


Semesters and Strife

by Luneth



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Blood, Eridan with Alpha Humans, F/F, F/M, M/M, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Trolls on Earth, later on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-03-09 08:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 136,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3243011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luneth/pseuds/Luneth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat and his friends have been on earth for at least a sweep now, and things have been going fairly well. At least until Eridan goes missing, then Feferi, then Nepeta. They finally find them six months later as humans attending a strange school, with no memory of their past lives as trolls. Enter shenanigans, frustration, and some good old fashioned "what the fuck?"</p><p>Eridan Ampora is a Finnish exchange student at SBURB academy and has no idea why these weirdos in face-paint are harassing him.</p><p>Alpha Kids, Beta Kids, Pre-scratch trolls, and some major pale shipping.<br/>EridanRoxy RoseKanaya JakeDirk and some other canon ships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yooooo  
> So, this is my first time posting on AO3 (Thank you friend who invited me!) I'm trying not to mess anything up.  
> Um...I should write something here. Thank you for clicking on my story! Apparently it seemed interesting to you. It's mostly centered around Eridan, the Alpha kids, or Karkat, but the Pre-scratch trolls and Beta kids show up too. Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which two Seadwellers and one cat troll go missing, Karkat finds one, and he doesn't want to go back.

“HEY GRUB-SUCKERS.” Karkat slouched against the doorway, addressing the room. “ANYONE SEEN ERIDAN RECENTLY?” A couple of glances were shared around. Sollux gave an annoyed grimace.

“why? 2omethiing happen?”

“NOTHING HAPPENED. I JUST HAVEN’T SEEN HIM SINCE THE DAY BEFORE…NO, THREE DAYS AGO, AND I MAKE IT A POLICY AS LEADER TO KNOW WHEN ONE OF MY IDIOTIC TEAM MEMBERS GOES MISSING, *ESPECIALLY* ONE OF THE PSYCHOTIC ONES.”

“:33< *ac also hasnt seen ca fur awhile!*”

“I Had Noticed The Atmosphere Was Unusually Pleasant And Serene Recently”

“HAHA. THAT’S SO FUCKING HILARIOUS I COULD JUST CURL UP RIGHT HERE ON THE FILTHY GROUND AND EXPLODE. FORTUNATELY FOR WHOEVER HAS CLEANING DUTY, IT SEEMS I AM ABLE TO KEEP MYSELF TOGETHER AND ASK ONCE AGAIN IF ANYONE HAS SEEN OUR GENOCIDAL ASSHOLE OF A TEAMMATE.” Vriska looked up from the card game she’s coerced Kanaya into playing.

“Have you tried his room? He’s probably moping in there for some reason.”

“I BANGED ON THE DOOR LOUD ENOUGH TO WAKE A GODDAMN CORPSE BUT WHATEVER. I GUESS I MIGHT AS WELL TRY AGAIN.” He shoved himself off the doorframe and left the unhelpful trolls behind. He tromped his way through their hideout. They’d been living on earth in an abandoned building for about a sweep now, and had fixed it up into something not too shabby. There were still some drawbacks, but at least it was far away enough from human settlement that they rarely got visitors. And by rarely he meant never.

“ERIDAN!!” Karkat banged his fit violently against one of the doors in the hallway, nearly knocking off the sign with two violet horizontal zigzags carved on it. “YOU ARE EITHER NOT IN HERE, DEAD, OR BEING AN INCREDIBLE DOUCHEBAG. I’M OBVIOUSLY BETTING ON THE LAST BUT WHICHEVER IT IS IF THE DOOR DOESN’T OPEN IN FIVE SECONDS I’M BREAKING IT DOWN ONETWOTHREEFOURFIVE ALRIGHT THEN!” He lifted his leg up and rammed it against the surface. It creaked, and two kicks later snapped open. Terezi, who’d been passing by, paused to sniff the spectacle.

“D1D YOU 3V3N CH3CK TO S33 1F 1T W4S LOCK3D?”

“OF COURSE IT WAS LOCKED, NOW GO AWAY.” She giggled at the response and strutted off.

Karkat looked around. Turns out it had been option 1: Eridan was not in his room. He growled a stream of obscenities under his breath. These sort of things wouldn’t happen if the Seadweller had the decorum to check his fucking chat log every once in awhile. He was usually pretty good about that though.

He sighed heavily. He actually wasn’t so worried about the troll being in trouble, any idiot that gave him reason to act in self defense deserved a Darwin Award. He was really more worried about the trouble he could be **creating**. Better check to see if he’d taken his weapon with him.

A quick glance around the room didn’t reveal the cerulean gun. It was pretty messy though, so maybe…yeah fuck that reasoning. Like Eridan would ever leave his room without that thing.

Still…the news hadn’t reported any mysterious deaths or rouge lightning bolts on cloudless days. Maybe it was alright.

 

000

Four months later

 

“WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?!” Karkat flipped his husktop off the table after it once again failed to provide the answer to his question. Vriska rolled her eyes.

“Sheesh. Take a chill pill.”

“I WILL NOT INGEST ANY SUCH SUBSTANCE UNTIL I KNOW EXACTLY WHY OUR TEAMMATES KEEP VANISHING.” His laptop floated back onto the table.

“paniickiing won’t get u2 anywhere kk.” He glared at the telekinetic across the room.

“SAID THE ASSHOLE WHO FLEW THROUGH THE FOREST FOR 3 HOURS LOOKING FOR FEFERI *DESPITE* DIRECT ORDERS NOT TO BECAUSE IT WAS DANGEROUS.”

“ii’m fine, aren’t ii?”

“You know…” Vriska looked through her phone. “Only the Seadwellers left. May8e it’s some secret Seadweller thing.”

“ff would at lea2t 2ay 2he wa2 going 2omewhere.”

“SO WOULD ERIDAN. HE WOULD MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNEW.”

“Well gee, sorry for trying to make o8servations.”

“FINE, YOU HAVE A POINT.” Karkat rubbed his head, “IT COULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT.” He looked up as the side door opened and Kanaya walked in, followed by Terezi. His heart both leapt and dropped when he saw the bundle of fabric in the jade troll’s arms.

“IS HE-” She shook her head and held it out.

“It Is Simply His Cape We Found It A Rather Significant Distance To The North Among The Wreckage Of Something That Was Very Obviously A Battle”

“Y34H! TH3R3 W3R3 HOL3S 1N SOM3 TR33S. 4H4B’S CROSSH41RS FOR SUR3!”

“ANY BODIES?”

“None”

“BUT W3 FOUND TH1S!” Terezi held out a large chunk of metal. It looked to be in the shape of a crude hook.

“WHAT IS THAT?”

“We Concluded It May Be The Arm Of Some Large Robotic Creature Perhaps Equius Could Take A Look At It”

“ALRIGHT.” Karkat looked around, “WHERE IS THAT SWEATY ASSHOLE ANYW-” He winced as he heard the door crash open behind him, then turned around slowly.

“…OH GOD NO.”

Equius stood rigidly in the doorway. A bundle of blue fabric was bunched up in his fist. His head whipped around the room once, then settled on Karkat.

“D--> I canter find Nepeta”

 

000

Two more months later

 

“they’re probably in town.”

“WHAT, YOU MEAN THE HUMAN AREA? WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY THERE?”

“how the hell 2hould ii know? 2ome human2 probably kidnapped them.” Sollux pointed at the screen. After Feferi had gone missing he’d put trackers one all the phones and computers. Nepeta’s had apparently travelled to the nearby human settlement before inexplicably vanishing.

“WELL AT LEAST THEY AREN’T ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET. CAN’T YOU SCAN FOR THEM OR SOMETHING? LIKE, THEY HAVE DIFFERENT BIOLOGY FROM THE HUMANS.”

“triied iit, nothiing.”

“SO WHAT? ARE THEY FUCKING THERE OR NOT?”

“ii don’t fuckiing know, okay? her phone 2hut off here but ii can’t fiind them.”

“OKAY, OKAY, SORRY.” He leaned away from the screen. “IT’S A LEAD, AT LEAST. WE CAN-” A loud crash broke off their conversation. Karkat growled under his breath.

“THAT BETTER NOT BE WHAT I FUCKING THINK IT IS.”

“you know iit ii2.”

He stomped down the hall into the kitchen. Equius was standing in the middle of the room, breathing heavily through grit teeth. The refrigerator had been ripped from its usual spot and smashed through a wall. Tavros was sitting directly next to the hole, cowering away from the other troll.

“EQUIUS!!” The blue-blood turned around slowly to face him.

“D--> What”

“CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND STOP THROWING OUR FURNITURE AT TAVROS.”

“D--> I demand you shut your mouth and leave immediately” He snapped back, hands clenching tightly. Karkat flinched, but forced himself to stay where he was.

“EQUIUS…” He growled, “I COMMAND YOU *SIT THE FUCK DOWN* RIGHT. THIS. SECOND. THAT IS A FUCKING *ORDER*.” He hesitated, then thumped down on the ground. He ran his fingers through his hair. “BETTER?” He didn’t answer. Instead he brought Nepeta’s hat out of his sylladex and stroked it sullenly. “ALRIGHT THEN. FINE. TAVROS?”

“i’M, uHH, fINE, i THINK,,,” He dragged himself over to his wheelchair, which he’d fallen out of when it had tipped over. He righted it and climbed back in. “tHANKS,”

“TRY TO STAY OUT OF HIS WAY FOR NOW.” He groaned, leaning against the wall. Of all the people to go missing, one of them had to be the one in charge of keeping him calm. He turned back down the hall and smacked into Aradia.

“oh hi!” She grinned at him, perpetually cheerful despite the situation, “hows it going?”

“TERRIBLE.” He answered, “A FOURTH OF THE TEAM IS MISSING, AT THE VERY BEST THEY’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED, AND IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE LOSE CONTROL OF THAT SWEATY BEHEMOTH.”

“well” She held up what she’d been carrying. “this will cheer you up! i made these!” He examined them. They appeared to be stone tablets, each with the symbol of one of their missing comrades carved into it.

“HOW ARE THESE SUPPOSED TO HELP?”

“well i thought we could set them up in the living room on a table” She sorted through the three of them, “then we can gather around and leave some food and some of the things they like beside them and we can all take turns talking about what we liked about them and how theyre probably in a better place now-”

“ARADIA!” He threw his hands in the air, “WE ARE *NOT* THROWING A FUNERAL FOR THEM! WE DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THEY’RE DEAD!”

“they could be”

“OH MY GOD. JUST…NO.” He weakly waved at the tablets. “PUT THOSE AWAY. AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL WE FOUND OUT WHAT HAPPENED.” She tucked them away into her sylladex, then gave him a more subdued smile.

“death happens and will come to all of us one day” She beamed at him. “just tell me when you want to have a ceremony!”

“PLEASE JUST SHUT UP.”

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling twinArmageddons.

 

CG: ALRIGHT, SO I’M PRETTY SURE I’VE WALKED THROUGH EVERY STREET OF THIS DUMB TOWN.

CG: ARE YOU SAYING YOUR LITTLE SCANNER DIDN’T PICK UP A *SHRED* OR THEIR BIOLOGICAL SIGNAL?

CG: IS THE DAMN THING EVEN ON?!

TA: yeah. iit’2 piickiing up your2.

TA: try walkiing around the north part agaiin. 

CG: NO WAY. I GOT SOME WEIRD LOOKS FROM SOME HUMANS. I THINK THEY SAW UNDER MY HOOD.

TA: waiit a 2ec ii thiink ii got 2omethiing.

CG: WHAT?! WHERE??

TA: really clo2e. do you 2ee anyone?

 

Karkat whirled around, scanning the humans walking by him for horns and gray skin. His phone beeped again.

 

TA: nevermiind iit vanii2hed.

TA: iit wa2 probably ju2t a gliitch where iit 2aw you twiice.

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!??

CG: ARRRGG!!

 

He threw his hands into the air in frustration. The phone slipped out of his grip and was flung behind him. He groaned, hoping it didn’t smash on the pavement. Instead a loud exclamation declared its contact point.

“oww”

His eyes widened and he whirled around, but his shoulders slumped again as all he saw was some human stalking toward him, rubbing his head.

 _“GODDAMMIT I MUST REALLY BE GOING INS-”_ He blinked, examined the human more carefully as he approached.

“this yours” He shoved the electronic over at him. The troll continued to gape at him. “wwhat”

“ERIDAN!?” The human blinked, then adjusted his glasses to look at him closer.

“do i knoww you”

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!?” He looked him up and down. The person in front of him was obviously human. There were no horns and his skin was a very pale peach color, plus he was wearing jeans and a button-up shirt with some weird pale yellow jacket. But he still had the streak of violet in his very dark brown hair, and he was still wearing that ridiculous striped scarf and those ridiculous shoes.

“hey” He snapped his fingers in front of him. “you checkin me out or somethin” Karkat grabbed his hand, examining the rings.

“IT IS YOU!” He yanked the hand out of his grip.

“uh” He threw his hands out at him.

“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU *BEEN*!? IT’S BEEN NEARLY SIX MONTHS AND WE’VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU! AND WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? OF COURSE YOU KNOW ME!” He gave him a sour look.

“wwell sorry buddy its a little hard to recognize you under the hallowween getup you knoww its april right”

“*I’M* WEARING THE GETUP?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DISGUISED AS A HUMAN ANYWAYS!?” Eridan blinked, then looked over his shoulder, wearing an uncomfortable expression.

“is this a prank”

“A PRANK??”

“did egbert put you up to this or somethin wwhats goin on”

“WHAT’S GOING ON IS THAT YOU ARE BEING A DOUCHEBAG, AS USUAL. YOU HAVE BEEN MISSING FOR SIX MONTHS AND I FINALLY FIND YOU LOOKING LIKE A HUMAN AND PRETENDING NOT TO RECOGNIZE ME AND YET AFTER WHAT ARADIA SAID I’M STILL KIND OF RELIEVED. BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL?! DID YOU KILL SOMETHING? IS THAT WHY YOU’RE IN DISGUISE?” He stared at him for a long time, then held his phone back out again.

“yeah can you just take your phone” He snatched it out of his grip. As soon he did the other turned and started walking away from him.

“HEY!” He jumped after him and grabbed his sleeve. Eridan twisted out of his grip and glared at him.

“this really aint funny i got places to be”

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU’VE GOT PLACES TO BE? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THESE SIX MONTHS?” He kept walking away.

“nothin to say to some wweirdo”

“ERIDAN FUCKING AMPORA GET BACK HERE!”

“ugh” He threw his hands up into the air, “fine i got school my free is almost ovver an i gotta get back an im only tellin you this cause im hopin you cant follow me in”

“SCHOOL?! YOU’RE GOING TO A SCHOOL?!” He dogged after him, “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO A SCHOOL!?”

“right noww its to get awway from you” He stopped at a large ornate gate. He took a card out and showed it to a woman standing nearby.

“WHAT’S THAT?” He glanced back at him.

“thats the best thin ive heard today” He ducked through the gate. Karkat glared after him and tugged his hood down lower. He didn’t want the lady to be asking about his “make-up” and it didn’t take a genius to realize he would need one of those cards to get in, through this entrance anyways. He glanced around, but a brick wall stretched out on either side.

His phone, still in his hand, buzzed impatiently. He glanced down at it.

 

TA: calm down kk.

TA: kk?

TA: are you 2tiill there?

CG: I’M RIGHT HERE, ASSHOLE.

TA: oh.

TA: what the hell took you 2o long?

CG: I FOUND ERIDAN.

TA: really?

TA: how about ff?

CG: NO.

CG: AT LEAST I THINK I FOUND HIM.

CG: THERE’S SOME WEIRD SHIT GOING ON.

TA: what happened?

CG: HE DOESN’T REMEMBER ME.

CG: HE ALSO THINKS HE’S A HUMAN.

TA: what the fuck, kk?

CG: HE ALSO LOOKED LIKE ONE.

TA: oh.

TA: 2o ba2iically you found a human that remiinded you of hiim.

CG: NO, IT WAS HIM. I’M SURE OF IT.

CG: PRETTY SURE.

TA: 2ure.

CG: FUCK IT. I’LL PROVE IT TO YOU. I’M HEADING BACK NOW.

 

He closed the chat before he could argue, then glared suspiciously at the school beyond the gate. He didn’t really know much about these human institutions, but they sounded like Hell. Even if he didn’t remember, why the fuck would he go back there by choice?

He rubbed his shoulders. He finally made some progress, so why did he suddenly feel like he had a lot more work ahead of him?

 

000

 

“2o thii2 ii2 iit.”

“YEAH.” Karkat pointed at the school through the gate. Sollux adjusted his glasses to peer at the plaque on the wall.

“2burb academy? what doe2 that 2tand for?”

“HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?”The gold-blooded troll sat down and took out his laptop “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”

“the web2iite” He scrolled through the school page with obvious boredom. “iit’2 ju2t one of tho2e human 2chool2 look2 normal two me.”

“YOU SUR3 1T W4S H1M?” Terezi sniffed the golden gate and licked her lips.

“YES!” He threw his hands into the air, “HE STILL HAD HIS STUPID ACCENT AND THE SAME NAME AND HIS STUPID HAIR DYE AND SCARF HE JUST ALSO LOOKED LIKE A HUMAN!”

“D--> Is Nepeta past this gate”

“MAYBE. THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN GO BREAKING IT DOWN.” Karkat pointed down the street. “WHILE SOLLUX IS CHECKING OUT THE WEBSITE LET’S SEE IF THIS WALL GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND. EQUIUS, YOU AND TEREZI GO THAT WAY. I’LL GO THE OTHER WAY. OKAY?” He shot Terezi a look. She nodded, promising to keep an eye on the unstable blue-blood.

The troll started his tromp around the barrier. It took him forever just to get to the first corner. This place wasn’t just well-guarded, it was **huge**. He leaned against the wall, growling in frustration.

“Are you looking for one of the gates?” His head snapped up. A couple of human boys where staring at him. The one who had addressed him had dark hair and a pair of bright blue eyes accented by a pair of glasses. The one beside him was blond, but his eye color was hidden behind a part of dark shades.

Karkat jerked his hood down a little harder. “I KNOW WHERE THE FUCKING GATE IS.” He motioned to the wall. “DOES THIS GO ON ALL THE WAY AROUND?”

“there are two gates” The second one answered, “on opposite sides so its kinda a pain getting in and out i usually just jump the wall”

“THEY DON’T MIND IF YOU DO THAT?”

“nah they know im a student here theyre used to it”

“YOU’RE A STUDENT HERE?” He jerked his thumb at the wall. The human cocked an eyebrow at him.

“yeah names dave” He nodded to the boy beside him, “this is john any reason youre trying to break in”

“yeah,” John chuckled, “it seems like a weird place to break into! especially on a saturday.”

“DO YOU KNOW A GUY NAMED ERIDAN?” Dave frowned.

“eridan”

“i know him!” John grinned, “he has glasses and a dyed streak, right?”

“YEAH. HE GOES HERE TOO?”

“yeah! he transferred here this year. hes alright, we're in art and magic club together!”

“wait” Dave nudged him with his elbow, “isnt he the guy that got into a bar fight a couple of months ago”

“did he?”

“THAT SOUNDS LIKE HIM. WHAT HAPPENED?” Dave shrugged.

“i dont really know the details but i think he tried to beat the crap out of some guy for buying some girl a drink”

“WELL THERE’S NO DOUBT NOW. HE IS DEFINITELY THE ERIDAN AMPORA I KNOW. SO HOW WOULD I GET INTO THIS SCHOOL WITHOUT BEING A STUDENT?”

“you dont”

“yeah you aren’t allowed on campus without permission. maybe eridan can vouch for you.”

“YEAH WELL, APPARENTLY THAT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING. OH, DO YOU GUYS KNOW A FEFERI OR NEPETA?”

“hm…they sound familiar.”

“i think i talked to some girl named nepeta once”

“ALRIGHT SO…WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO HERE?”

“what the hell do you mean” Dave shrugged, “we go to school here”

“DOES ANYTHING WEIRD EVER HAPPEN?”

“oh so youre some kind of conspiracist”

“not really!” John stared up at the sky, thinking, “i guess a couple of weird things happen every so often but nothing super out of it. that would be pretty cool actually! but nah we just go to classes and clubs and sometimes we have festivals and stuff.”

“OKAY THANKS. SORRY FOR WASTING YOUR TIME. ENJOY YOUR “EDUCATION” OR WHATEVER.” He dodged around them to continue walking along the wall.

He met up with Equius and Terezi near the second corner.

“TH3R3 YOU 4R3!”

“D--> We stabled across another gate, but a card was required for entry”

“YEAH. SOME HUMANS TOLD ME AS MUCH. GEEZ, WHY DOES A SCHOOL HAVE TO BE SO GUARDED? WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO, STEAL SOME BOOKS?” He glared suspiciously at the wall.

“L3T’S GO S33 1F SOLLUX FOUND 4NYTH1NG.”

“HE BETTER HAVE.”

They found Sollux where they’d left him.

“you guy2 fiind anythiing?”

“THE WALL IS ALL THE WAY AROUND WITH TWO GATES, ERIDAN HAS BEEN HERE SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR, AND FEFERI AND NEPETA ARE PROBABLY HERE. WHAT ABOUT YOU?”

“ju2t a bunch of 2hiit about the club2 and cla22e2 and a bunch of happy human2. their motto ii2 “we prepare 2tudent2 for the world” 2ound2 cheesy a2 fuck. everyone liive2 iin a dorm on campu2 and ii2 part of a hou2e…”

The loud sound of a fist hitting flesh made them look up. Equius had clutched his hands in front of him.

“D--> I can break the gate, or the wall, which would be preferable”

“NEITHER!” Karkat made a cutting motion with his hand, “I KNOW YOU’RE WORRIED FOR NEPETA BUT WE’RE TRYING NOT TO START A BATTLE. WE NEED MORE FACTS.”

“D--> Why”

“BECAUSE WE LIVE CLOSE ENOUGH THAT IT WILL AFFECT US.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “WHATEVER. WHY DON’T WE GO BUY YOU SOME MILK OR SOMETHING? I THINK THERE SHOULD BE A HUMAN STORE HERE THAT HAS IT.” He led Equius away from the gate. “DOES ANYONE HAVE SOME HUMAN MONEY?”

“you’re payiing me back double.”

“GREAT,” He looked around at the signs on the stores, “SO WHERE-”

*Skshhhh…*

A human glided by them, easily sashaying in-between the group on a pair of roller-skates. Karkat blinked as a striped blue piece of fabric flitted past his vision.

“HEY!” He whirled around, “ERIDAN!” The human glanced back over his shoulder, then faced forward again and struck his skates against the pavement, increasing his speed. “OH HELL NO. EQUIUS! STOP HIM RIGHT NOW! THAT’S AN ORDER! BUT DON’T HURT HIM!” That last part was a hurried shout after the blue-blood who had already hurled himself after him.

.57 seconds later found Eridan struggling to sit up while Equius sat nearby. He was holding a wheel that had broken off.

“D--> Are these supposed to come off”

“no” He growled, examining his broken equipment. “mustvve been faulty i cant believve you dovve for it are you tryin ta break your hand”

“I WOULDN’T WORRY ABOUT HIS FUCKING HAND.” The other three caught up to him. Eridan glared at him, then checked the contents of the bag he’d been carrying to make sure nothing was broken.

“so wwhat the hell did you wwant so bad that you sent him to fuckin tackle me” He snatched the wheel from his grip.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” He stood up, checking his balance without the back wheel.

“shoppin”

“FOR WHAT?” He held the bag far away from the nosy troll.

“dont see wwhy id tell you”

“STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE, AT LEAST FOR A FEW SECONDS.”

“its just some snacks and hair gel and somethin im buyin for a friend”

“A FRIEND.”

“yeah so wwhat”

“YOU HAVE A FRIEND.” He gave them a dark look for the comment, then blinked and took out some human phone to check a message. About a minute passed with him ignoring them in favor of staring at the screen and tapping the buttons. “WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?” He looked up and grimaced when he realized they were still there, then put the phone away.

“no one”

“SO WHAT, YOU WERE TALKING TO YOURSELF?”

“no im just not gonna tell-” He cut of as Terezi walked up to him, “wwhat the” She leaned in close and sniffed him tentatively, “uh”

“1NT3R3ST1NG…” She leaned this way and that, sniffing all the while. She grabbed his scarf and yanked it up to her face, inhaling deeply.

“ **hey** ” Eridan squawked and flailed to get free. She released her hold and grabbed his head. “wwhat the fuckin-” She pulled it forward and slowly ran her tongue up his cheek . He made some mix between a choke and a sputter before flinging his arms up to shove her away. His damaged skates slipped out from under him and he fell on his butt.

“oh my god” He rubbed his face furiously, staring at her in disbelief. “did she just fuckin **lick me** thats **disgusting** ” Terezi giggled at his reaction.

“TH4T’S D3F1N1T3LY 3R1D4N, BUT 4LSO D3F1N1TELY 4 HUM4N!”

“you actually licked me just noww”

“Y3AH, 4ND YOU T4ST3D T3RRIBL3!”

“oh my god” He got up, “thats just…im outta here” He zoomed away, maybe a little recklessly fast considering his lack of a back wheel.

“WOW, 3R1D4N!” Terezi yelled after him, “RUD3 MUCH?!”

“O)(, was that –Eridan?” The group whirled around.

“HOLY FUCK!” A human girl was standing in front of them. She had tan skin and dark hair like someone from a tropical island. Various bangles and jewelry dangled from her wrists and neck and a pink purse hung from one arm. She beamed at them cheerfully.

“Sorry, did I startle you?” Sollux shoved Karkat aside.

“ff!” She gave him a puzzled look.

“Um…?”

“FEFERI, IS THAT YOU?”

“O)(!” She covered her mouth with her hand. “Um…I’m R--EELY sorry! )(ave we met?”

“OH GOD. YOU DON’T REMEMBER US EITHER?” She shifted uncomfortably.

“I’m sorry! It’s not like me to forget like t)(is! Can I )(ave a hint?”

“ff…” Sollux gestured to himself, “iit’2 me, 2ollux, remember?”

“Sollux…” She pondered the name, frowning slightly. “Um…”

“come on ff we’re glubbing mate2p-” Karkat jammed his elbow into his ribs. “ow! What the fuck kk?!”

“DON’T MENTION THAT RIGHT NOW!” He hissed, “DO YOU WANT TO TERRIFY HER?”

“Sollux…” Her eyes clouded slightly as she thought, “T)(at’s reel-y familiar…” She snapped out of it suddenly and took out her phone. She looked at the screen and yelped. “Oh my cod! It’s t)(at late?!” She gave the group and apologetic smile. “Sorry! I R—EELY gotta swim! Sea you later, okay? Nice costumes!” She dodged around them, heading for the gate.

“ff waiit-” Sollux started after her couldn’t catch her before she went through the gate.

“D--> We should have inquired about Nepeta”

“I’M SURE SHE’S FINE. THEY DON’T SEEM TO BE IN TROUBLE, JUST BRAINWASHED INTO THINKING THEY’RE HUMAN.”

“TH4T’S PR3TTY B4D.”

“WELL CALL MY AN OPTIMIST BUT AT LEAST WE DON’T HAVE TO RESCUE THEM FROM BEING DISSECTED. LET’S GET SOME MILK.”

They got Equius a bottle of milk which didn’t really achieve anything except to scatter broken glass and milk everywhere right outside the store. So not only did they have to hike all the way back to their hideout in the woods, but they had to do it covered in milk.

Kanaya raised an eyebrow at them when they walked in.

“WE BOUGHT SOME MILK AND HORSE-BOY GOT IT FUCKING EVERYWHERE. THE END.”

“Oh” She tucked up the sewing on her lap, “Actually I Was Wondering Why Vriska Was Not With You” Karkat could feel his eye twitch.

“WHAT?”

“She Left A Few Minutes After You Did Claiming That She Had Decided To Accompany You On Your Excursion”

“OH MY FUCKING GOD…” He banged his fist against the wall in frustration, “WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME? SHE’S EITHER CAUSING SOME SHIT-TON OF TROUBLE OR EVEN WORSE SHE GOT CAPTURED AND WE’RE DOWN ANOTHER MEMBER.”

“Gr8 deduction Karkat,” He felt a thin book smack against his head, “Except neither is true!” He turned around to glare at her.

“WHAT FUCKED UP SHIT HAVE YOU BEEN STICKING YOUR SPIDER-LEGS INTO?” She shrugged off the insults.

“Unlike you losers I’ve 8een doing something useful.” She waved the book she was holding in his face. “I 8roke in and snagged this!”

“YOU BROKE IN!?” She rolled her eyes.

“Yes, Karkat. I 8roke in. It was easy!” Kanaya came over and motioned to the book.

“What Is That” She smirked and held it up proudly.

“The clu8 8ook. It’s got aaaaaaaall the little human clu8s and who’s in them!” She opened it up and the others peeked over her shoulder.

“OKAY SO WHAT CLUBS WOULD THEY BE IN?”

“Stop shoving!” She laid it on the table so they could see better, “And how should I know?” She checked the table of contents. “Art clu8, science team, de8ate clu8, swim team…”

“SWIM TEAM!” He pointed at it, “TRY THAT ONE.” She sniffed at his commanding tone but turned to the page. A picture awaited them. About 20 humans in matching swimsuits stood together near the edge of the pool. A table was below the picture, with the names of students written in. “Let’s see…ah-ha! Peixes! W8…” Her eyes narrowed, “Meenah Peixes? Who’s that? Oh here she is, at the 8ottom.” She pointed to where Feferi’s name had been added as the latest addition.

“2he’2 there too.” Sollux pointed to the tan girl beaming in the middle, a pair of pink goggles strapped to her head.

“Eridan’s not here though.”

“UGH,” He rubbed his head, trying to remember the club the John human had mentioned. “TRY A DIFFERENT ONE.” She flipped back to the table of contents.

“There’s a Sharpshooting clu8.” She turned to the given page. “Let’s see…Harley, English, Lalonde…Ampora!”

“THAT’S HIM.” Karkat pointed at the picture. He was in between two girls, one with long black hair and glasses, and another who had her hair in a blond styled bob. In contrast to their easy smiles, his face remained stubbornly dismal, but his straight posture gave him more of a tone of haughty pride. He and the girl with glasses were both holding some normal human rifles. “THAT’S GOTTA BE HIM. I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY LET HIM HOLD A FUCKING GUN.”

“We Let Him Have A Gun”

“YEAH BECAUSE HE’D THROW A FIT IF WE TOOK IT.”

“D--> Where is Nepeta”

“I dunno. What clu8 would she be in?”

“D--> She enjoys drawing and hunting beasts”

Vriska flipped to the art club.

“Got it. Nepeta Leijon. You think that’s her?” She pointed to a small girl with short light brown hair who was grinning at the camera.

“D--> I have never considered what she would 100k like as a human, but perhaps yes”

“They Do Not Seem To Be In Danger”

“WHAT ELSE IS IN THIS BOOK?” Vriska flipped to the end.

“Here are some pictures of some play they did. “Hamlet”? Who’s that?”

“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. WAIT, ERIDAN AND NEPETA ARE HERE AGAIN.”

“Who Did They Play”

“ERIDAN PLAYED SOME GUY NAMED CLAUDIUS, PROBABLY SOME UNIMPORTANT DOUCHEBAG THAT DIES BY THE MIDDLE. NEPETA WAS SOMEONE NAMED OPHELIA. WHAT A DUMB NAME.”

“Eridan Is Certainly Dramatic Enough For Such A Performance”

“D--> Nepeta has always enjoyed such pretend games”

“I Wish I Could Have Been There To Aid In The Costume Design Some Of These Are Quite Garish”

“D--> I believe the outfits 100k rather noble”

“GUYS FOCUS. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?”

“8esides the fact that they’ve all o8viously lost it?”

“OBVIOUSLY THIS SCHOOL DID SOMETHING TO THEM. IT’S NOT LIKE THEY’D JUST LET SOME RANDOM “HUMANS” IN, RIGHT? I’M PRETTY SURE IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY.”

“Either Way It Is Highly Probable That They Will Not Want To Return Home With Us While They Are In This Mindset”

“al2o how are we gonna turn them back iin-two troll2?”

“THAT IS A BRILLIANT QUESTION. I REALLY HOPE IT’S JUST SOME MAKE-UP BUT SOMEHOW I DOUBT IT.” Karkat banged his fist on the table, “ENOUGH OF LOOKING THROUGH THIS DUMB BOOK. YOUR LEADER HAS AN IDEA.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amount of shit Eridan is going to face in this story is probably on par with getting sawed in half.  
> In case anyone wanted to know what he was buying for a friend, it was tampons. He probably doesn't even know what they're for.
> 
> So concludes the first chapter of this ridiculous fic? Will they find a way to save their brainwashed brethren? What's Karkat's great idea? Will they get Equius calm before he breaks anything important?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan is kidnapped, a school is broken into, and trolling is done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What entertaining interactions do we have today? Mostly fucking with Eridan, but we also get to meet some interesting new faces.  
> 

 

“LISTEN UP ASSHOLES!” Karkat addressed the trolls gathered in the living room. Gamzee stood beside him, holding a large sack of something over his shoulder. “AS THE SITUATION STANDS, OUR COMRADES HAVE SUDDENLY DECIDED TO FORGET ALL ABOUT US, THINK THEY ARE HUMANS AND ATTEND A HUMAN SCHOOL. WHILE THE IDEA OF THIS IS SO FUCKING OBSCURE AND IMPOSSIBLE I HAD TO HAVE IT RUBBED REPEATEDLY IN MY OLFACTORY RECIPROCALS TO PROCESS IT, IT IS PROBABLY BEST WE SUSPEND OUR DISBELIEF TO MOVE FORWARD AND WORK ON DRAGGING THEIR SORRY BODIES, KICKING AND SCREAMING, BACK TO THE REALM OF SANITY.”

“okay how?”

“SHUT UP SOLLUX. YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING HOW WE PLAN TO DO THIS WHEN ENTRY INTO THE SCHOOL IS SUSPICIOUSLY FORBIDDEN SHOULD YOU NOT BE A STUDENT.” He pointed at Gamzee, “HOWEVER, I HAVE STUMBLED ACROSS AN ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT WORK-AROUND TO THAT PARTICULAR DILEMMA. AND BY BRILLIANT I MEAN IT’S SO SIMPLE I CAN’T BELIEVE WE DIDN’T DO IT SOONER. GAMZEE.”

“HoNk.” Gamzee upended the bag on the floor. The trolls present jumped back as Eridan tumbled out on his head.

“oof wwhat the” He sat up and fixed his glasses before looking around. Several gray faces and multi-colored sets of eyes greeted him from all around. “oh my god” His head whipped around until he caught sight of Karkat. “ **you** ” He gaped at him, “did you…did you just **kidnap** me”

“OF COURSE NOT, YOU ASSHOLE. WE JUST DRAGGED YOU AWAY FROM THAT FREAKY SCHOOL AND BROUGHT YOU HOME. YOU’RE WELCOME.”

“holy shit” He rubbed his head, looking around again, “this cant be happenin ill call the police”

“IT IS SO FUCKING HAPPENING.” He sat down with him, “AND YOU OF ALL PEOPLE FUCKING *HATE* THE POLICE. COME ON. LET’S JOG YOUR MEMORY A LITTLE.”

“stay awway from me” He pointed at him.

“YOU STILL HAVE YOUR DUMB ACCENT. HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?” The other raised his eyebrow at him.

“dont make fun a my accent english aint my first language”

“YEAH. ALTERNIAN IS.”

“wwrong its finnish”

“WHAT THE HELL IS FINNISH?”

“you gotta be kiddin me” He looked around and held his hand up, “okay look i dont knoww howw you knoww me but i aint got any interest in your stupid cult okay can i go home noww”

“WE ARE *NOT* A FUCKING CULT.”

“oh really” He gestured to Gamzee, who was still holding the sack and zoning out. “you sure about that”

“OKAY SO MAYBE GAMZEE IS PART OF SOME CULT BUT THAT IS COMPLETELY UNRELATED.”

“so wwhats wwith the wweird costumes” He squinted at his eyes, “the color contacts are really freakin me out”

“THEY AREN’T COSTUMES AND THESE ARE OUR ACTUAL EYE COLORS. OH MY GOD, HALF A SWEEP AGO YOU WERE SO FUCKING EXCITED BECAUSE YOUR EYES WERE STARTING TO TURN VIOLET AND YOU WERE RUNNING AROUND LIKE A DECAPITATED CLUCKBEAST SHOWING EVERYONE AND GENERALLY BEING ANNOYING.”

“okay i dont knoww wwhat a swweep is but that nevver happened”

“IT DID HAPPEN!” He waved his hand in front of his face, “YOU ARE ERIDAN AMPORA. YOU’RE A TROLL, AN ALIEN, A SEADWELLER, AND AN ASSHOLE. YOU HAVE THE HIGHEST BLOOD BESIDES THE EMPRESS WHICH YOU’D NEVER SHUT YOUR DAMN PROTEIN CHUTE ABOUT. HOW THE FUCK DID THEY TURN YOU HUMAN ANYWAYS?” He reached toward his head, “THEY DIDN’T SAW OFF YOUR HORNS, DID THEY?” He jerked away from his hand.

“dont touch me”

“LET ME SEE YOUR EARS. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FIN EARS? AND YOUR GILLS? MAYBE IF WE THREW YOU IN THE LAKE YOU’D GET THEM BACK.”

“ **don’t touch me** ” He swatted at the hand, inching a bit farther away. Karkat leaned back and crossed his arms.

“SAY A FISH PUN.”

“wwhat no”

“SAY A FISH PUN.”

“no”

“SAY GLUB.”

“no”

“HIT ON ME.” He blinked slowly.

“wwhat”

“GO AHEAD. I’M NOT GONNA RETURN THE FEELINGS OR ANYTHING BUT I’LL LET YOU DO IT IF IT HELPS.”

*Wap*

The troll stared open-mouthed at the wall he was now facing, then turned back to glare at him. Eridan glared back, shaking out his hand.

“WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!” He rubbed his stinging cheek, hoping to god a mark wouldn’t surface.

“wwhat do you think”

“I THINK YOU’RE BEING A DOUCHEBAG, AS USUAL. I GUESS I SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR THAT.” He eyed him thoughtfully. The slap had reminded him of something. “YOU STILL HAVE THOSE VIOLET RINGS WITH YOUR SIGN. HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?” He blinked and looked down at his hands.

“so plenty a people wwear their horoscope signs an vviolet is my favvorite color nothin wwrong wwith that”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS A HOROSCOPE?”

“this” He held up his hand and tapped one of the rings, “aquarius get it i was born under aquarius”

“SO YOU JUST HAPPEN TO WEAR THAT SIGN BECAUSE OF SOMETHING CALLED A “HOROSCOPE”,” He made quotation marks with his fingers, “AND YOU WEAR VIOLET BECAUSE IT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR.”

“yeah”

“THAT’S STUPID. I WISH YOU COULD REMEMBER JUST SO YOU CAN HEAR YOURSELF TALKING.” He smacked his forehead, “FINE. WHY DON’T WE GO WITH SOME MORE TRAUMATIC MEMORIES? HOW ABOUT FEFERI?”

“wwhat” He gave them a stunned expression, “howw do you knoww fef”

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE.” He growled, rolling his eyes, “SHE’S A TROLL TOO! I BET YOU HANG OUT WITH HER AT THAT DUMB SCHOOL, DON’T YOU?”

“wwho me” He glanced away, pushing his fingers together as a faint red dusted his cheeks. “wwell wwere in a couple a classes together but besides that-”

“HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?” He looked up.

“doin wwhat” Karkat leaned forward to try to touch his face again.

“YOU’RE FACE IS TURNING RED.”

“wwhat” He smacked his hands over his cheeks, “no they aint wwhy wwould they be doin that”

“HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW? IS YOUR BLOOD *RED*?!”

“…wwhat” He gave him a confused look, “a course its red wwhat else wwould it be”

“VIOLET, YOU IDIOT. HANG ON.” He brought his sickle out of his stife specibus and held out his hand. “LET ME SEE YOUR HAND.”

“holy fuck” He scooted away from him, nearly running into Vriska. “get that thing awway from me”

“COME ON YOU PUSSY. IT’LL ONLY HURT FOR A SECOND. THERE’S NO WAY THEY MANAGED TO CHANGE YOUR BLOOD COLOR.”

“stay back ill kick you”

“kk ii thiink you 2hould put the 2iickle away.”

“NO WAY. THIS HAS TO CONVINCE HIM.” He looked around. “I NEED A VOLUNTEER WHO ISN’T ME OR ARADIA. EQUIUS HOW ABOUT YOU? YOU’RE PROUD OF YOUR COLOR.”

“D--> Very well but I should probably mention something first”

“WHAT?”

“D--> The Seadweller-human is herding for the window”

“ **WHAT**?!” He looked back just in time to see Eridan vault over an open window into the yard outside. “HEY! GET BACK HERE!”

*Vrrrrrrrrrm*

Kanaya turned around, holding her live chainsaw. “Oh Eridan Is That You”

“WWHAT THE-fuck fuck fuck” He scrambled backwards, smacking his back up against the window. Equius reached through and hoisted him up by the collar.

“D--> Seadweller, I have some questions for you regarding my moirail” The human looked over his shoulder at the troll holding him off the ground by one arm, then back at Kanaya, still holding her chainsaw. His shoulders slumped suddenly.

“l-look i got twwenty-six dollars on me and you can havve it and ill evven take a pamphlet if you got one just please let me go ivve got science homewwork ta do and a math test tomorrow please put me down please dont kill me”

“WE AREN’T GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU RANCID PIECE OF GRUB SHIT .” Equius pulled him back through the window, but kept him off the ground. “THIS WOULD GO A LOT SMOOTHER IF YOU DECIDED NOT TO BE SO DIFFICULT FOR ONCE IN YOUR PITIFUL LIFE.”

“you wwere gonna cut me open and throww me inna lake”

“OKAY FINE WE WON’T CUT YOU BUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH THROWING YOU IN A LAKE? YOU MIGHT REMEMBER SOMETHING.”

“yeah or i could **drowwn** since i cant swwim”

“YOU CAN’T WHAT?” He shrugged uncomfortably.

“i cant swwim okay i nevver learned”

“BULLSHIT. I’VE FUCKING SEEN YOU DO IT.”

“look are you sure you havve the right guy”

“YES. UNFORTUNATELY.”

“D--> Seadweller” He yelped, then twisted around to eye the person holding onto his collar.

“uh you talkin ta me”

“D--> Yes, I would like to inquire about the location of Nepeta” He frowned uncertainly.

“wwho leijon” His mouth clamped shut as the grip tightened.

“D--> Yes” He turned him around to face him, “D--> Is she in the human sch00l with you? Where is she”

“uh” His gaze slid to the side, “yeah i aint tellin you shit” He winced as the fabric of his collar bunched even farther.

“D--> What” His eyes narrowed behind his cracked glasses, “D--> Why would you withhold information from me”

“uh” He held his hands out and avoided looking directly at him, “okay im gonna try and say this in a wway that wwont get my head spattered against the wwall but i kinda make it a policy not to givve information on people to highly suspicious strangers especially if theyre total thugs askin about small girls” He yelped as he was hoisted a little higher into the air.

“D--> If your object is to protect her from me that is a futile effort” Karkat cleared his throat loudly.

“AND BY THAT HE MEANS THERE’S NO REASON TO BECAUSE HE WOULD NEVER HURT HER. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO SAY IT IN SUCH A CREEPY WAY?”

“D--> It was not my intention to sound creepy”

“hey i cant breathe”

“FOR GOD’S SAKE EQUIUS PUT HIM DOWN.” He obeyed, letting Eridan settle down on his feet again. He breathed a weak sigh of relief.

“okay can i leavve noww”

“NO. YOU NEED TO REMEMBER.”

“i dont remember shit” He threw his hands out at them, “i aint an alien i aint part of your wweird cult im a fuckin exchange student and wwould givve anythin to be stuck in my goddamn ethics class right noww”

“WHAT THE FUCK. THAT’S A CLASS? WHY WOULD YOU SIGN UP FOR THAT?”

“okay yes it is an **i** wwasnt the one who signed me up it wwas my friend”

*knock knock*

They looked up at the sound of loud knocking coming from the front door.

“WHAT THE FUCK? WHO’S KNOCKING ALL THE WAY OUT HERE?”

“i hope its the police”

“I’Ll gO SeE WhAt mOtHeRfUcKiN CoMpAnY We’vE GoT.” Gamzee shuffled over down the hall. Karkat took a few steps after him.

“GAMZEE WAIT. UGH. SOMEONE GO WITH HIM.” Terezi hopped off after him. “SO ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THIS IS FAMILIAR.”

“its kinda reminding me a some a my wworse nightmares”

“HAHA. NO SERIOUSLY.” He motioned to his head, “YOU HAD HORNS THAT LOOKED LIKE LIGHTNING BOLTS, AND YOU SHOT LIGHTNING BOLTS FROM YOUR STUPID GUN. WE FOUND THE REMAINS OF YOUR FIGHT BY THE WAY.”

“wwhat fight”

“GUYS!” Terezi zoomed back into the room, “SOM3 HUM4N 1S H3R3!”

“WHAT?” Gamzee joined her, followed by a human adult. He had pale skin and his hair was completely white, which matched his white suit.

“hEy mOtHeRfUcKeRs tHiS GuY Is lOoKiN FoR ErIdAn.” Karkat smacked his forehead.

“THEN WHY DID YOU BRING HIM IN YOU THINK PAN DAMAGED NOOK HUMPER!?”

“Hello.” The man spoke with his hands clasped behind his back. He had a very formal, suave way of speaking. “I’m looking for one of my students.”

“here i am” Eridan gave a little wave. Karkat glared at him.

“DID YOU CALL HIM?”

“no” The troll looked back at the adult.

“WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU GET HERE?”

“I’m the principal of SBURB School.” He answered calmly, ignoring the hostile tone. “You may call me Dr. Scratch. It’s always a pleasure to meet a bunch of children in gray paint hiding in the woods.” He glared at him, feeling a sense of unease rising.

“HOW DID YOU GET HERE?”

“I walked.” He held out his hand and made a quick beckoning motion to Eridan. “If this is a good time, I’d like to take Ampora back.” The student rubbed his shoulder, glaring at Equius.

“this is an **excellent** time” He followed the man out of the room, throwing a middle finger over his shoulder.

“D--> Shall I stop them”

“NO. DON’T.” Karkat hugged his arms tightly around him, “THERE IS SOMETHING FUCKING WEIRD ABOUT THAT GUY.”

“yeah ii kiinda feel that two.” Kanaya watched them leave through the window.

“I Would Consider That More Of A Reason Not To Allow Him To Leave With Eridan”

“YEAH WELL, TALKING WITH HIM WAS GIVING ME A MAJOR MIGRAINE.” He massaged his temples. “WHAT THE HELL IS A PRINCIPAL ANYWAYS? IS THAT LIKE A LEADER? IF HE’S THE LEADER OF THE SCHOOL HE PROBABLY JUST WANTS TO DRAG ERIDAN’S DUMB ASS BACK THERE SO HE CAN HAVE HIS STUPID ETHICS CLASS OR WHATEVER SHIT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.” He looked around, “…EQUIUS?” The troll was sitting against the wall with his knees tucked up. He had taken Nepeta’s hat out again and was staring at it silently.

“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.” He sighed heavily, then stomped over. “NEPETA’S FINE. I’M SURE.” He didn’t answer, so the other sat down in front of him. “ERIDAN WAS JUST BEING A DOUCHEBAG. NOTHING NEW THERE. WE’RE GOING TO FIND ALL THREE OF THEM AND SHE’S GOINGTO BE FINE SO PUT THAT HAT AWAY BEFORE YOU RIP IT OR GET IT SOAKED WITH YOUR DISGUSTING SWEATING PROBLEM.” He finally looked up at him, “…OKAY?”

He stowed the hat away. Karkat awkwardly patted him on the shoulder, trying not to shudder at the damp feeling. “JUST TRY TO STAY CALM, ALRIGHT? IT WON’T BE LONG NOW.”

“D--> Very well” He cocked his head to the side, “D--> Is this where I attempt a smile”

“NO. THAT WOULD BE FUCKING CREEPY.”

 

000

 

“Is here fine?”

“uh yeah” Eridan rubbed his head awkwardly. They were standing just inside the gate to campus. “sorry”

“No trouble.” He answered easily. “I will be returning to my office now. I believe you have a message to check.”

Eridan dug his phone out of his sylladex as he left. Man it was creepy when he knew stuff like that, but it got him away from those weirdos so he wouldn’t really complain right now.

He checked the screen, figuring it was her.

 

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering caligulasAquarius

 

TG: eriiiii

TG: whree da fuq r u?

TG: *where

TG: cmooooon!

CA: hey rox

TG: finally! where have you bene?!

TG: *been lol

CA: funny you should ask

CA: i was just fuckin thrown in a sack where i nearly asphyxiated

CA: only to be thrown out somewhere in the woods surrounded by a buncha fuckin cultists tryin ta convert me

 

The next message was of course the epitome of concern and shock, as expected from his good friend.

 

TG: lol wut

CA: gee thanks rox

CA: they were gonna cut me open and throw me in a lake you could pretend ta care

TG: aw eri u know i care

TG: why were they tryin to convret u?

TG: *convert

CA: i dunno somethin about bein a fish or an alien or whatever they werent makin a shred a sense

TG: lol a fish alien?

TG: hipster fish alien

TG: were you a fish alien b4 it was cool eri?

CA: ha ha hilarious rox

CA: the weirdest thing was they mentioned fef too

CA: and that leijon girl

CA: what if they try ta do somethin to fef

TG: aw dont worry eri then you can totes be a kewl prince and swoop in to save her ;)

TG: isnt dat wat you want 2 do?

CA: shut up it wouldnt work in a stupid situation like that

TG: cmon eri, dont be so choosy!

CA: look whos talkin

TG: truuuuuu

TG: anyways

TG: come help me with my hisotry homework!

TG: *history

TG: pls?

CA: ill help you with it but i aint doin it for you

TG: aw

TG: why u gotta be so mean eri?

TG: its so crule

TG: curel

TG: cruewscsdfrew

CA: oh my god

CA: rox are you drunk again

TG: uh uh i am TOTES sobre

TG: *sorbe

TG: uh…

TG: not drunk

CA: sure

CA: ill be over in ten minutes

CA: try to be fuckin sober by the time i get there

CA: or at least dont drink anymore

TG: lol fine

TG: and u gotta tell me moar bout this kidnappin

TG: ur rly okay right?

CA: yeah the principal had to bail me out

CA: they were just a buncha freaks in facepaint

CA: except one a them had a chainsaw

CA: and the other well maybe that was a toy or somethin

CA: im headin over now

CA: so put the goddamn martini down

TG: k ;)

 

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pesteringcaligulasAquarius.

 

000

 

“OKAY IS ANYONE LOOKING?”

“they better not be becaus2e we are the mo2t fuckiing 2u2piiciiou2 group ever.”

“SHUT YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE AND SEND ME OVER.” A second later Karkat went flying over the campus wall, seconds later crashing into the ground below. He sat up and spat grass out of his mouth while Sollux floated over and landed beside him.

“are you dead?” Aradia hopped up onto the wall as well and peered down at him. He glared back, then turned his attention to Sollux.

“YOU COULDN’T HAVE BEEN MORE GENTLE THAN THAT?”

“ii could have”

“FUCK YOU.” He stood up and looked around. A well-kept lawn stretched out around them with a few trees here and there. The closest building was about 100 feet to the right of them.

“2o what now do we ju2t 2tand here?”

“OF COURSE NOT.” He pointed to the building in the direct center. It was much larger than the others. “THAT ONE LOOKS IMPORTANT. LET’S HEAD THERE.”

“wow kk, you’re 2uch a viisiionary.”

“WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE?”

“hey guys!”

“HUH?” He turned around to face Aradia, “WHAT?” She grinned at him.

“you should duck!” He cocked an eyebrow at her.

“DUCK??”

“yeah! now!” She threw herself forward, tackling him back to the ground. As he fell a loud blast of sound slammed into him and he caught a glimpse of white lightning as it bolted right above. It hit the ground only a few feet from them, throwing up a chunk of earth and raining down bits of dirt.

“HOLY GODDAMN MOTHER OF FUCKS!” Karkat shoved Aradia off him and sat up, brushing bits of dirt out of his eyes. “OKAY CHANGE OF PLANS ERIDAN IS PISSED FAR BEYOND ANY EXPECTATION. SOLLUX THROW US OUT RIGHT-”

“Yoooooo!” The troll frowned and turned to face the direction of the shout. Someone was standing on the roof of the nearby building. He could just make out the confident pose to be female, as well as the bright blue weapon slung over her shoulder.

“WHAT THE HELL?” The human hopped off, skipping down the balconies before hitting the ground. She stumbled, then sauntered over. Her hair was cut short and blonde, and she was wearing some bright pink lipstick. A purple and lavender striped scarf fluttered in the breeze, anchored around her neck.

“Hey thar” She grinned, spinning the gun in her hand. “Dida scare ya?”

“FUCKING YES YOU SCARED US!” He growled. He frowned and his eyes narrowed, “YOU…YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE GIRLS THAT WAS NEXT TO ERIDAN IN THE PICTURE.”

“omg! am i famoush now?” She scratched her head, over-playing the confused look. “’cept i’m so myshterioush they couldn’t get mah name?” He ignored her theatrics and pointed at the gun in her hand.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH AHAB’S CROSSHAIRS?” This time the confused look was honest. She hoisted the gun up so it pointed at the sky and smirked.

“this is mah shcienshhe proyect! i made it wi’ ma hipster wizard friend!” Her words slurred occasionally and she was a bit unsteady on her feet.

“YOU MADE IT WITH *WHO*?” She rolled her eyes.

“duh! you totes said his name earlier” He growled in frustration.

“WHAT…YOU MEAN ERIDAN?! YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH ERIDAN??”

“tada! give urshelf a medal. names roxy. roxy lalonde”

“nice to meet you!” Aradia answered cheerfully. “im aradia megido this is sollux and karkat”

“kewl” She leaned in and gave them a curious look. “oh hang on r u those culty guys eri was talkin ‘bout?”

“WE. ARE. NOT. A. CULT!!!” Karkat seethed. She stepped back and waved her hand at him to indicate that he calm down.

“lol k sorry”

“HOW ABOUT APOLOGIZING FOR NEARLY BLOWING A HOLE IN US WITH THAT GUN WHICH I AM ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU DID NOT MAKE.” She rolled her eyes.

“psh ur totes fine and ‘sides you guys are obsvioushly the trespasshers”

“WAIT WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN *THE* TRESPASH…TRESPASSERS?” She shifted her hold on the gun and took out her phone.

“everyone got a notice ‘bout it: “trespassers near the void house stay inside and avoid. probs connected to the one yesterday.””

“well 2o much for 2ecrecy.” She smirked and put her phone away.

“well anyways you guys were right next ta my dorm so i had to check it out effin curiosity ya know? no wonder all those poor lil cats die from it”

“YEAH OKAY, YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THIS.”

“lol kay” She shrugged, “but serioushly dont be mean to eri k?” He rolled his eyes.

“HE’S THE ONE BEING A DICK.” He examined her up and down, noting her continued unsteadiness. “SO DID YOU BUMP YOUR HEAD OR SOMETHING OR ARE YOU JUST SOME MENTALLY DAMAGED MORON? SINCE YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH ERIDAN I’M GOING TO GUESS ON THE SECOND ONE.”

“nuh uh” She waved her finger at him, “thats totes not nice! and im fine just a lil tipsy”

“tiip2y?”

“ya but its cool” She shrugged carelessly, “so whatre you guys even doin here who breaks inta a school?”

“WE’RE LOOKING FOR THREE PEOPLE: ERIDAN, NEPETA, AND FEFERI.” She gasped.

“hey! i know alla them!” He perked up.

“REALLY? CAN YOU TAKE US TO THEM?”

“lol” She tucked her gun behind her back and grinned. “nope!”

“what?” Sollux stepped forward, “why not?”

“cause you kidnapped eri! remember?”

“SO? AND IT WASN’T KIDNAPPING IT WAS RESCUING HIS VIOLET ASS AGAINST HIS WILL ONLY TO HAVE HIM SPIT IN OUR SIGHT GLOBES LIKE THE DICK HE IS.”

“wow okay” She shrugged “that still counts as kidnappin tho”

“NO, IT DOESN’T.”

“it might”

“SHUT UP.” She just shrugged again and put her gun away.

“whatevs i just wanted to see what you guys were liek and stuff but i gots home’orks ‘n stuff so imma let the campush police take care of ya see ya” She turned and started to saunter off back toward the building.

“CAMPUSH WHAT? CAMPUS?”

“kk ii thiink 2he mean2 2ome cop2 are gonna come”

“ARE YOU SHITING ME?? UGHHHH!” He stared up at the sky. “IT FIGURES WE’D HAVE TO DEAL WITH A BUNCH OF IDIOTIC BULGELICKERS LIKE THAT. WHATEVER, IT’S JUST SOME HUMA-”

“h3333333y!!” He whirled around just in time to get a chunk of wood jammed right in the teeth. He was then thrown to the ground as his face was used as a push-off point to propel the rider back into the air.

“woohoo!” A human girl jumped back, dismounting off her skateboard in mid-air. She landed neatly and caught the vehicle before jabbing a finger at them. “you just got S3RV3D!”

“THE FUCK!?” He stood up to glare at her. She looked a little older than him, with Eurasian features. Long black hair fell out from under a teal helmet. Her eyes were covered by a pair of bright red sunglasses that reminded him of Terezi. She was wearing a forest green blazer with an aquamarine tie and matching pants. “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!”

“SBURB 4c4d3my c4mpus pol1c3! prot3ct1ng th3 m1ndz of th3 stud3ntz!” He gave her the most dumbfounded look he could manage, then became suddenly aware of the sound of another skateboard approaching. He turned around and found someone else zipping toward them on the wall. It was pretty impressive until he tried to kick off, messed up, and ended up crashing to the ground on his face in front of him.

“…AMAZING.” The newcomer was wearing similar clothing, except his were a very dark green. He was also wearing a large yellow helmet that covered most of his head. He made some sort of muffled noises through the grass which the troll was sure were obscenities.

“oh hon3y!” The girl helped him stand up. He had tan skin and curly black hair. “4r3 you ok4y?”

“G0D FUCK11NG1G D4MM117!!” He flailed off her grip and clutched his head, “0WW…”

“are you guy2 2eriiou2ly the poliice?” She shrugged.

“c4mpus pol1c3 4nyw4ys. w3’r3 4ctu4lly st1ll stud3nts. 1 m34n STUD3NZ!” She struck a dramatic pose and threw out a peace sign. Karkat raised his eyebrow.

“WOW. THIS IS REALLY PATHETIC. I MIGHT JUST LEAVE FROM SHEER EMBARASSMENT OF BEING NEAR YOU.”

“H37!” The boy tottered up to him and struck and awkward pose that may have had the intent to be aggressive. “D0N’7 11NS0L7 UZZ FUCK11NG R3T4RGLSH.”

“*WHAT* DID YOU CALL ME?”

“com3 on hon.” The girl petted him on the shoulder and he slumped suddenly.

“1-11’M 2H0RR7…”

“ARE YOU PEOPLE SERIOUSLY THE COPS BECAUSE I FEEL STUPID FOR NOT BUSTING IN SOONER.”

“well she did get you right in the face”

“THAT WAS A SURPRISE ATTACK IT DOESN’T COUNT.” She snapped her finger at him again.

“don’t und3r3st1m4t3 th3 tun4-tul4 duo! w3…” She frowned and lowered her hand, “tun4, hon, 1 don’t th1nk you should…” Her companion has stumbled over to Sollux and was groping at his horns.

“7H32H 7H11NG2ZR3…”

“what the fuck?”

“7H0SH 7H11NGZSH…” He hunched over, gritting his teeth. “FFFUCK1111NG 4HSSH0L3!!”

“okay kk ii’m actually kiind of ready to leave now thii2 guy won’t 2top 2piitiing on me.”

“HEY!” Karkat faced the girl and pointed at them, “CALL OFF YOUR WEIRD BOYFRIEND.” She just gave a blank look and shrugged.

“w1ll you l34v3?”

“FUCK NO. WE’VE GOT TEAMMATES TO SAVE.”

“ugh.” Sollux tried to shove him away, “kk thii2 guy ha2 a wor2e lii2p than me he’2 gettiing 2piit all over me. hey aa you could help two iin2tead of ju2t 2tandiing there griinniing.”

“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

The girl popped a stick of gum into her mouth. “w3 don’t 4llow un3xp3ct3d v1s1tors! so you gott4 l34v3! l1k3 1t or not!” Karkat paused in trying to yank the boy off his friend.

“HOW? RIGHT NOW YOU’VE ONLY MANAGED TO ANNOY US.” She stared him down coolly as a candy bubble slowly inflated and popped.

 

000

 

“OH MY GOD. MY FUCKING CRANIUM FEELS LIKE IT’S BEEN REDUCED TO THE FINEST GRUB PUDDING.” Karkat groaned, rubbing his head as they walked down the sidewalk.

“i thought you might die from how much she smacked you!”

“SO WHY DIDN’T YOU HELP?! YOU TWO ARE BOTH FUCKING TELEKINETICS BUT YOU COULDN’T GET SOME DROOLING IDIOT OFF SOLLUX??!!” The mentioned troll rubbed his arm where large bite mark was now prominent.

“ii thought we weren’t 2uppo2ed two do 2tuff liike that around human2 but man that guy wa2 annoyiing a2 FUCK.”

“i think he kind of reminded me of you!”

“what?! no way!”

“WOW EVEN I HAVE TO SAY THAT’S A PRETTY HARSH INSULT.” He rubbed his neck, trying to work out the sore spots. “OKAY SO I GUESS WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM THIS IS TO TRY TO BE A LITTLE MORE…SNEAKY? I GUESS? WOW. WE DIDN’T EVEN LEARN ANYTHING USEFUL.”

“we learned kk lo2e2 to a human giirl wiith a 2kateboard.”

“GREAT JOB FUCKWAD. AND YOU LEARNED HOW IT FELT TO BE CONSTANTLY SHOWERED WITH SPIT WHILE BEING TALKED TO. I GUESS IT WASN’T A TOTAL LOSS.”

“:D”

 

000

Six months ago

 

Roxy sighed and tapped her pencil against the desk. It was the first day of school and they were already handing out tests? Well actually it was one of those little “future plans” things so she guessed she couldn’t complain too much. Really she was more annoyed over her present hangover.

She slapped her hand down on the sheet as it slipped onto her desk. The faster she got this over with the faster she could go back to her dorm and take a nap.

_“What dreams do you have for the future?”_

_i totes wanna be a scientist!_

She scribbled it down quickly.

 

_and maybe find some handsome guy to marry that’d be kewl_

She drew a little heart next to her answer then stood up, sauntering over to the front desk. No one else had turned theirs in yet; not everyone had her sharp confidence.

At least, that was the thought running through her head right before some kid suddenly cut directly in her path, slamming his sheet down on the front desk before turning and striding out the door. Roxy watched him go with interest. She didn’t recognize him; he was new this year. She glanced at the paper he’d put down. The words were scrawled across the page with no capitalization or punctuation.

 

_dreams are stupid and so is this assignment_

“huh.” She slipped her paper over his, then headed out of the classroom as well.

“hey!” The boy turned back as Roxy ran out into the hall after him. He had a pair of wide framed glasses and a streak of violet ran through his very dark hair. He raised an eyebrow at her energetic call.

“wwhat are you mad i walked in front a you”

“naw” She grinned at him, “neat scarf!” He scowled at her.

“are you makin fun a me or somethin” She rolled her eyes.

“uh no? i mean i got one too, see? so that would be kinda silly” She waved her own striped scarf under his nose, causing him to blink and step backward.

“okay you gotta point” He fixed his glasses, “an yours aint bad you got a sense a color at least” It took her a second to realize he’d been complimenting her.

“daw thanks” She playfully punched his arm. “im lalonde. roxy lalonde. u?” He straightened, putting on a touch of pride before answering.

“eridan ampora”

“eridan?” She echoed, “huh. u new this year?”

“yeah wwhy?”

“called it!” She patted him on the shoulder. “ive been here basically **forever** so if you got some questions ask me, kay?” He gave her a surprised look.

“wwoww okay thanks thats really nice of ya” She chuckled.

“wwwwowwww?” He blushed at her imitation, “where’re u from?”

“finland” He mumbled, “aint my fault english is so fucked up”

“its cool. hey, say something in finnish.”

“uh perkele” She giggled at the trilling sound his voice made.

“oh my god is that like “hello”?”

“sure”

 

000

Present

 

Eridan smoothed back his hair with his hands, then checked himself in the reflection of the window. He glanced down the hall where Feferi was leaning against the wall, staring at her phone. He took a deep , then tried his best to look casual as he walked over.

“uh hey fef” She looked up, then smiled.

“O)( )(i –Eridan! is t)(is about -Ecology glub?”

“uh no not really” He dug his hands in his pockets, “its just uh so this weekend-”

“O)( um, I’m pretty busy…”

“no no” His hands flew up to wave frantically and cut her off. “i meant last weekend like three days ago i wwasnt uh”

“O)(!” He grin returned and she brushed a stray lock of hair out of her face. “W)(at’s up?” He calmed down and cleared his throat.

“so i got kidnapped” She gave him a concerned look and cocked her head to the side.

“Are you okay?”

“im fine” He answered quickly, “its cool they wwere gonna toss me in a lake or somethin but im fine uh” He rubbed his head and studied the ground, “a-anywways im just sayin this cause they mentioned you” He straightened suddenly, “but a course i aint accusing you a bein wwith them i just wwanted to wwarn ya to be careful in case they try to do something get it”

“O)(. Um, t)(anks.”

“theyre these wweirdos in face paint and horns” He gestured to his head, “they act like idiots but theyre dangerous so be careful okay”

“Face paint?” She tapped her chin, looking pensive. “O)(, I t)(ink I met t)(em!”

“what” His eyes widened and he looked her over. “are you okay what happened” She laughed and waved away his concern.

“I’m fine! Reely! T)(ey didn’t seem so bad at all!” He gave her a doubtful look.

“wwell just wwatch out okay” She nodded.

“Alright. Thank you! Sea you at glub tomorrow!” She waved before stepping around him to head outside. He gave a little half-wave in response, watching her go.

“wow” Roxy sidled up beside him, “was that as awkward as it looked cause it looked purr- **ity** damn awkward” He groaned, falling back against the wall.

“shut up rox” She patted him on the shoulder.

“aw cheer up! she probably thought it was cute that you tried to warn her ‘bout the big bad cult people.”

“no she probably thinks im some wweirdo evven wweirder than them”

“feferi naw” She leaned against the wall beside him, “feferis awesome and shell totes see how awesome you are too just stop thinkin so much bout it” He sighed heavily and his shoulders slumped.

“god dammit shes so fuckin perfect howw is that possible” She nodded with understanding, patting him on the shoulder.

“and yours even likes guys too, lucky!” Eridan gave her a sympathetic look, then thought of something.

“oh right they mentioned nep too i guess i should tell her or somethin”

“you guess?” He scowled and rubbed his head.

“shes so wweird though i wwonder if i really gotta” Roxy rolled her eyes.

“cmon eri.” He shrugged.

“yeah yeah i know ill tell her later lets get outta here”

 

000

 

_All the other kids with the pumped up kicks…_

Eridan looked up as his computer beeped, declaring a message. He frowned, pulling his ear buds out and squinting at the handle. He didn’t recognize it, and when he opened it he found the chat log cluttered with a bunch of weird symbols in the place of words.

 

CA: uh hey whoever this is i aint got a clue what youre sayin

CA: i think you got the wrong handle

 

The stream of words stopped abruptly, then changed to English.

 

CG: WHAT, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

CG: YOU CAN’T READ ALTERNIAN SCRIPT ANYMORE??

CA: alternian

CA: looks like it came straight outta skyrim

CA: who is this howd you get my handle

CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD.

CG: I CAN ALREADY TELL THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO BE A UNIQUE AND FLAVORFUL SPECIAL KIND OF HELL.

CG: OKAY FIRST OF ALL, YOUR HANDLE IS EXACTLY THE SAME. OR IT ALMOST IS.

CG: IT FINALLY WORKED WHEN MY FUCKING FINGER SLIPPED. “CALIGULASAQUARIUS?” WHAT HAPPENED TO AQUARIUM?

CA: wait a second

CA: you aint one of those freaks are you

CG: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER YES TO THAT?

CA: oh my god

CA: youre the loud one that tried to cut me open aint you

CA: how the fuck did you get this name

CG: WOW. WHY DON’T YOU REREAD THE LINES RIGHT ABOVE YOU, FUCKWAD?

CG: ALL YOU DID WAS CHANGE THE LETTER AT THE END.

CA: ive had this handle for ages i never changed it

CG: BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT.

CG: EVENTUALLY I’M GOING TO RUB ENOUGH ICE COLD REFRESHING LOGIC IN YOUR HIDEOUS FACE THAT YOU’LL GIVE UP THIS IDIOTIC GAME.

CA: whatever why cant you just leave me alone

CA: ive got better things to do than deal with you people

CG: LIKE WHAT? SCHOOL? CLASSES? HOMEWORK?

CG: HANGING OUT WITH YOUR PALE-HAIRED HUMAN FRIEND?

CG: FUCK. WHAT WAS HER NAME? ROCKY OR SOMETHING.

CA: what

CG: I SWEAR IT WAS SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES.

CA: holy fuck

CA: how do you know about rox

CG: OH RIGHT. ROXY. THAT WAS IT.

CA: okay ill say this exactly once

CA: if you touch rox

CA: if you lay one slimy finger on her

CA: i will fuckin murder you

CA: i will break into the sharpshootin clubs equipment room and get a gun

CA: i will track you down

CA: and i will go to one a this countrys crappy prisons

CA: for pumpin you full a lead

CG: WOW OKAY.

CG: SINCE YOU SEEMED TO HAVE FORGOTTEN LITERALLY EVERYTHING I GUESS I COULD STAND TO TELL YOU ONE MORE FUCKING TIME THAT I’M NOT INTERESTED.

CA: what

CA: what the fuck what part a that sounded like i was hittin on you

CG: HOW ABOUT EVERY PART?

CG: I ONLY KNOW HER BECAUSE SHE NEARLY SHOT US DOWN WITH YOUR CRAZY LIGHTNING GUN.

CA: thats just complete bs

CA: even on her worst days of intoxication rox could easily hit you from a hundred meters away

CA: especially given how loud you are

CG: I’M SURE.

CA: why was she tryin ta shoot you anyways

CG: WE WERE LOOKING FOR YOU, IDIOT.

CA: oh

CA: you guys were the intruders

CA: shoulda known that

CG: WE DIDN’T REALLY “INTRUDE” THAT FAR UNTIL THOSE CRAZY CAMPUS POLICE CAME.

CA: haha

CA: i hope lat nailed you with her skateboard

CG: SHE DID, THANKS FOR ASKING.

CA: whatever

CA: just stay away from rox

CA: and fef while were at it

CG: CALM THE FUCK DOWN, AMPORA.

CG: WHAT, ARE YOU FLUSHED FOR HER OR SOMETHING?

CG: WHO AM I KIDDING, OF COURSE YOU ARE.

CG: I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOUR LOOK OF HORROR WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAD SOMETHING FOR ONE OF THE HUMANS YOU DETESTED SO MUCH.

CA: whoa hey

CA: i aint sure what flushed is but i dont have a crush on rox were friends

CA: shes just really important to me okay

CG: UH HUH. RIGHT.

CG: YOU’RE COMPLETELY AND UNEQUIVOCALLY PALE.

CG: YOU TWO HAVE STUMBLED HEAD OVER BONEBULGE INTO THE STRONGEST OF FRIENDSHIPS AND YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO NON-PLATONIC FEELINGS FOR HER.

CG: I HAVE TOTALLY NOT SEEN THIS BEFORE.

CA: oh my god just shut up

CA: aint a guy and a girl allowed to be friends without some romance goin on

CG: OF COURSE YOU ASSHOLE.

CG: JUST NOT YOU.

CA: wow

CA: just

CA: fuck you

CG: ALSO, ANOTHER THING.

CG: WHERE THE *FUCK* IS YOUR QUIRK?

CG: IT’S BEEN BOTHERING ME THIS ENTIRE TIME.

CA: my what

CG: THERE! SEE?! IT’S MISSING!

CA: what is

CG: FOR FUCKS SAKE. I’M TALKING ABOUT YOUR TYPING QUIRK. YOU TYPED WW AND VV TO SHOW YOUR ANNOYING AS FUCK ACCENT.

CA: youre serious

CA: are you actually expectin me to double my ws and vs to show my accent while typing

CG: UH, YES?

CA: wow

CA: i cant describe how stupid that sounds

CA: im just gonna say wow again

CA: just to spite you

CG: AGAIN WITH THE BLACK SOLICITATIONS.

CG: LOOK. IT’S NOT SO HARD, IS IT? JUST TAP THE STUPID FUCKING KEY TWICE.

CA: so it really annoys you im not doing that huh

CG: OH MY GOD.

CA: whats wrong

CA: why are you so worried

CG: STOP IT.

CA: wow

CA: is this really working

CG: OKAY JUST FUCK YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

CG: I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHY I EXPECTED ANYTHING FROM THIS CONVERSATION.

CA: me neither

CA: dont you have anythin better to do

CG: DON’T I FUCKING WISH.

CG: IF I KNEW THE HANDLES OF FEFERI OR NEPETA YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WOULD PREFER TO BE TALKING TO THEM.

CG: BUT APPARENTLY I’M STUCK WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO UNIMAGINATIVE TO CHANGE YOUR TROLLIAN HANDLE MORE THAN A LETTER.

CA: well sorry im really regrettin it now

CA: but i think i gotta solution for both our problems

 

caligulasAquarius blocked carcinoGeneticist.

 

CG: WHAT?

CG: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!

CG: GET THE FUCK BACK HERE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF GRUB SHIT!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I love writing the pesterlogs.  
> And yes Latula is the campus police. "Protecting the minds of the students." Get it? Geeeet it?"  
> Eridan and Feferi don't remember each other, so he gets to be awkward all over again.  
> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 1


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Karkat meets some new people, Kanaya receives an invitation, and Eridan regrets trying to be helpful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter some more Alpha kids! Yaaay! *blows little confetti canon*
> 
> There are characters I will never be able to write accurately. They are 1. Karkat because of his exquisite poetry. 2. Mituna because of his spelling, slurring, and bipolarness and 3. Jake because Jake.

 “okay how’2 that?”

“HOLY FUCK.” Karkat stared at the mirror. A pale human with black hair and brown eyes stared back with a bewildered and faintly disturbed expression. “I ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE A HUMAN.” He reached up to touch his head, “WHERE THE HELL-”

“relax iit’2 ju2t a hologram. you’re nub2 are 2tiill there.”

“OKAY GOOD.” He examined the black bracelet on his hand, “COULDN’T YOU HAVE MADE ME LOOK LESS LIKE SOME IDIOT?”

“fuck you kk, ii can’t work miiracle2 here you’ll alway2 look liike an iidiiot.”

“HA HA.” He checked his now significantly duller teeth, “WELL, THIS SHOULD AT LEAST KEEP US FROM STANDING OUT *TOO* MUCH.”

“yeah you have fun, ii’m not goiing out liike that.”

“EVEN FOR FEFERI?”

“…double fuck you.”

“Sollux Is Karkat In Here” Kanaya appeared at the doorway. She blinked in surprise at the human stranger. “Is That”

“YEAH, IT’S ME.” He pressed a button on the bracelet, disabling the illusion. “I HAD SOLLUX MAKE THESE SO WE WON’T GET THROWN IN SOME LAB WHILE LOOKING FOR OUR TEAMMATES.”

“Ah I See How Did Your Visit To The School Go By The Way”

“IT WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE AND FOLLOWED BY ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL AND LABORIOUS CHATS I HAD EVER BEEN IN. AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING.”

“Could I Try”

“WHAT, CHATTING WITH ERIDAN? SURE, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.”

“I Meant That” She pointed to the bracelet. The troll glanced down at it and shrugged, snapping it off.

“GO AHEAD. MIGHT AS WELL SEE WHAT IT DOES TO OTHER PEOPLE.” He tossed it to her. She put it on a pressed the button. Her skin flickered and turned a dark bronze and her eyes became chocolate brown while her hair stayed black.

“Fascinating” She examined herself in the mirror, repeating Karkat’s action of checking for her horns. “Is It Just An Illusion”

“yeah”

“This Is Very Impressive”

“REALLY? I JUST FOUND IT FUCKING CREEPY.”

“you’re the one who a2ked for iit.”

“THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T FIND IT INCREDIBLY CREEPY. WHATEVER.” He held out his hand, “GIVE IT BACK. I’M HEADING INTO TOWN.” She returned the bracelet.

“Again”

“YEAH. I NEED TO GET MY DAILY DOSE OF FUCK-MY-LIFE.”

“I See Would You Like Company On Your Trip To Gain Your Intake Of Questionable Nutrition”

“DOES SOLLUX HAVE ANOTHER BRACELET?”

“giive me two miinutes.”

 

000

 

Karkat tapped his foot impatiently, standing outside the house’s entrance. He looked up to glare at Kanaya as she came out the door.

“THAT WAS A SHIT TON LONGER THAN TWO MINUTES.”

“I Do Not Believe The Allotted Time Included My Own Preparations” She had changed clothes and adjusted her make-up. He growled in annoyance.

“WHATEVER, LET’S GO.” He jerked his arm impatiently for them to get going, “FUCK. I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW MANY TIMES I’VE HAD TO MAKE THIS WALK.”

“It Is Not That Far”

“FUCK YES IT IS. I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF WALKING THROUGH THIS DUMB FOREST. WHY THE FUCK CAN’T WE FLY OR SOMETHING. KANAYA, DO YOU EVER WISH YOU COULD FLY? JUST TO BE ABLE TO GET SHIT DONE FASTER?”

“I Suppose The Idea Has Crossed My Mind Once Or Twice”

“I KNOW, RIGHT? AT LEAST I HAVE YOU FOR COMPANY INSTEAD OF SOME OTHER DOUCHEBAG.”

“Why Thank You”

“AND THOSE STUPID ASSHOLES COULD BE MORE GRATEFUL FOR THE SHIT WE’RE DOING FOR THEM. AND BY ASSHOLES I MEAN AMPORA SINCE WE ONLY SAW FEFERI ONCE AND HAVEN’T FOUND NEPETA YET. I HOPE SHE’S ACTUALLY HERE.”

“Evidence Would Suggest That She Is”

“YEAH BUT, I GUESS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE HER, JUST TO MAKE SURE.” He crossed his arms and hunched his shoulders, “…I’M ACTUALLY PRETTY FUCKING WORRIED FOR THEM. JUST, EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS LIKE A HUGE FIRE IN THE SKY SCREAMING “THIS IS A FUCKING QUAGMIRE OF DANGEROUS ISSUES TURN BACK NOW YOU GODDAMN IDIOT”.”

“I Am Surprised At The Reaction Eridan Gave Us Is There I Reason He Would Be So Negative To My Harvesting Of Plant Matter For Our Heating System”

“WELL I DON’T ACTUALLY BLAME HIM FOR THAT. I MEAN YOU CAN ACTUALLY BE PRETTY TERRIFYING WITH THAT THING, EVEN WHEN YOU’RE JUST USING IT ON SOME STUPID BLOCKS OF WOOD.”

“I See Perhaps He Identified With The Poor Slice Of Tree I Was So Brutally Executing”

“HE’S GOT THE BRAINS OF ONE, AT LEAST. FUCK HIS STUBBORNESS.”

The banter and complaining continued throughout the duration of the 20 minute trip. Karkat checked to make sure he still looked like a human, then took a deep breath.

“OKAY LET’S HOPE THESE THINGS DON’T HAVE A SHORT BATTERY LIFE OR SOMETHING.”

“That Would Be Unfortunate”

He dug his hands in his pockets and started heading for the school gates, trying to look as casual as possible. Kanaya fell into step beside him.

“What Exactly Is Our Objective Here”

“FIND OUT AT MUCH AS WE CAN WITHOUT GETTINGTHE SHIT BEAT OUT OF US.”

“I See You Have No Plan”

“I AM GATHERING INFORMATION, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.” His eyes narrowed as he noticed two kids walking toward the gate. They looked familiar…

“HEY!” He broke into a run to intercept them before they went through. “JOHN! DAVE! WERE THOSE YOUR NAMES?” He grabbed the dark haired one on the shoulder and turned him around. Immediately his hand cringed back. “FUCK, OOPS.”

“Oh golly!”The stranger blinked at him. While he also had black hair and glasses, his eyes were a forest green, and his skin was a light tan. “So sorry there sir! Have we met? I can be quite the absent minded fellow sometimes do forgive me.” The other boy turned around and Karkat realized that while he looked also similar, his shades had a sharper style, as did his hair.

“Who the Hell are you?”He was much blunter in his questioning, which Karkat could respect.

“SORRY.” He backed up a step as Kanaya joined them. “I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE SOME OTHER GUYS.”

“Quite all right there chap!”The first boy grinned, “My name is jake english. This here is mr dirk strider. He can be a little over reactive when strangers are near me but I suppose thats par for the course of boyfriends!”

“OKAY HI. I’M KARKAT, THIS IS KANAYA, AND THAT IS A SHITTY THING TO SAY ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND ON THE FIRST MEETING.”

“I’m not that clingy, dude.”

“Are You Two Students Here” Kanaya decided it was a wise time to steer the subject elsewhere. It was kind of obvious to tell though, since they had been heading into the gate. Not to mention they were also wearing uniforms similar to the campus police. The only difference was that Jake’s had a light yellow color scheme while Dirk’s was a dark reddish magenta.

“We sure are!” Jake grinned. “Whats your interest in our fine curriculum?”

“REALLY JUST ANYTHING YOU FEEL LIKE PRATTLING ON ABOUT?”

“Well gosh sir!” He rubbed his head, giving a wide-eyed look. “I have not the faintest idea how to start. Our dorms have twelve houses. Im part of the hope house while dirk here is part of the heart house.”

“HOUSES?”

“Yeah, every house has a separate dorm and uniform.” Dirk pointed to his jacket, “These are the heart colors. Sometimes we have competitions or group activities together.”

“THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE BLOOD CASTE SYSTEM ALL OVER AGAIN.”

“The what?”

“NEVER MIND.” Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized Kanaya was no longer beside him, but he trusted her not to get into too much trouble. “WHAT DO YOU LEARN HERE?”

“Oh just all the normal malarky.”He answered cheerfully, “Math science history and some more interesting things like robotics! The sharpshooting club is a barrel of fun!”

“SHARPSHOOTING CLUB? RIGHT. NEXT QUESTION. DO YOU KNOW A FEFERI, NEPETA, OR ERIDAN? I’D ACTUALLY PREFER THE FIRST TWO BECAUSE I’VE HAVE IT UP TO MY NUBS WITH ERIDAN.”

“Oh! You know mr eridan?”Fuck Karkat’s life. “Hes in the hope house with me! A real interesting fellow! Hes best chums with roxy so were often hanging around together!”

“Yeah, he’s alright.” Dirk shrugged. “We talk sometimes. Sort of.”

“SORT OF?”

“Yeah,” He adjusted his shades, “Let’s just say he thinks we talk a lot more than we actually do.”

“O…KAY.”

“He’s the only guy who I let rip on me for of my sexuality, because he’s so goddamn hilarious about it.”

“SEXUALITY?”

“Yeah, if Jake didn’t clue you in, I’m gay, and I’ve gotten shit for it, but Ampora’s the only guy who’s delivered it on the premise I was being way to close-minded about women. Like, he doesn’t give a shit that I like guys he’s just weirded out that I don’t like both.” He shrugged, “I know I should be offended but every time I listen to him I have to resist cracking up. And I know he’s only annoyed with me because of Roxy. He probably wouldn’t give a fuck otherwise.”

“WOW. I HAVE TO HAVE RESPECT FOR ANYONE WHO CAN STAND BEING IN CONTACT WITH HIM FOR ANY LONG PERIOD OF TIME.”

“I think Roxy wins that award. She’s incredible like that.” He leaned against the wall, “You said you were looking for a Feferi and a Nepeta?” The troll straightened.

“YEAH.”

“There’s a Feferi in the life house. She volunteers with Jane at one of the medical offices. I’ve seen Nepeta around in the Heart dorm and at anime and manga club.”

“Oh right! That completely slipped my mind!”

“SO SHE’S HERE.”

“Yeah.”

“GREAT, THANKS. UH…” He shrugged awkwardly, “DOES SHE EVER MENTION SOME FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL OR SOMETHING?” Dirk’s eyebrows raised just a bit at the comment.

“I don’t really talk to her that much, so no.”

“ALRIGHT. THAT WAS A STUPID QUESTION.” Jake cocked his head to the side.

“Would you like us to pass on a missive perhaps?”

“NO. IT’S FINE. ACTUALLY IF YOU SEE AMPORA, CAN YOU TELL HIM TO GO FUCK HIMSELF? EVEN THOUGH I’M PRETTY SURE NOT EVEN *HE* WOULD SCREW HIM.”

“Can do.”

“We should really be going now! Free period is almost up and all that.”Jake grinned at them, “Nice to meet you! Cheerio!”

“UH, YEAH, SURE. BYE.” Karkat watched them head through the gate, then looked around for Kanaya. “KANAYA? WHERE THE FUCK-”

“Right Here” He turned around.

“OH. OKAY.” He pointed at a sheet of paper she had in her hands. “WHAT’S THAT?”

“While You Were Talking With The Humans I Ran Into The Principal And When I Questioned Him About The School He Responded By Giving Me This” She looked down at it, “It Appears To Be An Application Form For Enrollment”

“WHAT, HE INVITED YOU TO JOIN?!” She tucked it into her sylladex.

“He Invited Me To Fill Out A Request For Acceptance And Seemed To Encourage I Do So” He looked around suspiciously.

“BUT THAT’S IT, RIGHT? HE DIDN’T TRY TO DRAG YOU THROUGH THE GATE OR ANYTHING?”

“No” She pointed at her face, “Recall That In These Human Disguises It Would Appear As If We Never Met Perhaps It Was Just A Normal Response To Inquiry About The School”

“HUH.” He glared at the building, “THAT’S NOT ALL THERE IS THOUGH, RIGHT? THE WOULDN’T JUST ENTER BECAUSE THEY GOT A DUMB SHEET.”

“At The Very Least They Would Discuss It With Their Friends”

“YEAH AND I DON’T RECALL ANY OF THEM SAYING THEY WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO EXPERIENCE HUMAN EDUCATION, WHICH FROM WHAT I CAN TELL, SUCKS.”

“Yes I Doubt It Was A Lucid Decision On Their Part Did The Humans Say Anything Interesting”

“YEAH, SO THEY’RE ALL THERE SOMEWHERE. THEY ALSO SAID SOME CRAP ABOUT HOUSES AND DORMS WHICH I REALLY DIDN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT. GUESS WE BETTER GO TELL THE OTHERS.”

Dirk paused to watch as they left. Jake turned around and gave him a puzzled look.

“Dirk? Has something about those two chums piqued your interest?”

“…Nah.” He turned back, “I might just keep an eye on them if they show up again.” His glasses suddenly notified him that he had a message. In fact, they were the one sending it.

 

TT: Dirk.

TT: What?

TT: It seems they were wearing some sort of holographic disguise.

TT: What, really?

TT: Yes Dirk. Really.

 

Jake watched him converse with the being inside his glasses.

“Lil hal is mr eridan still in the dark on your existence?”

“Dude, don’t encourage him with that name.”

The Hope dorm student received a prompt message back on his own phone.

 

TT: It seems so. Or at least he has not brought up the idea that, when we chat, he is not in actuality speaking with the real Dirk.

TT: Given how many times we’ve conversed, I’m predicting there is an 87% chance he is aware but chooses to ignore it.

TT: The remaining 23% rests in the possibility he is incredibly dense.

TT: I just redid the calculations and would like to present the chances to be more 69% and 31%.

TT: Also please ignore Dirk’s demands and continue to call me Lil Hal.

TT: You are your own man, Jake.

TT: Dirk is being over-controlling.

TT: You guys know I can see these messages, right?

 

Jake laughed and closed the chat.

“Well come on then we should skedaddle back to class before the teacher gets his britches in a knot!”

 

000

 

“HEY ASSHOLES. WE’RE BACK.” Tavros, the only person in the room, looked up.

“hEY, uHH, dID YOU FIND, aNYTHING?”

“I GUESS.” Equius appeared in the doorway.

“D--> What progress was made”

“SO APPARENTLY NEPETA IS IN THE SCHOOL. SOME GUY TOLD ME SHE WAS STAYING AT THE HEART HOUSE, DORM, COLLECTIVE HIVE THING.” He took off his bracelet, turning back into a troll, “THERE. THAT’S SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER. HEY, IF YOU PROMISE TO BE ON THE BEST FUCKING BEHAVIOR YOU CAN MANAGE, AND YOU DON’T ACCIDENTLY FLEX YOUR ARM TOO HARD AND SNAP THE BRACELET, YOU CAN COME NEXT TIME WE HEAD OUT TO LOOK FOR HER.”

“D--> No, thank you”

“WHAT??” He gave him a surprised look, “WHAT THE HELL? YOU WERE TOTALLY ALL ABOUT FINDING HER. DOES THE IDEA OF LOOKING LIKE A HUMAN DISGUST YOU SO MUCH YOU’RE GOING TO SIT HERE IN A PILE OF SWEAT INSTEAD?”

“D--> No” He crossed his arms and stared at the ground, “D--> I am now…apprehensive about meeting her in a human form”

“WHAT? WHY?” He looked away.

“D--> …Will she fear me, as the Seadweller did”

“OH MY FUCKING GOD. OKAY, LISTEN UP:” He threw his hands out to one side, “DO I REALLY HAVE TO TELL YOU HOW DIFFERENT NEPETA IS,” He gestured to the other side to highlight the difference, “FROM ERIDAN?? AND WE ALREADY MET FEFERI AND SHE DIDN’T THREATEN THE POLICE ON US.”

“D--> But is it true what he said, that I am frightening”

“uHH, yES,”

“TAVROS!” He growled at him in a loud whisper, “NOT THE FUCKING TIME!”

“sORRY,”

“D--> I do not wish to meet her if I would frighten her”

“WHAT IF YOU HELP HER REMEMBER?!”

“D--> Has anything like that happened”

“WELL, NO, NOT REALLY. I GUESS FEFERI *KIND OF* LOOKS LIKE SHE MIGHT HAVE…” He sighed at the depressed form of the usually stoic troll. “OKAY. FINE. IF THAT’S HOW YOU WANT IT. AS LONG AS YOU DON’T BREAK TOO MANY THINGS.” He nodded, then went back through the hallway to go do who-knows-what. Probably pound out his feelings on some robot. As long as it didn’t damage anything else, Karkat was alright with the violent therapy.

 

000

 

caesarAugustus began pestering tipsyGnostalgic.

 

CA: hey rox where are you

CA: rox are you skippin again

TG: uhhmmmm…

TG: what could a stranger such as urself want with mah presnt locashun?

TG: *present

TG: *location

CA: cut it out rox ive had this handle for a week now

CA: are you drunk again

TG: naw worse

TG: im totes hungover :(

CA: same thing

TG: is not!

CA: whatever you know history is startin in six minutes right where are you

TG: uuhhhhhggggg! history is so effin boring!

CA: rox come on if you skip too much your gonna fail

TG: nooooo i dun wanna :P

CA: god dammit rox you signed me up for ethics with kankri and if that aint a livin hell every single minute i dont know what is

CA: how the fuck can you hate history anyways

TG: buh! its boooooriiinnn!

CA: see this is why youre failin

CA: cant appreciate the rich lessons we can get from these people

CA: napoleon conquered a fuckin continent and youre sleepin in the back no fuckin respect

TG: pffff ur so funny eri

TG: fine ill head over

TG: but only cause mah funny hipster wizard friend is thar!

TG: btw we’re headin out after class you wanna come?

CA: we

TG: me jakey and dirk

CA: god dammit rox why do you hang out with them

TG: daw u know ur chill w/ them

CA: i hate dirk hes an asshole with a terrible taste in lovers and apparently too good for any girl

CA: and the only person i hate more than him is his dick of a boyfriend

CA: he seriously couldnt have worse social skills if he was raised alone on a remote island and since its comin from me you know how bad it is

CA: and hes always so fuckin cheerful and thinks hes the best thing ever its sickening

CA: yet somehow hes got two people pining after him

CA: i just hate him so much with this special passion that makes me feel kind of disturbed at myself

CA: plus hes in the hope house i fuckin hate everyone in the hope house

TG: eri

TG: ur in the hope house lol

CA: dont fuckin remind me i dont know why but i just hate everythin about it

CA: maybe its because a jake and cro but it seems deeper than that

CA: i fuckin hate the stupid mentality and the stupid idealistic people and the color

CA: why the fuck do i hate yellow so much i dont know

TG: lol k

TG: so you dont wanna come?

CA: a course im comin i cant leave you alone to be the third wheel like that

CA: what about jane

TG: shes workin at the nurses :(

CA: alright so at least she doesnt have to watch her crush make out with his boyfriend

TG: lol kay im headin over now

TG: meet up outside the theater entrance latre ;)

TG: *later

 

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering caesarAugustus.

 

Eridan put his phone away and looked around. The rest of the students were mingling about, waiting for the class to start. Two seats in front of him was a girl named Nepeta. She was hunched over something on her desk. Eridan had found the exchange student kind of odd and they hadn’t really spoken unless they were hanging out with Roxy. Still, he might as well tell her…

He got up and walked over, trying to find the best way to breach the topic without coming off as a total weirdo.

 _“cant be wworse than wwith fef right”_ He peaked over her shoulder to find she was drawing a picture of someone. He frowned, recognizing him.

“wwhat the fuck aint that the swweaty guy” The girl jerked her head up at him. “uh oops” Her eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed as she covered the drawing and hissed at him, red rising in her cheeks.

“:33< *ac didn’t say you could look!*” Right, she had this weird way of speaking. He stepped back and held his hands up.

“wwhoa hey sorry i just recognized him wwhats the big deal” She gaped at him, speechless. “wwhat”

“:33< *have you been stalking ac?!*”

“what **no** ” Now it was his turn to blush in embarrassment as a few other kids turned to look and giggled. “aint i allowwed ta knoww someone you knoww not that i wwanted ta meet him” She glared at him suspiciously, tucking the paper to her chest.

“:33< you haven’t met him”

“i havve so” He answered indignantly. He started counting off his fingers. “his name wwas equiwwas or somethin he had these broken shades an teeth an one a his stupid horns wwas broken and he broke my skates an i thought he wwas gonna break **me** he can lift me off the ground wwith one hand an he has this wweird wway a talkin like he starts out so fucking punctual but by the end leads off so you nevver know wwhere he wwas goin wwith it its like an arroww that missed its” He paused, noting the way she was staring at him open-mouthed. “uh mark”

She slowly reached into her bag and took out some more drawings. She started flipping through them, then looked back at him.

“:33< how did you know that?” He shrugged awkwardly.

“like i said i met him he seemed like a total thug so wwhat howw do **you** knoww him”

“:33< *ct is ac’s oc*” She mumbled, looking back at the drawings. The other gave her a confused look.

“ct ac oc” He repeated blankly. “oc **oh** ” He clamped his mouth shut, then laughed nervously. “right hes a character in your head ” He crossed his arms, “he aint real just fake totally fakey fake my mistake” He turned around and started to quickly head back to his seat.

“:33< hey!” She started after him but Roxy suddenly dashed in, followed seconds later by the teacher.

“Alright class! Everyone take your seats!” Nepeta hesitated, then grudgingly sat back down. Roxy stumbled into her seat next to Eridan and shot him a wink. She couldn’t understand why he didn’t return it, or didn’t even seem to notice her. He just stared straight ahead, hands clasped so tightly they turned white.

 

000

 

“heeeey!” Roxy bounced up to the two boys waiting outside the theater entrance. Eridan trailed behind her, shooting the two a glare. It didn’t seem to strike the two as unusual though.

“Hey Ampora.” Dirk raised his hand in greeting. The other gave him a grudging nod. “Oh, someone gave me a message to give you.”

“huh” He gave him an annoyed look, “wwhat wwho”

“It was some guy named Karkat.”

“nevver heard a him”

“Well he wanted me to tell you to go fuck yourself.” He stared at him in disbelief.

“are you serious” He shrugged.

“Don’t shoot the messenger.”

“wwhy the hell did you evven bother to delivver that”

“hey guys!” Roxy waved her hands at them, “come on where’re we headin?”

“Dirk and i were thinking about heading to the arcade! I hear they have a new shooting game!”

“awesome! lets go!” Eridan shrugged.

“yeah that doesnt sound so” He heard a clattering above him and looked up. “huh” A student on the yard behind them cried out in alarm.

“holy sh*t, she jumped!”

“:33< ha!” Nepeta fell onto Eridan’s shoulders, slamming him into the ground. “:33< *ac caught you!*”

“ugh” He groaned and rubbed his head, then looked up and glared at the girl, “wwhat the fuck get off me” She stared back down at him without moving.

“:33< where did you meet ct?” He groaned again, letting his head fall back on the ground.

“nepeta?!” Roxy gave them a puzzled look. “eri wat did you do?!”

“nothin i swwear” He fixed his glasses, “look that wwas a misunderstandin okay”

“:33< it was not!” She dug her fingernails into his shoulders, making him wince. “:33< *ac nefur even wrote some of those parts down but they were still true!*”

“oh my god” He covered his face with his hands, “oh my fuckin god wwhy is this happenin ta me”

“Miss leijon would you mind gettin off our dear chum there?” She pouted, but got up. Eridan pushed himself to his feet, smacking dust from his pants and glaring at her.

“:33< how do you know ct?”

“What’s going on here?”

“okay look it wwasnt your character it wwas just some wweirdo thug”

“:33< no it wasn’t!” She insisted, then rubbed her head. “:33< *ct has been hanging around in ac’s head and ac thought he was just an oc but at the same time he doesn’t seem like one! * he’s real, isn’t he?”

“wwell maybe you wwanted to forget or somethin”

“:33< no!” She hissed, making him flinch back. It was an actual hiss, like a cat. “:33< just tell me where you saw him!” His shoulders slumped and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“i found him wwith a bunch a wweirdos in face paint and horns somewwhere in the forest so wwhat” She turned around and started to march toward the gate. “wwhat hey wwhere are you goin are you gonna **go there** now” He chased after her. The remaining three exchanged a few glances.

“…Yeah, I think we should just go.”

“Maybe hell meet us there.”

 

000

 

“:33< here?”

“yeah” Eridan gestured to the forest, “they wwere hidin in some abandoned house in the middle a the forest hey wwhatre you doin” He grabbed her arm to stop her from walking in, “we aint allowwed to go in there” She twisted out of his grip, hissing.

“:33< you went in before didn’t you?” He scowled.

“i got dragged there inna sack wwasnt my idea” She gave him an odd look, then turned back.

“:33< *ac can find them herself!*” She stalked into the bushes. Eridan growled and watched her go. He turned around back toward the path, then looked back at the forest, shifting his weight back and forth. He finally spat some obscenity and went running after her.

“hey” She turned around as he caught up with her, tucking her arms closer in case he tried to grab them again.

“:33< *ac said you didn’t have to come*”

“well *ea aint leavvin some girl to wwander round the wwoods lookin for some cult*” He took out his phone, “rox and the others probably already left ill tell them if wwe dont back ta call the cops” She rolled her eyes.

“:33< which way?”

“uh” He hesitantly held up his finger, pointing to the left. “think it wwas more a this wway”

They wandered through the woods, with Eridan’s faint memory of the trip making it a least a little shorter.

“that looks like it” He pointed to the grey corner of a building peaking through the trees, “they hang out in some abandoned buildin and believve theyre aliens and did i mention one had a sickle and wwanted ta cut me open”

“:33< *ac is starting to understand why*” She muttered under her breath, having tired of her companion’s attempts to dissuade her long ago. Before he could say anything else she charged forward through the trees.

Terezi looked up as the girl burst into the clearing, shaking leaves out of her hair. She took a deep sniff.

“WHO’S TH4T?”

Eridan stumbled through the bushes after her and caught her arm.

“hey you tryin ta kill yourself” He looked up at the troll and tensed. She gave a wide grin in response.

“H1 3R1D4N!”

“PLEASE TO GOD TELL ME WE DON’T HAVE ANY MORE VISITORS.” Karkat stomped out, then stopped when he saw the two humans at the edge of the clearing. “OH SHIT….NEPETA? IS THAT YOU?” She nodded faintly, staring at them wide-eyed.

“…WELL, OKAY.” He turned to call over his shoulder, “HEY! SOMEONE GET EQUIUS!”

“nep” Eridan prodded her on the shoulder, “please tell me youre finally gettin some sense a preservvation and wwanna run noww” She shook her head violently.

“HeEeEy i fOuNd oUr bUdDy!” Gamzee came out, dragging Equius by the unbroken horn.

“D--> Highb100d I demand, I mean request, I, please let me go”

“cHiLl mOtHeRfUcKeR.” He pointed at Nepeta, “YoU GoT SoMeOnE To sEe yOu.” He stiffened, spotting the human version of his moirail.

“D--> Oh” His hands, slick with sweat, clenched tightly. “D--> Nepeta. I…you…hi” She stared at him, completely stunned. He glanced away, fiddling with his hair. “D-->…Do you remember me”

She broke into a sprint, racing toward him at full speed. Surprised, he took a step back. “D--> Uh”

She leapt forward at his chest. “:33< ct!” They tumbled to the ground, “:33< *ct is real!* you’re real! you’re…equius!”

“D--> I, yes, I am real” He held up her hat, “D--> I have been watching this for you”

“:33< this!” She took it and examined it closely, “:33< this is ac’s hat! it has holes for the horns!” She laughed, “:33< it’s all sweaty!” Her moirail sat up, looking embarrassed.

“D--> Sorry” She put it on anyways, then looked around. Several of the other trolls had come out to see the commotion. She jabbed a finger at Karkat.

“:33< cg! karkitty!” He nodded, almost smiling with relief. She went in a slow circle, pointing at each of them. “:33< ga gc aa ta” She whirled around suddenly, “:33< and c-huh?” They followed her finger to the edge of the trees. Eridan was picking his way over the bushes back into the cover of the forest. He turned around, realizing they had gone silent.

“oh shit”

“WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING? ARE YOU GOING TO GET FEFERI?” He scowled at him.

“no i wwas plannin to go see if rox an the others wwere still at the arcade then ill probably head back to my dorm and do some homewwork”

“…WHAT?” He threw his hands out, “THAT WAS A JOKE, RIGHT?”

“no one heres laughin”

“BECAUSE IT WASN’T FUNNY. EVEN IF YOU STILL CAN’T DREDGE YOUR MEMORIES OUT FROM THE SORRY WASTELAND THAT IS YOUR THINK PAN, ISN’T NEPETA KIND OF PROOF WE’VE BEEN RIGHT THE *WHOLE FUCKING TIME*?!” He rolled his eyes and waved his hand at them.

“hey all this provves is you guys **might** be part a some memory that i tried really hard ta suppress but i aint gonna drag nep back if she wwants to play wwith you losers hopefully she wwont completely lose it” Nepeta hopped up.

“:33< *ca shouldn’t go back there!*”

“yeah okay im doin wwhat i wwant havve fun wwith your swweaty friend” He kicked his way through the foliage, moving quickly in case they decided to seize the opportunity for another kidnapping.

“Shall We Pursue Him”

“WHAT SO HE CAN GO YELL AT US AND CALL THE POLICE? I THOUGHT HIS NARROW MIND WAS A PAIN BEFORE BUT THIS IS JUST RIDICULO-WHOA!” He stumbled over as Nepeta rammed into him from the side.

“:33< karkitty! *ac missed you so much too!*”

“LET GO OF MY YOU CRAZY…UH,” He caught a glare from Equius. “*CG IS RELIEVED THAT ONE OF HIS TEAMMATES HAS RETURNED.* NOW GET OFF ME!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goddammit Eridan.
> 
> "References to Eridan's death" count: 2  
> Eridan, at one point, applied to move into the Rage dorm for its color and values, but was rejected. Since the Rage dorm is the traditional rival to the Hope dorm, this probably did not help his relationship with his fellow dorm-mates, if they actually cared instead of being optimistic laid-back people.
> 
> In case you couldn't tell, the student who yelled when Nepeta jumped was Rufioh. It was more clear when I had all the text colored, but coding that is a pain.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a shitload of information is revealed through pesterlogs, flashbacks, flashbacks of pesterlogs, and pesterlogs about flashbacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little slow, but hey, how much of homestuck is wandering away from the plot to engage in silly side-parts that provide information that will be relevant later?  
> Enjoy the pesterlogs and dramatic irony.

5 months ago

 

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering caligulasAquarius.

 

TG: heeeeey wizerd boy!

TG: *wizard lol

TG: its roxy

TG: wassup?

CA: oh hey rox

CA: im just hangin in my room why

TG: just checkin out ur chat log

TG: purty color r u an aqairus?

TG: *aquraius

TG: *aquarius lol

CA: yeah

TG: kewl

TG: so what do you think of school so far?

CA: a total waste a time mostly

CA: besides history and science the rest is just borin and pointless

TG: lol wat bout clubs? theyre fun

CA: i aint part a any clubs aint gonna waste more time than i have to

TG: but clubs are fun! they arnt like classes!

TG: ya know theres a magic club? u should totes come!

CA: sounds stupid

TG: is not :P its totes fun and i know you like magic even if you keep sayin its fake

TG: imma drag u there next time

CA: well fine ill try it out but itll just make me feel like some kid

TG: :D

TG: wat did u do 4 fun back at finland?

CA: hm

CA: huntin mostly

TG: whoa really?

CA: yeah i remember baggin all sorts a stuff i was one a the best

TG: :(

CA: what

TG: was it just 4 fun?

CA: nah i always did it for somethin

CA: cant exactly remember though i think i was feedin somethin for a friend like a giant pet or somethin

TG: oh i guess thats kewl

TG: pet coulda used kibble or somethin tho

CA: hey this thing was way too good for some store bought shit

CA: mighta been a shark or somethin whatever

TG: waaaaaaait

CA: whaaaaat

TG: u used a gun or somethin?

CA: yeah im fuckin unstoppable with a rifle

TG: omg!!!

TG: u should join the sharpshootin club!

CA: sounds like a much better use a time than some magic club

TG: lol u can be on both i am

CA: huh really

CA: you gotta show me what you can do sometime

TG: lol deal

TG: hey

CA: what

TG: remebre that test we took at the beginning of the year?

TG: *remember

CA: what the science one

TG: nuuuuu :P

TG: the one bout our futures

CA: oh that stupid claptrap

CA: what a waste of time

TG: i saw urs

CA: oh yeah you were right behind me

CA: so what

TG: ur answer was a little sad

CA: i wasnt gonna waste my time on such a stupid question

CA: doesnt mean i aint got any big plans

TG: like wat

CA: i dunno

TG: lol

CA: probably military or somethin

CA: my dad was a huge military guy

TG: huh i dont hear much bout the finnish military

CA: well remind me ta tell you bout the winter war we were fuckin invincible

CA: what did you write down

TG: im gonna be a scitnist

TG: *scientist

CA: alright thats a respectable position you could go far there

TG: daw thanks

TG: i also wrote somethin else dont laugh k

TG: i rly wanna find a nice husband

CA: dont see a problem with that

CA: no one wants ta die alone

TG: u dont think its silly?

CA: nah

CA: um hey

CA: i guess i got one a those stupid idealistic dreams too

CA: if i tell ya you gotta promise not ta laugh

TG: aw dont worry eri i wont

CA: im serious im not gonna open up my heart just to get some rofl

TG: i wont! not even a lol!

TG: miss zupperlips right here

TG: uh *zopperlips

TG: yeah forget it i wont laugh

CA: alright so along with growin up ta be some military legend

CA: i guess i kinda wanna like

CA: be someones prince i guess

TG: huh?

CA: you better not be fucking laughing

TG: im not!

TG: so liek…a prince.

TG: like “save the princess”?

TG: or another prince in ur case lol

CA: well yeah i mean id prefer a girl but

CA: kinda like the disney movies

TG: um eri

TG: the disney princes all actually kind of suck

CA: what no they dont what do you mean

TG: well lets see how bout cinderella

TG: so its a party and this pretty stranger shows up and hes liek hubba hubba

TG: but then midnight comes and she runs away leaving behind a shoe

TG: so hes like “kewl ill just look through the entire kingdom finding whoever matches this shoe”

CA: so what just means hes determined

CA: really loves her

TG: or hes a stalker lol

CA: whatever i guess that ones a little weird

TG: and what abt beauty and the beast

CA: well

CA: he had some problems goin on

TG: sleepin beauty?

TG: hey heres this chick sleepin I think ill kiss her

CA: okay fine

CA: i guess it really is pretty stupid

TG: aw no its not

TG: tbh sometimes i wish a prince would come 4 me

TG: cept mine is with someone already

TG: pls hes gaaaaay

TG: fml

CA: yeah that really sucks what a stupid reason not to be with someone

CA: like “id date you if you were a guy” what an asshole

CA: i mean id prefer a girl but i aint gonna just shut out someone like that

TG: omg eri rotfl

TG: rotfl so hard

TG: u killed me eri

CA: i know its weird but

CA: its just so picky

CA: whatever

TG: pffff lol

TG: ur like…reverse homapobic

TG: *homphomic

TG: agjagj

CA: homophobic

TG: lol yeah

TG: ur like that

TG: cept 4 straight and gay people

TG: cmon eri no hate

CA: im not homophobic

CA: or heterophobic or whatever

CA: i guess im just really upset you cant be with him

TG: daw thnks

TG: i hope u find ur princess/prince

CA: thanks

CA: and even though we pretty much declared disney a sucky comparison

CA: i still kinda wanna be like the little mermaid

TG: why?

CA: i dunno i thought that one was just really nice for some reason

CA: like destiny really showed through there

TG: only in the disney version tho

CA: what do you mean is there another version

TG: uh

TG: nope

 

000

Present

 

“…this 9f c9urse leads t9 the crux 9f the third p9int 9f my thesis 9n the feelings 9f…”

Eridan wrote the final equation for his math homework. Six months of Current Events with Kankri from the Blood House had made him an expert as tuning him out. The entire block that he was bound to take up every time a presentation came around was widely accepted by everyone, including the teacher, as a study hall. Roxy had fallen asleep three minutes into the speech and was currently snoozing away in the seat next to him.

He checked the clock. There were still twenty minutes left. Might as well do some-

Some clattering across the room made him glance over. Porrim had stood up. She was the same age as Kankri and in the Space House. She was also scheduled to give her presentation today.

“Kanny!” Her sharp and loud tone was perfectly tailored to cut through his nearly impregnable speech.

“9h, yes P9rrim? Did y9u have a questi9n?”

“No+, there are twenty minutes left o+f class and I think I have to+ remind yo+u I also+ have a presentation+n to give.”

“9h.” He crossed his arms, “P9rrim y9u kn9w I understand y9ur exu6erance t9 present 6ut I wish y9u w9uld understand that my su6ject has an am9unt 9f imp9rtance 9ver y9urs.” Her eye twitched.

“What?”

_“oh boy”_ Eridan shook his friend awake, “rox wwake up”

“huh?” She raised her head sleepily. “wha…? time 2 go?”

“My presentation+n is abo+ut gender inequality in the wo+rkfo+rce!” He raised his hand in a futile attempt to calm her.

“I’m sure it’s a w9nderful presentati9n, 6ut there are several p9ints I need t9 c9ver 6ef9re we can m9ve 9n t9 m9re the9retical t9pics.”

“lol” She rested her chin on her hands to watch.

“It’s no+t theo+retical you idio+t!”

“P9rrim please-”

“there goes the rest a the block”

“Why do+ yo+u always do+ this?!”

“I understand y9ur feelings 9n the matter 6ut the fact remains-”

“Uh…” The teacher hesitantly tried to interrupt. “Porrim, we can have your presentation tomorrow.”

“Actually I was h9ping s9me 9f t9mm9r9w c9uld 6e used f9r the c9nclusi9n 9f my-”

“No+!”

“think the teacherll let us leavve”

“naw” She yawned, “btw wat was up wi u and nepeta? I haven’t seen her around.” The tip of his pencil broke against the desk.

“oh god” He hunched over, running his hands through his hair. “i messed up rox” She sat up.

“huh?”

“i think she wwent off ta join the cultists”

“omg rly?”

“yeah” He sighed, “wwhyd i havve to fuckin tell her bout them wwhat if she doesnt come back”

“huh” She took out her phone to message her. “im sure its totes fine…”

“shoulda just told here id been stalkin her”

“lol eri no” He sighed, resting his head on his desk.

“wwhy wwould she head back there anywways”

“i dunno ya think theyre actually pretty cool?”

“no” He answered automatically, and a little loudly. “theyre just wweirdos” Porrim whirled on him.

“Who+’s a weirdo+, Ampo+ra?”

“Eridan, that term can 6e quite triggering t9 many pe9ple.” His mouth clamped shut.

“fuck” He heard snickering to his right and glared at Roxy out of the corner of his eye. If he got one of Kankri’s lectures because of this she was sitting with him.

 

000

 

Roxy hummed to herself in the library, looking for the desired book. She spotted the title about a foot above her head and reached for it. As she started to pull it out a hand covered hers, pushing it back in.

“hey.” Cronus leaned against the bookshelf, flashing her a grin. “wvhats up babe?” She pulled her hand back, smirking at him.

“yo cronus no smokin in the library k?” He chuckled lightly, taking the cigarette from his mouth.

“aw cmon, you know i nevwer light them.” She rolled her eyes.

“i kinda wanted that book btw”

“no problem.” He drew it out and handed it to her. “you knowv im alwvays happy to help a damsel in distress.”

“damsel this” There was a loud clang and Cronus yelped, clutching the back of his head. He turned around to glare at Eridan, who glared back with almost double the vehemence. “wwhat did i tell you about botherin rox”

“jesus man, aint i allowved to talk to her?” He rubbed his head and gestured to the object in his hand, grimacing. “and wvhy the fuck wvould you hit me wvith a bucket?!”

“cause buckets are wwhere you put the trash” He winced.

“harsh man.”

“its your fault i have this dumb thing in my strife deck you think i wwouldnt rather gun you dowwn”

“wvell as usual youvwed managed to completely ruin the mood.” He shrugged and started to walk off, but not before he shot Roxy a wink. “hey kitten call me wvhen you feel like hanging wvith the real thing not some little brother.”

“i **aint** your little brother” He yelled angrily after him, earning a few reminders from angry students that he was in a library.“man fuck that guy so much are you okay rox” Roxy smacked him on the back.

“lol eri u know i coulda beat the crap outta him myself rite?” They started to head out of the library.

“yeah so wwhat noww you dont havve to touch him”

“wow you really hate him dont you?”

“hey im completely okay wwith him wwhen hes somewwhere else like up on the roof practicin his dumb songs” He raised his finger, “especially if kan is up there with him thatd be fuckin wonderful” He grumbled, rubbing his head. “god dammit its bad enough wwe havve the same last name wwhy the fuck does he havve to call me his little brother”

“wat if you guys were actshhuly related?”

“id kill myself”

“his accents kinda like urs”

“is not”

“at least hes not hittin on u”

“he **still** hits on me its fuckin wweird”

“wow. hey i got the new pikmin game u shuld totes come ober and play” He rubbed his head.

“i got that essay to write for english class”

“u know you wanna” She punched his arm, “u love commanding ur little “army” and ‘reapin the spoils a wwar’.” He rolled his eyes at her imitation, “plus youve gotten tons bettur than the furst time u played.” His eyes narrowed.

“hey wwhats that supposed ta mean”

“uh literally tha furst thin u did was run ur entire force through a lake”

“so wwhat i wwas wweedin out the wweak ones”

“and by “weak ones” u mean the ones dat werent blue.”

“okay so i didnt exactly understand the game mechanics”

“haha…” She leaned against him, “cmon eri play with me” He sighed, catching a whiff of alcohol on her, as usual.

“rox wwhere the hell do you get all that booze”

“im purty sure i told u once” She wobbled off his support, “mah mom sends it to me”

“wwhy the hell does your mom send you that shit”

“uh i dunno some kinda challenge?” She took her phone out, “we dont talk much but i guess its her way of bondin and shit”

“its a terrible wway to bond wwhat kind a parent sends their kid boxes a alcohol” She skipped off ahead of him.

“c’mon eri i thought you were finnussh” He stomped after her.

“not all finns are drunkards thank you”

“whatevs come ON weve got little plant people to command!”

 

000

Four months ago

 

Eridan stared at his phone as he walked down the hall. Roxy had texted him telling him to stop by the west common hall in the main building after class. She claimed he had someone she wanted him to meet, but given if they were gonna be like Jake and Dirk he wasn’t so excited.

“eri!” He looked up. Roxy was heading toward him, towing another girl with her. “hey!” She stopped in front of him. “this is feferi peixes shes new here so I was asked to show her around ‘n stuff.” She gestured to the girl, who gave him a wide smile, then back to Eridan. “feferi this is eri” She had a tan complexion and long thick dark brown hair that tumbled down to her waist. She threw out her hand, causing the bracelets on her to jingle.

“Nice to meet you! I’m Feferi!” He didn’t reach for it. Instead he continued to stare at her, holding his phone limply near his chest. Roxy took a quick look at him, then jumped in.

“eri!” He snapped out of it and looked at her.

“huh” She jerked her chin at the hand. He followed her gesture. “oh” He took it, “sorry uh nice to meet you im eridan ampora” Roxy clasped her hands behind her and leaned toward Feferi.

“sorry,” She murmured, “uh, eri had to stay up all night, he’s a little out of it today.”

“O)(!” She nodded with understanding, “Sleep is important. Take care of yourshell, okay?”

“yourshell- oh right thanks” He dug his hands into his pockets, “uh wwhat house are you gonna be in”

“Um, I t)(ink it was the Life )(ouse.”

“liek janey!” Roxy cut in, “Hey feferi, eri’s in the ecology club i was tellin u bout.”

“Reely?” She leaned in with excitement, making him jerk up perfectly straight. “that’s so cool!”

“oh uh wwell thanks” He rubbed his head, staring at the ground, “i mostly wwork wwith the ocean i hate howw humans just think they can dump all their shit in there”

“I sea!” She grinned, “w)(ale I )(ope I can sea you t)(ere!”

“r-right that wwould” He swallowed, “that wwould be pretty awwesome”

He jerked as the girl suddenly grabbed his hands, leaning close.

“-Eridan! Let’s be the B-EST of fronds, okay?” He blinked slowly.

“uh” She let go and turned to face Roxy.

“Is t)(ere anyfin else you wanted to s)(ow me?”

“nope”

“Okay then! I’m going to c)(eck to sea if my stuff made it to my room. I’ll sea you guys around!” She skipped off toward the exit. Eridan stared after her. Roxy waved her hand in his face.

“Yooooo earth to eri!” He turned to face her, looking sick.

“oh my god rox she just friendzoned me”

“technically it was a “frond” zone.”

“roooox” He turned around, smacking his head against the wall. “oh my god she makes fish puns thats so cute shes so beautiful and i just messed up so much”

“lol” She crossed her arms, “i wish you could have seen how you looked.”

“oh my god she must think im a creep”

“nah…” She patted him on the back, “I bet she gets that all the time. Don’t worry shes totes nice.” She winked, “ya think she could be your mermaid princess?” He blushed and hunched his shoulders.

“i-i dunno did she mention a boyfriend”

“way ahead of ya. i asked her. it was kind of weird, she took awhile to answer, but it was no, so maybe she just broke up or something.”

“oh my god” He repeated the expletive for the fourth time, clasping his hands together to fiddle with his rings. “shes like its like shes an angel or somethin a real angel”

“Okay eri calm down” She jabbed his arm, “you just met her, rite? im all for love at first sight and shit but wow”

“did wwe just meet for the first time” He frowned, seeming befuddled over something. “wwe must havve but its true this is wway too much for a first meetin”

“She just moved her from some pacific islands tho have you ever been to one of those?”

“dont think so” He shrugged, “wwhatever thanks for covvering me like that i mustve looked like an idiot”

“only a little eri, only a little.”

 

000

Present

 

“Eridan?”

“huh” He looked up at the student standing in front of him. “wwhat”

“Club is over.” He looked around and suddenly realized the room was empty.

“oh” He ducked his head, “sorry i wwas uh” She nodded, guessing why.

“Do you know where Feferi is? I want to give her these notes.”

“uh maybe she wwas sick today she wwasnt in math either” He stood up, “you wwant me to givve them to her”

“No, it’s fine.” She started to head for the door, “See you next week.”

“right” He followed her out, repeating to himself that Feferi was indeed probably just taking the day off due to a cold.

Still, he couldn’t help thinking about how she hadn’t been the class the day before either, and how Nepeta hadn’t been seen since he took her to the others.

Jake ran into him at the entrance to the Hope dorm.

“Oh! Hello mr eridan!”He flipped him off with a glare, the usual greeting when Roxy wasn’t around. The boy just laughed. “Energetic as always!”

“fuck you” He walked past him up the stairs to his room. He unlocked the door and thumped down into his seat. He opened his pesterchum, examining the list of names. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It would be a friendly message, club member to club member.

 

caesarAugustus began pestering cuttlefishCuddler.

 

CA: hey fef this is eridan

CA: you werent in club today or math so i was wondering if you were alright

CA: sorry to bother you if you aint feelin well or something

CA: i can give you the math homework if you want

CA: and jess wanted ta give ya some club stuff

CC: 380

CC: ---ERIDAN!

 

He stiffened at her excited greeting, then forced himself to stay calm.

 

CA: uh yeah its me

CA: wait did i tell ya i changed my handle sorry i thought i told everyone

CA: anyways are you okay

CC: O)(

CC: I’m COMPL—ET—ELY FIN—E.

CC: Glub glub glub 38D

CA: uh

CA: okay great

CA: oh i get it the parentheses are like hs

CA: and uh

CA: are you sounding out the es

CC: 38/

CC: -Eridan!

CC: )(ow could you s)(ell not remember?!

CA: remember

CA: oh

CA: oh god

CA: fef where are you

CA: please tell me youre in your dorm or at least at school

CC: U)(…

CC: NOP--E!!

CC: I guess it’s okay you s)(ell don’t remember.

CC: When Nepeta contacted me I was pretty skippertable too!

CA: fuck please let this not be goin where i think it is

CC: But t)(en I found Sollux and Kanaya and everybubble else! 38D

CA: you joined them

CA: oh my god this is all my fault

CC: It’s okay –Eridan!

CC: You s)(ould R---EELLY come join us!

CC: T)(at place isn’t good for you!

CA: fef i

CA: i cant believe you would do this

CA: no wait im sorry

CA: if you went to join them i guess it means they arent as bad as i thought

CA: and i really respect you but i cant

CA: im sorry

CA: i hope youre havin fun

CC: 38(

CC: W)(at are you talking about!?

CA: i

CA: okay im sorry

CA: i really cant talk anymore

 

caesarAugustus ceased pestering cuttlefishCuddler.

 

Eridan closed the chat, then slammed his face directly onto the keyboard, ignoring the protesting beep from his computer.

_“stupid stupid stupid”_ He smacked himself repeatedly with his fist, using the pain to distract him from actually crying. _“so fuckin stupid”_

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling tipsyGnostalgic.

 

CG: ATTENTION HUMAN FEMALE.

CG: I AM NOW POLITELY REQUESTING YOU GRACE ME WITH YOUR PINK LETTERING IN A CONVERSATION.

TG: lol wut?

TG: who is dis

CG: MY NAME IS KARKAT, OKAY? I GOT YOUR CHAT HANDLE FROM FEFERI. AND NOW I’M GETTING EXPLICIT PERMISSION TO TALK WITH YOU BECAUSE *SOMEONE* THREATENED TO MURDER ME IF I HAD CONTACT WITH YOU.

CG: SO I’M HOPING IF I ASK IT WILL OVERRULE THAT.

TG: omg

TG: lemme guess

TG: ur the one wi the gray canecr symbol

TG: *cancer

TG: the nubby-horned one

TG: the one i nearly shot

CG: GOOD JOB. CAN I TALK TO YOU?

TG: lol k

TG: purmishun…

TG: is granted!

TG: *permission lol

CG: OKAY SO, I HAD A FEW QUESTIONS TO ASK YOU.

CG: MY FIRST AND FOREMOST ONE IS WHY THE FUCK YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH ERIDAN, AND WHY THE FUCK HE IS BEING SUCH A DICK TO US.

TG: aw eri aint so bad

CG: OKAY HANG ON. NO OFFENSE, BUT I HAVE KNOWN ERIDAN FOR AT LEAST TWO SWEEPS LONGER THAN YOU HAVE.

CG: HE’S PRETTY FUCKING TERRIBLE. I COULD FILL UP THE ENTIRE CHAT WITH THE DETAILS.

CG: MAYBE AS A HUMAN IT’S LESS SO BUT I REALLY DOUBT IT.

CG: HEY WAIT, DIDN’T HE GET IN A BAR FIGHT OR SOMETHING?

CG: SOME HUMAN TOLD ME THAT. HE TRIED TO BEAT UP SOME GUY FOR GIVING A GIRL A DRINK.

CG: THAT GIRL WAS PROBABLY YOU, RIGHT?

TG: omgggg :(

TG: taht was so embarussing

TG: *that *embarrassing

TG: i thought everyone had forgotten bout that

TG: fuuuuuck

TG: never goin in a bar again

TG: in my defense he totes seemed like a good guy

TG: and i was already pretty damn drunk

CG: OKAY, I’M NOT SURE WHAT KIND OF SKEWED FIRST IMPRESSION YOU GOT OF HIM, BUT SINCE YOU KNOW BETTER WHY ARE YOU STILL HANGING OUT WITH HIM?

TG: huh?

TG: oh no

TG: no no no

TG: not eri

TG: the dude

CG: WHO? THE ONE WHO POURED YOU THE DRINK?

CG: WHAT ABOUT HIM?

TG: ummmm its embarrassing

TG: he tried to slip me one, kay?

CG: SLIP YOU WHAT?

TG: omg

TG: he tried to roofie me.

CG: TO WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

TG: ughhh too drunk to spell the real thing

TG: its that stuff the stuff you put in drink when you wanna like

TG: u know

CG: NO. I REALLY DON’T.

TG: wow okay

TG: so this guy offered me a drink that had this stuff in it that makes you really sleepy and shit

TG: so he could uh kidnap me and…no mo details

TG: so eri saw it and got totes mad and tried to beat him up

TG: cept the really embarrassing part is eri cant do shit without a gun

TG: so i ended up flipping the guy over the bar to save him from gettin his face smashed in  


TG: it was pretty patheitc

TG: *pathetic

TG: but also still pretty sweet

CG: YEAH, I LOST YOU.

CG: WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE?

TG: ugh just 4get it

TG: eri and i got tons in common so we hang out

TG: talk bout wizards and science and stuff

TG: i know hes got a few problems wi violence but hes pretty good now

TG: i even taught him some sweet fightin moves after the insudent

TG: *incident

CG: WAIT. PLEASE TELL ME I HEARD THAT WRONG.

CG: DID YOU ACTUALLY PRACTICE SUCH TERRIBLE JUDGEMENT THAT YOU TAUGHT HIM FISTKIND?!

CG: DO YOU HAVE ANY INKLING AS TO WHAT YOU’VE DONE?

CG: I MEAN FUCK. WHENEVER HE WAS BEING UNUSUALLY BAD WE COULD JUST CONFISCATE HIS GUN. HE MIGHT WHINE BUT AT LEAST HE COULDN’T KILL THINGS.

CG: NOW YOU MEAN TO TELL ME HE’S ABLE TO MURDER WITH HIS BARE HANDS??

TG: lol calm the fuck down mofo

TG: all i taught him were some basic throws

TG: plus they need ta hit him first anyways

CG: YEAH, THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

CG: HOW HARD DO YOU THINK IT IS TO GET SOMEONE TO WANT TO HIT THAT GUY?

TG: well 2 bad 4 u

CG: UGH. WHATEVER. IF YOU ARE HIS FRIEND, MAYBE YOU CAN HELP. THAT PLACE IS NOT GOOD FOR HIM.

TG: aw cmon

TG: ive been in this system since kindergarten

CG: I DON’T CARE. WE FOUND THIS SITE OF ABSOLUTE WRECKAGE WHERE THEY KIDNAPPED HIM, INCLUDING THE ARM OF SOME ROBOT THAT HAD WAY TOO MUCH POWER TO EVER BE NEEDED IN A SCHOOL. HOW IS THAT NOT SUSPICIOUS?

CG: AND HE ISN’T FROM FINNIA OR WHATEVER IT WAS. HE’S NOT HUMAN, HE’S A TROLL.

TG: i thought he was a fish alien or somethin

CG: HE IS. WE’RE ALIENS. OUR PLANET WAS DESTROYED AND THROUGH SOME FAST TECHNOLOGY AND A FEW MIRACLES WE ENDED UP TRANSPORTED HERE. THERE ARE 12 OF US, THE LAST OF OUR FUCKING KIND.

CG: THOUGH KANAYA HAS THE MATRIORB SO MAYBE THERE’S HOPE YET.

CG: ANYWAYS ERIDAN WAS WITH US UNTIL LITERALLY 6 MONTHS AGO, THE BEGINNING OF YOUR “SCHOOL YEAR” OR WHATEVER.

TG: rly

TG: so the school totally brainwashed him

CG: YES.

CG: YOU CAN ASK FEFERI AND NEPETA ABOUT IT.

CG: SOME WEIRD SHIT IS GOING ON IN THAT PLACE.

CG: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BE WORRIED FOR YOURSELF TOO.

TG: lol k

TG: this is actually purrty excitin liek a real conspricay

TG: *pretty *conspiracy

CG: UH GREAT.

CG: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN CONVINCE ERIDAN TO BE A LITTLE MORE OPEN-MINDED ABOUT THIS?

TG: probs not

TG: im pretty sure he hates u guys

TG: pls i aint sure bout u guys either

TG: ill think bout it, k?

CG: WHY THE FUCK ARE HUMANS SO DENSE?

CG: ALRIGHT IT’S A START, UNLIKE DEALING WITH HIM DIRECTLY.

CG: THANKS FOR NOT CALLING THE POLICE AND DECLARING US FREAKS.

 

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling tipsyGnostalgic.

 

Karkat leaned away from his laptop and sighed heavily.

“Was Your Endeavor Fruitful”

“MAYBE. GUESS WE’LL FIND OUT. GOD, HOW I ABSOLUTELY *LOVE* SURPRISES.”

“What Age Would You Consider Myself To Be In Human Years”

“WHAT??” He glanced over at the troll beside him. Kanaya was writing something down on a sheet of paper. “KANAYA, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?”

“The Registration Form I Was Previously Given”

“WHOA, WAIT, WHAT?!” He bolted upright, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! ARE YOU GOING TO ENTER!?”

“Yes Provided I Can Fabricate Credible Answers For This Questionnaire”

He examined her for any signs of hypnosis or insanity. She returned the look with her usual calm demeanor.

“It Would Seem That Our Main Obstacle Is Not Being Able To Enter The School And Since One Can Only Enter The School As A Student It Seems Like A Correct Choice Of Action”

“BUT WHAT IF YOU LOSE IT?”

“From Feferi And Nepetas Accounts They Were Taken By Force I Will Enter On My Own Free Will And Maintain My Memories”

“BUT WE DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW THEY LOST THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE!” She tapped the pencil against her chin, contemplating one of the questions.

“I Will Admit It Is A Risk But I Do Not See Why You Could Not Bring Me Back To My Senses Should I Stray”

“KANAYA I REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS.”

“There Is A Chance I May Not Even Be Accepted” She wrote something down, “I Am Writing Down A Fake Email Address For My Legal Guardian Could You Ask Sollux To Make One”

“UGH. FINE. BUT IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE FORGETTING US I WANT YOU OUT OF THERE.” Vriska sauntered into the room.

“Hey losers, I’m 8ack!” Karkat looked up to glare at her.

“WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU-OKAY *WHAT* THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?” She scoffed, showing off the bright orange and yellow blazer.

“It’s one of those school uniforms, duh.” Karkat had to resist the urge to tear his nubs straight off in frustration.

“WELL WHY ARE YOU WEARING IT?”

“Oh,” She waved her hand airily. “Just part of my plan to infiltrate the school. Those campus police won’t look twice at us if we’re wearing one of these.”

“DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE GOING TO ENROLL TOO.” She crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

“Of course not. I just 8orrowed it from one of the students. We talked, she’s pretty cool. I explained a few things to her and she lent me this!”

“YOU TOLD A HUMAN ABOUT US!?” She shrugged.

“Only a little. She was really interested so why not?”

“I CAN GIVE YOU A MILLION REASONS WHY NOT!”                                                                                         

“Calm down, sheesh. This girl is cool.”

“OH MY GOD…” He threw himself back on the sofa, “WHY DO NONE OF MY TEAMMATES HAVE ANY SENSE OF RISKY BEHAVIOR?”

“What Do You Suppose It Means By Dietary Restrictions”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The interaction between Feferi and Eridan would probably have been pretty cute you hadn't really known anything about either of them.  
> And yes, I had Eridan refer to Feferi as an angel.  
> Yes, that was intentional.  
> Yes, I'm evil.
> 
> Pikmin is a video game where you lead around a bunch of little creatures with leaves/flowers on their heads and have them swarm enemies. They come in different colors and depending on the color they have abilities. Blue pikmin are the only ones who can go underwater. The rest drown. To anyone who has played pikmin, you are free to picture Eridan's face accompanied by the sound of 100 pikmin dying and Roxy's hysterical laughter in the background.
> 
> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 2


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kanaya enters the school and Eridan fucks shit up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha THIS chapter...  
> Yes, Rosemary will be one of the side pairings, but it won't take up a huge part of the story. Versus EridanRoxy, which I will rub in your face until you asphyxiate. But as you asphyxiate you will be going "daw" so you'll die smiling if that's any comfort.
> 
> WARNING: SEXUAL OBJECTS AKA BUCKETS.

 

“oooo!” Roxy smushed her face against the glass window, peering at the merchandise within. “issho purty!” Eridan peered over her shoulder, eyes sweeping over the jewelry perched on little stands.

“wwhich one”

“dat!” She pointed to some tiny stud earrings. “do u think theyre real?”

“real wwhat”

“pink diamonds!”

“nah not at that price nor in a common shop like this”

“aw” She stood up straight and sighed, sinking her teeth down into her lower lip. “ive always wanted some but theyre so fuckin expensive!”He smacked her on the shoulder.

“theyre ovverrated im sure” They left the store behind to continue their walk.

“wat’re ur rings anyways?”

“amethyst”

“ur birth stone?”

“yeah”

“kewl” She yawned, “omg i gotta stupid book report due tuesday fuck”

“oh yeah” His head jerked up and his eyes sharpened. “that reminds me so i wwas readin hans christian andersen last night”

“hans-uh oh” He threw his hands up, wearing a look of irritated disbelief.

“wwhat the fuck **that** wwas the actual vversion of the little mermaid”

“um yeah sry”

“that ending **sucked** ” He smacked his glasses back into place, glaring at the path ahead of him. “thats all there is the prince fell in lovve wwith some other bitch and she turned inta sea foam cause she couldnt bear ta stab him for it”

“but um, didnt she become an air spirit or somethin?”

“oh please” He rolled his eyes, “that fuckin ending wwas just some add on at the last minute”

“hey did you hear hansy might have been bi and written that cause he got rejected by shum other dude”

“so wwhat just another case a” He led off as he spotted a group approaching them.

Karkat stopped suddenly, causing the three trolls behind to nearly rear-end him. He glared at Eridan from under his hoodie. It was evening, so he’d decided to opt out on the bracelet.

“WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS.”

“ivve got mace” Roxy giggled.

“S1NC3 WH3N DO YOU US3 4 M4C3?”

“hey nepeta! is that u?” The girl grinned up at her from under her blue hat.

“:33< *ac gr33ts tg enthusiastically!*”

“daw u 2 gurl” Eridan examined her, frowning.

“youre wwearing that face paint noww too huh” She stuck her tongue out at him.

“:33< *ac’s horns and skin turned back! it isn’t purrtend!*”

“right” He tried to ignore the glare he was receiving from Equius. “if the girl wwith the glasses licks me again im gonna-”

“FORG3T 1T 1D1OT. YOU T4ST3 T3RR1BL3.”

“hey so wheres feferi?” Karkat shrugged.

“SHE’S HANGING OUT WITH SOLLUX. THOSE TWO HAVE BEEN DISGUSTINGLY INSEPARABLE SINCE SHE GOT BACK. OBVIOUSLY.” He frowned at the stunned look Roxy gave him. “WHAT?”

“uh-”

“wwhos sollux” Eridan cut in loudly. The troll groaned.

“OH JESUS FUCK. SOMEONE ELSE TELL HIM.”

“no” He stepped back, shaking his head violently. “fuck this i dont wwanna talk to you guys”

“WH4T? 4R3 YOU RUNN1NG 4W4Y?”

“no im goin back to school ya think id knoww better than ta leavve by now rox lets take the other wway back”

“k one sec” He gave her a surprised look at the answer, then shot the group another glare before heading off. He only went back a few yards before stopping to watch them though.

“GOD. HE’S SO FUCKING CLINGY.”

“well u did already steal his crush” Karkat smacked his palm against his face.

“OH MY GOD. HE FORGOT SO HE ACTUALLY THOUGHT HE HAD A CHANCE WITH HER AFTER ALL THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED. THAT’S JUST SAD.” She pouted at him.

“hey why not?”

“YOU DON’T KNOW THE AWKWARD HISTORY THOSE TWO HAVE. JUST FORGET IT.” She shrugged.

“alright fine mr grumpy nubs.” She winked and waved, “tell feferi i said hey, k?”

“:33< okay!” She sauntered off to join the other student. Karkat sighed.

“HE’S NOT GOING TO TAKE THAT WELL WHEN HE REMEMBERS.”

“hey! i think that’s him again! over there!” Karkat turned around, recognizing the voice. John was running across the street toward him, waving. A girl with similar features and glasses was following him.

“JOHN?” He grinned.

“you remember me! i realized i didnt get your name before so i had to keep referring to you as the kid with candy corn on his head.”

“MY NAME IS KARKAT. I’M TELLING YOU THAT SOLELY SO I’LL NEVER BE CALLED THAT AGAIN.”

“nice to meet you karkat! or uh, again. this is jade.” The girl beside him waved and grinned.

“hi! nice to meet you!” Karkat squinted at her.

“YOU WERE IN THAT PICTURE OF THE SHARPSHOOTING CLUB.” She gave him a startled look.

“uh yeah! im the co-president”

“yeah jades pretty awesome with a rifle. hey,” John pointed to a store across the street. “are you guys here to have dinner? we were just gonna grab a bite over there. im really curious about those costumes if you feel like sharing.”

“UH…” He glanced at the others.

“:33< *ac has been there! it’s good!”

“1 W4NN4 TRY TH3 FOOD!”

“FINE. OKAY.” Karkat checked to see if he had some of the dumb human money on him. “JOHN, MAYBE YOU CAN HELP US WITH YOUR SCHOOL.”

Twenty minutes later found Karkat explaining a brief and basic idea of their existence to the humans. To their credit, they were remarkably receptive to what he was sure sounded like complete bullshit.

“wow, you guys are actually aliens?” John stirred the ice in his drink as he stared at them. “is that why you look like that? can i touch your horns?”

“YES. YES. FUCK NO.”

“YOU C4N TOUCH M1N3 1F YOU W4NT.” Terezi took off her hood and leaned her head forward, ignoring the stares she got from the other patrons.

“cool…” He rubbed it curiously, “they’re real!”

“WELL THIS GOT WEIRD FAST.” Karkat muttered, leaning back in his chair.

“so eridan is one of you guys too? really?”

“YEAH, DESPITE HIS UTTER REFUSAL TO BELIEVE JACK SHIT.” He laughed at the comment.

“yeah he can be like that in magic club too! hes always going on about how magic is fake and stuff but hes so interested in it i think he secretly wants to believe it.”

“WELL RIGHT NOW ALL WE’RE TRYING TO GET HIM TO BELIEVE IS THAT HE’S A TROLL, WHICH YOU WOULD THINK WOULD COME PRETTY EASILY GIVEN THE EVIDENCE BUT APPARENTLY NOT.”

“wow! this is just like ET or something!” John gave him a thumbs up, “sure! i’d love to help you save one of your alien friends!” He frowned uncertainly, “but is our school really evil? that’s kind of hard to believe. though i’ve only been here for like two years.”

“:33< yes!” Nepeta fiddled with her hat nervously, “:33< *ac can’t remempurr exactly what happened but it was scary!*” Equius raised his hand to give her a comforting pat on the shoulder, thought better of it, and instead rested his arm on the back of her chair. Jade gave her a concerned look.

“wow, thats pretty scary! what if were like that too? like we just think were only students?”

“you mean we could be aliens too!?” Karkat gave him a skeptical look.

“I SINCERELY DOUBT IT. BUT I SUPPOSE IT’S A POSSIBILITY.”

“whoa…” He stared at his hands, as if waiting for them to turn gray. “haha, how would i explain to my dad i was actually an alien?”

“YOU WOULDN’T HAVE ONE.” He answered bluntly, “WE HAVE LUSII, NOT YOUR WEIRD HUMAN PARENTS.”

“oh.” His shoulders drooped in disappointment, “i have a dad though, hes always texting me about how school went and stuff.”

“YEAH WELL, THERE’S YOUR ANSWER. IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF YOUR ENTIRE SCHOOL WAS FULL OF ALIENS.”

“yeah i guess. but it’d also be pretty cool!”

“IF BY COOL YOU MEAN-HUH?” He grimaced as his phone buzzed in his sylladex. He growled and took it out “KANAYA? WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE-HOLY FUCK!” His eyes bugged out and his jaw dropped.

“what? is something wrong?” He groaned, leaning back and pressing the screen against his forehead.

“SHE WAS ACCEPTED.”

 

000

 

“You’ll feel right at home here, I’m sure.” Kanaya nodded to the lady addressing her, hands tucked behind her back. Her hands gingerly avoided the bracelet on her wrist, lest she accidently hit the button and ruin her disguise. The woman handed her a large envelope.

“This has your room key, number, your schedule, a map, and some other details that you may find useful. You’re in the Space House, over there.” She pointed to a building in the distance. A large black and white banner hung from the front. She nodded again and accepted the envelope. She avoided sealing it away in her chastity modus, because she felt it was something she would need soon. She did however take a peek at the items already stored away. Specifically, the orb that had remained sealed in her sylladex for quite some time now. The key had still not revealed itself, but she was patient and could accept that.

“I Understand Thank You” They stopped in front of the large building in the center. It had looked impressive from the outside, but up close it was huge. Not only was the base incredibly wide, but it rose up at least ten stories.

“This is the main building. Most of your classes will be in here. It may seem a little confusing at first but you’ll get used to it.”

“I See”

“We’ve asked one of the students to give you a brief tour. Oh, here she comes now.” She motioned to a girl about her age coming up the path. She was dressed in the orange and yellow form of the uniform. A lavender headband drew back her short blond hair. She nodded to the two.

“Hello, I was asked to give a tour?”

“Rose, this is Kanaya Maryam, she just transferred her. Kanaya, this is Rose Lalonde, from the Light House.”

“Pleased to meet you.”

“You As Well”

“Rose has been with this school for several years. She can answer any questions you have.” The woman nodded to them, then headed inside. The two girls stared at each other for a few seconds.

“Well, I suppose I have you to thank for getting out of math class.” She blinked.

“You Are Welcome” She paused, “Unless That Was Sarcasm” She smirked in response.

“It wasn’t. Shall we begin with the main building?” They walked inside. Rose started explaining the classes that were held here and the time blocks.

“…and math and science are on the fourth floor. Students aren’t permitted any higher than that without permission.” Kanaya tried to pay attention as she looked around the various rooms. She frowned, spotting something in the corner of the room on the ceiling.

“What Is That” She followed her gaze.

“Oh, it’s just a security camera. This school has a lot of safety measures.”

“Really”

“Yes. I’ve heard some things have happened in the past.”

“I See” She shot the camera another suspicious look before the continued down the hall.

A student came out of one of the rooms in front of them, a stack of papers tucked against his chest. Kanaya stopped in surprise.

“Oh Eridan” It was meant to be a private musing, but her companion heard it.

“Oh, do you know him?” She shifted awkwardly.

“Not Really Just”

“Eridan!” She stiffened as he turned their way, then came over.

“uh wwhats up” She gestured to Kanaya, who forced what she hoped was a polite smile.

“This is Kanaya, she’s new here and seemed to recognize you. Have you met?” He frowned and examined her up and down.

“Oh It Was Really A Very Long Time Ago” She started quickly. He blinked, something clicking behind his eyes.

“oh”

“Do you remember?”

“yeah” His eyes narrowed. “looks like you lost the face paint keep your chainsaww awway from me” He brushed past them. Kanaya stared at the ground. At least he did not call her out as homicidal.

“Oh.” The girl watched him go, “Sorry about that. He’s not exactly the friendliest of people.”

“I Am Aware” She adjusted her hair, “May We Continue”

“Of course.” She resumed walking, “…Do you have a chainsaw?”

“Yes I Mostly Cut Wood Though” She avoided ending the sentence with “These Days”.

“Really?” She smiled, “How industrious of you.” She blinked, then returned the smile.

“Thank You”

They headed outside and Rose led them to the Space House.

“You’ll be living in this one.” She gestured to the banner. Kanaya examined the swirling white on black with interest. “My friend does too. Her name is Jade.”

“What Do The Dorms Represent”

“Nothing much, really.” She shrugged, “Supposedly they all have their own values and symbols but really the only time it comes up is in competitions.” She offered her the coy smile again, “At one point perhaps we will face off each other in one of those.” She returned the look levelly.

“Perhaps We Will”

She took her around several other buildings, the administration, the main office, the playing field, and so on. They stopped outside the art building.

“That’s just about everything.” She checked her watch. “Just in time for art class. Fancy that.”

“Art Class That Sounds Interesting” Kanaya shuffled through the folder she’d been given, drawing out her schedule. “I Have One As Well” She peeked over her shoulder.

“You do indeed, with me, at this time exactly.” She looked up in surprise, then checked her phone.

“Oh”

“Would you like to come in? No one would blame you if you didn’t attend the first day.”

“That Is Quite Alright” She tucked the paper away, “I Am Actually Rather Curious About This Class” She followed her into the building.

“Did you not have any art classes at your old school?” She led her to the correct door.

“No” She answered, taking a risk. “It Was Very Different”

Another student scrambled back as the door opened, hiding something behind his back. He had dark hair and glasses, and was wearing a light blue uniform with a darker blue tie. When he saw them his face broke into a grin.

“oh rose! there you are! haha, who’s your friend?”

“This is Kanaya Maryam. She’s new here. What’s behind your back?” He laughed again, rather nervously.

“come on rose! if you dont see itll make the surprise better! plus you can tell the teacher you didnt see.”

“I see.” She gently prodded Kanaya to move past him. They sat down at one of the long tables. The disguised trolled looked around at the other students with curiosity.

“So, where are you from?” She stiffened and turned back to her, trying to think of an acceptable response.

“It Is Not Some Place You Will Have Heard Of”

“Oh?” She raised her eyebrow at her, “Are you sure? That’s a rather bold assumption of my intelligence.”

“I Did Not Mean To Offend I” She glanced around, trying to think of an excuse. “I Am Not Sure How To Say It In English”

“Ah.” She cocked her head to the side, examining her. “If you will permit me to guess, Pakistan? Solely judging from your features.”

“That Is Correct” She answered, relieved to have been provided with an area. She would have to look that place up later. “Er My Features”

“Just your skin tone and hair.” She motioned to her face, then smiled. “They’re very nice features by the way. You’re quite pretty, if you don’t mind me saying.”

“Oh” She was surprised by the sudden compliment, and rather flattered. Her first instinct was to check her face in the reflection of her phone. What she saw made her pause. An unfamiliar human stared back at her. A girl with dark skin and chocolate eyes and perhaps pleasing features, but they were the result of a hologram. The compliment was suddenly meaningless.

“Kanaya?” Rose leaned forward, concerned. “I’m sorry, did I make you uncomfortable?”

“No” She put her phone away quickly and smiled. “You Have Very Nice Features As Well Rose” Her mouth twitched.

“Why thank you. I may even take that as a compliment instead of a polite return of one.”

That sat in silence for awhile. Rose busied herself with organizing her materials for the class and Kanaya looked through the information in the folder.

“Hm?” Kanaya looked up.

“Is Something The Matter”

“Oh not really…” A key popped out of her sylladex. “I just can’t remember where this key came from. I don’t remember putting it there.”

“That” The troll stared at the object in her hand, “May I See That” The girl gave her a puzzled look, but handed it over. She lightly ran her fingers over the metal and turned it this way and that, examining it in the light.

“Is it yours?”

“I Believe It Might Be” She summoned her chastity modus cards and fit the key into the lock. It clicked and the chains fell away. The matriorb popped out and thumped onto the table, causing a few to look over.

“Well then.” Rose scrutinized it, “That’s interesting. What is it?”

“The Matriorb” She ran her hands over it, stunned that it would choose now of all times to free itself. “I Cannot Explain Its Significance Properly” She pressed her palms against it. “That The Key Appeared Now” She glanced at the student beside her, “In Your Sylladex What Is The Meaning Of That” The other just shrugged.

“I don’t really understand. Is it-” They were interrupted by a loud bell signaling the start of the class. “Oh, the teacher’s late, and so is-”

The door swung open and someone rushed in, but not fast enough to avoid a bucket tumbling down and smacking right over his head, dumping its contents over his pale yellow uniform.

A stream of laughter erupted from behind a shelf. John poked his head out, grinning.

“whoa sorry eridan i thought you were the teacher” Eridan slowly gripped the bucket and pulled it over his head. His expression was unreadable behind the layer of paint that covered his face and glasses.

“oh sure egbert not like ivve had any other shit happenin ta me lately” The boy slowly crept closer to his victim.

“uh are you mad youre usually more mad than this” He shrugged, trying to look calm despite the utter mess that covered him.

“nah it wwas pretty clevver ya knoww puttin the bucket ovver the doorwway nevver heard a that before”

“uh…”

“seriously i got some real respect for ya knoww i could just **hug ya** ” He lunged forward in an attempt to share his colorful misfortune with the perpetrator. It probably would have been wiser to clean his glasses though, as John danced easily out of his grip.

“aw come on! its not gonna stain! probably…”

“jesus fuck egbert” He growled, taking off his glasses and leaving a comical clean frame of where they were. He looked down at himself in disgust. “youre payin for my laundry wwhat the hell did you just wwaste **all** our green paint”

“nah i watered it down.” He threw the bucket to the ground, where it clanged loudly and bounced toward the other.

“wwhatevver im gonna go change **you** can tell the teacher wwhere i wwent” He turned around and stomped off, shedding his jacket as he went.

“You’d think he’d learn this is the one class you should really arrive early to.” Rose remarked with amusement. “John is a bit of a prankster, but he’s not spiteful about it…Kanaya?” She scrambled up as the girl beside her tumbled backwards out of her chair. She just managed to catch her before she cracked her head on the floor. “Kanaya?!” A couple of students came over to see what the problem was.

“h3y 1s sh3 4lr1ght?”

“I think so she just fainted.” Rose pressed her hand against her forehead. “How strange. Did something scare her?” She shook her head, pulling her up a bit. “Can someone help me take her to the nurse’s office?”

 

000

 

Eridan shoved some leftover bits of clay into the trash can. He hated working with clay. He also hated John’s pranks. Remembering the encounter, he shot the boy another vicious glare. The other was sure to be cleaning up on the other side of the room.

His hand smacked against an object way too big to be a leftover scrap and he winced as something unexpectedly heavy crashed into the bin. He growled in frustration, steadying it so he could look inside. Despite his distaste for the material he didn’t want to waste a perfectly good chunk.

His annoyance faded into confusion as he drew out something spiky and hard.

“hey lat” He called over to the girl wiping down the tables nearby. “wwhat the hell is this” She took off her red glasses to examine it.

“looks l1k3 som3on3’s 4rt proj3ct.”

“so can i pitch it or wwhat”

“don’t throw out som3on3’s proj3ct!” John glanced over at them.

“uh, i think it belonged to the new girl. the one who fainted.”

“wwhat” He stared at it, “wwait so if it aint an art project wwhat is it”

“i dunno. maybe it’s an heirloom or something.”

“uh huh”

“why don’t you g1v3 1t b4ck to h3r?” He glared at her.

“maybe cause ivve got stuff ta do”

“well you were the one who found it, and also the one who nearly threw it out.”

“shut it egbert” He sighed, tossing it into his sylladex. “wwhatevver”

 

000

 

Kanaya blinked, finding herself staring at a plain white ceiling. She bolted upright and looked around. Rose was sitting beside her, holding a book in her lap.

“Oh good, you’re awake.” She put the book away, looking relieved.

“Where Are We”

“The nurse’s office. You fainted in the art room. Are you okay?”

“Oh” She ducked her head, “I Am Fine Something Just Surprised Me” The girl leaned forward with concern. Her statement of her wellbeing seemed to have had the opposite effect.

“Are you sure?” She fixed her hair and looked away.

“Yes Quite Sure Why” She leaned back again.

“Sorry, for a second you seemed a little green, but now you just look red.” She smirked, “Are you embarrassed?”

“Don’t tease her, buster!” Kanaya followed the sound of the voice to find another student. She had short black hair and glasses, and wore the Life House’s uniform colors. She offered a friendly smile. “Hello, I’m Jane, a volunteer from the Life House. You don’t have a fever. Have you been eating enough?”

“Yes I Believe So” She wrote something down on a board.

“Have you been getting enough sleep? You didn’t mention a history of anemia.”

“It Is Quite Alright” She waved her hand, “I Was Just Startled By Something” She gave her a doubtful look.

“Well alright then.” She sighed and put the clipboard away. “Oh hang on, I’ll get you some water.” She headed over to a water barrel, “Usually Feferi does that part but she hasn’t been around. Do you think I should give water first or ask-”

“Rose” Kanaya interrupted the girl suddenly. “Where Is The Matriorb” Rose cocked her head to the side.

“Do you mean that thing you took out of her sylladex?”

“Yes”

“Oh,” She glanced toward the door. “I think we left it in the art room.”

Kanaya stood up. Jane gave her a startled look.

“Whoa hang on. Sit back down, buster. At least stand up slowly.”

“I Need To Go” Rose frowned.

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I Am Completely Sure” She shook her head, “And Even If I Were Not That Object Is Very Important To Me”

“…Alright.” She gently rested her hand on her shoulder and addressed Jane. “Don’t worry. I’ll watch her.” She led her to the door. “I’m still your guide. I’ll show you the way.” She checked her watch. “It’s 4:13, so art ended awhile ago. There should be no one in there.

They arrived at the room. Rose found the light switch and looked around.

“We were sitting over there.”

“The Matriorb Is Not There”

“Hm,” She took her phone out while Kanaya started to check the various shelves and under the tables. “Hang on, I’ll ask John if he knows what happened to it.” The other nodded distractedly, trying to still the panic worming its way through her stomach. Was this a trap? How could this school know about her mission? And what would they do with it?

“Kanaya.” She jerked up, nearly banging her invisible horns on the underside of a table.

“Did You Find It” She shook her head.

“No. John says Eridan took it to give back to you.” She stared at her blankly.

“Eridan Took It”

“Yes.”

“Oh”

“You seem…unsure what to think about that. Did something happen between you two?” She leaned against the table, rubbing her head.

“No No I Am Sure It Is Fine I Will Contact Him Assuming He Has Not Changed His Handle”

“I can take you back to the Space House.” She offered, “Your room has a computer in it.”

“Very Well” She nodded, “Thank You Very Much Rose”

“What is it, exactly?” She frowned and looked away. “…Very well. The fastest way out would be the back entrance. This way.”

 

000

 

grimAuxiliatrix began trolling caesarAugustus.

 

GA: Eridan

GA: I Received Word That You Have Taken Custody Over The Object I Left Behind In The Art Room

GA: Is This True

CA: wow

CA: isnt it a pain to capitalize every letter like that

GA: Ah I Had Heard You Had Abandoned Writing Your Quirk

CA: oh god not this again

CA: yeah i have your spiky ball thing

CA: its right here takin up a perfectly good space in my sylladex

CA: what the hell happened anyways do you have a fear a paint or somethin

GA: I Am Relieved

GA: Is It Okay Did It Suffer Damage In Any Way

CA: well i tossed it in the trash once

GA: You Did What

CA: chill i took it out

GA: Eridan I Cannot Stress How Important It Is That You Treat That With The Utmost Delicacy

CA: are you kiddin its like a fuckin rock

GA: Regardless Please Try Your Best Not To Jostle It Or Drop It By Accident

GA: In Fact Keeping It In Your Sylladex Might Be The Best Course Of Action Until You Return It To Me

CA: yeah okay wha

CA: wait

GA: What Is It

CA: wait just a goddamn second here

GA: Yes I Am Waiting As Requested

CA: is this thing a bomb

GA: What

GA: A Bomb

CA: holy shit no wonder its so heavy

CA: i thought you guys were just a bunch a kids hangin out in the woods

CA: this is fuckin terrorism

GA: Eridan Somewhere Along This Conversation You Have Been Sidetracked By Some Sort Of Grossly Incorrect Assumption

GA: Could We Please Just Arrange A Time For You To Return The Matriorb To Me

CA: uh

CA: no

GA: What

CA: i aint givin it back now i cant believe this did you enter the school just for this

CA: why the hell are you so suspicious of this place anyways

GA: Eridan I Am Not Requesting This

GA: The Matriorb Is Mine And I Demand You Return It

CA: fuck you i aint lettin you blow somethin up im getting rid a this

CA: ill toss the goddamn thing in the incinerator

GA: Eridan

GA: I Am Trying Very Hard To Remain Calm And Tell Myself That You Are Not Aware Of What You Are Saying

GA: And I Understand That We Are Friends Despite You Not Remembering

GA: But Please Be Aware That If You Harm That Orb I Most Certainly Will Bisect You

CA: pff

CA: i aint scared a you

CA: the school wouldnt let you bring that crazy chainsaw in here

GA: Oh Really

GA: Considering Our First Encounter Within Your Memory I Would Say That You Are Very Scared Of Me

GA: And My Chainsaw Was Neither Mentioned Nor Confiscated

CA: well ok fuck

GA: On That Note If You Truly Believe The Matriorb Is An Explosive

GA: Which It Most Certainly Is Not

GA: Why Would You Choose To Have Its Destruction Be By Fire Of All Things

CA: ok so not the incinerator

CA: if it aint a bomb what is it

GA: An Egg

GA: Do You Really Not Remember

CA: im gettin real tired a this not rememberin shit

CA: an egg

CA: this thing aint an egg

CA: an egg for what

GA: The Mother Grub

CA: the what

GA: The Mother Grub The Mother Of All Trolls

CA: wow the amount of bs that is coming from this chat is unimaginable

GA: You Are Somewhere On This Campus And I Will Find You

CA: uh huh

CA: do you even know what house im in

GA: The Pale Yellow One

CA: right sure thats totally its name

CA: just calm the fuck down if its just a toy ill give it back

GA: It Is Not A Toy

CA: fine if it aint a bomb ill give it back

CA: but not until i figure that out for sure with some science

CA: so until then calm down and drink some tea or something

 

caeserAugustus ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix.

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling grimAuxiliatrix.

 

CG: KANAYA.

CG: COME IN KANAYA.

CG: PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU REMEMBER ME.

GA: Karkat

GA: Hello

CG: OKAY THAT’S A RELIEF. WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU TO HAVE CALLED EARLIER?

CG: HOW’S IT GOING?

GA: It Is Going Terribly

GA: Completely And Utterly Terribly

CG: WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?

GA: They Told Me The Basics Of School Life And Provided Me With A Packet Of Useful Information

GA: A Nice Girl By The Name Of Rose Showed Me A Tour Of The School

GA: What Was Apparently A Human Joke Caused Me To Faint In Shock

GA: After Which Two Humans Were Kind Enough To Bring Me To A Recovery Station

GA: Rose Waited With Me Until I Awoke

CG: UH, SO WHAT PART OF THAT WAS BAD? THE FAINTING? WHAT DID YOU SEE ANYWAYS?

GA: I Lost The Matriorb

CG: WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?

GA: It Was Left In The Room Where I Fainted

GA: Eridan Has It

CG: OH WELL, OKAY THAT’S NOT SO BAD.

CG: WHY DON’T YOU GET IT FROM HIM?

GA: He Will Not Return It

GA: It Is Now Indefinitely In His Care Until He Realizes It Is Not A Threat Through The Use Of Some Scientific Method

CG: WELL FUCK.

CG: HOW LONG IS THAT GOING TO TAKE?

GA: It Will Depend On How Soon I Can Track Him Down

GA: I Have Located His Respiteblock But He Is Not Here

CG: OKAY. WELL THAT KIND OF SUCKS. BUT TRY TO STAY CALM. HE’S PLANNING TO GIVE IT BACK EVENTUALLY, RIGHT?

GA: If He Does Not Soon I Will Take It Back

GA: And If He Harms It We Will Truly See If He Is Human On The Inside As Well

CG: WHOA WHOA, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT CALMING THE FUCK DOWN?

GA: My Patience Is Running Thin

CG: YEAH, I GET IT. BUT PLEASE DON’T DO ANYTHING RASH. ALRIGHT?

GA: Very Well

 

000

 

turntechGodhead began pestering timaeusTestified.

 

TG: hey sup bro

TT: Hey dude, what’s up?

TG: nothing much just popping in hows it going

TT: Just the usual shit.

TG: alright cool

TT: I’m going to go head out and hang with Jake soon so I can’t talk long.

TG: its alright man but hey when am i gonna meet this jake dude

TG: im sure hes rad and all but come on man

TT: Sorry man. One day, I’m sure.

TG: you better believe it

TT: I have to go. Talk later, okay?

TG: yeah sure

 

timaeusTestified ceased pestering turntechGodhead.

 

TG: uh hey that was you right not hal

TT: Oh no, it was actually him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "References to Eridan's death" Count: 4
> 
> I should have made a "Ways in which Eridan tried to do the right thing and fucked up" count. We've already had 4 of those.  
> Eridan's really trying to help. He's just really bad at deciding what's a problem.
> 
> Note how neither Strider says anything to imply the age difference between them.
> 
> The bucket had to fall on Eridan because if anything bad happens in my fanfics it's going to happen to Eridan that's just a rule I'm sorry.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan returns the Matriorb and Kanaya is almost hypnotized.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to shorten the chapters up a little. Fun with Kanaya and Eridan and more bisection jokes.
> 
> Eridan would be a Hufflepuff, but he would be a damn terrifying Hufflepuff. Like the next quidditch match he'd put the entire opposing team and half his team in the nurses without even being a beater (God help them all if they let him be a beater). Riding his lusus would probably make him a pretty good flier and *mutter mutter*...
> 
> Onward!

Four and a half months ago

 

Roxy looked up, noticing someone heading out of the school counselor’s office. Her face broke into a grin.

“eri hai!” He looked up, annoyed scowl fading when he saw her.

“oh hey rox wwhats up”

“nothin” She cocked her head to the side, “what happened?”

“huh oh” His eyes narrowed as he looked over his shoulder at the door. “nothin i just got sent here for some shit again”

“daw…” She noticed the book under his arm and squealed in excitement. “omg ur readin harry potter!!” He blinked, then held the book out.

“uh yeah so”

“thats totes awesome! is it your first time reading it?”

“a course not” He answered defensively, “a least i dont think so i remember readin somethin pretty similar” She giggled and they started to walk down the hall.

“where r u in tha story?”

“not far just got ta him gettin sorted inta gryffindor sheesh wwhat did he havve against slytherin” She shrugged.

“it doesnt havve such a good rep ya know?”

“hey i can respect their cunnin id probably be in that house”

“u?” Her cheeks swelled up, then released into a burst of laughter. “lol eri no youd totes be hufflepuff”

“wwhat” He gave her a shocked look, “me a fuckin hufflepuff geez if i aint in slytherin put me in ravenclaww wwhyd you stick me wwith the rejects”

“omg hufflepuffs aren’t the rejects!”

“okay so why not slytherin is it cause im in this stupid yelloww color scheme”

“eri…” Roxy pursed her lips and gave him a false sad look, “eri im totes sorry but ur as cunnin as a rock”

“wwhoa hey” He drew himself up, “speak for yourself you dont knoww the plans ivve been invvolvved in”

“uh huh” She skipped ahead of him, “i still think you’d be a gryffindor b4 a slytherin. ur gusty like that.” He sighed and followed after her.

“youd definitely be a gryff rox”

“daw thanks. so srsly why were you in the counshelurs?”

“no reason just wwasting some perfectly good time goin in circles”

“cmon tell me bout it”

“wwhy”

“im curious”

“wwell fine as long as you dont givve me the look she does”

 

000

Present

 

“so it aint a bomb”

“nope” Roxy peered at object through her microscope while Eridan looked through some measurements they’d taken. “kinda looks liek one tho. like shumthin youd find in zelda. whered u get it?”

“i confiscated it”

“omg eri”

“it looked dangerous”

“hm well it u should probs give it back. actshully…” She frowned, “yo eri got a…a…a whatchamicalit. thingy.”

“rox you gotta be more specific than that”

“a thingy!” She waved her hand, “u um…listen to heartbeat with’m. stethe…seta…”

“a stethoscope”

“ya”

“wwhy”

“cause!”

“uh” He dug through the tools on the table, “no itd be in the nurses not a science room”

“4get it” She pressed her cheek against it, trying to avoid the horn-like protrusions.

“rox wwhat are you doin”

“omg eri i think theres shumthin in here” He gave her a shocked look, then stood up.

“wwhat”

“liek i think this is an egg”

“no wway” He shook his head, “bullshit are you serious”

“yeah!” She held it out, “you wanna listen?”

“no” He collapsed back into the chair and groaned, bumping his glasses to rub his eyes. “fuck i thought she wwas just bein crazy”

“wait does this have to do with the aliens”

“yeah i guess” He flicked some tweezers across the counter. “the girl kanaya or somethin told me it wwas an egg and part a their alien race and shit”

“whoa” Roxy sat down as well, holding it in her lap. “well its an egg alright so does that mean its tru?”

“no” He grunted, “this aint proof”

“lol” She poked it curiously, “i dunno im startin to wonder i mean a conspiracy is pretty kewl why not?”

“oh god rox please no” He buried his face in his hands. “please not you too”

“aw chill eri. its just a thought i aint gonna go runnin off to join them” She spun the orb around, “tho i never got any invitation to go be a fish alien im kinda jealous”

“dont be” He sighed, standing up. “i guess i better givve that back and hope she doesnt saww me in half or somethin”

“psh” She stood up, still holding it. “u want me ta do it?”

“no wway shes dangerous” She rolled her eyes.

“fine u want me to come wi u?” He blinked, then rubbed the back of his neck.

“uh yeah actually sure”

“wow how scared r u of her?”

“shut up”

 

000

 

caesarAugustus began pestering grimAuxiliatrix.

 

CA: hey i found out your egg aint a bomb

CA: so ill give it back alright

GA: Oh Did You

GA: That Was Faster Than I Expected

CA: what did you think id take my time on somethin like this

GA: Perhaps Where Are You

CA: ill meet you in front a the space house you know where that is at least right

GA: Yes I Am Coming Now

CA: well dont rush i still gotta stop at my room for somethin

CA: itll be at least ten minutes

GA: You Are Stopping At Your Room First

CA: yeah thats what i said

GA: Are You There Now

CA: no im heading up the stairs why

GA: Is Whatever You Need To Do There Grossly Important

GA: I Do Not Mean To Be Pushy But I Would Like It Returned As Soon As Possible

GA: With No Unnecessary Detors To Your Respiteblock

CA: little late to not be pu

GA: Eridan

GA: Is Something The Matter

CA: my door

CA: what the hell did you do to my door

GA: Did Something Happen To Your Door

CA: did something happen its on the ground in two pieces

CA: you fuckin broke into my room

GA: This Accusation Is Baseless

GA: It Could Have Been Anyone

GA: I Do Not Even Belong To That House

CA: fuck that i know what it looks like when my doors been chainsawed in half

CA: why the hell didnt anyone stop you

CA: fuckin useless hope dorm

GA: Perhaps This Would Be A Good Moment To Turn Your Eyesight Onto The More Luminous Side Of The Issue

GA: At Least It Was Not You

CA: wow okay i feel so much better now

GA: Was That Sarcasm

CA: what the fuck do you think

GA: I Have Some Fabric I Could Give You To Use As A Curtain

GA: Would That Make You Feel Better

CA: no

GA: I Am Sure I Have A Pleasing Shade Of Violet Somewhere

CA: goddammit and i still have to give back your stupid egg because rox knows about it now

CA: just be there in ten minutes okay

CA: i cant believe you sawed down my fuckin door what are we in some video game

 

caesarAugustus ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix.

 

000

 

Kanaya ran her fingers over the matriorb in her lap. It had been delivered as promised (thrown actually) by Eridan. The blonde girl that had accompanied him had reminded her a little of Rose, though only in looks, not personality.

“Kanaya Maryam?” She looked up. Some adult human was standing over her. She assumed he was a teacher.

“Yes” He gave her a gentle smile.

“I’m your homeroom teacher, Mr. Schwartz. I heard you fainted in art earlier today.”

“It Was Nothing Dire” He nodded.

“Moving to a new setting can be very stressful.” He held out a sheet of paper, “I think a visit to the school therapist may help you adjust. We encourage all our students to meet her at least once.” She accepted the sheet. It had a name written on it and a room number.

“I Am Not Sure I Understand The Objective Of Talking With This Therapist”

“Just to talk with her. She’s quite good at helping people through their problems. A conversation with her may help you feel better.” She slowly tilted her head.

“Are You Prescribing Me A Professional Moirail Of Some Sort” He smiled again, looking only a little confused.

“I would not use that wording, exactly.”

“Very Well” She put the sheet away. “I Will Attempt To Find Time To Meet With Her Tomorrow” His smiled widened.

“Glad to here it. I hope it helps.”

 

000

 

The next day found Kanaya outside the therapist’s office. At the very least, this conversation may help her understand humans better. She inhaled deeply, then knocked on the door.

“Come in.” A gentle voice floated through the wood. She turned the handle and entered.

The first thing she noticed was that the room had a very pleasing scent. She caught roses, oranges, and a hint of lavender.

_“Terezi Would Enjoy It Here”_ She looked around for a potpourri or scented candles but couldn’t find any. The room was a little dim, but decorated tastefully, with furniture that seemed comfortable and stylish.

“Hello.” A well-dressed young woman sat at a desk near the wall. A perpetual motion machine consisting of rotating rods spun hypnotically. “You must be Kanaya Maryam?” She nodded faintly.

“Yes” She gestured to one of the couches.

“Would you like to sit down?” She slowly made her way over and did as she suggested. The woman gave her a gentle smile. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Miss Soo. How are you feeling?”

“Fine Thank You” She laughed lightly.

“Please relax. I just want to get to know you. It’s standard for all the students here.”

“I See”

She shuffled some papers together, then looked up at her. “Do you want to tell me some things about yourself?”

“I Enjoy Making Clothes And Gardening” She nodded.

“Those are wonderful hobbies. Do you get along well with your family?” Kanaya’s lips pursed and she clenched her hands in her lap. The woman gave her a concerned look. “I’m sorry. Did that make you uncomfortable?”

“No It Is Fine” She tucked a strand of hair back into place. “My” She hesitated, “My Mother Was Very Kind And Wise”

“Oh,” She pursed her lips, giving her an apologetic look. “I’m sorry.”

“It Is Fine” She answered quickly, “Please Do Not Feel Uncomfortable She Passed Away A Long Time Ago”

“I see.” She smiled again and leaned forward, resting her chin on her hand. She stared straight into the other’s eyes, causing her to stiffen slightly.

“Kanaya,” Her voice was warm, almost motherly. “I really think you’ll do well here. You’ll really feel at home. You just need a little guidance to get used to things.”

“I” She stared back into the deep brown irises, then broke away. Her eyes fell instead on the spinning rods on her desk. The woman noticed her change in attention. She tilted her head and gestured to it.

“It’s a perpetual motion machine. Do you like it?” A slender finger lightly struck the tip of one of the parts, increasing the speed. “They preserve energy very well, and can continue for a very **very** long time.” She nodded slowly. Her breathing had slowed down. She felt the sweet air travelling through her body.

“Kanaya,” Her voice lightly tugged at her consciousness. “You’ll have a great time here, okay?” She nodded again. The woman reached into her desk. “Here. I’m going to prescribe you some supplements. Just a few extra vitamins, it will be good for your nerves.” She stood up and walked over, placing a bottle into her cupped palms. “Take one every day, okay?” She nodded, standing up. “Stop by any time.”

“Yes” She blinked slowly, “Thank You”

Kanaya wandered out of the office, hearing the door softly click closed behind her. She stared down at the bottle of vitamins. It would not hurt to try them for awhile.

“hey” She looked up. It took her a second to remember the person in front of her that was giving her a rather curious look.

“Oh Eridan” Her memories of their previous encounters and communication came back to her. She felt a sudden rush of embarrassment over her actions. “I Am Sorry About Your Door” He cocked an eyebrow at her, then shrugged.

“its fixed the carpentry club wworks fast” He jerked his chin at the door, “you got sent there too huh cant say im surprised”

“Yes You Spoke With Her At One Point As Well Correct” He huffed and rolled his eyes.

“once i wwish it wwas once” He waved his hand, “shes just full a crap as far as i can tell i get a migraine just talkin wwith her” She frowned.

“Do You” Her brow creased, “Is She”

“yeah” He noticed the bottle in her hand. “she gavve you those vvitamins too huh”

“Yes” Her frown deepened and she examined them closer. “Do You Take Something Similar As Well” He shrugged.

“wwell duh pretty much evveryone in the school does aint anythin wwei-” He broke off as the bottle clattered to the ground. Kanaya swayed and leaned against the wall. Eridan gave her an unsure look.

“hey you gonna faint again”

“Oh” She stared at the ground, clutching her forehead. “Oh My God”

“hey” She turned suddenly and half ran, half stumbled out the door. “hey wwait you forgot your” The door slammed shut behind her, “pills” He sighed, kneeling down to pick them up. “wwhat the hells wwith her”

 

000

 

Kanaya staggered into the dorm room that had been assigned to her. She closed and locked the door behind her, then looked around for any cameras. She closed the shades, then took a deep breath and pressed the button on her wrist.

She examined herself in the mirror. Her normal troll self stared back. She touched her face and horns, then her shoulders sagged in relief. She sat down on the floor, exhaling heavily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "At Least It Was Not You"
> 
> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 6
> 
> Schwartz and Soo aren't homestuck characters I just thought of names at random.  
> Imagine Kanaya with a glint in her eye as she calmly worked her chainsaw through the wood or Eridan's door. All the Hope students decided Eridan was always mean to them anyways.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which several uniforms are stolen, Eridan experiences some hallucinations, and Karkat is hit with a bucket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More hijinks, but important stuff happens too. Like Karkat being drowned in the neverending words of his danscestor.

 

_I’m an angel with a shotgun_

_Fighting till the war’s won_

_And I don’t care if heaven won’t_

_Take me back…_

Eridan paused in packing up the rifle equipment to take out his earbuds.

“harley” His fellow co-president looked up from her own work.

“yeah?”

“youre in the space house right”

“uh yeah, why?” He held out the bottle of pills.

“can you givve this to the neww girl there ivve had enough encounters wwith her” She gave the bottle a puzzled look, then took it.

“uh sure”

“great” He slung the bag over his shoulder and headed over to join Roxy. “rox you ready to go”’

“uhhh…” She was still fiddling with one of the magazines. “shur one sec” He sighed and knelt down beside her, helping to fit the bullet into the correct slot.

“thought your shots looked wwild today youre wwasted”

“ummm nah”

“you reek of wwhisky” He grimaced, finishing the work. “aint you at least knoww not to knock em back right before practice”

“psshhh” She stumbled up, “wan trink wasnt gunna do anything”

“like you had just one”

“i sho meant to tho” He rolled his eyes and helped steady her with his free hand.

“come on the sheds this wway then wwell get you back to your room”

“daw thanks eri” She slumped against him, triggering a more concerned look.

“rox seriously its wworse than usual howw many did you havve”

“uh i forget”

“figures but you knoww i cant wwalk like this”

“agrmph…” She tottered off him. He carefully led her toward the equipment shed.

“seriously wwhy do you drink that stuff”

“its fun! u shuld try’t”

“hell no” He grumbled, “its amazin youre still such a good shot like this”

“daw thanks” He glared at her.

“ya knoww if you were sober you could easily beat harley and be the other copresident”

“psh whatevs”

“wwhy the hell are you lettin intoxication keep you from your rightful place” He glanced at the dark-haired girl up ahead to make sure she couldn’t here, “cmon rox you belong at my side wwed be fuckin murder together”

“i sud whatevs!” She waved her hand in his face, “i dun wanna be co-preshudant too much werk”

“bs youd be a great leader”

“mnarghl…” Her garbled protest ended the conversation.

 

000

 

Karkat dropped off the wall onto the grass below. It was the middle of the night, but his troll eyes gave him a perfect picture of the school campus. Equius was crouching nearby as well. Karkat wasn’t sure why he’d been brought on this mission, but Vriska had insisted that he would be useful. Said troll dropped in beside him, then grinned and motioned for them to follow her.

They streaked across the yard to one of the nearby dorm buildings. Vriska opened a window that was barely above the ground and slid in. Karkat, after some grumbling, crawled in after her.

A row of laundry machines greeted them in the basement. Vriska glanced around.

“Jackpot!!!!!!!!” She bounced across the room and swiped a pile of garments off a table. “Ta-da! One uniform,” She tossed it to Equius, “easy!” He held it out and examined it in the dim light.

“D--> I can approve of the dark b100 coloring”

“GLAD YOU LIKE IT. ARE THERE ANY MORE?” She leaned against the table and crossed her arms.

“Doesn’t look like it. Only one idiot was stupid enough to leave theirs out.”

“ALRIGHT. LET’S CHECK ANOTHER HOUSE, THEN.”

 

000

 

Rose checked her watch, then climbed the final few stairs to the top of the Space House dorms.

“Jade?” She knocked on the door, “Jade, did you oversleep again?”

“uh no!” The door swung open to reveal her friend. She was holding her black blazer in one hand and her glasses were crooked. “sorry! im almost ready” Her friend smiled as she put on her jacket and fixed her eye-wear.

“Don’t forget your tie.” She glanced down.

“oops!” She looked around, spotting it hanging on the chair. “oh yeah!” She hurried to grab it, along with a bottle of pills on her desk. “rose you might want to go without me i need to give something to the new girl here”

“Kanaya?”

“yeah! have you met her?”

“Yes. I’ll accompany you if that’s alright.”

They headed down the flight of stairs to the room below hers. Jade knocked her fist against the wood.

“kanaya! are you in here? its jade and rose.”

“One Moment Please” There was some shuffling, then the door opened. Kanaya was fully dressed in her uniform. One sleeve was rolled up, revealing the black bracelet on her wrist.

“whats that?” She pointed at it, “is that one of those pedometer fitness things?”

“Oh” She quickly but carefully pulled her sleeve down. “It Is Nothing What Can I Do For You” Jade grinned and held up the bottle.

“here you go! i guess you dropped this somewhere?” She stared at it.

“Oh” She hesitantly took it, “Thank You” She turned and placed it on her desk. “I Am Sorry To Inconvenience You”

“no problem! hey are you ready to go? we can walk together!” She blinked in surprise, then gave a faint smile.

“Yes I Am Prepared Thank You For The Offer”

She joined them in the hallway and Jade led the way down the stairs.

“Are you settling in alright?” She nodded.

“Yes The Classes Are Very Interesting” She paused, “Can I Ask If You Take Similar Supplements As Well?” She blinked in surprise.

“Hm? Oh yes. Just some vitamins. Why?” She pursed her lips, focusing on the steps in front of her.

“I See”

 

000

 

Karkat growled, adjusting his outfit for what must have seemed like the millionth time. He’d ended up with some brown one, but what was worse was the weird symbol over the breast. It looked like a bleeding wound or something. The goddamn irony was gonna kill him.

He looked around. A few students were out and about, but no one had given him any odd looks.

He tried to look casual as he headed for the main building. Hopefully his other teammates were doing alright on their own expeditions.

Kanaya texted him, wishing him luck. They had decided it was best she not meet them in case it arosed suspicion of her. He was pretty much on his own.

He headed in through one of the entrances and looked around. It was quiet. Too quiet. Where was everyo-

*Brinnnnnng!*

He yelped as a loud bell sounded and students suddenly came flowing out from the rooms around him. He flattened himself against the lockers, but apart from a few weird looks people mostly ignored him in favor of heading outside or talking with friends.

“…WHAT?” He looked around, then relaxed. Apparently that hadn’t had any connection to him. He watched with interest as the spectrum of uniforms blurred by him.

“hey!” He whirled around. A familiar blonde winked and waved at him.

“OH CRAP.” She pouted, resting her fists on her hips.

“dats no way ta greet a lady.” She cocked her eyebrow at him, “whered u get that uniform?”

“UH, I’M A STUDENT. THAT’S HOW.” She smirked.

“srsly whered you get it? you rob someone?”

“SHHH!!” He whipped his head around, “OKAY JUST SHUT UP, ALRIGHT?” She rolled her eyes.

“yeah that’s totes not shuspicioushh” She leaned against the wall. “u guys r gunna cause truble again?”

“NO. MAYBE.”

“uh huh” She blew a lock of hair out of her face. “wunder where latula is”

“OH *HELL* NO.” He glared at her, “I’VE GOT A GREAT IDEA AND IT INVOLVES STICKING YOUR PALE HUMAN RUMP WHERE IT ACTUALLY BEL-”

*kang*

He yelped and his hands flew up to clutch the back of his head. He whirled around, blinking tears from his eyes.

“WHAT THE FU-” He broke off and his jaw dropped. Eridan glared at him.

“howw dare you fuckin yell at he-”

“HANG ON.” He pointed at the object in his hand. “PLEASE TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST HIT ME WITH THAT.”

“wwhat” He glanced down at the bucket, “okay so i aint allowwed to carry rifles but i wwas on cleanin duty once and cro wwas botherin rox so noww its in my strife deck and hey aint you that guy-”

“A…” He gaped at him, “A PAIL?! YOU JUST…YOU JUST HIT ME WITH A PAIL?!” He gave him a blank look.

“so wwhat”

“OH HELL NO!” He jabbed a finger at him, “I’M NOT LETTING YOU “I’M A HUMAN” EXCUSE GET YOU OUT OF THIS ONE! THAT WAS DOWNRIGHT DISGUSTING! OH MY GOD!” He scrubbed his face while the other looked on in confusion, “I NEED A SHOWER. NO, THAT WAS SO TRAUMATIC I THINK I ACTUALLY NEED TO TRACK DOWN GAMZEE OR SOMETHING.”

“is this one a your wweird cult things”

“WILL YOU SHUT YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE ABOUT THE GODDAMN CULT!?! WE ARE NOT A FUCKING CULT!” He grabbed at his hair in two tight fistfuls. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU! I’M GOING TO BE EQUIUS FOR A SECOND AND TELL YOU THIS IS DOWNRIGHT DEPRAVED! EVEN FOR YOU!”

“wwoww okay wwould you havve preferred i slap you”

“YES! I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED THAT SO MUCH! I’VE JUST BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTED!”

“oh god are you makin this up on the spot you gotta be”

“SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I’M GONNA VO-” Eridan suddenly reached forward, grabbing both his shoulders. “-MIT?”

“im sorry” He glared directly into his eyes, “i am completely and utterly terribly sorry its all my fault i should havve been more open to your owwn personal feelings an experiences i wwill do evverythin in my powwer to prevvent another misunderstandin i hope i havvent damaged you in any lastin or significant wway” Karkat leaned away from the suddenly close quarters and gave him a disturbed wary look.

“OKAY YEAH THIS IS TEN TIMES MORE CREEPY THAN WHAT YOU WERE DOING BE-HEY!” The student blew past him, absconding toward the exit. “HEY! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK-”

“Excuse me, 6ut please 6e aware 9f y9ur surr9ndings and ch99se y9ur language carefully.”

He spun around. Some human was staring back at him with his arms crossed. He was also wearing a brown uniform, and had pale skin and light brown hair in a style similar to Karkat’s own. He tilted to the side to watch Eridan leave.

“He’s in a hurry as always. 9dd, it seems whenever I see him he is rushing 9ff t9 s9mewhere else. We rarely talk anym9re these days. It is alm9st as if he is av9iding me. I have asked him if there was a part 9f my appearance that triggers him 6ut he has assured me 9f 9therwise. Hm?” He cocked his head at the troll staring at him. “9h, I’m s9rry. I understand s9me pe9ple have difficulty talking t9 strangers, yet here I am having n9t intr9duced myself. My name is Kankri Vantas 9f the 6l99d H9use. Y9u must 6e a new mem6er 9f it.”

“…UH-”

“D9 y9u kn9w Eridan Amp9ra? Alth9ugh I have n9t talked with him much as 9f lately, I still c9nsider him 9ne 9f my finest students. He has attended a num6er 9f my lectures, and I am very pr9ud 9f the pr9gress he has made.” Karkat suddenly realized Roxy had left as well. He was alone with his guy. “Since y9u are new t9 this sch99l there are s9me things I w9uld like t9 tell y9u. Alth9ugh it is relatively advanced in the realm 9f understanding and s9cial justice, there are still many issues it needs t9 9verc9me. F9r instance…”

“HEY.” To his horror the student launched into a long and elaborate speech, several of which included words he was sure didn’t actually exist. It was hard to tell though, since he had this really annoying way of pronouncing his “o”s and “b”s. And **what** was his last name?

“In additi9n, they have an appalling inflexi6ility when it c9mes to those with trans-h9use feelings.”

“WAIT. TRANS-HOUSE?” He blinked.

“Yes. They are highly int9lerant 9f th9se wishing t9 change the H9use they are currently assigned t9. I 6elieve Eridan as 9ne p9int l966ied t9 6e reassigned t9 the Rage H9use 9n the gr9unds he felt, he identified m9re with them. The sch99l rejected the request h9wever, 9n the gr9unds that it didn’t really matter.” He clasped his hands together and closed his eyes, “He is n9t the 9nly 9ne t9 have such a request denied. It is want9n insensitivity like that that reminds me that my missi9n here is far fr9m 9ver.”

“SURE. BUT WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL? IT SHOULD BE JUST CHANGING ROOMS AND CLOTHES RIGHT?” He gave him a slight frown.

“I will assume that c9mment was n9t meant t9 6e 9ffense, 6ut I assure y9u that the H9uses have a high am9unt 9f signifigance and identity f9r s9me pe9ple. S9me have 6een in 9ne since kindergarten. The 6l99d H9use especially, f9r their values include kinsmanship and 69nds. I am very pr9ud t9 6e in this h9use.”

“BUT THE SCHOOL WON’T LET YOU CHANGE.” He was starting to realize the trick was to cut in when he paused to breathe.

“They will n9t. It is a classic example 9f-”

“OKAY, THANKS, BYE.” He scampered off before he could be trapped any longer.

 

000

 

Equius wandered through the campus, searching for anything of interest. Nepeta had informed him that, apart from a hidden malicious intent, the school itself was fun at times. As usual, he found little to support her claims.

He turned a corner around the main building and found an odd pathway fenced off from the rest of the grassy lawn. It travelled in a large oval of packed earth. He frowned, unsure of its use. A large wooden building sat nearby it. He glanced around, then headed for it.

The large doors were unlocked and easy work for his strength. He heaved them open to look inside.

His arms dropped to his sides in shock. The room was a stable, and the heads of several horses peeked out from gated enclosures. A young man sat on one of the gate doors, offering an apple to its occupant. He looked up to see who had opened the door. He wasn’t wearing a uniform, instead having a brown sweatshirt and pants. His long dark hair was tied back in a ponytail and half his head was covered by some sort of hat-google combination. He offered the other a wide smile.

“8=D< Oh, hello there.” Equius stared at him for several seconds.

“D--> …Hi”

“8=D< Please e%cuse my present attire.” He gestured to his clothing, “8=D< I believe the horses enjoy this 100k better so I typically change clothing upon visiting them, but today is especially so because I seem to have misplaced my only clean uniform.”

“D--> …That is a hoofbeast” He pointed to the horse closest to him. The man gave him a confused look, though he kept his odd grin. It was actually a pretty unsettling grin. Equius couldn’t decided whether it was incredibly friendly, or incredibly lewd.

“Hey.” Someone patted him on the shoulder. He turned around to face the new arrival. Dirk raised his hand greeting. “You’re new. Here for the Equestrian club?”

“D--> Why is the room full of hoofbeasts” He glanced shyly at one out of the corner of his eye.

“If you mean the horses, they’re here for the Equestrian club.” He pointed to the white one that had cause his eye, “Her name’s Maplehoof. Do you want to pet her?”

“D--> That is not a safe course of action. I am quite STRONG”

“Suit yourself. I doubt you’re stronger than Horuss there.” The other kid hopped off the gate to join them.

“8=D< Oh my, the horses seem to cause me to lose all my manners. My name is Horuss. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Dirk.”

“D--> I am Equius” He nodded faintly, “D--> What is this Equestrian Club”

 

000

 

“oh my god rox” Eridan slumped against the wall behind the Void Dorm. “wwhy the fuck are they here noww i dont believve this shit” His companion rocked back on her heels, thinking. She was unusually sober today, which contributed to her not falling from the action.

“u think theyre gonna kidnap you again?”

“i dont knoww i dont fuckin knoww wwhered they get those uniforms”

“uh stole em from the laundry room? people leave shit there all the time”

“did he hurt you i swwear if-”

“eri no. stahp. youve asked this like seven times already.”

“sorry sorry” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “i cant evven think right im freakin out so much” He took off his glasses to rub his face, “its seriously givvin me a migraine” He put them back on an squinted through the lens. “see im already gettin those aura things” She leaned forward to scrutinize him.

“ur seein spots?”

“yeah or somethin like that” His eyes narrowed and he waved his hand in front of his face. “wwait wwhat”

“huh?”

“aint auras supposed ta float around in front a evverythin”

“yes…?”

He raised his hand up and down several times. Oddly enough, the floating mass of spots was blocked out, unlike a typical vision.

“rox” He pointed at the whitish mass that was hovering around his sight, “you cant see that right” She turned to look.

“uh nope.” He rubbed his neck.

“great im not just seein spots im gettin hallucinations”

“wats it look like?”

“uh a snake i guess” He frowned as it became more clear, “kinda like a big white snake with wwings and” He swallowed, “t-teeth” He smacked his hands over his glasses. “y-yeah i dont wwanna see it anymore evven if it aint real can you lead me back to the dorm”

“omg eri calm down” He felt her patting his shoulder. “its probably gone already.” He lowered his hands and shuddered.

“fuck” The creature had come closer. It swirled in the air about 5 feet away, its eyeless head trained directly on them.

“wwhat the fuck” He muttered, “is it wwaiting for somethin”

“eri?” He rubbed his head.

“sorry this thing is just really freakin me out”

“wats it doin?”

“its just floatin there” He tilted his head at it, “it looks scary as fuck i think it wwants to attack me or somethin” As if reacting to his words, the creature reared up, arching its back. A loud shriek pierced the air. Eridan shouted and slammed back against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut and throwing his arms up over his ears. He looked up just in time to see the serpent lunge at him. It curled around his legs, opening its mouth to release a sharp hiss. He stared back in horror at the rows of jagged teeth centimeters from his face.

Fingers slid under his glasses to clamp firmly over his eyes. He yelled again, trying to rip them off.

“eri! its just me!”

“h-huh” He gripped her wrists tightly, “rox wwha-”

“theres nothin there eri” Her firm voice dimmed the panic rising in his throat. “kay? just calm down. theres nothin there” He slowly released his hold on her arms.

“you really dont see anythin”

“nope. u just started freakin out.”

“oh god” He let his arms drop down to his sides, “i thought that thing was gonna fuckin kill me”

“alright eri,” She spoke gently, “wat do you see now?”

“nothin” Her hands were still over his eyes.

“alright, so im takin that nothin” She cupped her hands, “im takin it, and…” She moved her hands to throw them out in front of them. “im puttin it over here! see?” He looked around nervously. “okay?”

“ugh” He slid down against the wall, covering his head with his arms.

“u okay eri?”

“rox” He spoke weakly, voice floating out from behind his knees. “rox i think i need to see the nurse”

 

000

 

“HEY.” Karkat nodded curtly as he met up with the other two undercover trolls in the main building. “DID YOU TWO FIND ANYTHING USEFUL?”

“D--> There are hoofbeasts here” He stared at him.

“…PLEASE TELL ME YOU FOUND OUT SOMETHING BESIDES THAT.”

“D--> There is a club cantered around hoofbeasts” Vriska yawned.

“Well, we know what he’s 8een up to.” Karkat turned his attention to her.

“OKAY, SO WHAT ABOUT YOU?” She shrugged.

“They won’t let anyone go up higher past the fourth floor at that 8ig 8uilding.”

“CAN YOU BREAK IN?” She huffed and crossed her arms.

“Please, Karkat! These things take time!”

“SO YOU CAN’T.” Her eyes narrowed.

“Of c8urse I c8n! Just give me some time, okay?”

“T1m3 for wh4t?” They all spun to face the girl who had suddenly appeared behind them. Latula shifted her weight to one foot and crossed her arms. “Cl4ss3s h4v3 3nd3d for th3 d4y. Y4 know?”

“UH.” Karkat dug his hands into his pockets. “WE FORGOT SOMETHING.”

“4ll thr33 of you?” She raised an eyebrow and leaned in to examine him, “You know, 1 don’t r3c4ll 3v3r s331ng you dud3s 4round b3for3. 4r3 you n3w?”

“UH…”

“Oh Latula!” Another girl suddenly swooped in, hooking an arm around Vriska. “Hi! What’s up?” She stared at the newcomer, as did everyone else. Her dark had was cut short in a bob and she had a pair of fashionable white glasses. She beamed, keeping her hold on Vriska.

“Have you guys not met yet? This is Vriska, she’s uh, she’s my cousin and she’s visiting the school for awhile!” Latula blinked.

“Huh, for r34lz?”

“Yes!” She nodded quickly, “For realz, as you say it.”

“Right!” Vriska cut in, “I got totally lost though, and I just needed a little time to figure out where I was and stuff!”

“Oh.” She leaned back, “4lr1ght th3n.” He face broke into a wide grin. “Yo! 1’m L4tul4! N1c3 to m33t y4!”

“D--> Greetings”

“HEY.”

“But!” She used two fingers to point to her eyes, then whipped them over to point at them. “1’m w4tch1ng you!” She turned and started to walk off, pulling her skateboard out of her sylladex as she went outside.

“…Whew…” The girl released her hold on Vriska. “That was a close one.” Vriska grinned.

“Hey! Thanks a ton, Aranea!!!!!!!!” She gave a bashful smile and adjusted her glasses.

“Are these your friends?”

“Sure.” She waved her hand at them, “The loud one is Karkat, and the sweaty one is Equius. Guys, this is Aranea, she’s the one who lent me her uniform!”

“OH.” Karkat waved at her warily, “HI. THANKS FOR COVERING FOR US.”

“Please don’t think anything about it.” She leaned forward, “I’d love to hear more a8out you people though.”

“UH…” He shared a look with Equius, “WE *ARE* KIND OF SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET.” She nodded.

“I understand. I won’t spread any information that could compromise your secrecy, though…” Her look turned unsure, “Some have la8led me as a chatter8ox, 8ut I would never…”

“Hey, Aranea’s cool!” Vriska slapped her on the back, “8esides, what are some humans gonna do with a few stray rumors a8out aliens?”

“HOW ABOUT TRY TO DISSECT US?!”

“Oh no,” She smiled and waved her hand, “Never! Why, do you have any interesting 8iological traits?”

 

000

 

“wwhat” Eridan stared at the school doctor in shock, “this is normal” The doctor gave him a calm smile.

“Well not common. But it does happen occasionally.” He flipped through some papers, “Similar visions have been reported. It’s nothing serious.”

“nothin serious” He echoed, “that thing tried to fuckin kill me” He received a politely skeptical look.

“They react to how you feel about them. Try to handle them calmly.” He stood up and walked over to his desk. “I’m going to give you some pills to help you cope.” The student gave him a doubtful look.

“seeing crazy serpent hallucinations is normal” He hopped off the counter, “ya knoww just cause im goin insane doesnt mean ya havve to lie to me about it”

“It really is nothing to worry about.” He handed him a large bottle. “Take one of these once a day with your other medicines, try to get a good amount of sleep, and its okay to miss some school assignments if you’re feeling stressed.”

“its not school thats stressin me out” He muttered, accepting the bottle.

“I’m also going to set you up with some visits with the a school psychologist, okay?” He groaned.

“fine but it better be wworth it.” He shrugged his jacket back on. “still aint convvinced this is normal but wwhatevver see ya”

“Eridan.” He glanced back. The doctor smiled, “You’re routine check up is coming up, I’ll see you then.”

“oh yeah right” He nodded and headed out, closing the door behind him.

The doctor stood there for a few seconds, then walked over to the computer at his desk. He opened a message to be sent to several persons, including the principal.

 

_The angels have come to Eridan Ampora._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUUUUUUN...  
> Haha yeah welcome to Hell, Eridan.
> 
> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 6
> 
> I didn't intend for Equius, Karkat, and Vriska to meet up with their pre-scratches, it just happened.  
> One thing Eridan learned at this school was how to bs really well, that and spot Kankri from 50 feet coming from any direction.
> 
> The song playing at the beginning is "Angel with a Shotgun" by The Cab.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jade goes sleepwalking, Eridan's room is broken into, and many pesterlogs are had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blah, so many pesterlogs.  
> Haha Eridan and his fucking angels.

carcinoGenticist began pestering caesarAugustus.

 

CG: HEY ASSHOLE. THANKS FOR LEAVING ME WITH THAT CRAZY HUMAN WITH A WATERFALL FOR A PROTEIN CHUTE.

CA: ugh

CA: didnt i block you

CG: OH PLEASE. DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK THAT WOULD STOP ME?

CG: WHO THE HELL WAS THAT GUY ANYWAYS?

CG: HE SAID YOU WERE HIS STUDENT OR SOMETHING.

CA: who kan

CG: NO. NOT KANAYA. THE IDIOT YOU AND THE BLONDE HUMAN DITCHED ME WITH.

CA: yeah kankri vantas

CG: WAIT, SO HIS LAST NAME IS ACTUALLY VANTAS?

CG: IT’S SPELLED THAT WAY?

CA: yeah why

CG: THAT’S MY FUCKING NAME. OR AT LEAST IT ALMOST IS. KARKAT VANTAS.

CA: what do you want sympathy ive got cro as my surname twin

CG: CRO? WAIT, IS THAT THE WEIRD GUY WITH THE SLICKED BACK HAIR THAT HIT ON ME?

CA: probably but before you dare say it we are nothin alike

CG: I DON’T KNOW. MAYBE IF SOMEONE TOOK A VERY SHALLOW AND TWISTED VIEW OF YOUR WORST QUALITIES, THEN CRAMMED THEM INTO SOME GREASY GUY WITH A CIGARETTE AND ADDED A SWEEP OR TWO.

CG: AND AT LEAST HE DIDN’T HIT ME WITH A GODDAMN *PAIL*.

CG: UGH. I WANT TO TAKE ANOTHER SHOWER JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

CA: okay just calm down its not like it had anythin in it it wasnt that dirty

CA: and i warned you about pickin on rox

CG: YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO KILL ME. NOT SMACK ME WITH…THAT.

CA: okay fine im sorry

CA: and its an actual apology not a bs one

CA: if i had known you would have rather been smacked or shot i woulda been okay with that

CG: OH YEAH, THAT “APOLOGY” OF YOURS WAS PRETTY WEIRD.

CG: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU LEARN TO SPEW SHIT LIKE THAT?

CA: how about five or six months being kans so called student

CG: ARE YOU KIDDING? I COULDN’T STAND FIVE MINUTES WITH THE GUY.

CG: AND I LIKE TO THINK I’M NOT NEARLY AS OFFENSIVE AND RACIST AS YOU ARE.

CA: hey i aint racist

CA: anymore anyways

CG: WAIT, WHAT?

CG: DID THAT GUY ACTUALLY LIQUIFY YOUR THINK PAN SO MUCH IT WORKED? AMAZING.

CA: pff yeah right

CA: he didnt have shit to do with it

CG: WHATEVER. THIS SCHOOL IS SO FULL OF WEIRDOS I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY YOU’RE STILL HANGING OUT THERE.

CG: LIKE I RAN INTO THAT GIRL WITH THE RED GLASSES AGAIN. IS SHE ACTUALLY DATING THE DROOLING GUY? REALLY? HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

CA: i know right

CA: apparently theyve been together for eons though

CA: and did you meet ruf and hor no idea how theyre still a thing

CG: EQUIUS MENTIONED A HORUSS IF THAT’S WHO YOU MEAN. HE DIDN’T SOUND LIKE THE KIND OF GUY TO BE IN ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP. YOU HAVE TO BE MAKING THIS UP.

CA: i wish

CG: AND THEN THERE’S THOSE TWO, JAKE AND DIRK OR SOMETHING. THAT THING IS JUST HEADED FOR CATASTROPHE.

CA: ugh dont get me started about them what a disaster its painful to watch

CA: this one time

CA: wait a second why am i talking about this to you

CG: UH, MAYBE BECAUSE WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME?

CG: COME ON. ISN’T THIS SO NATURAL?

CG: US TOGETHER BAD-MOUTHING OTHER PEOPLE’S ROMANCE SO WE CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT OUR OWN LACKING QUADRANTS?

CA: what are you talkin about

CG: WE DID THIS ALL THE TIME.

CA: not this again

CG: ALRIGHT DOUCHEBAG, BE THAT WAY.

CG: EVEN *YOUR* STUBBORN THINK PAN WILL GET IT EVENTUALLY.

CA: what were you doin here anyways

CG: INVESTIGATING.

CA: ugh i just know its because of you guys im seein these white thins everywhere now

CG: WHAT?

CA: nothin

CA: just stay away from me and rox

CG: ALRIGHT FINE, YOU POSSESSIVE PIECE OF SHIT. I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE SHE WILLINGLY HANGS OUT WITH YOU.

CG: YOU’RE LUCKY SHE’S DRUNK ALL THE TIME.

CA: shut up

CG: HONESTLY. I’M IN AWE.

CA: hey

CG: WHAT?

CA: i said shut the fuck up

CG: UH

 

caesarAugustus blocked carcinoGeneticist.

 

CG: HEY!

 

000

 

“ALRIGHT.” Karkat sat on the wall and glanced around at the two trolls next to him. “DO BOTH YOU BULGESUCKERS KNOW THE PLAN?”

“we’re kiidnappiing ed agaiin.”

“1 THOUGHT W3 W3R3 G3TT1NG MOR3 COOL OUTF1TS.”

“WHAT?!” He turned toward Sollux, “NO.” He twisted around to face Terezi. “AND NO! WE’RE TRYING TO SEE WHAT’S ABOVE THE FOURTH FLOOR.”

“WH4T? WHY 4R3 W3 TRY1NG TO DO TH4T?”

“2o we’re leaviing ed here?”

“UNLESS YOU HAVE FOUND SOME NEW METHOD OF CONVINCING HIM, YES.”

“okay ii’m fiine wiith that.”

“1 W4NT 4 R3D OUTF1T.”

“GODDAMNIT TEREZI. WOULD YOU JUST-HUH?” He squinted up at the sky. “HANG ON. DO YOU GUYS SEE THAT?”

“OF COURS3 NOT, M34N13.”

“OR SMELL! WHATEVER!” He pointed at the object floating up in the night sky. Terezi sniffed in the direction while Sollux squinted and adjusted his glasses.

“MM! 1T’S BR1GHT Y3LLOW! T4STY!”

“ii2 that a giirl?”

“40 FEET IN THE AIR?!”

 

000

 

Eridan lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He was experiencing some wicked insomnia. And by insomnia, he actually meant he didn’t feel like falling asleep with one of those **things** floating around his room. He turned on his side to glare at the vision. It was translucent and flickered in and out of being, but it was still there. He didn’t care if it wasn’t real. He wasn’t going to get any sleep around it, and those pills had done jack shit.

It suddenly turned to face him, as if aware of his attention. He stiffened, but tried to look unafraid.

 _“prince”_ He shuddered and crammed his pillow over his ears. As usual, it didn’t help. He hated the breathy whispering they spoke in. He also hated the title they called him by, since it was obviously a manifestation of his pathetic dreams.

“okay is there any wway i can get you to go awway” He felt ridiculous talking to a hallucination, but desperation did that. The creature swirled around, phasing in and out of the ceiling.

 _“we are manifestations of the prince”_ He sat up, feet hanging over the edge of the raised bed.

“yeah i get that your some hallucinations im just wwondering if you can at least come when i aint tryin ta sleep i got a history test tomorrow” It twisted around to look at him again and for a second its flickering stopped.

_“you will be as great as the leaders you study”_

“okay just shut up my ambitions aint got anythin ta do wwith you” He hopped off the bed and headed for the window. He yanked it open. Maybe some fresh air would clear his head.

 _“the fresh air will clear your head”_ He whirled around to glare at it.

“ **stop** doin that” He growled, rubbing his head. “evven if you are figments a my imagination i dont like ya gettin inta my head”

He turned and glared out into the darkness, hoping if he distracted himself it would go away. Surprisingly, its creepy voice vanished. He relaxed a bit and focused on the inky darkness. Unfortunately he started to see things out **there** too. He was just about to slam the window closed when he realized it didn’t look like his usual visions. He grabbed his glasses off the bedside table and squinted out into the darkness.

 _“wwhat the hell”_ He stared at the figure for several more seconds, then took out his phone.

 

caesarAugustus began pestering tipsyGnostalgic.

 

CA: rox are you awake

 

_“she is awake”_

“shut up” His phone dinged a response.

 

TG: eri?

TG: omg its liek 2sm

TG: *am

TG: wats up

CA: okay look out the window

CA: at the space house

CA: do you see anythin weird

TG: uh hgan on

TG: *hang

TG: wat is dat a balloon?

CA: im a little closer to me it looks like a girl

TG: a gurl

TG: but shes floatin

CA: yeah no shit

CA: what the hell

TG: hang on ill look through a scope

TG: omg eri its totes a girl

CA: what is this some prank

TG: imma check it out

CA: what

 

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering caesarAugustus.

 

CA: rox wait im comin to

 

000

 

Karkat ran across the lawn, followed by his friends. He stopped suddenly and stared upwards. It was definitely a girl. She was wearing a bright yellow nightgown, and appeared to be sleeping despite the circumstances. His eyes narrowed. She looked familiar.

“JADE?!” He called up to her, “HEY! JADE HUMAN! IS THAT YOU?!”

“you guys” He turned around. Eridan was stalking toward them. “wwhat the hell are you doin **noww** ” He raised his hands and shrugged.

“HEY, DON’T LOOK AT US! WE WERE JUST WONDERING WHAT THE FUCK THIS HUMAN WAS DOING 40 FEET OFF THE GROUND!”

“If I Had To Form A Hypothesis” Kanaya joined them, walking out of the nearby building. “She Floated Out Of The Window Of Her Respiteblock” Eridan gave her a suspicious look.

“do you **sleep** wwith that make up on” She tapped the bracelet on her wrist, turning back into a human.

“Is This Better”

“wwhat the”

“heeey!” Roxy joined them, peering up at the floating girl. “whoa major sleepwalkin”

“IS THIS NORMAL?”

“um maybe? ive herd some weird rumors but this is the first time ive seen anythin weird”

“REALLY.” He turned to face Eridan, “YOU CAN’T SAY THERE IS NOTHING WRONG ABOUT THIS SCHOOL NOW.” The student glared at him.

“im sure theres a logical explanation”

“We Cannot Simply Leave Her Up There”

“YEAH.” Karkat nudged Sollux, “HEY. YOU’RE UP.”

“2eriiou2ly?”

“JUST GET HER DOWN BEFORE SHE FALLS.”

“fiine calm down.” He spread his arms, rising up into the air. Roxy blinked.

“whoa 3d dude can fly”

“this has to be a dream” Eridan turned around and covered his ears. “im dreamin or hallucinatin or wwhatevver”

“OKAY. CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP?”

Sollux hovered next to the unconscious girl. “hey.” He hesitantly reached out to tap her shoulder. Upon contact she dropped. “fuck!”

“WHAT?!” Karkat scrambled forward. The yellow-clad girl tumbled into his arms, the weight throwing his face right into the grass.

“OH FUCK!” He spat out bits of dirt and plant. “WHY THE FUCK ARE HUMANS SO HEAVY!?” Kanaya leaned over to examine her.

“She Is Quite A Weighty Sleeper At Least” She helped lift her off the troll while Sollux landed.

“2orry.” Karkat shoved himself up.

“GREAT GOING, IDIOT!” Eridan crossed his arms.

“okay so wwhat are you guys doin here” He glared back at him, brushing off pieces of grass.

“APPARENTLY WE ARE SAVING FEMALE HUMANS IN YELLOW DRESSES FROM FLOATING OUT OF WINDOWS.” He gave him and Roxy a bewildered look. “WAIT, ARE YOU GUYS ACTUALLY WEARING MATCHING PAJAMAS?” They glanced down at the similar purple outfits.

“oh nah these are just given to us by the school”

“yeah they got a ton a styles but only twwo colors” He grimaced and gestured to Jade, “a course i chose vviolet ovver that garish color”

Kanaya lifted Jade up into her arms. “I Shall Bring Jade Back To Her Respiteblock.”

“im comin” She cocked an eyebrow at him.

“I Would Appriciate The Gesture If I Was Not Aware That It Stemmed Directly From Your Suspicion Of Us” Roxy yawned, stretching.

“ill come too i guess. howre we gonna get her door open?”

 

000

 

“mm…” Jade felt someone gently shaking her shoulder and opened her eyes. “huh?” She sat up and realized she wasn’t in her room. Instead she was on a nest of spare blankets in the ground. Kanaya was sitting beside her.

“Oh Good I Was Worried It Would Not Be Possible To Awaken You”

“kanaya?” She looked around, “am i in your room?”

“Yes You Were Found” She paused, “Wandering Around The Premises Of The School In Your Sleep You Could Not Be Awoken And The Door To Your Room Was Locked So I Put You Up In Here For The Night”

“oooh!” She knocked herself on the head, “im so sorry! i sleepwalk a lot. ive been doing it for ages and i often end up in some pretty weird places! once i was on the roof!”

“Really” She took her glasses out of her sylladex.

“yeah” She yawned, “i have such nice dreams though. i dream im flying a lot. anyways, sorry to bother you like that!” She checked the clock on the wall. “oh no! ive got to get ready!” She got up, brushing herself off. “good thing i keep my dorm key in my sylladex.”

“Jade” She glanced up at her.

“huh?”

“Do You Recall Anything Strange About Last Night” She cocked her head to the side.

“uh no? why?” The other nodded faintly.

“Oh No Reason I Was Just Wondering” She coughed lightly, “Sleepwalking Is An Interesting Phenomenon To Me”

“uh okay.”

 

000

 

Eridan yawned, tromping up the stairs to his dorm. He took a sip of the coffee he’d bought. Predictably he had gotten very little sleep last night, so he was planning to use his free block to take a nap.

He shuffled over to the room door marked “311” and shoved his key in the lock. He twisted the knob and flung it open, then nearly dropped his cup in shock.

“WHERE THE FUCK DOES HE EVEN GET THESE THINGS?”

“Hey!” Vriska jabbed Karkat in the side, drawing his attention away from the wizard figurine he was holding.

“OH FUCK. UH, WHY AREN’T YOU IN CLASS?” The other stared at him, then at Vriska, then at the open window he was sure he’d left closed and locked, then at the pile of stuff that had been on his desk which was now on the floor.

“wwhat” Karkat put the statue back on the desk. “wwhat the **hell** are you doin in my room”

“IS THERE A RIGHT ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION?”

“no” He moved away from the door and pointed out into the hallway. “get out”

“HANG ON. WE HAD SOME STUFF TO ASK YOU.”

“i dont care get out” He groaned, leaning against the bedside table. “god fuckin dammit theyre back”

“Who’s 8ack?”

“none a your business” He grabbed one of the bottles of pills off his bedside table and tapped one out. Karkat swatted them out of his hand. “hey”

“DON’T EAT THOSE YOU IDIOT!”

“oh my god are you serious” He bent down to pick them up, “its cause a you im goin crazy”

“NO!” He scooped them up and hurled them out the window. “THEY’RE POISONING YOUR THINK PAN! OR WHATEVER POOR EXCUSE YOU HAVE FOR ONE. LOOK AT ALL THIS!” He threw his arm out at the room. “THE WIZARDS AND SHIT IS FINE. BUT WHAT’S ALL THIS SCHOOL STUFF? HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW HYPNOTIZED YOU ARE??” He yanked a book out of the shelf, making a few others fall out with it, “LOOK AT THIS SHIT!” He squinted at the cover, “MAH-CHI-AVE-LEE? WHAT WEIRD CODE IS THAT?” He snatched the book out of his grip.

“thats machiavelli you dimwwit”

“THAT SOUNDS EVEN WEIRDER!”

“showw some goddamn respect wwhy dont ya” Eridan leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. “god wwhy the hell do you hate me so much”

“WE ARE TRYING TO *SAVE* YOU.”

“from wwhat” He took another sip of coffee and gestured to the mess on his floor. “the shit on my desk some a wwhich wwas **fragile** ”

“WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?”

“coffee you knoww since i didnt havve a vvery restful night” He walked over and started to put his stuff back on the desk. He growled at another wizard statue. An arm had broken off.

“WHERE DID YOU GET IT?”

“school café wwhy-” Karkat yanked it out of his grip and tossed it out the window.

“DON’T DRINK THAT SHIT EITHER!” Eridan leaned out the window. His eyes widened.

“oh fuck hey mee heads up” An angry call answered him.

“)(-EY FIS)(BAIT YOU WANNA DI-E”

“wwasnt me” He called back, then turned to glare at his intruders. “okay im serious beat it”

“ALRIGHT FINE! YOU OBVIOUSLY AREN’T IN THE MOOD TO BE CIVIL. AS USUAL.”

“wwell sorry i didnt offer you some goddamn tea” He shooed them out and slammed the door behind them. He leaned against the wood and sighed heavily.

_“they will not return”_

“shut up god wwhere did my pills land”

Karkat and Vriska tromped out of the dorm.

“WELL THAT DIDN’T WORK.” Vriska shrugged.

“Hey at least we got some loot.”

“LOOT? WHAT LOOT? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU STEAL??”

“Pssh.” She rolled a gold ring across her fingers. “He’s got a ton he won’t miss it.”

“hey” They looked up as some girl stomped up to them. She was wearing the Life House uniform and had two incredibly long braids of hair that trailed behind her. She was also dripping with some brown liquid and holding the crumpled remains a familiar coffee cup. “yo you suckas got any idea how dis fin ended up on my head”

“UH.” Karkat gave her a wary look, “NO.”

“oh yeah” She hurled it at them, “you lil crabs think ya can get awave wi dis huh” She drew a large golden trident out of her strife deck. “imma poke you suckas full a holes”

“HEY WAIT. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?”

“huh” She glanced down at the weapon, “what mah trident ive alwaves had it pure gold tanks for axing” Vriska smirked.

“Not 8ad.” She returned the smile with a grin and spun it.

“hey tanks lil fish tho dont think havin a good eye and hookin pike mah frond is gonna save ya from some holes” She pointed it at them again, “you guppies are gunna be skewered by none other than tha infamous meenah peixes”

“OH MY GOD.” Karkat stared at her in disbelief. “A GOLD TRIDENT? FISH PUNS? PEIXES? YOU ARE LITERALLY LIKE SOME ALTERNATE VERSION OF FEFERI OR SOMETHING.” She frowned, lowering her weapon.

“hey you guppies know that feffy girl”

“YEAH, WHY?” She snarled, stabbing the trident into the soft earth.

“i )(AT-ED that beach she cramped and guppied my style like nofin else” She pouted, “whale i dunno i guess i didnt )(AT-E hate her somefin bout her just made me wanna stab her ya know”

“UH. NO.”

“whatevs” She lunged forward. Vriska swooped in, jabbing her arm in-between the spikes to stop the blow.

“Ha! You’re going to have to do 8etter than that!”

“OH JESUS FUCK.” Karkat waved his hands, debating risking his life to stop them. “HEY! WE DON’T WANT A FIGHT HERE!”

“little late for that fishie” She jumped back, “least yer frond is more-”

*TW333333T!*

“oh carp” She nearly dropped her fork. A couple of figures were heading toward them. Karkat recognized the dark green and aqua uniforms. “fuckin dammit pryrope” She put her weapon away and jabbed a finger at them. “we aint done here hey serket hook-a-pike meet me behind tha life house 7 o clock” She turned and bolted off.

“Hey! Make it 8!” She received a thumbs-up conformation from the fleeing girl.

“VRISKA!” She shrugged.

“Come on “fearless leader,” let’s get outta here!”

 

000

 

timaeusTestified began pestering centaursTesticle.

 

TT: Hey

CT: D--> Can I help you

TT: Wow, I was absolutely sure you were telling me to go fuck myself when you said this was your chum handle.

CT: D--> Oh, you must be the blond human from the club

CT: D--> Please refrain from such 100d language

CT: D--> What do you mean about my handle

CT: D--> It is a very noble title

TT: Sure dude.

TT: So I just wanted to ask you some things.

CT: D--> What

TT: You said your name was Equius, right?

CT: D--> That is correct. My name is Equius Zahhak

TT: Right, so I’m going to get right to the point.

TT: I searched through some files and there is no one named Equius in the Void House, or in any part of this school.

TT: Also, you were wearing a holographic disguise, just like the other two I saw you talking with.

CT: D--> Uh

TT: Sweating yet?

CT: D--> How did you know about my sweating

TT: Chill dude. I just want to know what you guys are after.

CT: D--> That is not public information

TT: That was not a fucking question.

CT: D--> Oh

CT: D--> Was it

CT: D--> A demand

TT: I suppose, but not in a hostile way. I just kind of want to know why you guys keep sneaking in.

CT: D--> Very well

CT: D--> E%use me while I get a towel

TT: Uh, sure, I guess.

CT: D--> I hoove returned

CT: D--> I suppose our mission has broadened somewhat

CT: D--> Initially it was to recover our missing comrades

CT: D--> My moirail included

TT: So you mean Feferi Peixes and Nepeta Leijon. They both entered in the middle of the year.

TT: What about Eridan?

CT: D--> Him as well

CT: D--> Though he has been…difficult

TT: Noted.

CT: D--> We hoove since then been gathering information about the institution to understand why they chose to a-tack us in the first place and if they will continue to be a threat

TT: Alright then.

CT: D--> So far the results hoove bekwfl

TT: Sorry, what?

CT: WHAT THE HELL?? HAS EQUIUS BEEN SPILLING HIS GUTS TO ANOTHER ONE? GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.

TT: What happened to watching the language?

CT: ALRIGHT, ATTENTION RANDOM DOUCHEBAG. YOU HAVE STUMBLED ACROSS THE HANDLE OF A HIGHLY DELUSIONAL BEING WHO MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. PLEASE DISREGARD WHATEVER CRAP HE WAS SAYING.

CT: D--> Mutant I demand you get away from my keyboard and stop pol100ting my noble lettering with your foul language

CT: slakjfew

CT: LSDFJILS

TT: Uh.

 

centaursTesticle’s keyboard broke in half.

 

TT: Wow.

 

carcinoGeneticist began pestering timaeusTestified.

 

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST TRIED TO FIGHT EQUIUS FOR SOMETHING. I’M LUCKY I STILL HAVE BOTH MY HANDS.

CG: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

TT: The name’s Dirk. I think we met once, if you’re that Karkat guy.

TT: Just a guess.

CG: ALRIGHT DIRK. FORGET YOU EVER SAW ANY OF US.

TT: Calm down, dude. I’m not here to cause trouble.

CG: REALLY? THAT’S AN INTERESTING CLAIM, CONSIDERING YOU HAVE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO DELIVER SOME HAND-PICKED RIPE SHIT RIGHT INTO MY PROTEIN CHUTE.

TT: Hey just chill the fuck out for a second. I think we can help each other.

CG: WHAT? HOW??

TT: I’ve been at this school for a pretty long time myself, and I can tell something just isn’t right about the place.

TT: I’ve been doing some research on my own. How about some info trading?

CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS? I’M NOT SURE I CAN TRUST YOU ON THAT.

CG: IT SEEMS THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR SPECIES IS TOO STUPID TO SEE WHAT’S GOING ON RIGHT UNDER YOUR OLFACTORY LUMPS.

TT: Hey, I’m not asking for you to throw your trust at me. We’d just say what we know and you can decide whether you think I’m bullshitting you or not.

TT: Do we have a deal?

CG: WE’LL SEE. I’M STILL NOT CONVINCED YOU AREN’T WORKING FOR THE SCHOOL.

TT: That’s cool with me. It means you aren’t stupid.

TT: I’ll give you some time to think about it.

TT: By the way, Ampora didn’t appreciate your message so much.

CG: THAT IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING I HAVE HEARD ALL DAY.

TT: Whatever.

 

timaeusTestified ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist.

 

“Heeeeeeeey losers!” Karkat looked up as Vriska sauntered in. Her hair had been transformed into a mess of long braids and she had her school jacket slung over her shoulder.

“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T GO TO MEET THAT PSYCHO FEFERI DOUBLE.”

“Of course I did! I couldn’t leave her w8ing like that.” She glanced with curiousity over at Equius, who was trying to fix his keyboard, then shrugged. “She’s actually pretty cool and stuff so we 8asically just ended up hanging out and talking.”

“IT’S NICE TO KNOW ALL MY TEAMMATES ARE OFF HAVING FUN AT THE IFFY SCHOOL AND MAKING FRIENDS. AT LEAST TELL ME YOU GOT SOME INFORMATION OUT OF HER.”

“Well she did go on a 8it a8out how school was such a drag, 8ut she’s not 8ig on details like Aranea.”

“ALRIGHT FINE GO HANG OUT WITH YOUR CRAZY TRIDENT FRIEND JUST TRY NOT TO LET SLIP THE FACT THAT WE AREN’T HUMAN, OKAY?”

“Oh, are we still keeping that a secret?”

“GODDAMNIT!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 6
> 
> Karkat and Eridan talked a lot about romantic gossip. Karkat is somewhat hurt by Eridan's reaction, but he'd rather eat broken glass than admit it.  
> Good job Eridan yelling at the things in your head to stop looking at the things in your head.  
> (pssst by the way his room number is 311. Anyone catch that?)
> 
> Machiavelli is the Italian writer who wrote "The Prince". Which provides advice on how to rule with cunning and without letting morals get in the way. Eridan wrote a report on it last month and got an A.
> 
> The pajamas are, of course, the Derse and Prospit clothing. Imagine wonderful silky material.
> 
> Haha I snuck in a JadeKat moment.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which angels are annoying, people come to realizations, and Karkat is maced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things happen. Rosemary happens. A little DirkJake happens. But there is a disturbing lack of EriRox, which makes me sad. Oh and blah blah plot things too.

 

_“prince”_

“shut up”

_“you will be strong”_

“seriously go awway all a you”

_“you will learn to accept us”_

“like hell i wwill” He tried to discreetly wave them off. There were at least three of them accompanying him in his walk back to the dorms. They were still translucent and flickered, which made him hope he was starting to get better at blocking them out.

_“we are no threat to you”_

“okay wwere gonna play the quiet game it invvolves not talkin especially not sayin stuff based on wwhat im thinkin”

_“we will be silent”_

_“we will ignore you”_ He glared at them.

“you guys cant evven agree with yourselvves wwoww”

He rubbed his head and continued his tromp to the room, planning to take another dose of medicine.

 _“she will come back”_ He smaked his fist against his temple, knocking his glasses loose.

“wwhat did i say about gettin inta my head”

_“you will impress her”_

“okay shut up this is makin me really uncomfortable”

_“she will be your princess”_

“i am seriously contemplating bangin my head against the wwall to make you go awway or at the vvery least hopefully ill get a **different** hallucination” One flew out into his path to face him, blocking the entrance.

_“it wont help”_

“ugh” He threw his hands into the air. “wwhat the hell do you wwant from me besides to make my life a livvin hell wwhich is apparently some sorta fad noww” It stared back at him.

_“we can help you”_

“yeah okay that” He pointed at it, “its that kinda freaky shit that makes me think you wwanna kill me” The creature suddenly hissed and lunged at him. He yelped, scrambling to the side. Before he could contemplate how stupid he must look he ran off, dodging around the corner of the building. His heels skidded into the ground.

Jake was leaning against the wall, smiling as he stared up at the sky. Around him were at least five of those… **things**. They were perfectly solid as they swirled around his figure, and there were more than he had ever seen at once. He leaned against the wall, feeling a bit sick. He briefly worried for the idiot before reminding himself that a. he hated him and b. they weren’t real.

“I had a history test today.” Eridan frowned and steadied himself against a windowsill. He was unsure if he was the one being addressed since Jake hadn’t made any moves to acknowledge him.

_“Im sure you did well.”_

_“You did wonderfully.”_ Jake laughed.

“You think so? Golly i had completely forgotten about it! But im sure itll turn out fine” The creatures swirled around him, agreeing in a ghostly chorus. One of them butted against his shoulder. He grinned and turned to stroke his head, then suddenly realized the other student beside him. “Eridan?!” The other continued to gape at him, one hand still clenched on the windowsill. He laughed nervously and retracted his hand in an attempt to make it look like a casual action. “W-Well i do say old chap i never figured you as one to be talented at sneaking around! You seem to have caught me talking to myself. How embarrassing! Its just a little thing i…mr ampora?” He tilted to the side, “Are you quite alright?” One of the creatures rested its head on his shoulder to peer at Eridan, making him stiffen.

_“He sees us.”_

“Eh?” He turned his head to look at it, then faced Eridan again, surprised curiosity in his eyes. He lightly rested his hand on the creature’s head. “Mr eridan can you see them?”

“holy fuck” He slumped against the wall, staring at him in disbelief. “no wway”

“You CAN cant you?” His face broke into a wide grin. “Thats a downright joy! Oh!” He pointed behind him. “Are those yours?” He flattened himself against the wall, having forgotten about the flickering specters of his own. “Hm theyre a smidgen transparent are they sick?”

“howw should i knoww” He gagged, “if you can see them too its just one more thing ta hate about these thins they said other people get em but wwhy the fuck can i see yours” He laughed and shrugged.

“Search me! Occasionally i run into a chap or two who can see them as well. I guess its up to the angels themselves.”

“angels” The boy turned to pet one that was nuzzling his shoulder.

“Oh yes! Thats what i call them. Theyve been with me for so long now and theyre all such wonderful chaps. What do you call them?”

“hallucinations” He growled, “terrifyin thins created by stress that wont leavve me alone”

“Dont have such tight britches!” He gestured to them, inviting them to join. “Theyre really all good chaps and theyve been so heartening.” One swirled around his legs.

_“You are a wonderful person!”_

“oh my god” He crossed his arms, “you know all the shit they say doesnt actually mean anythin”

“Sometimes it does!” He protested, patting it on the head, “And the rest of the time its nice to have the encouragement.”

“encouragement” He huffed, throwing his hand up, “wwell maybe yours are adorable little pets but mine dont say anythin comfortin and theyll randomly attack me” He gave him a puzzled frown.

“How strange! Maybe you just arent understanding them right.”

“i understand them just fine they aint anythin real” He scowled at him. “an if you like them so much you can havve mine” He received another barrage of cheerful laughter.

“I dont think it works like that!”

“a course it doesnt thatd be too good” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “god im gettin outta here before this gets any wworse im not evven sure thats possible”

_“it is”_

_“it isnt”_ Eridan gave them a sharp hiss to try and scare them off. Jake cocked his head to the side.

“Theyre a little confused are you sure they arent under the weather or some other hogwash?”

“if the figments a my mind are sick then ive got a lot a problems” He growled, stalking away.

He kicked open the door to the dorm, earning a few looks from some other students. They knew better than to try to talk to him with **that** look on though.

Unfortunately hostile auras didn’t work through the phone, and he got a text just as he was closing the door to his room behind him.

 

timaeusTestified began pestering caligulasAquarium.

 

TT: Hey. What’s up?

CA: what the fuck do you want

TT: I was just wondering if you’d seen Jake around the Hope Dorm.

TT: He wasn’t answering his phone so I was a little worried. There’s nothing going on there, is there?

CA: when the fuck does anything ever happen here

TT: So he’s not around?

CA: hes chatting with his wonderful little angel friends

TT: He told you about those?

CA: sure he had to have some reason why he was talkin to himself

CA: why were you so worried about him

TT: I was just wondering.

CA: wow clingy much

TT: The day you can call me clingy is the day you actually get some.

CA: okay shut the fuck up right now

CA: just for that im not tellin you where hes hidin

TT: Hey I’m not going to go track him down. I’m okay if he wants some space.

TT: Why, did it seem like he was hiding or something?

CA: wow just

CA: bye

 

caligulasAquarium ceased pestering timaeusTestified.

 

000

 

“Kanaya?” The disguised troll looked up, closing the book on her lap.

“Yes What Is It” Rose sat down next to her.

“Where did you say you were from again?”

“Pakistan” She answered after a beat. Since claiming that country she had even done some research on it. “Though I Have Lived In America For Some Time Now”

“I see.” She cocked her head to the side, scrutinizing her.

“Is Something The Matter”

“No.” She leaned backwards against the wall. “Have you gotten used to our fine school system?”

“I Believe For The Most Part”

“That’s good to hear.” She crossed her arms, “Are you aware that the Spring Festival is coming?” She tilted her head to the side.

“I Recall Hearing Mentions Of It Though I Am Not Sure What Exactly It Entails”

“It’s fairly entertaining for some shallow flashy spectacle. Most of the clubs and homerooms will be doing something. There will be a few interesting events.” She sighed, “I have actually been chosen to represent the Light House in one of them.”

“Really”

“Yes, but it shouldn’t take up all my time.” She offered her that familiar half-smile. “If you want, maybe we can see some of the attractions together.” She returned it with her own reserved smirk, then glanced down at her lap and closed her eyes.

“Perhaps I Will Take You Up On That Offer”

“Well then. I shall be waiting with baited breath.” The smile faded into a more neutral tone. “Kanaya.”

“Yes”

“Are you hiding something?” Her head jerked up to look at her. A telltale pause passed before she could answer.

“Is There A Particular Thing You Were Alluding To” The blonde girl folded her hands neatly in her lap, returning the gaze.

“Is there a particular thing I should be?”

“Is That Question Simply The Previous Question In A Reworded Form” They stared at each other for several seconds. Kanaya crossed her arms.

“The Quick Change In Tone Of The Conversation Was A Clever Tool To Lower My Guard Am I To Expect That It Was Just That And Nothing More” She shook her head.

“I was serious, but I also can’t shake the feeling you’re hiding something.”

“Does Part Of Your Culture Involve Revealing All Aspects Of Ones Being To Anyone”

“It isn’t.” She rested her head against the wall, staring off to the side. “I suppose it would be rather rude to ask you to open up to an anybody.”

“Oh” The grip tightened on her book, “My Apologies I Did Not Mean To Imply An Unnecessarily Large Distance You Have Been Very Kind To Me And I Enjoy Talking With You”

“I understand. Everyone has secrets. Perhaps I’m just being suspicious.”

“Rose” She ran her finger over the cover, “You Seem Like A Very Intelligent Girl”

“Thank you.”

“Have You Every Suspected Anything Strange About Your School”

“Strange?” She cupped her chin in her hand, “I suppose here and there. Most of the staff is unusually happy, but I always attributed it to my tendency to overanalyze and less than cheerful personality.”

“Rose” She clasped the book to her chest and stood up, turning to face her. “Do You Believe In Aliens” The other cocked an eyebrow at her.

“Well, I don’t have any evidence against them, I suppose.”

Kanaya scanned the area, then focused on the ground between them.

“I Believe If You Did Not Find My Previous Response Too Discourteous I Would Like To Show You Something” She rubbed her arm, staring at the dark human skin, “I Am Not Sure If You Will Believe It Or If You Do You Will Still Wish To Speak With Me But I Suppose I Should At Least Show You”

“Well then.” She stood up as well, “This has certainly piqued my curiousity.”

“If It Is Not Too Much Trouble I Would Not Like To Be Within The View Of The School Is This A Problem”

“Not particulry, no. Before we go though, I do have one question.” She pointed at the book. “Are you reading Twilight?” She blinked and glanced down at the book.

“Yes There Is A Similar Genre Where I Am From”

“Is this still Pakistan?”

“No”

 

000

 

“9h hell9 again. Karkat, was it?”

“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.” The troll looked around wildly for a place to hide but it was too late. The student stepped firmly in his path. How did he miss him with that bright red knit sweater? “UH, I’M REALLY BUSY. CAN’T TALK. OR LISTEN.” He cocked his head to the side.

“9h my mistake it seemed y9u were simply having a pleasant str9ll regardless we can walk and talk I had s9me things I still wanted t9 discuss with y9u.”

“OH *HELL* NO.” He hissed under his breath, turning and starting to almost run in the other direction. Kankri blinked, then broke into a run after him.

“I can’t help 6ut n9tice y9u have changed directi9ns since meeting with me I assure y9u we can c9ntinue in the path y9u were 9riginally headed in unless f9r s9me reas9n y9u have a ph96ia 9f…” He did his best to tune out the mess of words while madly looking out for an escape route. He doubted the little brat could handle some risky parkour, but then again, neither could he. Still, it’s not like he would have to be jumping around platforms floating in lava; a simple fence might be enough.

“Excuse me it is rather hard t9 have an intelligent discussi9n when the sec9nd mem6er seems t9 6e fleeing in the 9ther directi9n as if they have enc9untered a particulary triggering event. Is s9mething a69ut my appearance triggering y9u?” Karkat hissed in frustration, whirling to face him. The other skidded to a stop rather quickly.

“SERIOUSLY, DO YOU HAVE AN OFF SWITCH OR SOMETHING??” He threw his arms up in frustration. Kankri cocked his head to the side.

“9h, is that a fitness 6racelet?”

“HUH?” He glanced down at the black bracelet. “UH,” The other crossed his arms.

“If y9u were trying t9 fill a certain step g9al y9u c9uld have said s9. This is exactly why 9ne sh9uld 6e 9pen t9 c9mmunicati9n.”

“HEY ASSHOLE.” Karkat looked around, checking to make sure there was no one else around.

“Are y9u referring t9 me?”

“YEAH.” He smacked the bracelet and turned back into a troll. He fixed his bright red eyes on the other. “BOO.”

“…9h.” He stared at him up and down. He certainly seemed surprised, but it wasn’t the horrified terror accompanied by rapid fleeing that the troll had been looking for. At least it shut him up for a few seconds. “…That…If you d9n’t mind me asking, d9 y9u usually l99k like this?”

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? I THOUGHT YOU’D WET YOUR PANTS!”

“9h n9…” He pressed his fist to his mouth thoughtfully, “It’s quite all right if y9u want t9 l99k like that. I am highly acc9mmodating but…” He rubbed his head, “Yes, it is quite all right if y9u wish t9 6e like that. I will try my 6est t9 ackn9wledge y9ur sensitivities. D9 y9u have any m9re?”

“YOU HAVE *GOT* TO BE KIDDING ME.”

“F9r instance,” He looked back up at him, “W9uld 9ne 9f y9ur triggers be a pail?”

“WHAT?” He gaped at him, then his eyes narrowed. “OH RIGHT. YOU POPPED UP RIGHT AFTER ERIDAN DID *THAT*.” Kankri nodded and pressed his hand to his chest.

“It’s quite alright. I myself have taken a v9w of celibacy…Hm?” He frowned and lowered his head, “9h…”

“YEAH THAT’S GREAT BUT-WAIT, WHAT?” He leaned forward to squint at him, “I THOUGHT PAILS WEREN’T ANYTHING SEXUAL TO HUMANS.”

“They are n9t.” He answered quickly, “6ut…” He slowly turned away and rubbed his forehead, falling deep into thought. “…In the case of a n9n-human race in which repr9ducti9n t99k 9n the f9rm 9f multic9l9red genetic material…” Karkat growled.

“GODDAMMIT. WHO TOLD YOU-”

“In which…” He examined his fingers, having completely forgotten the other was there. “A mutation 9f bright red bl99d w9uld 9pen a unique viewp9int t9 the injustice 9f class-”

“WAIT, *WHAT*??” He yanked on his sleeve to make him face him again. The other reacted immediately, yanking his red sweater out of his grip.

“D9n’t t9uch me please!” He blinked slowly, “9h, I’m s9rry. I was just…reminded 9f s9mething.”

“REMINDED OF WHAT?” He glared at him, “HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY BLOOD?” He shook his head.

“I’m s9rry. My musings were n9t c9nnected t9 y9u. Y9ur appearance triggered some private th9ughts 9f mine.” He crossed his arms, staring at the ground, “…I’m s9rry. I need to g9 think f9r s9me time. Perhaps an9ther time let us c9ntinue 9ur discussi9n.” He turned and started to walk away. Karkat stared after him, bit his lip, then hissed some swear and ran after him.

“HEY! WAIT A SECOND! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT STUFF?” He grabbed his shoulder. Kankri made a small squeak and tried to break free.

“Please respect my pers9nal b9undaries!” He yelped loudly. The troll cocked his eyesbrow at him, but kept his hold.

“WHAT’S WITH YOU?”

“If y9u d9 n9t release me I will defend myself!” He curled his lip in disgust.

“I AM SURE THE ONLY HARMFUL ACTION YOU ARE CAPABLE OF IS WITH YOUR EVER-RUNNING PROTEIN CHUTE. THAT STUFF YOU SAID ABOUT RED BLOOD. HOW-” He paused as the other took out a small spray bottle, “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?”

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling caesarAugustus.

 

CG: 4LR1GHT SO 1 NOW KNOW WH4T YOU M34NT BY H4V1NG M4C3.

CG: 1 4M CURR3NTLY LY1NG ON TH3 SOF4 W1TH MY 3Y3S 3XP3R1ENC1NG TH3 FL4M3S OF 4 M1LL1ON SUNS 4LL GO1NG SUP3RNOV4 FROM UND3R 4 D4MP 1TCHY B4ND4G3.

CA: you deserved it

CG: DU3 TO TH1S, T3R3Z1 1S WR1T1NG FOR M3. SH3 PROB4BLY 3VEN CH4NG3D TH3 T3XT TO SOM3 H1D3OUSLY BR1GHT COLOR.

CG: GR34T 1D34 K4RK4T! >:]

CG: BUT 4T L34ST 1T’S NOT SUPPOS3D TO B3 P3RM4N3NT, SO 1 H4V3 D3C1D3D TO B3 4N UTT3R GRUMPY-NUBS 4ND R3J3CT H3R G3N3ROUS OFF3R TO T34CH M3 TH3 D3L1C1OUS WORLD OF T4ST1NG COLORS.

CA: uh okay whatever

CA: why are you tellin me this

CG: 1 W4NT TO KNOW 4BOUT TH4T GUY FROM TH3 BLOOD HOUS3. TH3 ON3 WHO SP3WS N3V3R3ND1NG DR4BBL3 FROM H1S SMUG L1TTL3 PROT31N CHUT3. HOW LONG H4S H3 B33N H3R3?

CA: i dunno longer than me

CG: 1S TH3R3 4NYTH1NG W31RD 4BOUT H1M?

CA: this is a trap right

CA: you wanna get me to say somethin offensive and tell him for revenge

CG: NO YOU MORON. 1 W4NT TO KNOW HOW H3 KNOWS 4BOUT TH3 TROLLS.

CA: how should i know

CA: hey heres an idea how about i give you his handle so you guys can chat all you want

CG: B3C4US3 1’D R4TH3R NOT H4V3 D1R3CT CONT4CT W1TH H1M.

CA: i can give him your handle

CG: YOU WOULDN’T.

CA: ya think i wont

CG: OK4Y OK4Y W3’R3 L34V1NG! BY3!

 

carcinoGenticist ceased trolling caesarAugustus.

 

CA: i need a new handle

 

000

 

Kanaya deactivated her bracelet. Her skin flickered back to its typical ashen hue, and her horns regained their visibility. She stared at the ground, feeling her fangs pressing lightly against her lips.

“Well,” Rose’s calm tone pierced the silent air. “That is certainly very interesting.” She looked up.

“Are You Afraid” The human took a small step forward, tilting her head to the side.

“Not really. I’m more curious. You said you were an alien?” She nodded.

“Yes”

“Hm…” She examined her top-to-bottom. Kanaya clasped her hands behind her.

“I Apologize If My True Form Is Disconcerting” Rose glanced back up at her face, then smirked.

“No, you haven’t actually changed that much. I can still tell it’s you.”

“Oh” She rubbed her cheek, “I Am Relieved For That”

“Still,” She crossed her arms and leaned back on one foot, “you realize that I now have an impressive multitude of questions. Would you be opposed to answering at least some of them?”

“I Could Most Likely Answer At Least Some” Rose sat down against one of the trees, motioning for the other to join her.

“Alright. Could you start with some background about your race?”

 

000

 

“How are things going with your visions?”

“fuckin terrible” Eridan leaned back on the sofa and crossed his arms, scowling at the woman at the desk. At least she wasn’t that counselor. “they showw up at the wworst times theyre freaky as hell they wwhisper creepy shit and half the time they try ta kill me”

“Really?” She shuffled through her notes. “They attack you?”

“yeah sometimes”

“When this happens, do you do anything to provoke them?” He threw his hands in the air.

“oh im sorry wwas i **dressin** the wwrong wway howw the hell should i knoww wwhy they wwanna kill me”

“Eridan.” She leaned forward and gave him a calculating look, “These visions are not a new occurance. Others have gotten them.”

“yeah i knoww”

“The best way to deal with the angels is to learn to understand what they want and what they react to. In a way, you would also be understanding yourself.”

“oh right so noww its this look at the crazy angels as a reflection of my own inner turmoil wwait” His eyes narrowed, “wwhyd you call them angels” She blinked.

“Oh, that’s just a term we use for them.”

“did jake tell you that” Her eyebrows went up.

“You spoke with Jake English about these?” He shrugged.

“yeah a little”

“I see.” She typed something out on her computer. “His have never attempted to harm him.”

“yeah wwell hes an impossibly lucky sonnovvabitch” She gave a small forced smile.

“What do the angels say to you?”

“pointless drivvel mostly they contradict themselves all the time and often mutter stuff thats on my mind” He rubbed his head, “they’ll either tell me evverythins gonna be fine or that evverythins gonna fail its annoyin as fuck”

“Have you tried listening to them?” He gaped at her.

“are you serious”

“Completely.” She wound her fingers together on the desk, “These angels are, however unwelcome, manifestations of your being. They react to your thoughts and wishes, and they are what you make of them. If you believe they are friendly, they will be. The same goes for believing they are hostile.” Eridan stared at her for several seconds, then got up. He walked across the room over to one of the walls. She turned in her chair to face him.

“What are you doing?”

“checkin your certificate” He pulled the plaque off the wall and held it up to the light. “looks pretty convvincin for a fake” She gave him an amused smile.

“It’s real.”

“this is some a the wworst bullshit ivve heard an thats sayin somethin” He nearly broke the nail hanging it back up. “so all i gotta do is believve wwhatevver i wwant an suddenly theyll be fun little friends”

“What do they call you?” He blinked.

“wwhat”

“How do they refer to you?” He glanced away.

“if that really important”

“Yes.”

“ugh” He shoved his hands into his pockets, “they call me prince sometimes”

“Sometimes?”

“all the time” She cocked her head to the side,

“Why do you think they do that?” He curled his lip back into a snarl.

“theyre mockin me”

“How is that mocking you?” He shuffled uncomfortably.

“it just is” Her eyes narrowed.

“But why **prince**?”

“wwell **sorry** ” He threw his hands into the air, turning a deep red. “i didnt knoww my owwn privvate yearnins wwere gonna be part a this interrogation” She scrutinized him, then dropped her head down to shuffle her notes.

“Perhaps that was a touchy subject. Now, I understand changing your perception can be hard-”

“this is ridiculous cant you just tell me howw to make them go awway” She pressed her lips together.

“I’m afraid not.”

He faced her squarely, keeping her gaze for half a minute.

“can i go noww or wwhat”

She sighed, shoulders slumping in resignation.

“I suppose that’s all for today. Try to find a way to accept them instead of trying to force them away. Maybe talking to Jake will hel-”

“okay i aint talkin to that douchebag about this” He tossed his hand over his shoulder in a sarchastic wave and strode out the door.

“Don’t forget we have another appointment in two weeks!” She called after him right before the door clicked closed.

Her phone buzzed. She took it out. Someone had messaged her in white text, which was readable against the special background.

 

[Has there been any progress?] 

He is not reacting positively to them.

I will not question your judgement, but his pessimism may hinder his abilities in the Hope aspect.

[ The angels came to him, did they not? He has potential, if he learns to harness it.]

If not then he will go insane.

[I am aware he is at a high risk for that. Unfortunately the amount of time he spends with Roxy Lalonde prevents him from being monitored very effectively.] 

Should we separate them?

[ That would be a far more dangerous course of action.] 

[ Alert me if there are any worrying changes.] 

Understood. Should we at least try to keep him from Kanaya Maryam? She’s still lucid.

[He seems to be doing a fine job of that on his own.] 

[Even if he does remember, everything is under control.] 

Very well.

 

000

 

“THIS IS A BAD IDEA.”

“Calm down. It’ll 8e fine.” Karkat growled as he paced nervously about the living room.

“WHY DID WE HAVE TO INVITE THEM HERE?? WHY NOT MEET THEM IN TOWN OR SOMETHING?”

“It’s a little late for t)(at now! Betides, we can s)(ow w)(o we R—EELY are )(ere!”

“YEAH, SO THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE STABBING.” Karkat’s phone beeped and he took it out. “ALRIGHT, SO APPARENTLY THE ORANGE TEXT GUY ISN’T COMING. SOMETHING ABOUT A DATE WITH HIS MATESPRIT.” Terezi bounced into the room.

“K4N4Y4’S H3R3 W1TH SOM3 HUM4N G1RL!” Validating her claim, the troll appeared in the doorway, accompanied by Rose.

“Hello.” Karkat jerked his hand up in a stiff wave.

“HI. YOU MUST BE ROSE.”

“That is correct. And you are?”

“This Is Karkat” Kanaya gestured to him, then Terezi and the others in the room. “That Is Terezi Feferi Vriska And Tavros The One In The Corner Is Gamzee”

“HeEeEeY!”

“OH MY GOD.” Karkat smacked his palm against his forehead. “WHAT THE HELL IS GAMZEE DOING HERE? SOMEONE PUT HIM WHERE HE WON’T SCARE THE HUMANS.” He stomped over to his moirail and started to drag him over to the door. “GAMZEE. COME ON. LET’S…LET’S GO FIND YOU A TREE TO STARE AT OR SOMETHING.”

“hEy sUrE ThInG BuDdY.”

“Is he okay?”

“Gamzee Has An Interesting Lifestyle Most Of It Revolves Around Drinking Carbonated Corn Syrup And Intoxicating Baked Goods”

“Oh. Don’t you think an intervention might be necessary?”

“It Seems Relatively Harmless So Far”

The doorbell rung. Feferi ran off to answer it.

“)(ey! We’re SO GLAD you could make it!”

“feferi? is that you?”

“hey!”

“sup” Rose blinked and cocked her head to the side.

“Wait, those voices….” Feferi led the three humans into the living room. John’s eyes widened.

“rose! you know about the aliens too?!”

“Yes, John. It would appear so.” Dave dug his hands into his pockets and smirked.

“cant let anything get by lalonde”

“ALRIGHT.” Karkat reappeared minus one clown. “LOOKS LIKE ALL THE HUMAN VISITORS HAVE ARRIVED. MY GREAT IDEA IS THAT WE SKIP ANY POINTLESS INTRODUCTIONS AND FIND OUT NAMES ON YOUR OWN TIME.”

“uh okay” John grinned, “i still cant believe you guys are actually aliens! and to top it off our school is some secret facility?”

“Something has seemed off about it for some time.” Rose pressed her fingers to her lips, “Hm, for a second I wondered if my mother would want to pull me out, then I realized she probably wouldn’t care even on her most sober days.”

“my dad would probably be a little freaked out by this”

“WE CAN DISCUSS THE FAILINGS OF YOUR HUMAN LUSII LATER.” Karkat sat down at the table. “DO ANY OF YOUR WRIGGLERS ACTUALLY KNOW THE MOTIVATIONS OF YOUR SO-CALLED EDUCATIONAL ESTABLISHMENT? ESPECIALLY IN CONCERN TO KIDNAPPING US??”

“Perhaps they simply wanted to boost their foreign student statistics.”

“THAT WAS A STUPID ANSWER.”

“Yes, I am aware.” Feferi leaned against the wall and crossed her arms.

“It’s R-EELY weird. I feel like a bunch of )(orrible stuff )(appened, but I can’t exactly remember w)(at.”

“hey you know what i always thought was kind of weird about this place?” John raised his finger, “the monthy physical checkups”

“what how are those weird”

“we didnt have them at my old school” Karkat’s eyes narrowed.

“WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NEED AN EXAMINATION EVERY MONTH??” Dave shrugged.

“i dunno some school thing” Rose leaned against the wall.

“Is it true other schools don’t have them? Besides John, all of us have been in this school and its elementary counterpart since kindergarten.” Nepeta bounced into the room, followed by Equius.

“:33< *ac remempurrs those!*” She stuck her tongue out, “:33< *she would always feel a little sick afterwards, but she can’t exactly remember what happened!*”

“really? that’s weird. they just take our blood pressure, height, weight, and ask us questions and uh…” Jade gave a puzzled frown, “is there something else besides that? its kind of foggy and sometimes i fall asleep.”

“As do I, occasionally.”

“hey me…too?”

“holy shit have we been being experimented on” He turned to face John. “john you know what this means right”

“what?”

“this is the perfect excuse to skip any time we want”

“dave!” He rolled his eyes, “i think it means we have to **do** something about it!”

“Something?” Rose crossed her arms, “At this rate, if we delve deep enough into the school and find the entire thing deep-rooted in this conspiracy, we might have to take it down.”

“OKAY, HANG ON.” Karkat sat up, “ALL I WANT TO DO FOR NOW IS FIND OUT HOW TO GET ERIDAN BACK AND MAYBE FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THEM LEAVE US ALONE FOR GOOD. IF THAT INVOLVES BRINGING IT DOWN THEN FINE, I GUESS.”

“oh!” John shot his hand into the air, “about getting eridan back…”

“YEAH?”

“i had an idea to help with that.” He grinned and sat down, “see the spring festival is coming up…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "References to Eridan's death" count: 6
> 
> Please no hate for the Twilight reference.  
> Yes Eridan is referencing victim blaming. His point is that trying to change his reaction is just as pointless.
> 
> Kankri Vantas remembers.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a festival, and several black feelings are displayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooooo! Festival time! :D
> 
> Eridan and Roxy are, of course, playing Magic: The Gathering. Roxy's using a Black-Green deck, and Eridan's using a Blue-White deck.
> 
> Enjoy the beautiful paleness of EriRox

 

“boom” Roxy slapped her Magic card down on the table, “i summon le enormous baloth.” Eridan glared at the card.

“no wway you cant”

“lol yeah i can” She gestured to her row of land cards, “see i got enough power”

“fuck it” He growled, staring at his own hand. Roxy jabbed her finger into the air.

“attack!”

“not so fast” He put his own card down, “im usin harms wway so twwo a those damage points go to you”

“oh noes!” She sighed, “u still got 5 points tho” He leaned back and drew a card.

“yeah wwell fate cant alwways be changed so much” He placed a card down. “im puttin dowwn another island and summonin merfolk sovvereign so-”

“attention everyone!” They looked up from their game, as did everyone else in the magic club. John was standing at the front of the room. “were deciding what to do for the festival! does a magic show sound good for everyone?” Eridan rolled his eyes and resumed his focus on his game, ignoring the agreements circling around the room. “great! i nominate eridan to be one of the magicians!”

“huh” His head snapped up again, “wwhat me wwhy im just here to play magic wwith rox and talk about fake wwizards”

“i think you’d be good at it! you know a lot of tricks!” His eyes narrowed.

“no wway i aint got any interest in standin on a stage showwin a buncha googlin idiots some stupid cantrips”

“I also think Eridan would be good for the job.” He whirled around. That girl who was always reading in the back gave a small smile, hands folded neatly on the desk. He glared at her suspiciously. “And John could be the other one, as our magic trick expert.”

“come on eridan!” John leaned forward, voice wheedling. “youd have a ton of fun! you DO like to be dramatic and the center of attention”

“fuck you egbert” But by now the other members of the club had latched onto the idea and added their own encouragements. The vote was passed, and he ended up co-magician with John.

“ugh” He slumped down on the table. Roxy punched him on the shoulder.

“come on eri wats the worse that could happen?”

“dont evven ask that” He sat up, “this is gonna be wworse than that time you convvinced me to join that play” He waved his hands in the air and imitated her voice, “oh eri cmon itll be fun you lovve bein dramatic an actin” She chuckled, looking through her hand.

“u made a pretty good claudius tho”

“i aint takin that as a compliment” He moved some of the cards back into place, “buncha people kept jokin bout killin my girlfriend and good lord jake drovve me nuts” He let his head fall back to stare at the ceiling. “his stupid wway of talkin was increased tenfold by shakespeare and oh my god his stupid speech to that skull i thought he was gonna end up makin out wwith it or somethin it wwas disgustin” He slammed his hand on the table, then frowned, eyes narrowing as he examined his fingers.

“wats up?” He raised his palm, waving it so the rings sparkled in the light.

“i lost one a my rings” She cocked her head to the side.

“how?”

“the stone had broken off so i left it on my desk for a day wwasnt expectin a couple of assholes ta break in they mustvve taken it noww ivve only got ten”

“wats wrong with 10 tho? then you have 1 on each finger”

“no wway” He crossed his arms and hunched over as his voice took on a sharp whining tone. “i like havvin elevven that seems like the right number ta havve”

“daw” She ruffled his hair. “well u can get another rite?” His face fell into an uncertain frown.

“i dunno i cant remember wwhere i got them” He twisted one of them, eying the jewel. “ugh and im already busy wwith the sharpshootin clubs exhibit too”

“cmon, ill even help out u can saw me in half or somethin”

“dont talk ta me bout sawwin people in half ivve heard enough bout that” He glanced at John, who was shuffling some playing cards with an amused grin. His eyes narrowed. “though if this ends up bein one a his pranks again **someones** gonna be in pieces”

 

000

 

“UGH.” Karkat shaded his eyes from the bright sunlight and squinted at the huge crowds of humans. “THERE ARE WAY TOO MANY HUMANS. THEY ALL CAME FOR THIS STUPID FESTIVAL?”

“yup!” John grinned, looking around at the hustle and bustle. “its really neat! its also one of the few times outsiders can enter the school grounds” Kanaya examined the stalls and bright colors.

“It Is Certainly Very Lively”

“1T’S D3L1C1OUS!”

“its cool!”

“i can’t wait to try out some of the games and i heard the rage dorm made a haunted house and the cooking club is selling cake!”

“CAKE? WHAT’S THAT?”

“oh man, have you never had cake? you’ve gotta try it!”

“I WON’T TRY IT UNLESS I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS. ALSO,” He looked around, “WHEN IS…THAT?”

“the magic show is at 7pm.” He answered, “are you ready?”

“YEAH. I THINK I FIGURED OUT A PLAN. NOT EVEN HE CAN IGNORE THIS.”

“Oh dear. Do I sense hostile trickery?” They whirled around. A human girl sashayed over to them. She was wearing a strange yellow robe with wide sleeves that went to her elbows and a skirt that split into two parts, revealing bright orange tights and light blue slippers. A large hood completely obscured her head. Only her mouth, adjusted into a reserved smirk, was visible. A picture of a yellow sun was stamped on her chest. “I sense you have some ill will toward Eridan Ampora of the Hope House. Or at least a cruel prank, that is to be taking place at the magic show tonight.” Karkat curled his lip back, looking her up and down.

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?” The smile widened.

“I am the Seer, obviously.” Kanaya frowned and leaned forward.

“Rose Is That You” The mysterious girl flipped her hood up, revealing her blond hair and lavender eyes.

“Hello Kanaya.”

“OH, IT’S JUST YOU. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?” She spread her arms out to show the costume.

“Oh, it’s part of a contest between the houses. I’m supposed to try and win votes, which will be counted at the end of the day.”

“You Look Quite Nice” She smiled.

“Why thank you. The hood is a little obscuring in terms of vision though. Hopefully I will be able to make true my promise to show you around, instead of you needing to do it for me.” She returned the smile.

“It Most Likely Will Not Be A Problem”

“WHAT? ARE YOU TWO GOING OFF ON YOUR OWN? WHAT ABOUT-” Terezi elbowed him sharply in the side, making him choke on the rest of his words. He turned to snarl at her. “WHAT?!?” She jerked her chin at the two suggestively. The troll frowned, noting the way they were smiling at each other. “OH DEAR GOD. FINE. EVERYONE IS FREE TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. JUST DON’T GET KIDNAPPED, OKAY?” Terezi grinned and snapped him a mock salute.

“4Y3 C4PT41N!”

“We’ll see you at the magic show, then.”

The group dispersed. Karkat looked around.

“JOHN, DID YOU MENTION SOME SORT OF FOOD?”

“uh yeah! i think it’s over here!” He started to drag the troll through the crowds.

“ACK! CAREFUL OF THE BRACELET!”

“nah, people will just think it’s facepaint!”

“YOU HUMANS REALLY ARE IDIOTS, AREN’T YOU?”

The troll growled as someone’s elbow was shoved in his face. He let go of John to shove them away. “WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR PALE UGLY HUMAN-OH.” He let his hands to drop to his side. “WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE YOU?” Eridan glared at him, his shirt now sporting a ketchup stain from being jostled.

“finally wwe agree on somethin” He grimaced at the red stain, holding his hot dog away him in case he decided to shove him again. “wwhat are you doin here”

“ANYONE CAN COME IN ON FESTIVAL DAY, RIGHT?”

“goddamnit you just gotta ruin evverythin dont ya”

“eridan!” John caught up with them. He offered Eridan a napkin. “hey! having fun at the festival?”

“yeah until this idiot shovved me”

“YOUR ELBOW WAS IN MY GODDAMN OCULAR GLOBE.”

“okay fine” He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, “im sorry please go awway noww”

“HEY, AT LEAST IT DIDN’T STAIN YOUR…” He paused, “NO WONDER I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU. WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR SCARF?”

“i lent it ta someone so wwhat”

“oh eridan!” John chimed in suddenly, “are you exciting for this evening?” His eyes widened in alarm. He hissed and jerked his head at Karkat.

“dont mention **that** right noww”

“WHAT? THE MAGIC SHOW?”

“fuck” His shoulders slumped, “yeah theres a magic show just a bunch a stupid tricks so wwhat” He crossed his arms.

“I COULD ALMOST THINK YOU DON’T WANT ME TO ATTEND.”

“i dont givve a fuck wwhether-” His phone beeped, cutting him off. He took it out and checked the message. “oh shes here”

“WHAT?” He turned around, scanning the rooftops. Apparently spotting something, he looked back at his phone.

 

CA: now

TG: yes now!!!

 

“hey” He shouted loud enough to make those around him stop and look. Karkat jumped back, nearly running into John. Eridan jabbed his finger up at one of the rooftops, “look at that” The crowd followed his gesture just in time to see a girl dressed head to toe in dark blue leap off the roof. She tucked her legs in a tumbled three times, striped blue scarf fluttering behind her, before straightening out and hitting the ground in a crouch. She sprung up and threw her hands into the air with a grin, eyes sparkling behind a mask.

“ta da~!” Astounded murmurs and a smattering of clapping answered her. Eridan started clapping as well, then nudged John so he did too. Roxy, who Karkat had finally recognized with the help of the familiar scarf she was wearing, beamed and spun around. “tank u! im the rogue of da void house! vote 4 me kay?”

“wow, that was pretty impressive”

“a course rox is amazin at that stuff shes wwinnin for sure” The crowd eventually broke up. The girl caught site of the group and bounced over.

“hey eri thanks 4 the intro!”

“wwouldnt a been any good if youd landed on someone” His eyes narrowed, “please tell me you aint drunk right noww”

“nah at least not a lot anyways”

“a lo-”

“yo guys!” She whirled to face the other two, “’sup?”

“ARE YOU IN THAT DUMB CONTEST TOO?”

“yup! you gonna vote 4 me?”

“I WASN’T PLANNING TO PARTICIPATE IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER.” She pouted.

“meanie! john?” He shrugged.

“well i dunno! i want to see all of them, but i might just vote for the breath house” Eridan snorted.

“i cant believve howw many idiots are just vvotin for their owwn house instead a vvotin based on merit”

“WELL YOU’RE VOTING FOR ROXY, OBVIOUSLY. HOW IS THAT NOT ALSO BEING BIASED?” He curled his lip back, then sniffed and waved his hand dismissively.

“she deservves it”

“daw thanks eri”

“and anywways id vvote for anyone **besides** the hope house especially since i heard jake wwas doin it”

“oh yeah!” Roxy stood up on her tip-toes to scan the crowd, “jake and dirk! where r they?” He shrugged.

“beats me i havvent seen em

“do you have any idea wat jakey looks liek?”

“nah but i heard last year they had some issues with cros costume not exactly bein okay with kids so the hope housell probably do somethin loww key anywways”

“HEY.” Karkat jerked his thumb over as where another commotion had been started up.

“Good golly! Would you chaps stop staring?”

“Dude, that’s the point of this.”

“oh! thats them!” She shoved herself forward toward the noise. “hey! jake! dirk! izzat…” She came to a sudden halt. “…u?” Eridan came up behind her and glanced over her shoulder. His eyebrows rose at the sight.

“R-Roxy? Mr eridan? Is that you?

“jake wat da fuq r u wearin?” His face flushed an even deeper crimson and he made a poor attempt to hide the bright yellow speedo that constituted the bottom half of his outfit. Karkat and John shoved their way through.

“WOW. I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE THAT.”

“did it uh, shrink in the wash?”

“I didn’t choose it!” He tugged nervously at his half-cape. “Goodness my cape isnt even long enough to give me some cover!” Eridan smirked, crossing his arms.

“it really suits ya english i like the socks”

“Dont give me me that!” He jabbed his finger at his fellow Hope student, looking almost on the verge of tears. “You were nominated to this role too but you refused! Im putting this hogswash partially on your head!” His smirked widened.

“oh but you wwere so excited an i wwas busy wwith club stuff an also i actually had the brains to realize id get somethin ridiculous”

“I bet they wouldnt have put something like this on you!” He shrugged and waved his hand airily.

“yeah that kinda shit wwould only wwork on someone like you its true but id still get some stupid thing im sure”

“There you are.” Dirk shouldered his way through the crowd. His costume was of course in the colors of the Heart House and his pants, through an odd poofy style, were at least existent. “Hey guys.”

“like that” Eridan jerked his thumb at him, “id probably havve ended up wearin somethin like that” He looked him over. “wwhat are you evven supposed ta be a jester”

“Ha ha. I’m the Prince of Heart or something.” He drew out the sword hanging from his back, “And Jake is the Page of Hope.”

“Wait just a gosh darn second…” Jake squinted at Roxy’s outfit. “Are you wearing mr eridans scarf!?”

“uh yeah?” She waved it around, “its like everyone got kewl capes ‘cept me how am i supposed 2 look awesome without a thingy wavin in the breeze?”

“Traitor!” He again shoved his finger accusingly at Eridan, who just shrugged, obviously enjoying the state the other was in.

“wwhat you think im gonna stick around wwith boy hope wwonder i knoww wwho the wwinnin side is”

“Come on, dude.” Dirk knocked him gently on the shoulder, “There was no doubt whatsoever he was going to side with Roxy.”

“Id like to meet the chap that came up with my costume…”

“I think it looks nice.” He whirled around, weakly smacking his fists against his chest.

“Of course you do!”

“Hey, if someone bothers you just tell me and I’ll cut them in half, okay?”

“Well GEE! Thanks!”

“uh, it doesn’t look so bad…”

“yeah you look totally hopeful and shit”

“MR ERIDAN YOUR SNIDE COMMENTS ARE GENUINELY UNNEEDED!”

“youre wwelcome”

“eri come on. stop torturing him.”

“no”

“Ugh!” He threw his arms out stiffly to his sides, “Ill see you chaps later then! Preferably when i have a pair of more respectably trousers!” He turned and stomped off through the crowd, tiny cape fluttering behind him. Dirk nodded farewell to the group before following him.

Roxy yawned, “omg poor jake why were you pickin on him so much eri”

“because it was fun obvviously”

“u sadist”

“come on rox”

“buh!” She rolled her eyes. “hey have you guys stopped by the cookin clubs booth yet? im starvin”

“oh yeah! we were gonna head there!” John stood up, scanning over the crowds. “oh man! the line is huge!”

“well duh if janeys bakin” She sighed, “aw man, i was too busy gettin ready to eat breakfast fml”

“ill split this wwith ya” Eridan offered her the hot dog. She gave it a wary look.

“did you do that thing where you lick all the mustard off?”

“wwhat a course not” He sputtered, turning a faint pink. “look its got ketchup on it see”

“yeah okay gimme”

He handed the food over, then became suddenly aware that Karkat was staring at him as if he’d just vomited up a fetus.

“wwhats that look for”

“YOU DO *WHAT*??” He crossed his arms, looking defensive.

“okay so i hate mustard but sometimes the idiots put it on anywways so id rather get it ovver wwith and enjoy the rest a my food”

“liar”

“shush”

“DO YOU ACTUALLY…” He raised his hands up, as it trying to grasp his own disbelief and keep it in check. “DO YOU ACTUALLY DO THAT?”

“so wwhat it aint so wweird”

“OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?” He let his hands drop back to his sides. “JUST THIS ONCE I’M GOING TO LET YOU FALL BACK ON YOUR LITTLE “I’M A HUMAN” STINT. JUST THIS ONCE BECAUSE I WANT TO BELIEVE I NEVER HEARD THAT.”

“wworks for me” He nudged Roxy, “cmon rox wwe can vvisit jane later lets check out the shootin clubs evvent”

“oh rite u had somethin ta do there”

“UGH.” Karkat rubbed his head. He was tempted to sit down right in the middle of the crowd. “I REALLY COULD HAVE GONE WITHOUT SEEING ANY OF THAT. THANK GOD HE DIDN’T DO IT WITH KETCHUP TOO.” John gave him a hesitant pat on the back.

“uh you wanna grab a hot dog or something?”

“NO!!”

Eridan glanced back at the shout, then quickly looked back ahead, muttering some obscenity under his breath. Roxy offered him the rest of the hot dog.

“u ok?”

“yeah” He rolled his shoulders back, “interloping cultists aside im actually havving a pretty good time”

“cause u saw jake in panties?” He nearly choked on his food.

“a course not its cause i got ta mess wwith him and actually bother him for once”

“eri i know you were totes checkin out his ass when he turned around.” He blushed and scratched his cheek.

“no i wwasnt”

“cmooooon”

“you wwere too wwerent ya” She punched him on the shoulder.

“shhhh”

“oww rox” He rubbed the area and gave her a half-scowl, “remember howw fuckin strong you can be”

“u bruise too easily”

 

000

 

“Oh, Kanaya look.” Rose pointed one of the booths out to her companion. “They’re doing henna over there. Have you heard of it?” She followed her finger to stare at the area curiously.

“No What Is It”

“It’s from India. You paint your hands and feet with this paste. It ends up staining your skin, like a tattoo, but it’s not permanent. It only lasts a few days.”

“Hm” She frowned uncertainly, “Perhaps Another Time”

“Very well. Do you like jewelry? They’re selling some over there.”

“Jewelry Is Considered More Of A Seadweller Practice I Have Never Worn Any Myself”

“Really? Maybe you should check it out.”

“I See No Reason To Avoid It” She allowed her to lead her into the tent where various trinkets hung on display. “There Is Quite A Lot Of Variability I Am Not Sure Where To Start”

“May8e I can help!” Aranea popped up, giving them a friendly smile. “You’re Vriska’s friend, aren’t you? Can I tell you a8out some of our pieces?” They glanced at each other.

“If You Can Keep It Brief”

“Of course!” She began to lead them around the tables, pointing out various pieces and giving extensive reports on their meaning and who made them.

“This does not appear to be very brief.” Rose murmured to her companion, who returned the comment with a faint smile.

“We also have these!” She swept her hand across a group of necklaces, “A necklace for each house symbol! We have still have the Light and Space ones available if you’re interested.” Kanaya frowned, examining the trinkets.

“What Exactly Is The Meaning Of The House Names”

“Oh!” She clasped her hands together and leaned forward, “It’s very interesting, actually! Each house pertains to a certain aspect which in turn comes with its own values and sym8ols. For instance,” She winked at Rose, “The Light House mem8ers are said to be especially lucky and knowledgeable.” Kanaya fingered one of the pendants.

“Interesting”

“The Space House mem8ers on the other hand are known for their creativity and their understanding of their surroundings.” She counted off her fingers, “The 8lood House focuses on loyalties and o8ligation, the Mind House on logic and-”

“whoa seaket” Meenah sauntered up, dropping an arm around her shoulder. “clam yo tits youre gonna talk em ta death again” She was wearing an odd cut up t-shirt and shorts with magenta boots and an unusual amount of jewelry. Aranea frowned, eying some of the trinkets.

“Meenah, I’m not sure I’ve seen you wearing some of those pieces 8efore, though they do look familiar, as in they came from this tent.”

“what you callin me a thief”

“A thief of life, if I recall.” Her frown of disapproval deepened as she examined her friend’s costume. “What did you **do** to it?”

“pfff” She tossed her head back, making her earrings jingle. “dis fin was fuckin hideous before i just made some tweaks hey wade a minnow” She glared at the other two girls, “aint you da light conchestant”

“That I am.”

“huh” She drew her trident out of her strife specibus, “you gonna threaten mah win huh”

“Meenah, put that away this instant!” Aranea clamped her grip on the weapon.

“but araneaaaa shes threatenin mah poseation”                                   

“She is also one of my customers, put it down!” She managed to force the other to sheath it, then quickly resumed her cheerful demeanor to the others. “Oh, maybe you would 8e interested in these!” She lead them over to another table, “What’s your sign?”

“Oh” Kanaya blinked at the necklaces in astonishment, “These Are”

“They’re the horoscope signs.” Rose cut in, “Each symbol denotes which constellation was visible at the time you were born.”

“Oh” She pursed her lips together “Is That So”

“Yes!” She pointed to one of them, “I myself am a Scorpio 8ut…” She gestured to her neck, where a Cancer symbol hung. “It’s a funny story actually I was-” Meenah slapped a hand over her mouth.

“yeah its a long borin shorey buoy somefin whale ya”

Kanaya hesitantly picked up the silver Virgo symbol. “How Much Will This Be”

 

000

 

Karkat shoved himself through the people streaming into the room and snagged himself a seat in the middle. The lighting levels must have seen pretty dark and mysterious to human vision, but to him it was just boring. The stage in front of them was completely bare except for a lone mic in the center. He looked around as others took their seats around him. It looked pretty crowded; apparently this magic show thing was popular. Well, they were going to be entertained all right.

A loud bang and flash of light jerked his head back again. The stage had filled with smoke, which was presently spilling over into the audience.

“ladies and gentleman!” John appeared from the mist, spreading his arms wide with a grin. He was wearing a bright blue suit and top hat, with a darker blue cape billowing behind him. “thank you all for coming! prepare to be amazed beyond your wildest dreams!” Eridan joined him, sweeping away the rest of his smoke with a similar violet cape. Karkat **almost** missed seeing him in one.

“yeah careful your minds dont explode from sheer awwe” The troll wasn’t sure if he was being sarcastic or showing a rather low view of the audience. It could have easily been both.

“we, john egbert and eridan ampora, will be your magicians. for our first act…” A wheeled table suddenly rolled onto the stage. Eridan turned swiftly and stopped it with his foot, saluting with two figners to someone out of sight.

“alright then” He plucked the box off the table and flipped it open. He held it out to the audience, then turned it upside-down. “empty right” He turned and tossed it back onto the table while explaining something. Karkat quickly lost interest in the flashy lights and sudden appearance of various small animals. He checked his watch, wondering when his chance would come.

“are we having fun yet?” John called out to the crowd, and gained a smattering of positive replies. Karkat’s head jerked up. That was the cue.

“right then” Eridan dragged a large closet-sized box onto the stage. His words had gradually taken on a more excited tone. “obvviously you havvent seen anythin yet for our next act wwe need an assistant-”

“I VOLUNTEER!” Karkat barked, springing out of his chair. The other looked up in surprise, then his face quickly morphed into absolute horror and he scanned the crowd wildly.

“anyone el-”

“karkat!” John flung his hand out at him, “step right up!” His co-magician whirled to glare at him.

“howw the fuck do you knoww his name”

“GEE AMPORA,” The troll hoisted himself up onto the stage, “I WOULD ALMOST THINK YOU’RE SCARED OF HAVING ME HERE.” He received a particularly nasty scowl.

“wwhy the hell are you here”

“ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?” He stared straight back into his eyes, “I AM HERE SOLELY TO SCREW YOU OVER.” The other blinked in surprise, then sputtered.

“ **wwhat** ”

“THAT’S RIGHT, AMPORA.” He took a few steps forward so their noses were just inches apart, all without breaking eye contact. “I HAVE GONE MILES OUT OF MY WAY JUST TO BE HERE, JUST FOR YOU, SO I CAN MESS WITH YOU AND RUIN YOUR SHOW.” Eridan backed out of the close contact, his face a mix of enraged disbelief and the slightest hint of confused discomfort.

“uh wwhat” He rubbed his neck, dropping his gaze to the ground, “okay that makes me really angry but” Karkat crossed his arms.

“WHAT? HAVE YOU SUDDENLY GONE BASHFUL?” He raised his head to glare at him, but a definte red dusted his cheeks.

“okay wwhats goin on”

“HOW’S IT FUCKING FEEL TO GET SLAPPED ACROSS THE FACE WITH A DISGUSTINGLY INDECENT ADVANCE?”

“wwhat”

“*ahem*!” John cleared his throat loudly, “now that we have our volunteer…”

“right” He lit up in realization, then turned to face the crowd. “wwere gonna make our annoying as fuck vvisitor disappear” He hurried over to the box, yanking it open. He glared at Karkat, “get in”

“OH PLEASE,” He gave a dramatic eyeroll, “YOU CAN’T EVEN MAKE YOUR ACCENT DISAPPEAR.” A round of quiet chuckles ran through the crowd and the magician’s face burned even deeper. He grit his teeth.

“get in the goddamn box”

“ALRIGHT *FINE*.” He threw his hands into the air in a sarcastic surrender. “I’LL GO INTO YOUR FUN LITTLE TRICK ROOM.” He stepped inside and the other slammed the door shut. He blew out a heavy breath and shook his head, then flinched as a muffled but still plenty audible voice barked out.

“SO WHAT? NOTHING’S HAPPENING. EXCEPT IT’S DARK.” Another wave of giggles ran through the crowd.

“shut it” He snapped, “alright then” He tossed his hand out, showing a wand had suddenly appeared in his grip. He spun it over his head. “i wwill count to fivve-”

“ARE YOU KIDDING, AMPORA? YOU’LL HAVE KILLED US WITH BOREDOM BY THEN.”

“for the lovve of” He glanced at John for support, but the boy only shrugged. He grudgingly turned back to the audience.

“one” He raised the wand into the air and the box started to spin.

“HEY!”

“twwo” He continued, voice raising to drown out his loud volunteer. “three four fivve” He pointed his wand at the box and a loud bang ensued, accompanied by a bright flash from the top. The doors flew open, revealing an empty interior. Eridan gave a small smile of satisfaction while the crowd applauded.

“…HEY!” He winced as loud banging erupted from from the seemingly vacant box. “WHAT, ARE YOU IDIOTIC MORONS ACTUALLY FALLING FOR THIS SHIT? I’M RIGHT HERE!” The crowd burst into laughter. The magician gnashed his teeth and stalked over to the box.

“just wwhat is so hard about bein quiet for ten seconds”

“HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ENLIGHTEN THESE POOR SAPS ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A MAGIC SHOW, THEN?”

“wwell alright then” He stomped up to the opening and tore away the mirrors and false wall,then dragged the revealed troll out by the arm. “magic is fake its alwways been fake congratulations noww get back to your seat or better yet outta this room” He glared back at him defiantly.

“HELL NO. YOU’RE STILL STUCK WITH ME. I AM ABSOLUTELY REVELING IN CAUSING YOU THE UTMOST PAIN AND FRUSTRATION. THIS IS MY NEW LIFE CAUSE.” He threw his hands out at him.

“wwhy cause i wwouldnt join your goddamn cult”

“NO. BECAUSE I HAVE SUDDENLY AND INEXPLICABLY FELT THIS NEED TO DISPLAY MY UTTER DETEST FOR EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR.” He received a face of astonished bewilderment, but was far more interested in the vague understanding he could see flickering behind his eyes.

“uh” He shook his head, “im flattered i guess wait no im not wwhat the fuck”

“OF COURSE YOU ARE, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE CLAMSUCKER.” Eridan groaned and clutched his head, focusing on something else for a second.

“oh an a course **they** showw up again ta say wweird stuff too” He growled in frustration, then grabbed Karkat’s shirt and dragged him over to the middle of the stage. He tested the ground with his foot, then nodded.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” He shoved him onto the spot.

“makin you disappear” He turned to face the left wing of the stage. “rox hit the trap door”

“wat now?”

“yes” He stepped back but Karkat lunged after him. He got a firm hold on his cape just as the floor gave way.

“I’M TAKING YOU WITH ME, ASSHOLE.” He choked as the fabric yanked him backwards.

“kar i wwill glubbin **murder-** ” His next words were cut off as he tumbled backwards into the hole, driving the crowd to a new peak of hysteria. What had started as a magic show had apparently ended as a comedy routine. John looked around, then awkwardly bowed.

“uh, i guess thats all for tonight folks! hey, have you voted for the house costumes yet?”

Meanwhile, Eridan and Karkat had fallen onto the cushion beneath the stage.

“kar” The troll tried to push himself up from under the other.

“WHAT?”

“i hate you so much”

“GREAT.” He collapsed back down on the cushion, “I WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF HOPING YOU **WOULDN’T** SAY THAT.”

“dont wworry im pretty sure its just a phase or somefin”

“AWESOME. SO HOW ABOUT GETTING OFF ME?”

“no”

 

000

 

“…AND THEN HE HIT ME.” Karkat gestured to the conspicuous red mark on his face. Terezi sniffed it excitedly, but he jerked away before it could be licked.

“Gr8 story Karkat 8ut,” Vriska held her hand out to him, pointing out that he had, in fact, returned alone. “Where is he?”

“EXCELLENT QUESTION.” He shrugged, “SO OBVIOUSLY THE SHOW ENDED AFTER THAT. HE STOMPED OFF AND I LOST HIM.”

“GR34T JOB, L34D3R.”

“SHUT UP. I TRIED TO CHASE HIM BUT HE WAS BASICALLY *RUNNING* SO I GUESS HE NEEDED SOME TIME ALONE OR SOMETHING.” He checked his watch, “BUT YEAH, HE’S HAD ENOUGH TIME TO MOPE. I GUESS I BETTER CONTACT HIM.”

“good luck wiith that.” He didn’t even bother to think of a response. Instead he tromped upstairs to get on his computer.

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling caesarAugustus.

 

CG: HEY ASSHOLE, ARE YOU DONE MOPING YET?

CA: oh its you

CG: IT’S ME?? IS THAT ALL YOU’RE GOING TO SAY?

CG: WAIT, DID THEY WIPE YOUR BRAIN? YOU *DO* REMEMBER THE MAGIC SHOW, RIGHT?

CA: a course i remember i aint gonna forget that anytime soon

CA: hey thanks for playin with my heart by the way i really appreciated it

CG: OH WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP? IT’S NOT LIKE I WANTED TO. IT’S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT FOR BEING A STUBBORN LITTLE PAILFUCKER.

CG: WE COULD HAVE HAD THIS WHOLE NUB-ROTTING ORDEAL OVER WITH MONTHS AGO. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, ANYWAYS?

CA: my dorm

CG: WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO THERE?

CA: well i was plannin ta do some history readin

CA: maybe go play earthbound with rox

CA: find a new ring on amazon

CG: HUH?

CG: ALRIGHT SO, IT ALMOST SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU AREN’T PLANNING ON COMING BACK ANYTIME SOON.

CA: brilliant sherlock

CG: IGNORING WHAT WAS PROBABLY SOME OBSCURE HUMAN INSULT, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? YOU DO REMEMBER, RIGHT?

CA: i remember some things

CA: its kinda blurry but it would probably come to me if i tried

CG: WELL??

CA: the thing is i just really cant find reason ta try

CG: WOW. I AM EXPECTED AT ANY MOMENT TO BE SUDDENLY FLUNG IN YOUR DIRECTION BY THE GRAVITATIONAL FORCE THAT IS BEING PROJECTED FROM THE DENSITY OF YOUR CRANIUM.

CG: WHAT REASON DO YOU NEED?!

CA: im just sayin i aint really got one

CA: the feelins im gettin aint all that pleasant

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS. YOU’RE JUST BEING AN ASSHOLE. THERE IS NO LEGITIMATE REASON FOR YOU TO BE DOING THIS ASIDE FROM YOU AND YOUR STUPID WOUNDED EGO.

CA: okay im gonna try and be even more blunt here

CA: im out

CA: i dont care

CG: OKAY WAIT A SECOND. ARE YOU *DITCHING* US? EVEN WITH THE FULL REALIZATION THAT WE’RE RIGHT AND YOU ACTUALLY BELONG HERE?

CA: pretty much

CG: HOW THE HELL DO I EVEN RESPOND TO THAT?

CA: i dunno throw a party

CA: craiglist all my shit

CA: or burn it in some bonfire

CA: i really dont give a fuck

CG: YOU’RE STILL MAKING NO SENSE. YOU KNOW THAT SCHOOL IS DANGEROUS, RIGHT?

CA: well thats my problem now not yours

CA: just

CA: stop talkin to me

 

caesarAugustus blocked carcinoGeneticist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun DUUUUUUN...  
> It's not an Eridan fic of mine unless there's some unnecessary angst.
> 
> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 7
> 
> Kurloz, dressed in a full skeleton suit, was the scariest part of the Rage Dorm's haunted house. That is, until he had to leave to help Mituna get his head out of the popcorn maker.
> 
> Latula won the House Contest as the Knight of Mind. She got a lot of publicity since she was also running around keeping things in order. Unfortunately despite the tricks, Roxy wasn't "seen" enough. She still got 3rd place. Aranea liked her costume, but ended up voting for Meenah.
> 
> Eridan came out to have a good time and he's honestly feeling so attacked right now. Poor Jake...


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan makes fish puns, angels are annoying, and John finds something old, something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Making up new pesterchum handles is hard. Luckily a lot of Roman Emperors began with C.

 

claudiusArtillery began pestering tipsyGnostalgic.

 

CA: rox its me i changed my handle again

TG: omg again???

CA: well i wont have to anymore just dont tell any a those guys alright

CA: not even fef or nep

TG: um k

TG: wat does dis one even mean?

CA: whatever i just banged somefin out anyfin to keep them from talkin to me

TG: lol fin? u makin fish puns now?

CA: fuck

CA: make a mental note to slap me every time i do that

TG: daw cmon eri its kinda cute

CA: it was cute when fef did them but if i do them theyre just stupid

TG: wat hapende anyway? did you get a buncha memoirys or somethin?

TG: *happened *memories

TG: does this mean ur goin back to your alien friends?

CA: no why do you want me to leave

TG: wat no

CA: its okay if it turns out you dont actually like hangin out with me im used to it

TG: eri u know dats not what i meatn

TG: *meant

TG: if u watned to join them thatd be kewl. we can still hnag

TG: *wanted *hang lol

CA: wwell it’s a moot point cause i aint goin back ta join them

CA: ugh *well my finger slipped

TG: y not?

CA: its kind of complicated im not sure i wanna talk about it

TG: come oonnnnn :P

CA: ugh how the fuck do i even explain it

CA: so i remembered some vague shit i probably coulda remembered it earlier if i had for some reason tried to believe in all that crap

CA: and now all this stuff is kinda floatin in the back of my head and if i tried to remember some part it would probably come ta me

TG: okay so…?

CA: well the thin is the memories aint all that fun

CA: and well

CA: i just dont really want to go back okay

CA: also half the stuff i do remember is freakin me out

CA: like remember near the beginnin a the year i said i had to admire hitler for his efficiency and persistence

TG: oh ya lol that class was more awkadr than sex ed

TG: *akword

TG: *asdfld

TG: omg remember sex ed eri this totes explained y u always looked so confsued

TG: *confused

CA: oh come on there were guys there more confused than me on that shit

CA: well anyways im startin to get this feelin i might a actually been him

CA: or at least his right hand man or somethin

CA: i had a lot of issues

TG: lol u had fishues. get it?

CA: rox please no

TG: lol sry

CA: not that i didnt still have those issues when i came here but you really helped me out with that

CA: where the hell would i be now without you rox

TG: um i dunno spendin every ohter day at the conselours office, remember?

TG: *other *counselors

CA: ugh dont remind me

CA: that bitch didnt do shit it was like some pathetic stand in for some real help

CA: if i changed at all its causa you rox

TG: eri stahp im getting embaraesd

TG: *embarased

TG: *ebmarassed

TG: u know what i mean

TG: all i did was kinda nudge u here and there and away from being a racist asshole

CA: nah it was more than that you actually listened to me and i didnt mind openin up to you

CA: kinda like

CA: uh forget it

CA: so anyways i just dont know if i wanna go back there

CA: but that doesnt exactly mean were safe here somethins goin on

TG: ooo! a real conpsirecy!

TG: *conspiracy

CA: dont get too excited

CA: we could be in some real trouble

CA: no doubt this place is sunk in some a the deepest corruption

CA: layers upon layers a plans and hidden agendas

CA: all surrondin some genius mastermind pullin the strings

TG: lol eri

TG: whos the one gettin excited here?

CA: shh im thinkin

CA: gotta be subtle here need some serious plans when dealin with this kinda intrigue

TG: k eri calm down have u been playin crusader kings again

CA: okay sorry youre right no reason to give away what were plannin

TG: oh yay im gonna plan 2?

CA: well a course naturally id need your help in this

CA: youre pretty smart if you aint wasted

TG: mmk

TG: wat bout dirk and jake and janey?

CA: wwhat about them

TG: we gonna let them in on this 2?

CA: why what would that do sides compromise the security a this

TG: i dunno theyre pretty smart

TG: like i bet dirk even knows already

CA: what no wway

CA: he aint got the brains for it and whatever blood he has in his head goes straight to his dick when jakes around

CA: and if he did hed be a total asshole for not tellin us

TG: um well 1 you aint plannin to tell him

CA: well i think by now we both know im kinda an asshole

TG: an 2 the whole school conspiracy thing is old news. the news is dat u believe it now

CA: oh

TG: hang on a sec ill ask him

 

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering claudiusArtillery.

 

tipsyGnostalgic began pestering claudiusArtillery. 

 

TG: yeah he totes knew

CA: coddamnit

CA: i mean

CA: fuck

 

000

 

“…Um…” Feferi leaned to the side, examining the lump of troll that presently had his head buried in the arm of the sofa. “…Crabcatfis)(?” Karkat raised his head to glare at her.

“IT’S KARKAT. LEAVE YOUR SHITTY FISH PUNS OUT OF IT.” She straightened and cocked her head to the side.

“W)(ale we were just wondering…”

“ABOUT AMPORA?” He slammed his face back into the upholstery, “I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.”

“Is )(e okay?”

“YEAH! HE’S STILL THE STUBBORN ASSHOLE WITH LESS OF A THINK PAN THAN THE BONE BULGE OF THE AVERAGE MUSCLEBEAST.” He sighed and rolled over to glare at the ceiling, “HE BASICALLY SHUT US OUT. HE’S NOT COMING BACK.”

“:33< huh?” Nepeta poked her head in, “:33< *the evil school is holding ca hostage!*”

“DON’T I WISH.” He growled and grasped at his hair, “THAT WOULD ACTUALLY MAKE THINGS EASIER. BUT NO, INSTEAD HE’S DECIDED TO JUST FLIP US OFF ON HIS OWN FREE WILL.”

“W)(at?! W)(y??”

“HOW IN GOD’S MORBID BULGESACK SHOULD I KNOW? I’M SICK OF TALKING WITH HIM. I WAS SICK OF TALKING WITH HIM AGES AGO. I NEED AT LEAST A WEEK OF COOL-DOWN TIME BEFORE I CAN START WORRYING FOR HIS WELL-BEING AGAIN.”

“But…” The Seadweller frowned and wrung her hands, “We reelly should get )(im out of there!” He threw his hands in the air.

“HOW?? HE DOESN’T WANT TO LEAVE! IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER OPTIONS, I’D LOVE TO HEAR THEM! FILL MY AUDITORY RECEPTORS WITH YOUR SWEET KNOWLEDGE.”

“Whale…” She shrugged, “I tried to convince )(im before but )(e STILL refused!”

“WE DON’T EVEN HAVE THAT OPTION ANYMORE. HE CHANGED HIS HANDLE AGAIN.”

“:33< hm…” Nepeta crouched on the ground and cocked her head to the side, “:33< can we catnap him again?”

“NOT IF HE’S GOING TO MACE US.” He waved his hand, “HE’LL PROBABLY COME AROUND EVENTUALLY. I HOPE. I DUNNO. MAYBE HE NEEDS SOME TIME TO REMEMBER MORE. IF NOT, THEN BANGING HIS HEAD AGAINST SOMETHING IS BECOMING AN INCREASINGLY VIABLE OPTION.”

 

000

 

_“prince”_

“god damn it” Eridan smacked his face down on his textbook, “i thought you guys had gone awway for awwhile”

 _“we will never leave you”_ He straightened to glare at one.

“wwell aint that reassurin” The angel circled around his head, making him flinch.

 _“we will serve you”_ He stood up.

“you can serve me by goin awway wwhy dont you play wwith jake or somethin”

_“we are the angels of the prince”_

“oh so youre callin yourselvves that noww too” He whirled around to point at one suspiciously, “and givven how often you attack my im almost completely convvinced youre either insane or-” It gave a now familiar enraged screech and the student had just enough time to throw his arms up before it tackled him. He yelped as his spine and neck smashed against the levels of his bookshelf as his hands frantically flew around trying to get a hold on it. The demonic creature latched its teeth onto his right upper arm, sinking in deep. He grit his teeth while his other hand reached up over his head. His fingers curled around a small stone wizard figurine, which he slammed down on its head. The angel thrashed and its teeth sunk down harder. He winced; for figments of his imagination that **hurt**.

“you” He seethed, hitting it again to enunciate each word. “are” The creature screamed in rage through its mouthful, “not” The head of the figurine broke off. “real” He gasped as the thing released him, dissolving into a shower of white light.

“yeah” He muttered, curling up and clutching at his arm. “go run and find some corner to wweep it off or somethin” He groaned, forcing himself up. “fuck howw the hell can hallucinations hurt so much wwhere are my pills”

A loud beep nearly making him choke on the medicine. Coughing, he stumbled his way over to the computer.

 

golgothasTerror began pestering claudiusArtillery.

 

GT: Hello old chap! Hows it going?

CA: hows it goin i just nearly choked on some goddamn pills what the hell do you want

GT: Hee hee sorry about that!

CA: why the fuck did i even give you my new handle i hate you

GT: As youre so keen of saying my good chum.

CA: someone please kill me

GT: Anyways i wanted to chat with you about something.

CA: what is it about rox

GT: Miss lalonde? No i wanted your advice on me and dirk.

CA: what the fuck of all people why are you torturin me with this shit

CA: why the hell would i wanna hear about your relationship issues

GT: well i just thought you might have some good advice

CA: wow i cant imagine how your terrible brain came across the idea

CA: but if you cant talk to dirk about this youll talk to rox or jane

GT: Uh yeah i guess so!

CA: well i guess ill do it just so rox doesnt have ta suffer through that

CA: or jane the poor girl

CA: you asshole

GT: I do think ive lost you there! But anyways im glad you agree.

GT: I kind of felt this would be a better conversation between two gentlemen. Two manly chums in it together.

GT: Two manly chums with our angel friends!

CA: oh my god are you actually claimin friendship through our mutual hallucinations

CA: i just had one nearly kill me

CA: again

CA: as far as i can tell theyre just another reason to hate you

CA: maybe yours are pussies but mine are crazy

GT: Yes well thats surely a bit of an exaggeration old chap.

GT: Anyways so dirk and i well im not so sure of our relationship. i mean its nice and all but hes been a bit clingy lately.

GT: Its nearly suffocating sometimes. Im just not sure how to tell him i need some space occasionally. He gets loony every time i try to talk to him about it and it ends up making things worse. Its not unfair for a chap to need a little solitude on occasion right?

GT: I mean i dont want to be mean to him but im wondering about just breaking the whole thing off.

GT: Thats a completely theoretical idea at this point though. But how do you think I would go about such a thing?

CA: oh my god

GT: Is something wrong?

CA: so many other people

CA: and you choose me to talk to about this

GT: Well sure were buddies no need to feel embarrassed about it!

CA: im not flattered you dense asshole

CA: and i cant believe youve managed to make me side with dirk on anythin

CA: i didnt think it was possible to hate you any more than i did

CA: but youve done it

CA: congratulations you amazin little douchebag

GT: So um you think i should try to stick it out?

CA: all i know is that dirk for some reason is completely enamored with you and youre plannin ta dump him on his lovestruck ass

CA: well fine i understand that some people aint meant ta be but if you gotta why dont you keep in mind hes a person with feelins

CA: try not to drop any shit that will make it feel like you never liked him at all or that you were doin it outta pity

CA: like i dunno try not to say somethin like hey now that i feel like you aint a threat anymore im gonna dump you

GT: By my stars and garters why would i say something like that?

CA: fuck why did i even say that nevermind do what you want you little heartbreaker

GT: Well okay thanks for the advice! I do think this chat did lighten my mood quite a bit!

CA: i cant believe you asked me of all people is this some get back for the fair you must hate me or somethin

GT: Oh dont be silly mr eridan!

GT: I could never hate you!

GT: Ta ta!

 

golgothasTerror ceased pestering claudiusArtillery.

 

CA: i know you oblivious little fuck

 

000

 

John giggled unstoppably as he sprinted down the fourth floor hallway. The enraged shouting of his latest victim pursued him.

“Egbert! Get back here!”

“woop!” He ducked into a door marked “faculty only” right before Porrim rounded the corner, covered in talcum powder from the science room.

“Jo+hn!” She stalked down the hall, “Yo+u o+we me a new o+utfit!”

Inside, the boy clamped his hand over his mouth to keep from bursting out into giggles. He could here the sharp clacking of her shoes against the floor. They came to an abrupt stop in front of his hiding place.

“…Tch.” The footsteps slowly retreated, then gradually sped up as she returned to class. John breathed out a deep sigh of relief, then looked around. Surprisingly, the room was empty aside from an odd window at the far wall. It had a thick steel frame with glass that was divided into four even sections. He wandered up to it, tapping it experimentally. It was definitely metal.

 _“whoa, is this part of the evil school experiments and stuff?”_ He swallowed, then tried to pull it away from the wall. It wouldn’t budge. He huffed faintly, then looked around. There was a small panel on the adjacent wall with a single button. He punched it, and the window slid away to reveal a large entrance. He peered inside. It appeared to be a lift, going up.

His hand pressed against the cold plaster. Students weren’t allowed above the fourth floor, there weren’t even any stairs that he knew of.

He glanced back at the door behind him. Well, he surely wasn’t going to be returning to class any time soon, Porrim would murder him.

He headed into the lift and pulled the lever. The window slid back into place, leaving him in total darkness for a second before the lights flickered on and he felt the room start to move.

*ding*

He winced at the gentle bell that announced his arrival and the door slid open. The surroundings were thankfully empty. He glanced both ways, then started to wander down the hallway. Doorways doted the white walls, each with a sign attached to them.

“…Double-check the readings. There’s a chance the machine made an error.” He froze, hearing a cluster of footsteps approaching from around the corner. He looked around wildly and tried one of the doors. It was locked. He swore and tried the next one. He yanked it open and stumbled in just in time.

“whoa…” He stared in wonder at the huge room he found himself in. The ceiling was at least 60 feet away and various computers and machines were clustered around the walls. The lights were out, so the only light came from a glowing glass tank in the center. Something was flying around inside.

“um…” He crept closer and pressed his hands against the glass, finding it warm. “hello?” The creature stopped, then hovered up in the far corner. It seemed to be watching him. John squinted through the cloudy barrier. It looked like it had wings, and a long tail instead of legs.

It was also orange.

The creature suddenly zipped over to him. John yelped and fell backwards.

“holy shit” It pressed its hand against the glass as well, peering at him. “john is that you”

“uh…what?” The boy shakily fixed his glasses, “how do you know my name?”

“look closer” He hesitantly stood up and leaned up against the glass again. His eyes widened.

“dave?!” The creature shrugged. Aside from being orange and having wings and a tail, he bore a remarkable resemblance to his friend.

“shit man i thought id never see you again what the hell are you doing here”

“i…wait…no…” He dropped his gaze to look at the ground and rubbed his head, “i saw dave this morning…you’re not actually dave.”

“oh sure” He shrugged, “im not dave anymore that didnt hurt or anything” He spread his arms out, “you know i was him at one point or at least i remember being him”

“but…” He looked him over again, “what happened!?”

“the school did this” He spread out his wings, “awhile ago they took me up here and tried to make some weird clone mixed with some other things” He gestured to himself, “and well it worked so here i am”

“oh my god.” He looked around at the lab, “this place really is evil. are there any more of you?”

“there was” He pointed to the shattered remains of the cage next to his, which had gone unnoticed in the dim light. “but she didnt take well to being made i heard they were gonna try to make this combination of these other two girls but they left”

“whoa…”

“so” He cocked his head to the side, “you gonna help me break out or what”

“what? oh, yeah, that would make sense! is there a button or…?”

“hell if i know but ill clue you in on something” He glanced at the clock, “its 1:28 and someone always comes at 1:30 to check on me”

“shoot!” His head whipped around, then pointed at a small door in the corner. “is that a supply closet?”

“yeah why” He bolted toward it, “come on man you know the closet is the most shitty place to hide there is”

“youve definitely got part of dave in you” He muttered, yanking the door open. “ah ha!” His ghostly friend looked up again as the boy came running back with a large sledgehammer.

“whoa”

“stand back!” He swung the weapon hard against the glass barrier. The impact jarred him more than expected and he fell backwards. When he looked up he found a web of cracking, but not the shattered result he had hoped for.

“oh man” The other turned toward the door as alarms started to go off. “they definitely heard that alright now you stand back”

“uh…” He scrambled back, then threw his hands up as the creature slammed himself through the weak point, throwing shards of glass everywhere.

“ugh” He slumped on the ground, bright yellow fluid leaking from various small cuts, “okay that hurt”

“oh my god!” John gaped at him, noticing something he hadn’t been able to identify through the glass. “theres a sword in your stomach!”

“what oh yeah” He straightened, showing off the katana that went straight through his abdomen. “dont worry thats normal hey grab that thing on the table over there will ya” He pointed over at a table against the tank. John ran over and found it was occupied by a white pendant with a green design on it and a single gold ring. He snatched them both and turned back to him, holding the pendant up first.

“this or-?”

“yeah” He suddenly charged him. John yelped and threw his hands up, closing his eyes and bracing for impact.

 _“hey we dont have time for you to stand here with your eyes closed”_ He opened his eyes again and looked around. His companion was gone.

“uh, daveghost thing?”

 _“relax im in the amulet”_ He glanced down at the voice coming from the object. _“neat huh now run”_

“Hey!” John yelped and ran for the shadows of the far corner. A group of adults rushed in, immediately noticing the hole in the tank.

“Sound the alarm. The sprite escaped.”

 _“hey dude”_ The necklace whispered to him as he looped it over his head. _“theyll see you if they turn the lights on”_

“i know!” The student slid the ring on for safekeeping and ran his hands over the wall, hoping for a door or exit. “ah-ha!”

One of the adults looked up as the sound of metal hitting metal echoed from the far corner.

“Someone get the lights.” Another loud clang sounded. A second later the room was thrown into bright fluorescence. They found the corner occupied by the covering to an air vent that had been smashed off its anchor.

John heaved himself up a vertical shaft, glancing beind him. “can they follow us?”

_“nah these look pretty tiny”_

“right” He continued his crawl through the metal labyrinth, “so uh, how do we get out of here?”

_“how the fuck should i know they didn’t exactly let me walk around”_

“right uh…” He came across another grate and pressed his face against it. He couldn’t see through, but he thought he felt the outside breeze.

“hey! i think this leads outside!” He adjusted himself to ram his shoulder against the cover.

_“uh thats great dude but”_

*wam*

He grunted, “this is sturdy!”

_“john arent we”_

*wam*

_“on the”_

*wam*

_“fifth”_

*crunk*

The grating flew off and John fell out. The first thing he realized was the ground very far away.

But getting closer.

 _“fuck”_ The necklace glowed bright, _“hang on i think i can carry y”_

A heavy wind suddenly crashed into them, throwing John back upwards again. It juggled him around for a bit, gradually bringing him closer to the ground, before placing him down on his back. The boy lay there, staring open-mouthed up at the sky. His pendant hummed.

 _“hey you alive”_ He slowly brought his hand up to stare at it.

“i guess so.”

_“huh so thats what someone in the breath house can do”_

“what?” He sat up and rubbed his head, “ **i** did that?”

_“well it sure wasnt me lets get outta here ill explain some stuff when we look less suspicious”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I wonder if wizard statues could be used for fancysantakind in a pinch.
> 
> Crusader Kings is some game that involves a lot of political murdering, I think.
> 
> "References to Eridan's death" count: 7


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Roxy plans a feelings jam, John can't keep track of his possessions, and Eridan is irresponsible with prescription drugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly pesterlog, but interesting pesterlog. Aside from that it's kinda short, sorry! (--;) Actually there's a shit-ton of EriRox, so no apologies. ^^

claudiusArtillery began pestering tispyGnostalgic.

 

CA: rox i think im goin insane

TG: wut?

CA: these goddamn hallucinations are drivin me nuts

TG: u mean the flyin thins?

CA: yeah the angels

TG: r they gettin worse?

CA: yeah and ive reached my limit

CA: aside from them attackin me like 80 percent a the time now when they aint doin that its like they know just what ta say ta get under my skin

CA: i know its expected since its all in my head but everytime i think a somethin theyre on it givin me their stupid creepy two cents

CA: and those pills dont do shit

CA: i cant even escape them in my sleep

CA: oh god did i tell you about my dreams

TG: dreams?

CA: its horrible

CA: i keep having these weird dreams like im at this place full a gothic architecture and everythin is black and white its creepy as fuck

CA: and im always so lonely for some reason

CA: theres never anyone there

CA: except the angels theyre everywhere and *always* tryin ta kill me

CA: theyre gonna push me ovver the edge im serious

CA: dont be surprised if you heard i killed someone cause a these

TG: aw dont worry eri

TG: id never be suprerised to hear youd killed soemone

TG: *surprised *someone lol

CA: thats not funny

CA: my other memories aint helpin

TG: the fish hitler memeries

TG: *memories

CA: sure

TG: r u rememberin more stuff?

CA: its comin back to me slowly but i think im still in control still stayin myself

CA: oh also

CA: apparently i guess i already blew it with fef

TG: wat how?

CA: well its not exactly a memory i wanna think too much about

CA: and im not sure a human would understand it its kinda complicated

TG: cmon eri you cant leave me hangin like dat :(

CA: okay ill try to explain it so id had a flushed crush on fef for a long time flushed like romantic

TG: ya k

CA: but i basically ended up splashin right into the deepest friendzone you can imagine

CA: as in i was titled as her official platonic bff

TG: ow :P

TG: dat sucks

CA: haha it gets worse

CA: she dumped me

CA: she dumped me as her bff

CA: she never even had platonic feelins for me

CA: she just was tryin to keep me from murderin too much shit

CA: so like a moron i decided it was the perfect time to tell her my real feelins

TG: um…

CA: you dont have to tell me how stupid that was i was desperate

CA: but a course she didnt return it

CA: just me throwin even more a myshellf onto the choppin block

CA: *MYSELF

CA: and to make it wworse shes datin some mustardblood ugh i cant stand it

TG: uh eri?

CA: wwhat

TG: mutsradblood?

TG: *mustardblood?

TG: dat sounds racist :(

CA: is not his blood is actually the color a mustard

CA: wwhich means hes some filthy lowwblood

TG: eri no stahp

CA: wwhat its a fact

TG: yeah well…maybe we should see how kanny feels about that term

TG: he can give us a talky bout it

CA: fuck

CA: okay okay his blood is dark yellow and not a condiment how does that sound

TG: uh kinda better?

TG: u know the idea of bein better cause a the color of ur blood is racist rite?

CA: i guess i mean it doesnt make much sense from my human side

TG: its no better than skin color

TG: we went over dis wi black ppl

TG: u still dont like black ppl tho :(

CA: im totally okay with black people

TG: u dont like slick

CA: that guy has a scar over his eye and constantly looks like he wants ta kill someone

CA: he was also part of a gang at one point

CA: and he stabbed me with a spork once in the cafeteria

CA: i dont hate him cause hes black

TG: but what bout the umbrella dude?!

TG: and tha MAYOR?!?!?

TG: how can anyone hate those guys!?

CA: the umbrella guy is a moron

CA: and the mayor well

CA: ok you got me there no one can hate the mayor

CA: hes just completely un unlikeable

CA: its almost

CA: suspicious

TG: eri! D:

CA: im kiddin it was a joke

TG: lol k

TG: sry bout feffy tho :P

CA: its fine im totally over it

TG: rly?

CA: yeah plenty a other fish in the sea

CA: in fact i made a list

TG: uh

CA: what

TG: u made a list

CA: yeah you wanna see it

TG: sure

CA: alright ill send it over its from best to least obviously

TG: omg eri

CA: what

TG: do you even know this many ppl?

CA: obviously

TG: this whole thing is a list a people ur gonna hit on

CA: what one a them has to say yes

TG: jade from the sharpsohotin club?

TG: *sharpshootin

CA: why not

TG: jane u cant hit on jane

CA: maybe shell stop pinin after english

TG: wat da fuq eri jake?

TG: jakes on here

TG: u hate jake

CA: yeah but

CA: its that special kind a hate

CA: the kind that makes you attracted to someone

CA: did that make sense at all

TG: not rly

TG: wat bout dirk tho?

CA: its perfect you can date him then

TG: eri noooo

TG: omg i think everyone cept me is on dis list

TG: im kinda hurt

CA: come on rox you know id be weird if we started datin

TG: yeah ur rite

TG: what da fuq cronus is here

CA: hey hes at the very bottom mind you

CA: and dirk aint on the list

CA: cant be poaching on your turf like that

CA: also megido aint here

CA: she scares the crap outta me even when i dont know what shes sayin

TG: okay but sides me dirk and damara everoyne u know is here

TG: *everyone

CA: just keepin my options open

TG: eriiiii :(

TG: le sign

CA: what

TG: u rly arent over feferi

CA: a course i am

TG: no no eri

TG: ur tryin ta make urself over her and pretned everythin is cool btu it aint

TG: *pretend *but

TG: this aint how you move on u know dat

CA: what do you mean

TG: liek its okay ta flirt a little here and there but you gotta understand you don’t NEED ta have someone ya know?

CA: no

TG: eri

CA: what

TG: repat after me

TG: *repeat

TG: imma awesome dude and i dont need a girl/boyfriend

CA: this is stupid

TG: say it!

TG: saaaaay it!

TG: imma awesome hipster fish alien and i dont need noobody!

CA: fine im awesome i dont need a partner are you happy

TG: yaaaay! ^_^

TG: now were gonna help you get over feffy the rite way

TG: gonna do the morunin and gettin over it rite

TG: *mournin

CA: and how is that

TG: im comin over and im gonna bring a quart a ice cream and a shit ton a video games

TG: were marathonin harry potter tonight

CA: are you serious

TG: ALL 8 MOVIES BUDDY

TG: also ill bring booze

CA: no

CA: ice cream video games and movies fine but none a your goddamn alcohol

TG: buh fine!

TG: k?

CA: yeah sure it beats goin to sleep and seein those dreams

TG: yeah lol those sound like sucky dreams

TG: but hey mebbe when were both sleepin i could visit ur funny black and white world

TG: like id just kinda pop outta my dream and float inta urs

CA: i wont hold my breath

CA: but uh rox

TG: ya?

CA: thanks

TG: daw no probs just hang tight

 

tipsyGnostalgic ceased pestering claudiusArtillery.

 

000

 

“so uh,” John lay on his bed, holding the pendant up so it swung in front of his face, “what is this?”

_“beats me”_ The necklace answered, _“they were trying to find a way to force me inside it but turns out i can hang here on my own will if i want to”_

“huh,” He cocked his head to the side, “what did they call you? a sprite?”

_“yeah thats the name they gave me you can just call me dave though”_

“how about davesprite?”

_“dude whats wrong with dave”_ He sat up, still holding the pendant.

“well its kind of confusing if i call you both dave!”

_“we were the same person at one point”_

“i know! but…”

_“okay okay fine i get it im not dave anymore ive had at least six months in that jar to come to terms with that”_ He cupped the amulet with both his hands.

“aw dont say it like that! um…” His brain fought for some sort of subject change, “hey, you said i did that uh, windy thing?”

_“probably yeah”_

“but how?”

_“well you know how the houses have those weird names like breath and time turns out they divide us like that because it shows what treatment were getting like theyve probably been pumping you through of breath power stuff thats why you arent ever allowed to change houses”_

“no way!”

_“dude you are talking to a mix between the spirit of some crow impaled with a sword and your best friend and youre having a hard time believing this”_

“well…i mean…” He examined his hand, then flexed it. “i wonder what else-wait” He wiggled his fingers, then glanced at his other hand.

_“whats wrong”_

“uh, was that ring important?”

_“what ring”_

“there was a ring on the table too. it must have slipped off when i fell. do you know what that was?”

_“not a clue but that place has all sorts of weird stuff me for example”_

“ha ha i guess youre right! i should go find it.”

_“uh instead of jewelry shopping id kinda recommend getting out of the school dont you think like maybe find rose and jade and other me and calling your dad to pick you up”_

“i cant yet though! im helping an alien and his friends investigate.”

_“what”_

“the school kidnapped some aliens and turned them into humans!”

_“huh cant say im surprised”_ The necklace was silent for a few seconds, then the voice sounded again. _“well if you arent leaving can you do something for me”_

000

 

Roxy shivered and changed the carton of ice cream to her other hand. She would carry it in her sylladex, if it wasn’t already crammed with video games and movies. In an attempt to lessen the time of the trip to the Hope House she broke in a jog. Unfortunately her buzzed disposition and an unnoticed rock caused her to fall shortly after the decision, and the frozen confection went tumbling out of her hands.

“aw shoot…” She shoved herself up and went to retrieve it. Lifting the carton once again, her eye caught something shiny underneath. She picked it up and held it up to the light. It appeared to be a plain gold ring. Her face immediately broke into a large grin and she waved her finger at it.

“eris been lookin 4 u!” She tucked it into her pocket and continued her trot toward the Hope House.

“hi gal!” She glanced up at the figure sitting on the roof and increased her speed toward the entrance. “you wvanna hear a song? i just-hello?”

She skipped up the flight of stairs to the third floor. “eri!” She banged her fist against the door, “im here! eri?” She cocked her head to the side, then took out the spare key he’d given her. “im comin in k?” She kicked the door open. “u sleepin or-whoa!” The container of ice cream bounced against the thin carpet. Eridan was sprawled on the ground, eyes closed. He didn’t react to her entrance, or when she knelt down beside him.

“eri?” A bottle of pills rested near his head. She picked it up and found it empty. “oh god, oh my god…”

“rox” His eyes slid halfway open to glare at her, “c-calm dowwn im fine” She dropped the bottle, then shook his shoulders violently.

“i thought u were dead!” He swatted the hands away, then groaned and rubbed his head.

“almost wwish i wwas lemme lie here awwhile” She leaned back and rested her fists on her hips.

“wat happened? did u srsly eat all these??”

“yeah” He shoved himself up, fumbling around for his glasses. There was a large water stain on his shoulder. “after you closed the chat like a million angels popped up and started chattering so much i couldnt hear myself think it freaked me out” She huffed at him.

“dat doesnt mean u can just eat alla them! u coulda killed urself!”

“pff” He waved his hand at her, “yeah right theyre probably just placebos that dont do anyfin” He wobbled, head lolling to the side. “theyre fake just like everyfin else that doctor does”

Roxy gently straightened him out. “eri this aint a placebu or whatever ur more sloshed than I am. um…” She scanned the label on the bottle, “says its supposed ta calm u down”

“i dont feel calm i just feel sick” He growled at his shirt, “and wwet shit mustvve dropped my wwater”

“see the label that says ‘one a day’?” She smacked his shoulder, nearly making him fall over again. “u crazy?” He groaned, clutching his head.

“im gonna be soon if i dont get these thins outta my head” She ruffled his hair.

“i dont think meds r gonna help this”

“probably not” He sighed, “ugh at least they died dowwn for noww close the door and stare at it i gotta change my shirt” She gave the wobbling form a concerned look.

“can u stand?”

“a course” He heaved himself up and spread his hands out, either to convince her of his wellbeing or for balance. “noww turn around kay”

“ya sure” She spun around, smacking the door shut. Apparently her yelling hadn’t attracted anyone. She heard the faint ruffle of fabric

“done yet?”

“no havve a little patience wwhy dont y-fuck” There was a faint yelp followed by some skittering and a loud crash. Roxy whirled around, then couldn’t resist falling into a fit of giggles. Eridan glared at her from the ground, comically tangled in his half-shed t-shirt.

“stoppit i slipped”

“obviously” She walked over and plucked the garment off him. “u need help-whoa” He sat up and gave her a puzzled look.

“wwhat” She bit her lip and pointed at his left shoulder.

“u hurt your arm fallin? maybe we should get janey.”

“huh” He glanced down at it. A large bruise spread out over half of his upper arm. “wwhoa wwhere did that come from” She knelt down to examine it.

“u get in a fight?”

“no” He answered defensively, “aside from those dumb angels” She looked up at his face.

“an angel gave you dis?”

“no wway i mean” He frowned and scrutinized it. “wwell one did bite me there but” He shook his head, “ha ha i mean i imagined one did i musta banged it against my desk or somethin awwhile back”

“actually…” She poked it, “this rly looks liek somethin bit ya eri. u sure-”

“rox” He held his hand up to cut her off, then met her eyes with a kind of desperate urgency. “please dont say they might be real or somethin im not gonna be able to handle the idea that they can actually hurt me” She bit her lip again, then sat back on her heels.

“k sry maybe u got it fallin thru the trap door or somethin”

“right” He rubbed his head, reaching for another shirt. “yeah right thats totally wwhat happened” He popped his head through the collar. “wwhat vvideo games did you bring”

“u sure you dont wanna lie down?”

“ill play lyin dowwn uh” He sat down on the bed, “by the wway are **you** alright” She retrieved the carton of ice cream, then gave him a quizzical look.

“whaddya mean?” He shrugged uncomfortably.

“wwell you wwent so outta your wway to help cheer me up so i dont wwanna feel like im shovvin aside your problems” She laughed.

“cmon eri im fine im not stalked by creepy angels anyways”

“yeah but” He rubbed the back of his neck, “i knoww i wwasnt vvery lucid wwhen i wwoke up but i thought you mightvve been cryin or somethin did somethin happen on the wway here”

“eh?” Her fingers prodded around under her eyes. “was not.” He frowned.

“seriously did you run into jake or cro ill kill em” She laughed.

“eri no seriously im fine.”

“is it dirk again”

“eriii!” She rolled her eyes and tossed him a controller. “cmon we’re here ta help ya with ur broken heart remember?”

“dont see wwhy wwe cant do both cmon sobbin is more fun wwhen twwo people are there”

“lol k”

 

000

 

Dave spun the wooden practice sword over his hand, then caught it by the handle as it fell, flipping it up again.

“Strider.” The coach called across the room at him, “Stick to the exercises, please.”

“chill man” He brought it up to rest against his shoulder, “im not gonna break it or anything”

“It’s not the sword I’m worried about you breaking.” The student chuckled and went back to his exercises. He didn’t notice John trot in through the door, wearing the odd necklace.

“can you uh, see him from in there?” John whispered to his hidden companion.

_“yeah”_ It hummed against his chest. _“looks like i got better thats good”_

“do you wanna talk to him?”

_“nah thatd be kinda weird i just wanted to see him you know curiousity and all that shit”_

“john” Dave lowered his sword and turned to face him, “what are you doing here man is magic club not meeting”

“oh uh…” He laughed and shrugged, “i was just wondering what you do down here all the time!”

_“smooth”_

“shhh!”

“huh” He smirked, then gestured to the practice floor with the blade. “hey why dont you grab a sword i can show you a few moves”

“yeah right!” He waved his hands to ward off the offer, “i know thats just your way of saying ‘i want to hit my best friend over and over again with a stick’!” He chuckled at the generalization.

“hey you might learn something”

“yeah like where it hurts most to get hit.” He shook his head, “i’ll see you later”

“okay whatever” He nodded a farewell, “interesting necklace by the way you get it at the fair or something” He laughed nervously.

“not exactly, i gotta go.” He trotted back up the stairs and out of the building.

_“im right you know”_ Davesprite spoke to him as he headed for one of the gates. _“you were pretty handy with that hammer maybe you should try practicing sometime”_

“i’ll think about it” He walked through the gate and looked around, “so where?”

_“farther than here for fucks sake”_

“well duh! but…”

_“how about the forest where i wont scare anyone”_

“uh i guess, except maybe the trolls.”

_“trolls what trolls”_

“heh, oh man, you won’t believe it.” He quickly began to explain the story behind the trolls, as well as any connected events. He chattered away as he walked down the streets, earning more than a few odd looks from anyone he passed.

_“huh i never figured ampora would be an alien is he really still there”_

“yeah!” He stopped in front of the first line of trees, “is this good?”

_“yeah”_ The sprite popped out of the necklace. “thanks for sneaking me out”

“no problem, but…” His face fell into a frown, “are you just gonna leave?”

“chill dude ill be back i just gotta do something” He pointed at the pendant, “im pretty sure you can call me with that contact me if you need help or something”

“oh, okay. can i tell dave, jade, and rose about you?”

“if you think theyll believe you” He turned around and glided off into the forest, “try not to get into too much trouble and keep that necklace hidden so long”

“okay! good luck! what are you doing, anyways?” The orange spirit didn’t answer; he was already a fading glow between the trees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She was crying because she thought you were dead you dimwit.
> 
> "References to Eridan's death" Count: 7, plus 1 false alarm.
> 
> Whenever Eridan was a bigot, Roxy figured out some way to fix it, through logic, exposure, or Kankri's lectures. 
> 
> Yeah there's no way that ring is going to be important at all. Just forget about it guys.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which summer vacation begins, Kankri meddles, and Eridan crashes the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I came up with the pre-scratch handles by myself. Not sure I did a great job but you know who they are.
> 
> Eridan is always happy to dispense questionable romantic advice.

Eridan leaned against the wall, playing with his phone. The door beside him slammed open and Roxy stumbled out, spun a bit, then tossed her hands in the air in a dramatic pose.

“mah lasht final ish COMPLETUD!” He rolled his eyes and put his phone away.

“congrats dont tell me you were drunk wwhile you took it”

“uh no way!” He shoved his hands into his pockets.

“really so wwhat subject wwas it”

“uhh…” She rubbed her head, “i tink i’ wuz…wateva”

“the wworse part is youre still gonna pass”

“hee hee…” She giggled, then threw her hands out again in a satisfied stretch. “well shummar hash offishially begun! aweshum!” He held onto her shoulder to steady her.

“yeah yeah dont fall ovver”

“eri!” She whirled around and grinned, “we shuld totes go dahwn to tha lake!” His flinched, as if the very suggestion had reached out for his neck.

“wwhat wwhy”

“cmon itll be fun!” She tugged his sleeve playfully. He yanked it away and shook his head violently.

“doesnt seem fun ta me”

“u had fun durang winta”

“yeah wwhen it wwas ice” He dug his hands in his pockets, “and wwe wwere skatin noww its just a giant puddle”

“lol i thought u were a fish” He shrugged uncomfortably.

“i wwas at one point but im pretty sure ill drowwn noww i aint got gils its scary”

“hm…” She narrowed her eyes and scrutinized him carefully.

“wwhat”

“hey eri” She rocked back on her heels, “wat if tha reason ur afraid a the water is cause the school brainwashed ya or somethin”

“thats ridiculous” He huffed, “i just dont like it okay”

“well” She poked him playfully in the cheek, “WUN day imma drag u down thar an teach ya to swim! or remember how ta swim whatevs”

“wwell you better be sober wwhen you do itd be pretty pathetic if i died tryin ta savve your drunk ass from drowwnin”

“psh cmon eri”

“im serious”

“ya ya btw” She rolled her shoulders back, working out some post-test kinks. “if ur a fish alien now dush dat mean we gotta stahp goin out fer sushi?”

“wwhat a course not”

“baht eriiii its canibalishum!”

“is not” He gestured that they start walking, “fish eat fish all the time that’s the kinda wworld wwere in its us or them” He waved his hand, “sides im not gonna identify wwith some tuna maki”

“washnt feffy a vegetarian?” He shrugged uncomfortably.

“fef is crazy nice”

“lol”

 

000

 

“WHAT? CLASSES HAVE ENDED?”

“yeah!” John crossed his legs and leaned forward, offering Karkat a french fry. They were sitting on a stone wall in town. “its summer vacation now.” The disguised troll accepted the fried food.

“DOES THAT MEAN YOU’RE GOING TO RETURN TO YOUR HUMAN LUSUS?” He shrugged.

“actually i think i might stick around.”

“WHAT? WHY??”

“the school lets you stay at the dorms over the summer,” He smeared ketchup on another fry and gobbled it down. “some clubs still meet and there are a lot of interesting activities. it basically becomes a summer camp.”

“DIDN’T WE DECIDE THIS SCHOOL WAS EVIL?”

“well yeah, but all my friends are staying too! and my house is halfway around the country. my dad said it was fine, though i feel kind of bad…”

“WHY ARE YOUR FRIENDS STAYING?? THEY KNOW THEY’RE BEING EXPERIMENTED ON TOO!”

“yeah but…” He gave a puzzled frown and scratched his head, “i dunno! it just seemed like a pain. and now, we can keep helping you!” Karkat gave him a wary look.

“WELL YEAH, I GUESS. I’M GUESSING YOU HAVE NOT YET TOLD HIM YOUR EDUCATION IS IN REALITY SOME ILLEGAL EXPERIMENTATION.”

“ha! no way!”

 

000

 

celibateGuide began pestering gynoAntevorta.

 

CG: Hello Porrim.

GA: What is it?

CG: Although I can appreciate your bias for quick action, typically a greeting would be shared before we move on to the core any reason I would have to contacting you.

GA: I want to know why exactly you’re contacting me before we get into actually talking.

GA: Basically, is this another one of your sermons?

CG: While I am not sure why exactly you don’t want to allow the conversation to travel there on its own time, I’m willing to indulge you.

CG: Contacting you was not meant to be a teaching moment. It was a more personal matter.

CG: Unless you had some issue you wanted to talk about. I would even be willing to indulge your gender-oriented feelings of victimization.

GA: Just tell me your “personal matter”.

CG: I don’t believe that needed a quotation sign, although you were quoting me.

GA: Kanny.

CG: Right then.

CG: My dreams have been getting worse lately.

GA: What? How worse?

CG: Their frequency has increased by about five times. What’s more, you are aware of the contents of these dreams.

GA: Yes, you still see us all with gray skin living on some alternate planet?

CG: That is correct, but strangely enough, I am starting to wonder if they’re actually just dreams.

GA: Kanny we’ve been through this before. It’s weird that you have the same dream a lot, but I doubt it means anything.

GA: They aren’t even that “triggering” right?

CG: Yes well, up until very recently I had believed the visions were solely part of my own imagination.

GA: At least you realize one thing is.

CG: But recently

CG: Porrim please, did the computer not alert you that I was typing?

CG: But recently I ran into someone who had an uncanny resemblance to them.

CG: It has triggered other visions, some while I am awake, and I am getting a rather overpowering sense of familiarity, like there’s something I’m forgetting.

GA: Have you told the school about this?

CG: I have not. And actually, I am starting to believe I should not.

GA: Why not? They can give you more pills. Those helped before, didn’t then?

CG: Porrim, I have a rather odd request. I will ask you to bear with me.

GA: I’m listening.

CG: Could you possibly do something with your “o”s?

GA: What?

CG: Some sort of decoration while typing.

GA: You want me to type something different every time I type o?

CG: Perhaps that is a strange request.

GA: Yes, it is. What, would I replace it with 0?

CG: You don’t need to replace it, necessarily. Maybe add something.

GA: So an o, plus something.

CG: Yes.

GA: Ho+ws this? Is this what yo+u wanted?

CG: Hm. Why that quirk exactly?

GA: I do+n’t know. It was the first thing I tho+ught o+f.

GA: Huh, it’s actually o+ddly addicting.

GA: I tho+ught it wo+uld be mo+re o+f a pain.

GA: I’m basically do+ing it subco+ncio+usly no+w.

GA: So+ is there a po+int to+ this?

CG: I’m n9t sure.

CG: Oh, hm.

GA: Kanny, yo+ur acting pretty weird.

GA: Are yo+u sure yo+u do+n’t want to tell the scho+o+l?

CG: Yes. I am.

CG: Porrim, please don’t mention this to anyone else, especially the school.

CG: I need to talk with someone.

CG: Do you know the new Blood House student? Are you aware of his handle or perhaps his room number?

GA: If he’s in the blo+o+d ho+use yo+u’d kno+w mo+re than me.

GA: This is weird I actually do+n’t think I can sto+p do+ing this.

CG: I think I know someone I can ask. Thank you, Porrim.

 

celibateGuide ceased pestering gynoAntevorta.

 

GA: Kanny, I’m really no+t sure I can sto+p do+ing this.

 

000

 

“Geez buster.” Jane leaned back in her chair, holding the wrappers of a couple of band-aids. “Where do you keep getting these scratches?” Eridan scowled and pulled his arm away, inspecting the bandage job. It was the third time this week he’d ended up in the nurse’s office.

“ivve got a lotta things goin on bound ta get banged up here and there” She rolled her eyes.

“This is worse than when you first took up roller skating! Who do you keep getting into fights with?” He shrugged, gaze sliding toward the wall.

“no one honest ivve just been picking them up”

“Oh, I’m sure-” Her phone beeped, cutting her off. She held her finger up to him to indicate she wasn’t done interrogating him.

Eridan rolled his eyes, but stayed put. He wasn’t about to risk getting smacked with a cooking spoon to hurry off to his nonexistent plans. Hopefully while she was busy he could think of a reason for the scratches, one he believed as well.

He cocked an eyebrow, noting the thin line the girl had pressed her mouth into and the way she was staring at the phone. Her finger punched out short-lettered, one-word, responses while her eyes skimmed over the screen, not really wanting to read but not being able to look away. She finally lowered the phone and tilted her head back, forcing a long breath through her nose.

“it wwas english wwasnt it” She glanced back at him in surprise. He shrugged. “wwas he botherin you wwith his issues again”

“It’s nothing.” She answered, snapping just a little.

“youre still inta him aint you” Her shoulders squeezed upward and down in a resigned shrug.

“Yeah…”

“asshole”

“Well, I mean…” She rubbed her head and sighed, “It’s just I was too shy to tell him how I felt and then he started dating Dirk…”

“yeah nevver let em think you just wwanna be just friends its gonna screww you over later” She glared at him.

“Since when did you become the romantic expert?”

“hey ivve got good advvice im experienced”

“In being friendzoned, maybe.”

“hey” She sighed, slumping against the wall.

“Okay, what would you do?”

“hit on him”

“He’s with Dirk!”

“yeah so its perfect” He held his hands out and examined them, “see hell drop dirk and realize all along wwhat an asshole hes been to you and come up to you cryin wwith all his little apologies” His face split into a wide sharklike grin and he balled his left hand into a tight fist. “then you can kick him right in the balls and leavve him sobbin on the ground like the pathetic little worm he is flip him off for me wwhen that happens okay” His response was to get the tissue box thrown in his face.

“You’re terrible!” He scowled, fixing his glasses.

“thats wwhat id do if he was serious he wwould hit me back then wwe could talk bout datin”

“How do you even say stuff like that with a straight face?!” She smacked her forehead, “What kind of relationship is that??”

“uh” He shrugged awkwardly, “i guess a pretty wweird one forget it” He stood up, “you can do better than him anywways” She bit her lip, twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

“I doubt it.”

“cmon jay” He vaulted over the nurse bed, heading toward the door. “other fish in the sea gotta remember that”

“I guess…”

“sea ya around” He ducked out of the room.

“Alri-hey!” She swerved around the bed after him, “Wait a second! I still need…Oh come on!” The student had vanished, his injuries still unexplained. She huffed and went back into the room.

Eridan peeked out from behind the water heater. He sighed and leaned back, rubbing his arm. The constant scratches were getting annoying. At least Jane knew her medical stuff. They didn’t hurt at all anymore. He curiously peeled one of the bandages back to see if she had added some sort of ointment. He blinked, then fixed his glasses. He squinted at his arm and rubbed his skin. The wide scrap he had received was gone. He ripped off his other bandages, finding only healthy skin. His jaw dropped as he ran his fingers over his arm and held it up to the light, twisting it this way and that. He glanced back at the nurse’s office, leaned toward it, then shook his head and hopped backwards, turning on his heel to head back to his dorm.

 

000

 

“Karkat”

“WHAT?”

“Someone Is Following Us”

“WHAT??” He whirled around to glare down the street, but no one seemed particularly suspicious. “WHERE? WHO? IS HE WEARING A RED SWEATER?”

“D--> The roof” Equius spoke up abruptly. Karkat’s head snapped up at the sky just in time to see a shadow duck behind the ledge. His lips curved into a snarl.

“WELL WE CAN’T LEAD THEM BACK HOME.”

“Entering The Forest Alone May Compromise Too Much Of Our Position”

“HEY!” Karkat hollered up at the roof, “WE SEE YOU! COME OUT SLOWLY BEFORE WE LEVEL THE BUILDING!”

“D--> Is that destructive threat in all honesty”

“NO. SHUT UP.”

A familiar face popped up from behind the ledge.

“omg!” Roxy rolled her eyes, “u guys take all the fun outta this!”

“WHAT??” Karkat gaped at her as she started to climb down the fire escape, “YOU?? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!”

“uh…” She wobbled and steadied herself against the ladder, then shrugged. “i was just checkin 2 see wat u guys were up 2.”

“IS FISH-DOUCHE WITH YOU?”

“nope”

“IS HE GOING TO RANDOMLY SHOW UP AT SOME POINT TO HIT ME WITH A PAIL?”

“D--> Please restrain yourself from such l00d language”

“GO LICK A BONE BULGE. AND NO, THAT WASN’T A COMMAND.” The human giggled.

“eris back at the school so probs not”

“OKAY. SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?” She shrugged.

“jush curious”

“IF CURIOUSITY GETS ME SHOT THEN-” Kanaya gripped his shoulder, cutting him off.

“Curious About What Exactly” The interrupted troll gave her an incredulous look, amazed at the sweet tone in her voice.

“uh…i dunno” She waved her hands at them. “jus aliens. aliens r kewl” She giggled, “aliens in bow ties r kewl 2.”

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWEET NON-GIVEN FUCKS ARE YOU TALKING- ” His jade-blooded friend lightly pushed him away.

“Stalking Is Unnecessary If You Wish To Learn More About Us” She held her hand out, “Perhaps We Can Answer Some Of Your Questions Directly”

“OH WONDERFUL!” Karkat cut in again, “NOW WE’RE VOLUNTEERING INFORMATION ABOUT US. WHY-” Kanaya cleared her throat and caught his eye, making him fall into another grudging silence.

“umm…hmm…” She leaned back, cocking an eyebrow. “ur bein ahw-fu-ley friendly” She tucked her hands behind her back.

“I Have Found That Open Communication And Information Can Open Many Doors” She giggled.

“u want me ta help u wi eri”

“Yes”

“OH.”

“lol k” She swung her weight over to one leg and rested her hand on her hip. “u guys goin back to ur lil alien haunt or somethin?”

 

000

 

“okay i got something” Dave cleared his throat, “jade gimme a beat”

“what?”

“cmon its easy just need a little support here cant let these things get stale”

“support?” The girl hefted her bag of groceries, “i’m already helping you carry these!”

“yeah but raps are heavy in a whole different sense cmon just do what john does”

“you always say john’s terrible at that!”

“okay okay fine ill go find meenah when we get back” Dave peeked over his own bag of groceries. “heads up”

Eridan flew down the sidewalk on his rollerskates, then jerked the heel down to skid to a stop directly in front of them.

“harley you seen rox”

“nice moves” He cocked an eyebrow at her companion.

“you mockin me strider”

“nah dude the compliment was only half ironic”

“wwhatevver you seen rox”

“whats she look like”

“blonde” He tugged at the scarf around his neck, “wears a purple scarf”

“was she drunk”

“probably a little”

“ran into her on the roof” Dave pointed up above them, “she met up and left with some kids”

“wwhat did they look like did they havve glasses or obnoxious shades like yours”

“hey yeah” He tapped the accessory, “except his were broken” The other’s eye twitched.

“wwhat”

“the other one was that loud guy karkat” Eridan grabbed his shoulders, staring directly into the dark lens that covered his eyes.

“ **wwhat** ”

“oh yeah dont you know those guys since youre” He released him and bolted past him, kicking hard against the pavement for speed. “huh”

“uh oh.”

 

000

 

“whoa” Roxy squatted down, staring at the wax structures. “dis is ur computer?”

“yeah” Sollux tapped the frame lightly, “don’t bother the bee2”

“lol” She stood up to look at his monitor. “how dush that werk attall and if it overheats wont it melt?” He crossed his arms, multi-colored eyes narrowing.

“thii2 ii2 way more advanced than your electiic 2tuff.”

“sure 3d kid” She spun around, “was that u that tried to hack my account a couple a times?”

“maybe”

“uh huh ur lucky i didnt report ya to tha skool”

“hey, ii only triied twiice. you have 2ome 2kiill2, but iid have gotten through iif ii knew the technology better.”

“watd u want anyway?”

“kk wanted ed’2 new handle.”

“pfff!”She glared at them, blowing her cheeks up to indicate her anger. “u guys r terrible!”

“WHY YES.” Karkat thumped down into a nearby chair. “WE PEEKED AT A POOR INNOCENT YOUNG HUMAN’S CHAT LOG TO SEE IF WE CAN FIND OUT WHAT OUR FUCKASS FISHDOUCHE CHANGED HIS HANDLE TO SO WE COULD ONCE AGAIN TRY AND DRAG HIM OUT OF THAT LAB YOU CALL A SCHOOL! TRULY WE ARE HIDEOUSLY EVIL AND BEYOND REDEMPTION. CALL THE AUTHORITIES RIGHT NOW.”

“rly?”

“NO, YOU MORON.”

“k” She crossed her arms, tilting her head back to stare at the roof. “eri rly lived here til shuptember?”

“YES. DO YOU WANT TO SEE HIS ROOM? IT’S UNLOCKED.”

“uh” A loud bang interrupted her answer. Karkat winced, then growled and turned toward the front door.

“ALRIGHT, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU WRIGGLERS THAT DOOR IS FRAGILE?!” His mouth closed when Eridan stomped into the room, wearing a face that demanded the immediate murder of some large creature. However, when he fixed his eyes on Karkat the other realized he just might do instead.

“UH.”

“one cod damn rule” He seethed, fist balling up until his knuckles turned white. “and you still go off and break it” Karkat glanced at him up and down, noting a lack of rifle.

“YOU SAID A FISH PUN.” He yelped and ducked as the other gave a sharp right hook where his head would be.

“eri stahp”

“ill stop wwhen i hit him” He swung his foot out, barely missing the troll as he scrambled back.

“CALM YOUR AGONIZED BONE BULGE, AMPORA!”

“no” He stepped forward and swung his fist down. Karkat yelped and threw his hands up in front of his face.

There was a heavy thud and a rather displeased exclamation from Eridan. He lowered his hands and looked around. The Seadweller-gone-human was lying on his back. Roxy stood over him with her hands on her hips. He gave her this annoyed half-hearted glare.

“okay okay im calm noww”

“good”

He got up, as did Karkat.

“wwhy the fuck did you drag rox here”

“SHE CAME ON HER OWN.”

“wwhy the fuck wwould she wwanna hang wwith you”

“WHY DON’T YOU ASK HER YOURSELF?” Roxy shrugged.

“i was curious!”

“curiousity killed the cat rox”

“cmon eri its kewl look” She pointed at Sollux’s computer, “3d kid has a beehive for a computur and it werks!”

“oh hell no” He fluttered his hands at her, herding her away from the computer and the troll. “stay the fuck awway from him”

“LET HER DO WHAT SHE WANTS, ASSHOLE.” He whirled around to fix him with an icy glare, shoulders rising in anger.

“shut up so help me ill hit you wwith a bucket again”

“HELL NO.” He took a step back, holding his hands out. “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT BRINGING THAT DISGUSTING THING OUT AGAIN.”

“eri calm down” He grimaced, but forced his shoulders down again.

“rox lets go”

“hey a22hole 2low down we were iin the middle of talkiing about hackiing.”

**“dont talk to me”** He seethed.

“WOULD YOU JUST CALM DOWN, AMPORA? NO ONE IS TRYING TO KILL YOU OR YOUR GIRLFRIEND. WE ARE ONLY ATTEMPTING TO CONVINCE YOU THAT WE AREN’T SOME TERRIBLE GROUP BENT ON THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR HAPPINESS. I HAVE NO CLUE WHY YOU INSIST ON BLOWING US OFF REPEATEDLY AS IF WE WERE SOME HIDEOUS FESTERING BLOB OF EXCREMENT SINGING YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SHOW TUNES.”

“i **aint** comin back” He threw his hands in the air, “givve it up its pointless its hopeless its a fuckin wwaste a time”

“WOW. AREN’T YOU CHEERFUL TODAY?” He didn’t answer. Something else appeared to have attracted his attention. He groaned, taking off his glasses to rub his eyes.

“rox can wwe **please** go i think id die of embarrassment if i got attacked here”

“ok ok eri lets go” They started to head toward the door. Karkat dogged after him.

“WE AREN’T GOING TO ATTACK YOU, NO MATTER HOW TEMPTING YOU MAKE IT.” He glanced backwards to glare at him.

“not you”

“THEY WHO?” He gave a dark, painfully sarcastic chuckle.

“god wwouldnt it be nice if they tried to kill **you** for a change” He waved his hand as they went through the doorway, “forget it its none a your business”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘NONE OF MY GODDAMN’-HCK!” Something crashed into his stomach, throwing him backwards. The other two whirled around at the noise. His back skidded against the carpet as he fought to get his wind back. At the same time his hands wrestled with some creature. He couldn’t see it, but he was absolutely sure those were teeth he felt.

“kk what the fuck?”

“oh god” Eridan’s fingers went up to flutter through his hair as he gaped at the scene. Roxy nudged his arm.

“eri?” He turned around, planting a firm hand on her shoulder.

“rox lets go”

“but he-”

“forget it lets go”

Karkat gasped, then clamped his hands around what he felt was a snout, then gave a slow weezing breath inward. “…OKAY. WHAT THE SWEET PAIL-HUMPING *FUCK*??” The invisible creature dissolved under his fingers. He yelped, then felt around, waiting for it to come around and smack him again. “UH, HELLO?”

“hii.”

“NO YOU, IDIOT.” He looked around at the other trolls, “DID ANY OF YOU NOOKSNIFFERS SEE ANYTHING WEIRD?”

“We saw you rolling on the ground.”

“1 D1DN’T S33 4NYTH1NG.”

“THANKS TEREZI. WHY DON’T YOU GO-”

“W41T!” Her hand shot up, “1 SM3LL3D SOM3TH1NG THOUGH!”

“…OKAY.” He very deliberately dragged his hand down his face, then took a deep breath. “WHAT DID YOU SMELL?”

“1 DUNNO!” She crossed her arms, screwing her face up into a pensive expression, “1’D N3V3R SM3LL3D 4NYTH1NG L1K3 1T!” She ran her tongue over her lips and grinned, “BUT 1 GU3SS 1T SM3LL3D…HOP3FUL?”

“HOPEFUL? HOW THE FUCK DOES SOMETHING-NO, I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO ASK.” He glanced down the hall, but the two had left quickly. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD’S BULGELICKER DOES THAT SCHOOL DO TO PEOPLE?”

 

000

 

“eri i was totes fine”

“i knoww”

“they werent gunna do anythin”

“i knoww”

“they just invited me along”

“i knoww”

“eriiiii”

“i knoww okay” He threw his hands up to knock away her chiding, “i knoww you wwere fine and you wwere probably havvin so much fun hangin wwith captor so obvviously im bein a dick okay” He shoved his hands into his pockets, falling to a sullen silence. For awhile the only noise was the gentle crunching leaves.

“…wats wrong?”

“nofins wwrong”

“nuh-uh” She punched him in the shoulder, making him wince. “wat up?”

“nothin aside from the angels botherin me again and im pretty sure ivve just been a major dick to you”

“k but y?”

“wwhat do you mean wwhy”

“wwwwhy…” She smacked him playfully again, “were u bein a dick”

“im alwways a dick”

“am not only sometimes”

“forget it its no-oww” He stumbled a few steps away from her, clutching his bruised shoulder. “stop doin that” She flexed her hand, smirking.

“u stop bein grumpy first”

“wwhy do you evven care” He continued along through the woods, now a few feet farther away from her. She couldn’t see them, but the angels were like a thick swirling barrier around him. “its not your job to take care of me and help me through my problems no one said you havve to hang out and wwaste your time like this

_“she doesnt want to be with you”_

_“the others are more interesting”_

“you and sol would hit it off a ton better than we evver did” He shoved some more foliage out of his path, smaking an angel with it.

_“shed be happier without you”_

“maybe if you hang out wwith fewwer assholes youll realize wwhat real friends are like”

_“shell leave you”_

_“youre alone again”_ He paused glanced around. It was hard to tell through the hallucinations, but he couldn’t see Roxy anymore. His shoulders slumped and he released all the air in his lungs in a heavy sigh. There was no telling how long he had been talking to himself.

“HIYA!” A shoe smacked directly into the small of his back, knocking his glasses off before sending him flying into the mud.

“wwha” He shoved himself up, spitting dirt, then felt around for his glasses. “rox oww wwhat did i do noww”

“ur bein stupid, thats wat!” She plucked the eyeware off the ground, offering it to him. “u rly think im gunna ditch u to hang wi ur alien friends?”

“yes no wwell i dunno” He cleaned off the lens and put them back on. Most of the angels had dissipated. “i dunno i really dont i dont evven knoww wwhy you hang out wwith me in the first place”

“cmon eri” She crouched down in front of him, “im not gunna dump ya thats silly”

“is not at least not wwith someone like me” He rubbed his temples with his index and middle fingers, “cant imagine wwhy anyone wwould wwanna stick wwith m-uf” He got a sharp poke in the forehead, cutting him off.

“stoppit. ur eri and ur my hipster wwizard fishy nerd friend” He stared at her blankly. She stood up. “hey, how come u dont wanna hang wi the other trolls?” He tucked his legs up and rested his elbows on his knees, letting his hands droop between them.

“they dont reelly wwant me”

“course they do”

“nah”

“then y r they tryin so hard?”

“beats me” She blew a lock of hair out of her face in frustration.

“i bet they do”

“bet they dont” She held her hand out.

“how’m i gunna convince u?” He took the hand, letting her help him up.

“howw should i knoww” She shrugged.

“bet i can convince u somehow jus gotta think a somethin” He pressed his lips together in a half-hearted attempt at a scowl.

“if you wwanna wwaste your time shore”

“great!” She yanked him forward, skipping ahead back to town. “now lets go! i rly need a drink!”

“geez rox youre poisonin your brain”

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling timaeusTestified.

 

CG: HEY.

CG: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HOPE HOUSE?

CG: OR WHICHEVER HOUSE AMPORA IS IN.

TT: The Hope House? Jake’s in it.

TT: My boyfriend.

CG: YES. WE’VE MET. REMEMBER?

TT: Right. Sorry. What about it?

CG: WE CAN, BY NOW, BASICALLY ASSUME THE SCHOOL IS TAMPERING WITH THE BIOLOGY OF THE STUDENTS.

CG: IS THERE A CHANCE THE DORM MIGHT HAVE SOME EFFECT ON THIS?

TT: So basically, you’re wondering if which house we’re in is connected to what they’re doing to us.

TT: What makes you think that?

CG: ACCORDING TO TEREZI’S DISTRUBINGLY ACCURATE OLFACTORY SENSES, HE DID SOMETHING “HOPEFUL”.

CG: AND BY THAT I MEAN I’M PRETTY SURE HE SICCED SOME CRAZY PHANTOM CREATURE ON ME.

TT: Wait.

TT: Like, an angel?

CG: A WHAT? I DON’T KNOW. I COULDN’T SEE IT.

CG: DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?

TT: I have a theory, but I’m not sure. I didn’t even know he got them too.

TT: Jake’s have never seemed dangerous, though.

CG: MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A CHEERFUL MORON AND ERIDAN IS AN UNSTABLE SEADWELLER WITH RAGE ISSUES.

TT: I see.

TT: I’ll talk to Jake about it.

TT: If you’re right, that would be some interesting info.

CG: OH JOY. I’M SO GLAD GETTING MAULED HELPED US FIGURE THIS OUT.

CG: JUST GET BACK TO ME IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING USEFUL.

 

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling timaeusTestified.

 

Karkat put his phone away and leaned back. He winced and rubbed his stomach. He lifted the hem of his shirt then quickly dropped it back down when he spotted the bright red bruise.

“GOD DAMN FUCKING SHIT STAINED PIECE OF SHARK BAIT…THIS IS ABSURD.”

“D--> The seadweller’s reaction to us during the last meeting” Equius, sitting across the table, carefully fitted another screw into a small metal device. “D--> Were less than encouraging”

“YEAH, I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED IF HE ACTUALLY CALLED THE COPS ON US AFTER THIS. STUPID LITTLE ASSHOLE…”

“D--> I have no concern over the local law enforcement”

“YEAH WELL I DON’T FEEL LIKE WASTING MY THINK PAN TRYING TO FIND SOME OTHER SHITTY LITTLE SPOT TO LIVE. IT WAS HARD ENOUGH-” The doorbell rang, making him pause to look up. “WHAT THE FUCK?”

“I’ll get it!” Feferi flitted past the doorway to answer the bell. Karkat jumped up.

“FEFERI WAIT!” He scrambled down the hall to intercept her. “WE DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS! IF IT’S KANAYA SHE WOULD HAVE CALLED US.” He gently nudged her back down the hall. “GO TELL THE OTHERS TO GET READY IN CASE I START YELLING FOR BATTLE STATIONS.” She gave him a skeptical look, but spun around and hopped off, passing Equius as he walked over to join him.

“D--> Who is it”

“DO I LOOK LIKE I’VE OPENED THE DOOR YET, FUCKFACE?” Karkat threw open the door, then caught the swinging wood and slammed it shut again before flinging himself to brace against it. Equius cocked his eyebrow at the wide-eyed look of terror his leader wore.

“D--> Who”

“GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, AMPORA.” He whispered, digging his heels into the cement underfoot. “OKAY NEW PLAN. WE’RE MOVING, NOW. NO PACKING OR ANYTHING JUST GET EVERYONE OUT THROUGH THE BACK AND *RUN* TOWARD-” He flinched as the doorbell sounded again, followed by some brisk knocking. “OH GOD…” A steady stream of words floated through the barrier.

“Excuse me, while I understand a sudden visit 9n n9 n9tice can 6e a cause f9r anxiety f9r s9me pe9ple, having a d99r 6eing slammed in my face is n9t 9nly incredi6ly rude 6ut the l9ud n9ise and implicati9ns 9f n9t 6eing wanted can 6e quite triggering. I am prepared t9 indulge in any necessary practices t9 put y9u at ease 6ut I see n9 pr9gress 6eing made with this d99r in the way.”

“GO AWAY!” He shouted, clutching his sickle to his chest. “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU FIND US ANYWAYS?”

“D--> Refrain from such 100d-”

“SHUT UP!”

“I agree with y9ur friend. If y9u must swear, please pr9vide an accepta6le trigger warning. And if there are pe9ple present wh9 are unc9mf9rta6le with such language you must then refrain fr9m-”

“FUCK THIS!” He ripped the door open again. Kankri stared back at him, hands tucked neatly behind his back. He was wearing that hideous red sweater again. “WHAT DO YOU WANT? ANSWER IN ONE WORD.” He cocked his head to the side at the odd request.

“…Inf9rmati9n.”

“WHAT??”

“Yes.” He strode past him into the house. “My ap9l9gies 6ut I think w9rds must never 6e limited as they f9rce a sh9rtening 9f meaning and the p9int can’t 6e clearly 6r9ught acr9ss.”

“WITH YOU THE PROBLEM IS OPP-”

“As such-” He spun around to face them. “My 96jective, as I attempted t9 state 6ef9re in y9ur limited requirements, is answers, 6y which I mean I w9uld like t9 ask y9u s9me questi9ns. I will try t9 av9id 6eing judgemental 9r 9ffensive in all my inquiries 6ut f9r n9w I will say ahead 9f time that they center mainly ar9und y9ur gr9up, appearance, and perhaps, in the hyp9thetical chance y9u identify as n9n-human, y9ur race.”

“D--> Uh”

“If y9u feel any 9f these su6ject will trigger y9u in any way then please say s9 and I assure y9u we can find a way ar9und them. Perhaps y9u have a special friend wh9 will c9mf9rt y9u during th9se times. Incidently, 9ne 9f my questi9ns w9uld 6e 9n the existence 9f such a plat9nic friend…”

“OH MY GOD.” Karkat crammed his palms over his ears. “SOMEONE STOP HIM.”

“D--> E%use me” Equius gave a nervous bob of the head, flinging a few drops of sweat onto the ground. “D--> I need a towel. One moment” He turned and hurried down the hall. Karkat glared after him, several synonyms for “traitor” and “revenge” flashing through his head. Kankri continued his list, apparently satisfied with only one victim.

“**HOW**…” He spoke even louder than usual to try to cut in, “DID YOU FIND US??”

“9h, yes this is a rather strange living quarters. 9f c9urse I w9uld never judge s9me9ne 9n where they ch99se t9 live 9r where circumstances have f9rced them t9 live I h9pe my appearance have n9t hurt y9u in any way. T9 answer y9ur questi9n Eridan was suddenly willing t9 divulge such inf9rmati9n.” Karkat slammed his fist into his hand, face twisting into a snarl.

“I KNEW IT!” The other blinked, but continued.

“Yes I f9und it strange he 9riginally was reluctant t9 share such inf9rmati9n f9r s9me reas9n 6ut recently it w9uld appear he had a change 9f perspective and was all t99 willing t9 n9t 9nly pr9vide y9ur handle 6ut y9ur living address 9r at least as cl9se as 9ne c9uld c9me t9-”

“:33< *ac gr33ts the human guest!*” Nepeta came running down the hall, followed by Vriska and Equius. She had a large teapot held in her sleeve-covered hands, which sloshed out liquid when she screeched to a stop. She gave Kankri a wide grin. “:33< *she would like to offer him some tea!*”

“9h.” He held up his hand as a sign of refusal, “I am t9uched 6y y9ur h9spitality 6ut w9uld rather n9t-”

“Oh no! Really! It must have 8een hard walking all the way here!” Vriska gushed and leaned forward, holding a particularly fancy tea cup. “We insist! Pleeeeeeeease?”

“Well I-” The two girls were already pouring out a cup. He backed up a step as it was shoved into his chest. “Very well, thank y9u.”

“YES GREAT.” Karkat hissed under his breath at Vriska as he sipped the beverage. “BUT THAT’S NOT GOING TO KEEP HIS PROTEIN CHUTE SHUT FOR LONG. NOTHING SHORT OF A STAPLE-GUN-” His words froze on his tongue as Kankri cleared his throat.

“As I was saying-”

“:33< come sit down!” Nepeta hopped down the hall, throwing one hand over to the living room.

“9h-”

“RIGHT!” Karkat hurried after her, “WE CAN’T TALK IN THE HALLWAY NOW, CAN WE?”

“I supp9se-”

“D--> We insist” Equius nudged him from behind, which sent him stumbling forward after him.

“I accept y0ur invitati9n. Please d9n’t t9uch me.”

They set him down on the sofa, then made a big show of dragging several chairs over toward him.

“SO WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE, ANYWAYS?” Karkat gave their guest a suspicious look, “IT’S JUST A LITTLE OUT OF THE WAY FOR THE SAKE OF CURIOUSITY.”

“Y9u have a p9int.” He settled the empty tea cup on the table. Nepeta refilled it before he could refuse. “As it turns 9ut it’s more of a pers9nal matter.”

“BEFORE YOU START, WE AREN’T A CULT. YOU CAN’T JOIN.”

“N9, n9.” He accepted the cup as it was shoved at him. “I w9uld n9t make such an assumpti9n. All9w me to explain, f9r a l9ng time I have been having recurring dreams inv9lving, am9ng 9ther things, having gray skin, h9rns, and multi-c9l9red bl99d.”

“WAIT, WHAT??” Karkat leaned in, interested for once. “YOU’VE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT US? HOW LONG IS ‘A LONG TIME’?” He frowned and pressed his fist to his chin.

“I supp9se since I enr9lled int9 this sch99l.”

“FUCK.” Karkat ran his hands through his hair, staring at the table. “WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE THAT? WHAT WAS IT LIKE?” Kankri yawned and shook his head.

“I did n9t c9me here t9-”

“THIS IS IMPORTANT.” He blinked slowly.

“Well I supp9se I…” He paused, “I d9n’t really remember.”

“OH GOD.” He fell back against the chair, gaping at him. “OH MY FUCKING GOD.”

“If we may m9ve 9n, I wanted t9 ask y9u ab9ut…” He tuned the rest out, leaning forward to pinch the bridge of his nose and groan.

“I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO BE INCREDIBLY HAPPY OR COMMIT SUICIDE.” He glanced at Vriska. “HOW LONG DO YOU THINK HE’LL KEEP TALKING?” The troll crossed her arms.

“Any second, actually.”

“WHAT?” A loud thud made him turn back. Kankri was sprawled over the side of the sofa, face buried in the armrest. The cup of tea hung by the handle from his finger. “UH…” Nepeta shoved his shoulder. He didn’t budge. “…YOU SPIKED HIS TEA.”

“Duh. Why, did you have a 8etter plan?”

“NO. THANK YOU. THAT WAS BRILLIANT.” He stood up and poked him. “NOW HELP ME FIGURE OUT A SAFE WAY TO TALK WITH HIM FOR WHEN HE WAKES UP.”

“What? We aren’t going to dump him at the edge of the forest?”

“I WISH, BUT NO. THERE ARE SOME THINGS I WANT TO ASK HIM. INCLUDING ABOUT A CERTAIN HANDLE.”

 

000

 

“Do you have any idea how to hatch it?”

“Not Really” Kanaya gently ran her hand over the knobbly surface of the matriorb. “I Assume It Will Require A Favorable Temperature And Enviroment And Once It Does Hatch I Will Have To Raise It And Provide It With Food Shelter And Protection” She sighed, shoulders slumping. “In Truth I Feel Grossly Unprepared For This Task”

“Kanaya,” Rose hesitantly raised her hand, “May I?” The other nodded, holding it out. The human gently brushed the surface with her fingertips. “How interesting.”

“I Hope It Has Not Received Any Damage From Its Adventure”

“It looks fine to me.” She returned her hand to her lap, “Do you know when you might start?”

“No” She stroked one of the horns with her thumb, “I Worry About What Affect The Introduction Of A New Species Will Have On Humanity I Would Not Want To Recreate My Race Simply To Throw It Into A War For Survival” She gave a faint smirk.

“Yes, that would certainly be a bother.” Kanaya held it up to her face, examining the surface.

“Perhaps It Would Be Better To Work On Developing A Means Of Space Travel And Attempt To Find A New Planet Altogether”

“You mean you would leave earth?”

“Yes” She swept her fingers over the surface, “Though I Would Rather Not This Is A Nice Planet”

“I suppose it is, despite having a few faults.”

“But Can It Handle The Strains Of Another Race In Addition To This One”

“That’s certainly debatable.” Rose leaned forward, looking thoughtful. “Kanaya.”

“Yes”

“Whether you choose to settle here, or find another planet entirely…” She adjusted her hairband, “…I would love to help you with your quest.” Kanaya gave her a surprised look.

“Are You Certain You Know What An Endeavor That Will Be”

“No, not really.” She smiled, “But I do know how important it is to you.”

“Rose”

“Of course, you would probably have to instruct me more on your race if I am going to be any help.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully, “For instance, how many sleeves would be needed for a knitted sweater?” The question sparked a small giggle to boil out of her mouth.

“I See” She smiled warmly, “I Would Be Happy To Instruct You In As Much As You Desired”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry Kanaya, I'm sure Eridan didn't drop it down a staircase by accident or something.
> 
> Eridan does not want a repeat of history that could result in Roxy and Sollux hanging out. He'll have to accept it at one point. Also, earlier at the beginning of Eridan and Roxy's friendship, she would flip him onto the ground every time it looked like he was going to do something stupid. This became such a common occurrence the entire school got used to it.
> 
> Angst is the lifeblood that pulses through my veins. But Roxy will have none of that shit.
> 
> Kankri knows where you live guys. You're fucked.
> 
> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 7


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan maces Gamzee, tries to be a hero, and stands on the hope dorm roof screaming at the sky for several minutes. Not necessarily in that order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit Eridan-centric. Oh well.
> 
> I'm starting to run out of buffer, so if I stop updating for a bit it means I still need to write the next chapter. I'm almost done though so don't worry. Here's an extra long chapter to make up for it.

Eridan raced up the stairs of the hope house, panting heavily. An enraged shriek sounded from behind him, driving him on to a greater speed despite his burning lungs. He kicked open the door at the end and rushed out onto the roof before slamming it behind him and shoving his back against it. Maybe they couldn’t move through the walls today. A voice hissed to the left of him.

_“maybe we cant move through walls today”_

He yelped and jerked into a run toward the edge. The roof was probably not the best place to avoid being cornered, but he was pretty sure the fire escape was this way. Another angel materialized right in his path. Its jaws opened wide.

 _“the fire escape is this way”_ His heels skidded on the concrete in a futile attempt to change direction before it tackled him to the ground.

“oh come **on** ” He growled, flailing his arms to keep the gnashing maw away from his face. “that is **so** not fair” He clamped his hands around its neck. Its teeth clattered together rapidly inches from his nose.

_“the tormented prince is unwanted uneeded hated despised by all including himself”_

“shut up” He screamed, wondering if it was possible to strangle these things. He was certainly trying.

_“we will never die you cant kill us”_

“oh my cod wwhat do i havve to do to make you-” He choked, then started coughing. A harsh dirty smell stung at his nose. The angel apparently didn’t like it either, because it hissed and reared up away from him. It screamed again, long body thrashing wildly before exploding in a shower of pale yellow light. He watched the spectacle in a daze, then caught a whiff of the noxious scent and gagged again.

“wwhat the” He sat up, rubbing his head. “oww” An arm curled around his shoulders.

“you alright there?” His head jerked to the side and he felt a whole new episode of gagging welling up.

“wwha-YOU” Cronus pulled his arms back to raise them in a shrug. In one hand a burning cigarette was pinned between two fingers.

“uh yeah, so i sawv you bust in here and go nuts. you on something?” He scooted away from him.

“no its none a your business” His face lit up.

“hey,” He waved the cigarette around, creating a curling path of smoke. “don’t tell me…”

“wwasnt gonna”

“you got those angel things?” His jaw dropped. Cronus chuckled, smaking the cigarette into the concrete. “figured that wvas it wvhen the smoke helped.”

“oh my god” He clutched his head, staring at him in disbelief. “nononono please dont tell me you see em too” He leaned back.

“awv i did at one point. havwen’t seen a wvisp in ages though.”

“wwhat” His eyes narrowed, “howw did they go awway”

“uh,” He scratched his cheek, “wvell the smoke kept em awvay but after awvhile they just stopped coming around, period. they wvere a little creepy but i got used to them. i kinda miss them nowv.”

“oh **perfect** ” He stood up, smacking the dust off his pants. “so basically evveryone in the hope house suffers from these thins and instead a checkin the dorm for hallucinogenic gas or somethin they decide its normal and harmless and go back to their livves”

“wvell…” He stood up as well. “i nevwer heard them bein any trouble. wvhat’s wvith yours anywvays?”

“none a your business” He growled, stomping toward the door.

“hey nowv.” He popped another cigarette in his mouth, then spread his arms out. “i helped you out pretty good, right? wvasted a perfectly good cigarette to do it.”

“i had it under control”

“you looked like you wvere gonna die.”

“okay fine” He waved his hand over his shoulder, “thanks noww lemme alone”

“no problem” He grinned, following after him. “but hey, maybe this is fate. wvhat do ya say you and me get together some time?”

“ill think about it” He perked up.

“really?”

“no” He slammed the door behind him.

He peered down the hall. No wrathful ghosts came to attack him. He tromped down the stairs back to his room. He shoved the key into the lock on his door and kicked it open.

A message was blinking on his computer screen. He sighed, nudging the door closed with his shoulder. His mood only soured farther after he saw who it was.

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling claudiusArtillery.

 

CG: HEY ASSHOLE, GUESS WHO?

CA: what

CA: how

CG: BY YOUR OWN SPITEFUL JUDGEMENT.

CG: BY INVITING THAT TORTURE DEVICE WITH THE CLOTHING OF A RED WOOLBEAST TO OUR HOME, YOU GAVE US SOMEONE WHO WAS ALL TOO WILLING TO PROVIDE YOUR NEW HANDLE.

CA: figures

CA: okay look im sorry happy

CA: i was a jerk by crashin your party and makin rox leave

CA: you can talk to her all you want as long as you dont bother her

CG: HANG ON

CA: bye

CA: what the

CA: why cant i block you

CG: HAHA

CG: WHY DON’T YOU TRY DIGGING THROUGH YOUR CORRUPTED THINK PAN FOR SOME ACTUAL MEMORIES?

CA: goddammit sol

CA: dont make me get rox for this

CG: COME ON.

CG: STOP AVOIDING US.

CG: AT LEAST TELL ME WHY.

CG: WE AREN’T GOING TO MAKE ANY PROGRESS UNLESS YOU DECIDE TO ACTUALLY TELL ME THE PROBLEM.

CA: why do you care you aint my moirail

CG: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

CG: NO, I’M JUST YOUR LEADER, CHARGED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY OF KEEPING EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU NOOKSNIFFING FEEBLE-MINDED IDIOTS SAFE.

CG: FORGIVE ME IF I’M BEING NEEDLESSLY CONCERNED, BUT I DON’T CONSIDER YOUR PRESENT SITUATION SAFE, OKAY?

CG: IS IT SO HARD TO HUMOR ME ON THAT?

CG: HELLO?

CA: sorry im tryin to figure out how to mute the chat sound so i can ignore you

CG: WOW.

CG: CAN WE PLEASE TRY TO MAKE SOME PROGRESS HERE?

CA: go away

CG: MAYBE IT IS COMPLETELY OBVIOUS TO YOU BUT MAY I JUST SAY I AM STUCK IN THE DAMPEST MURKIEST DEPTHS OF FOG IN REGARD TO YOUR ACTIONS.

CG: SO PLEASE, WHY NOT PRETEND YOU ARE TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT TO THE SMALLEST WIGGLER THAT HAS BEEN DROPPED ON ITS PREPUBESCENT HEAD.

CG: OR IS THIS REALLY JUST YOU MOPING?

CG: ANSWER ME BEFORE I MAKE SOLLUX MESS WITH YOUR VOLUME CONTROL.

CA: why

CG: BECAUSE I ASSUME YOU FIGURED OUT HOW TO TONE ME DOWN.

CA: no why are you still here

CA: i told you to go away

CG: UH

CG: BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IF I LISTENED TO STUPID THINGS LIKE THAT, NONE OF YOU NOOKSNIFFERS WOULD GET ANYWHERE.

CG: OBVIOUSLY.

CA: but seriously why the fuck are you still tryin

CA: you dont even want me there

CG: UM, WHAT?

CG: WHAT PAILFUCKED IN YOUR THINK PAN TO MAKE YOU THINK THAT?

CG: WHY DO YOU THINK WE’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THIS WHOLE PAINFUL ORDEAL?

CA: probably because youre tryin to be a good leader

CA: youll feel like an asshole for givin up

CA: but deep down youd rather not have to get me back anyways

CA: who over there does

CA: maybe fef or sol or vris

CA: haha im laughin

CG: OKAY WHAT?

CA: im not goin anywhere i aint wanted

CA: unwanted uneeded despised

CG: UH

CG: ERIDAN?

CA: screw you i aint comin back just to be part a your set a twelve

CG: WHO’S TELLING YOU THIS?

CA: i got that this school aint exactly good for me but so far i aint in any huge danger

CA: and even if i did have to run i wouldnt go back there

CA: just so you can wish i was gone again within five minutes

CA: its my own problem now so go pull kan out before she gets in trouble and leave it at that

CG: WAIT

CG: ERIDAN I DON’T THINK THIS IS ENTIRELY YOUR VIEW.

CG: I SHOULD ALSO PROBABLY MENTION IT’S BULLSHIT.

CG: ERIDAN, ARE YOU STILL ON?

CG: OH GOD.

 

000

 

Eridan lay up on the roof, staring at the sky. Cronus had cleared out, so he could enjoy the solitude. Abandoning the chat had left him oddly satisfied. He closed his eyes, then opened them again. Even the angels seemed to have noticed his serenity. They circled far above him, barely visible against the sunlight.

He winced as his phone beeped. He hesitantly checked the screen, then relaxed.

 

tispyGnostalgic began pestering claudiusArtillery.

 

TG: rei haaaaiiiiu

TG: geus wut

CA: youre drunk

TG: wrung!

TG: *wrong

CA: no right

TG: buh 4get it

TG: im hedin 4 tha lake!

TG: *headin

TG: come wi me!

CA: what rox wait

CA: dont go to the lake like that

CA: what if you fall in

TG: uh i can swim

TG: unlike a CERTIAN HISPTER FISH DUDE!

TG: *certain

TG: hiptser

TG: fuckt

CA: you cant when youre dead wasted

TG: pshh ill be fine

TG: totes not vrey drunk

CA: you are so very drunk

CA: cmon rox why dont you play some games or take a nap

TG: nu!

TG: im alradey almost thar nyways!

TG: *already

TG: come join me :D

CA: what

CA: now

TG: if u want ;)

CA: uh

CA: its kinda chilly aint it

TG: pthbbbbb

TG: its perf and u know it

TG: its kewl u dont hafta

CA: well i dont want you to go alone

TG: naw its kewl rly ;)

TG: c ya!

 

tispyGnostalgic ceased pestering claudiusArtillery.

 

CA: rox wait youre really drunk

CA: rox

CA: dont go there alone

CA: ugh

 

 _“shell be fine”_ He nearly dropped the phone, then glared at an angel that had swooped down to join him. It didn’t seem hostile right now, and it flickered so much it was barely visible. He sighed and put his phone away, then glanced around to make sure he was indeed, alone. He crossed his arms, examining it.

“wwhat makes you think that” It swirled around in a slow loop.

“ _it is a nice day others will be at the lake to watch her”_ He blinked. That was actually a good point. A second later he groaned and smacked his forehead.

“you can read my mind too right” He took a deep breath. “okay you wwinged snakes i wwant answwers for a change howw about that”

 _“yes”_ He gave it a doubtful look.

“i cant believve im interrogating specters but wwhatevver wwhat do you wwant wwith me”

_“we come to help you”_

“lotta maulin for help” It writhed a bit, perhaps the equivalent of some nervous squirming.

 _“we mean you no harm”_ He rested his chin in his hand.

“id **lovve** to believve that”

_“you can believe it”_

“provve it” He growled, “wwhat the fuck are you”

_“we are angels”_

“you are **not** angels”

_“we are manifestations of the prince”_

“but wwhy me”

 _“you are strong”_ He jumped as another appeared beside him. He batted it away a bit.

“right because jake and cro are **so fuckin amazin** too”

 _“you are stronger than them”_ One of them brushed his face.He resisted edging away. He needed to show them who was boss. _“you are strong a leader we will obey you”_

“god noww youre suckin up to me huh” His phone beeped. He groaned, trying to calculate who it was.

 _“its not him”_ He shot a glare at the one that had spoken, then glanced at the screen. Dirk was looking for Jake again. He was so relieved he actually told him he hadn’t seen him before suggesting he go fuck himself.

 _“theyll break up”_ He looked around, starting to get unnerved by the amount of angels that had joined him.

“wwhat makes you think that”

 _“dirk will wake up”_ One corkscrewed around in a circle. Eridan rolled his eyes.

“hopefully” He paused and bit his lip. “uh can like half of you guys go awway”

_“we can leave”_

“great do it its startin to get crowwded here” They didn’t. He shifted, wondering if he should head for the door. An idea popped into his head. “wwhat can you tell me about the school”

 _“no major threat”_ One answered, with almost a hint of scorn.

“really id consider it at least a problem”

_“nothing you cant handle”_

“alright” He steepled his fingers, examining one. “so wwhat makes you think that” One turned to look at him.

 _“we do not work for the school whatever problem they pose can be handled”_ His face fell into a doubtful frown. One nudged his shoulder.

 _“the others are certainly uneeded”_ He shoved it away.

“wwho the other trolls” He knew they had meant them.

 _“you dont need their help”_ He glanced around, trying to find who had spoken _. “you dont need them at all”_ The topic seemed to have excited the others. They spun in circles, becoming more solid.

_“you were right to leave them”_

_“it was a very wise choice”_

“hey”

_“its best for everyone”_

“cut it out i dont-”

_“they didnt even really want you”_

“SHUT UP” He roared, scattering the crowd. He stood up and faced them with a rigid back, fists clenched tightly “i dont need a bunch a hallucinations to defend my actions” They flew around him, apparently unsure over his outburst.

_“you are stron-”_

“quiet” He cut it off, “wwhen you guys arent suckin up to me or attackin me all you do is feed me either stuff i already know or stuff thats straight up bullcrap” One swirled around his legs.

 _“not all of it is”_ He tried to step free of it.

“no shut up”

 _“a prince will find a princess”_ The other angels took up the chorus. He snarled and clamped his hands over his ears, only to quickly find it was entirely ineffective.

_“a princess to love him”_

_“love stronger than steel and chains”_

_“love strong as the sea”_

_“love strong as diamonds”_

“stopit stopit stopit” He pressed his palms against his temples, trying to contain the headache building. “theres no proof thatll evver happen its all just stupid fantasy and” He stopped. His hands dropped to his sides. “hope” The angels went still at the word. They watched silently as he slowly raised his head to stare at him.

“oh my god” He whispered, “youre **hope** ” His eyes narrowed and his face twisted into a snarl. “youre just my stupid hopeful thoughts reflected back at me”

 _“hope”_ One echoed weakly, _“we are hope”_ They began to continue their paths of flight.

“thats it” He threw his hands out. The shock of his realization was fading, only to be replaced with a rage boiling up from all his frustration. “thats all you are just some wwisps that tell me about wwhat i secretly wwant or wwhat i believve”

_“its true”_

_“its not true”_ The angels flew erratically. Their confused chatter contradicted each other more than ever.

“thats wwhy you kept tellin me all that crap” He smacked his forehead, “ **thats** wwhy jakes wwere so much brighter and **so** **damn happy and optimistic** ”

_“the prince will gain power”_

_“the prince will fail”_

“wwell **i** ” His shoulders went tight with anger as he jabbed his thumb at his chest. “i dont need some **figments** a my **imagination** tellin me about my owwn thoughts and fantasies” The angels twisted around in a frenzy, confused by his rage. Two collided in a violent mess of feathers and light.

_“the prince doesnt need us”_

_“the prince can find his own way”_

_“the prince will attain greatness”_

_“the prince will find happiness”_

_“the prince will never be happy”_

_“the prince will fail”_

“no” He growled, holding out his hands. “im sick of all a you” He put his fists together and let all his anger pour out. The angels trembled and whipped around him, sensing his intention. An angel directly in front of him froze, shrieking and writhing in midair. He slowly pulled his hands apart and felt something tug inside of him. He grit his teeth and continued until the feeling snapped like a tiny rubber band. The angel gave one last ear-piercing scream before it was torn in two. The pieces broke up into white particles which faded quickly. The death sparked a chain reaction as the rest of the creatures dissolved in brilliant bright flashes. Within seconds the last one had vanished, and then Eridan was alone, standing on the roof, bathed in sterile silence.

“ha” His legs gave out and he fell backwards on his butt. “ha ha” He gave a slow shaky breath, “fuckin kneww it they wwere just some fake shit” He wheezed a bit, then burst into a titter of more nervous laughter. “kneww it all that shit didnt mean a thing no groundin at” He paused, then his eyes widened. “rox” He ripped his phone out.

 

claudiusArtillery began pestering tispyGnostalgic.

 

CA: rox you there

CA: please please answer me

TG: yo

CA: oh thank cod

TG: lol cod?

CA: sorry

CA: are you okay

CA: where are you

TG: um at teh laek remmber?

TG: *lake

TG: *remember

CA: right youre at the lake DEAD DRUNK

CA: i cant believe i listened to them

TG: who

CA: no one listen is anyone else there

TG: jus one guy sittin on the pier

TG: kinda wierd

TG: *weird

CA: yeah aint it usually crowded this time a day

TG: oh hey

TG: its 1 a those guys

CA: what

TG: horned dude

TG: just chillin

CA: rox hang on stay away from them

CA: youre drunk you really shouldnt be at the lake

CA: even if one a them is there to help you if you fall in

TG: omg im fiiiiiine :(

TG: sometiems u can be so bossy

TG: *sometimes

CA: what

CA: oh god okay no im sorry

CA: look why dont you tell me which one it is if its vris shell throw you in

TG: ummm

TG: theyvy got long hair and hrons

TG: *horns hee hee

TG: hey theyre turning round

TG: aw eri its the guy wi tha makeup

TG: hes kewl rite?

TG: seems kewl

CA: what

CA: rox no

CA: gams

CA: well i dont think hes dangerous but

TG: hes wavin me over!

TG: imma go talk to him kay? he looks nice

TG: (and kinda cute ;) )

TG: c ya

CA: rox wait

 

tispyGnostalgic ceased pestering claudiusArtillery.

 

CA: rox dont do this

CA: youre wasted please understand your judgement is shot

CA: youre going to hit on gam for fucks sake

CA: wait didnt you say hes on the pier

CA: what if you fall

CA: rox

CA: oh god

CA: fuck it

 

Eridan shoved his phone back into his sylladex and forced himself to his feet. He tottered a bit, then bolted for the door, half-running-half-falling down the stairs.

 

000

 

“HeY SiS!” Gamzee grinned as the human meandered over to him, stumbling a bit on the uneven wood. She had a martini in one hand and her phone, which continued to buzz incessantly, in her other. She plopped the phone unanswered back into her sylladex and sat down next to him.

“shup im roxy. ur one a those guys rite? trolls?”

“yOu gOt tHaT RiGhT On tHe mOtHeRfUcKiNg pOiNt! I’M GaMzEe.”

“kewl” She chuckled, finding his laid-back attitude matched her intoxication well. “sho whatre u doin out here?”

“jUsT DeCiDeD To cHeCk oUt tHe mOtHeRfUcKiNg wAtEr hErE.” His feet dangled over the waves. “GeT My mOtHeRfUcKiNg cHiLl oN, yA KnOw?”

“rite gotcha” He looked around.

“HaD SoMe mOtHeRfUcKiNg cOmPaNy bEfOrE BuT ThEy aLl wEnT Up aNd dIsApPeArEd.” He scratched his head while Roxy giggled.

“omg u musta scared em”

“aW ReAlLy?” His shoulders slumped and his mouth fell into a befuddled frown.

“its ok” She patted his shoulder. “u totes seem fine” His usual grin returned.

“HeY ThAnKs.”

“no prob” She downed the last of her martini, then frowned at the empty glass. “aw fuck”

“rAn oUt a dRiNk tHeRe?” She shrugged.

“ya totes out now”

“HeY.” He nudged her shoulder. “yOu cAn hAvE SoMe oF My wIcKeD ElIxEr iF YoU WaNt.” She laughed again.

“lol wut”

“It’s a mOtHeRfUcKiN MiRaClE In a bOtTlE.” He raised his hand, searching for it in his sylladex. “yOu tWiSt tHe cAp aNd aLl tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN AiR RuShEs oUt…”

“its soda?”

“YeAh yOu gOtTa tRy iT.”

“um shur” Yet another giggle escaped her lips as she lightly punched his shoulder. “aw dats so sweet a u!” She smiled slyly, pressing her finger to her lips. “ur an aw-fu-lly nice guy.”

“hEy tHaNkS” His hand hovered in the air as his eyes flickered through his unseen storage system. “YoU’Re pReTtY MoThErFuCkInG AwEsOmE ToO.”

“aw rly?” She leaned back and nearly fell over. “r we hittin it off well gam?”

“gUeSs sO.” He glanced over at her, then waved his hands. “BuT HeY I AlReAdY GoT A MoThErFuCkIn pAlEmAte kAy? jUsT SaYiNg.” She cocked her head to the side.

“palemate?” He offered her another toothy grin.

“yEaH My mOtHeRfUcKiN BeSt bRo!”

“uhh…liek a boifrund?”

“NaH. a pAlEmAtE.” He reached out into the air, but kept his sight on her. “YoU GoT A PaLeMaTe, SiS?”

“uh”

“oH FuCk!” They both looked up as something colorful flew across the water. It landed with a faint splash, bobbing in the waves.

“izzat…” Roxy leaned forward, dangerously hanging over the water. “a bottle a soda?”

“YeAh mAn…” Gamzee sighed, rubbing his head. “wEnT AnD ShOt mY WiCkEd eLiXeR OuT InTo tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN WaVeS AgAiN.”

“u gunna go get it?”

“NaW.” He tucked his legs up, staring at the colorful plastic forlornly. “nOt aLlOwEd tO Go iN ThE WaTeR. CaN’T Do tHaT MiRaClE WiTh tHe hAnDs aNd lEgS.”

“uh, swimmin?”

“yEaH.”

“well we cant leave’t thar.” She looked around, then pointed excitedly at a small rowboat that had been tied up. “hey! how ‘bout that?”

Gamzee watched as she placed her glass on the dock, then started untying the rope.

“AiN’T OuRs tHoUgH.”

“aw im jus borrowin it!” She tossed the rope in, then hopped across. She promptly fell over as soon as she hit the wood.

“hOnK?” The troll leaned forward to peer at the two legs sticking out over the side of the boat, which was now floating away. “YoU OkAy sIs?”

“ya!” She scrambled up to a sitting position and grinned at him. “ill get ur drink k?”

“uH KaY.”

“sho uh” She struggled to unhook one of the oars. “this pale-buddy. who-”

“GAAAAAAAMZEEEE!!” Karkat crashed through the bushes, making both of them look up. He was followed by Terezi and Kanaya. The troll’s head whipped around before his gaze finally settled on the other at the dock.

“*THERE* YOU ARE. WHAT CRAWLED INTO YOUR EMPTY THINK PAN AND GAVE YOU THE DAMAGED NOTION THAT COMING HERE ALONE WAS A GOOD IDEA? I NEARLY TORE MY NUBS OFF IN FRUSTRATION LOOKING FOR YOU!”

“HeEeEeEy!” He gave him a lazy wave, “bEsT FrIeNd! WhAt a mOtHeRfUcKiN-”

“STOP. JUST STOP TALKING.” He started to skitter down the slope, then suddenly noticed the human in the boat. “WHAT THE-” He squinted at the girl waving at him. His eyes bugged out. “OH FOR THE FESTERING MISGUIDED LOVE OF GOD. WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE??”

“sup nubbies!” She giggled, “nubbies” Karkat groaned, smaking his forehead.

“WHY IS SHE IN A BOAT? OH MY GOD IF ERI-”

“ROX” He winced as a horrified shriek sounded from the top of the ridge up the path. “WWHAT THE **SHELL** ARE YOU **DOIN** ”

“eri!” She stood up to wave at him, “hai! heh u made a fish pun” Karkat stared at her in disbelief.

“DON’T STAND UP YOU MOR-”

“wup!” Her foot snagged on the underside of one of the benches. She yelped and pitched to the side, tumbling right into the water.

“OH MY GOD.” Karkat stumbled down to the edge of the water. “WHY DO I SHOW UP JUST IN TIME FOR EVERYTHING TO GO TO HELL?” He made a quick glance at the dock to find there were no other boats. “GAMZEE, STAY RIGHT THERE. DO *NOT* MOVE. GOT IT?”

“kAy.”

“OKAY OKAY OKAY…” His head snapped around, looking for some sort of flotation device or long pole. No, she was way too far out. “ARGGG IF ONLY FEFERI OR SOLLUX-” Kanaya grabbed his arm. “WHAT?” She pointed back at the docks.

*thump thump thump*

Eridan’s shoes pounded against the wood as he sprinted down the dock. He whipped his glasses off while keeping his gaze dead set on the floundering girl near the boat.

“HoNk?”

His foot snagged neatly on Gamzee’s thigh and he managed a surprised squawk before flipping headfirst over the edge into the water. The Capricorn troll gave the bubbles rising to the surface a confused look.

“sHoUlD I HaVe gOtTeN My mOtHeRfUcKiN MoVe oN?”

“…OH GREAT.” Karkat threw his hand out at the scene. “NOW WE HAVE TO RESCUE *TWO* DROWNING IMBECILES. AND ONE OF THEM IS A SEADWELLER! HE IS BASICALLY A FISH WITH GILLS! ARE YOU REGRETTING YOUR CHOICE TO STAY HUMAN *NOW* AMPORA?”

“I Do Not Believe He Can Hear You”

“GAMZEE WHY DON’T YOU GET OFF THE DOCK? CAREFULLY.” He returned his attention to the girl. Oh man, where did she go? “CAN ANYONE HERE SWIM?”

“I Will See How Deep It Is” Kanaya hurriedly started to wade into the water. Her long skirt quickly began to become a problem as it took on moisture.

“ISN’T THERE SOMEONE TO WATCH THIS DAMN PLACE? FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

“M4YB3 TH1S W1LL TURN H1M B4CK!”

“I WOULDN’T HOLD MY BREATH. DO YOU THINK HE’S SMART ENOUGH TO BE DOING THAT?”

“H3 W4S Y3LL1NG WH3N H3 W3NT 1N.”

“GODDAMNIT.” He growled and ripped out his phone. Maybe if Sollux kicked himself into psionic overdrive he could fly here in time. It would probably be better if Karkat didn’t mention just who exactly was drowning.

Kanaya stopped. The water was now up to her chest, and she was nowhere near the boat. “Karkat I Do Not Believe I Will Be Able To” She paused, “Oh”

“HUH?” He looked up from his phone as a head appeared over the water, then gradually grew into shoulders and a chest as the figure stalked toward shore.

Eridan stood on the slick pebbles of the shore, shedding miniature waterfalls from his hunched shoulders. Roxy was clutched awkwardly but tightly in a bridal-style hold to his chest. His hair had been reduced to a mop that flopped down in and covered his eyes. However, the deep snarl he had twisted his mouth into told Karkat all he needed to know about his mood.

He dumped the girl on the ground, then started shaking her shoulders.

“rox get up” Her head lolled to the side, unresponsive. “rox cmon” The trolls gathered around from a safe distance.

“Shall I Call For Help”

“CALL WHO?”

“rox” He leaned down, speaking directly into her face. “i swwear if you dont get up right noww ill” His voice took on a tint of anger and desperation. “ill go back to bein an asshole you wwant that” He shook her harder, snarling. “im gonna go kick jake in the nuts ill shovve someone off a building im gonna take mits helmet and push him ovver and make him cry you wwant that”

Roxy moaned, then rolled over and released a series of weak coughs. Eridan started to pull her up but she abruptly twisted out of his grip. Her hands slapped down against the pebbles and she vomited out a mouthful of water, then fell into some more coughing. The other crouched beside her, lightly slapping her on the back until she was breathing normally.

“urg…” She groaned, leaning against his shoulder. “omg eri dont pick on mitty” His shoulders slumped in relief, then he jerked up, whirling around to glare at the trolls.

“UH,” Karkat shrugged awkwardly, “SO YOU CAN SWIM AFTER ALL.”

“ **dont givve me that** ” He seethed, words hissing out between his teeth. “wwhat the shell wwere you doin”

“CALM THE FUCK DOWN.” He raised his hands to ward off his accusation. “I JUST GOT HERE TOO! DON’T BLAME ME.”

“are you jokin” He leaned forward, blue eyes sparking violently. “its your job to keep an eye on gam wwhat the fuck wwere you doin letting him wwander off like that” Karkat stepped back.

“HEY, I WAS SEARCHING ALL OVER THIS DUMB FOREST FOR HIM. I THOUGHT YOUR SCHOOL-”

“then you suck as a moirail” His eye twitched.

“OKAY *WHAT*??” He jabbed his finger at the unconscious girl. “DON’T LECTURE *ME* ON BEING A GOOD MOIRAIL. I DIDN’T SEE YOU AROUND TO WATCH HER, EITHER.”

“wut?”

He jerked back. His mouth opened and closed as he stared at him. “WOW. GREAT FISH IMPRESSION. NOTHING TO SAY?”

“she-” He grit his teeth, lowering his head. “rox aint-”

“HeY SiS,” Gamzee wandered over to them. “yOu oKa-” Eridan spun around and hurled something at his head. The bottle of faygo flipped through the air and smacked right into his face. He caught it and stared at the drink in wonder as the other strode over to him.

“OH SHIT.” Karkat started after him, recognizing the small spray bottle that had popped into Eridan’s hand. “HEY, HANG ON.”

Gamzee grinned as the other came up to him. “hEy bUdDy tHaNk-” He blinked as the bottle was held up to his face. “HoNk?”

“OH MY GOD.” A few minutes later found Karkat trying to help Gamzee wash his eyes out in the lake without drowning himself. He glared at Eridan furiously. “YOU PAILFUCKING FISH-BREATH TOOL. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST MACED A POOR INNOCENT CLOWN IN THE FACE. HOW COULD YOU?”

“im mad rox is half dead and the bottle aint empty if you wwanna test it” He helped Roxy climb up onto his back and started off back toward the school.

“HEY!” Karkat released the troll to stomp after him. “GET BACK HERE! YOU MACED GAMZEE SO I GUESS I BETTER GO BE A GOOD MOIRAIL AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU! ISN’T THAT RIGHT? HEY! TURN AROUND!” He saluted him with his middle finger before disappearing over the ridge. “FUCK!”

“SHOULD G4MZ33 B3 DR1NK1NG TH3 W4T3R?”

“Someone Should Get The Boat”

“rox” Roxy slid her eyes open. Her face was smushed against the other’s shoulder. She groaned and shut them again.

“huh?”

“no more booze” She released another, louder, groan.

“eri cmon”

“evver”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, the angels are revealed to be hope. All the stuff they said was something he already believed on some level. Their transparency was a result of his skepticism, especially that of their existence. And they attacked him because he believed they would.
> 
> I swear I was going to have Eridan dive right into that water like a motherfucking Olympic swimmer but literally as I was writing him running down the docks I had the thought: "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS?"
> 
> Haha "poor innocent clown" my ass.
> 
> God I love angst.
> 
> "References to Eridan's death" Count: 7


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Karkat inquires about Roxy's Quadrants, Eridan flips ashen for an inanimate object, and then proceeds to discuss it with an answering machine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn pesterlogs and their need to be in color...  
> I need to write this faster or I'll run out of time...

Dave nudged the greenhouse door open and slipped in. He shoved his hands into his pockets and strolled down the rows of greenery.

“sup mayor” He tossed a thumbs-up at the small kid holding a large ripe pumpkin, He returned the gesture excitedly, nearly dropping his fruit.

“dave?” Jade’s head popped up behind some more plants. “is that you?”

“hey jade” He raised his hand in greeting. “sup”

“hi!” She set her watering can down, then yawned. “what’re you doing here?”

“just stopping by” He rubbed his head, “uh actually were you out last night”

“last night?” She blinked slowly, then groaned and smacked her forehead. “oh man! you must have caught me sleepwalking again! did i really end up all the way at the time dorm?”

“uh yeah” He shrugged, “you went right past my window it actually scared the shit out of me like im in my room and at midnight this bright yellow figure goes by so holy shit it’s a ghost but actually its jade so i wondered if you died or something but then i realized you were just sleeping and had to drag you back before some other time kids decided to do that whole space time dorm rivalry thing and throw eggs at you” She laughed.

“i scared the cool kid? hee hee!” He joined her with a faint chuckle.

“well yeah im not really used to it living on the second floor” Her laughter faded into a confused frown.

“what? did i get on the fire escape?”

“i dont think so” He tossed his thumb over his shoulder. “why dont we talk about it over lunch or something”

“sure but uh…” She held up a potted plant, “im in the middle of gardening club?” He cocked his head to the side.

“isnt it over”

“still a few minutes!”

“aw man” He rubbed his head. “seriously i thought it ended at 1 sharp i was literally sprinting to catch you before you left”

“uh…” She checked the clock on her phone. “it does end at one! but that hasn’t happened yet!”

“yeah it has” He turned to look through the glass walls at the clock tower. “the bell rang just as i was leaving and i was like ‘shit im not gonna make it’ so i started running and as i ran i distinctly remember wishing i had just a few extra minutes like then i could catch you in the nick of time and stuff”

“um okay.” Jade gave him a puzzled look. “except it hasn’t rung yet!”

“uh” He checked his phone. “oh”

“are you okay?”

“yeah” He rubbed his head, “yeah totally ill just hang with the mayor or something”

“great! try to keep him from eating any more pumpkins.”

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling tipsyGnostalgic.

 

CG: UH

CG: HEY

CG: I JUST WANTED TO SEE IF YOU WERE OKAY.

CG: SO ARE YOU?

TG: sup

TG: ya im fine ty

TG: cept eri banned me from drinkin

TG: so i feel kinda blah

TG: but i aint drownin so alls good

CG: OH. ALRIGHT THEN.

CG: I GUESS I SHOULD SAY SORRY OR SOMETHING.

TG: lol nah it aint ur fault

TG: hows ur clowny friend doin btw?

CG: GAMZEE? HE’S FINE. HIS EYES ARE ALMOST HEALED, THOUGH RIGHT NOW THEY’RE ALL PURPLE AND IT’S KIND OF CREEPY.

TG: purple?

TG: mebee u should take him 2 a hospital?

TG: or somethin like that

CG: NO, IT’S FINE. HE’S A PURPLE-BLOOD.

TG: oh rite u guys have rainbow blood

CG: WE DON’T HAVE

CG: OKAY FORGET IT.

CG: I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY.

CG: I SHOULD PROBABLY STOP BOTHERING ERIDAN ALREADY.

TG: cause he maced clown dude?

CG: NAH. THAT’S JUST HIM.

CG: IT’S MORE

CG: UGH, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS.

CG: BUT MAYBE HE IS GENUINELY HAPPIER OVER THERE.

CG: WHICH IS DOWNRIGHT DEPRESSING TO CONSIDER.

CG: BUT I’LL ASK YOU ABOUT IT.

CG: DO YOU THINK HE’S HAPPY THERE?

TG: wut?

TG: y me why dont u ask him

CG: FIRST OF ALL AT THIS POINT I’D ONLY TALK TO HIM IF I WANTED A SUGGESTION THAT I GO FILL A PAIL WITH MYSELF.

CG: SECONDLY, I FIGURE YOU CAN GIVE ME AN HONEST ANSWER.

TG: um

TG: i think hes pretty happy

TG: dunno how happy he was wi u guys tho

CG: OKAY.

CG: YOU KNOW THAT SCHOOL IS BASICALLY USING YOU AS A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT THOUGH, RIGHT?

TG: ya somethin like that

TG: were werkin on it

CG: AS LONG AS YOU ARE.

CG: ALSO

CG: THIS IS WHEN MY PROBING GETS A LITTLE PERSONAL, BUT I FIGURE I SHOULD ASK.

CG: FEEL FREE TO TELL ME TO FUCK OFF.

TG: um k

CG: WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOUR FEELINGS ON ERIDAN?

TG: lol

TG: wasnt expectin that one

TG: we aint datin or anythin

CG: YEAH, I DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE FLUSHED FOR HIM.

CG: THAT WOULD BE JUST TOO IRONIC.

CG: I MEAN MORE LIKE, DO YOU PITY HIM?

TG: pity him

CG: BASICALLY, DO YOU WANT TO HELP HIM WITH HIS LIFE? HAVE YOU TAKEN IT ON AS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO KEEP HIM IN LINE AND STOP HIM FROM COMMITTING AN ENRAGED KILLING SPREE.

TG: taken it on?

TG: ok is dis an alien thing?

CG: YES.

TG: r u tryin to make me and eri a thing

TG: this sounds like a marriage vow or somethin

TG: do you, roxy lalonde, promise to keep eri from murderin more than 5 people a year?

TG: lol

CG: WHAT? NO!

CG: I’M ASKING IF YOU’RE PALE FOR HIM. IF YOU HAVE PLATONIC ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR HIM.

TG: aint platonic and romantic basically opposites?

CG: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

CG: I WISH THERE WAS SOME TROLL TO HUMAN CULTURAL TRANSLATOR.

CG: LIKE, SOME GUY WHO KNEW BOTH HOW TROLL CULTURE AND HUMAN CULTURE WORKED.

TG: dat would be…

TG: eri

CG: FUCK THAT.

CG: I’LL LET YOU TWO FIGURE IT OUT.

CG: GOOD LUCK I GUESS.

TG: um thanks?

 

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling tipsyGnostalgic.

 

000

 

“so yeah” Dave set his cup of coffee down on the table. John and Rose had joined them at the coffee shop. “jade was totally floating by my room in her sleep” Jade gave him a suspicious look.

“is this a prank?” John leaned in.

“no wait, something like this happened to me too! remember what i said about sneaking up to the fifth floor?”

“you mean that crap about finding me as an orange bird”

“yeah! that was real!” He held up the medallion. “but anyways, i kinda left by falling out of an air vent. i thought i was toast but all of a sudden there was this windy thing!”

“This windy thing.”

“yeah! uh…” He waved his hand around, “the wind got really strong and carried me down, and davesprite said i did it, cause i’m in the breath house.”

“so i sleepfloat because i’m in the space house?”

“Perhaps.”

“oh man this is crazy” Dave stole a cookie off John’s plate. “does this mean i can do some weird time shit is that what i did earlier today”

“I wonder what powers would denote to one of the Light House.”

“seriously guys that would be pretty awesome like move over matt smith im the new doctor who”

“I can’t even tell if you’re serious.”

“hell yeah im serious where the fuck is my phonebooth jade or rose can be my companion”

“this would explain how i keep getting out of my dorm”

“or john too i guess does it always have to be female like sometimes they drag along the girls boyfriend”

“hey should we tell karkat about this?”

“They would probably be interested in such information.”

“i dont know how this works does anyone here actually watch that show john have you seen it”

“Dave, we’re talking about the aliens who we have proven to exist now.”

“stop stealing my cookies!” Jade propped her chin up on her hand, staring up at one of the ceiling lights.

“i wonder if-” She broke off, then took out her phone. “oh, sorry guys! one sec.”

“Did something urgent come up?”

“not really” She typed out a response as she spoke, “its my grandpa. he just wants to see how i’m doing. if i don’t answer immediately he gets really worried though. he’s kinda silly!”

“Ah,” Rose rested her cheek on her hand. “Well, familial concern can get a little suffocating now and then, can’t it?”

“oh man.” John leaned back in his chair, completely missing the faint sarcasm in his friend’s voice. “i know, right??” Dave and Rose shared a look.

“has she ever sent you something without being drunk”

“No.”

 

000

 

“rox” Eridan wandered through the halls of the main building. “rox you here” He checked his phone to find she still hadn’t answered his texts. He huffed in frustration, tossing it back into his sylladex.

He spotted Damara and Meulin hanging outside the girls’ room and trotted over.

“hey you guys seen rox” Damara took a long drag on her cigarette, making a point to blow the smoke at him. His insides clenched at the reek, but he tried not to let it show. She then jerked her thumb at the door. Meulin pointed at it as well. “oh” He noticed Meulin frowning, “wwhats wwrong”

The Asian girl took out her cigarette and spoke a rapid chatter of Japanese at him. He blinked dumbly, then glanced between the two girls to try and figure out who would be easier to communicate with. He was just about to take out his phone to talk with Meulin when Damara coughed.

“GIRL.” She pointed at the door again, “IN THERE. SICK.”

“wwhat” His eyebrows went up, “sick wwhats wwrong wwhat happened” Meulin pouted, then pressed her fingers together and looked away. The other girl clucked her tongue.

“SHE SICK.” She imitated tossing back a bottle, then vomiting. “DRINK. GET SICK.”

“oh for the lovve a” He threw his hands up, then strode past them and banged on the door. “rox you in there” He received a mumbled garble that might have been his friend. “rox” A loud slurred voice snapped at him through the barrier.

“g’way eri…” The student’s eye twitched. Something snapped.

“alright” He raised his foot and kicked the door open, stalking through. Meulin covered her mouth with her hands while Damara took another drag.

Roxy was slumped against the toilet. One hand was braced against the rim, which seemed to be the only thing keeping her from falling into the nasty mess below. The other clutched some bottle of clear liquid. Eridan’s already harsh scowl deepened. Being with her, he had seen a lot of bottles, but this one was new to him.

The girl weakly turned her head to look at him. “eri wut da fu-”

“my line” He interrupted her and crouched down beside her. “wwhat are you doin i said no more alcohol”

“i know” She turned her head away, then broke down into a sob. “i knoooooow but…” The other gave her a bewildered look, then quickly reverted back to his sour glare.

“gimme that” He grabbed the bottle, “wwhat is this vvodka”

“nuh!” She tried to yank it away from his grip and nearly slipped. A sloppy grapple ensued, only to be interrupted by Roxy freezing and turning green.

She lunged for the toilet, emptying what were surely the very remains of anything in her stomach. Eridan’s lips peeled back in disgust. He jerked the bottled away, then pulled her hair back away from her face. She twitched her shoulders, trying to jerk him off. He ignored the futile efforts until it was obvious she was done.

“good god rox” He pulled her up and led her over to the sink. “wwhy the shel- **hell** do you do this shit”

“i dunno” She hiccupped, wincing when the water hit her face. “i liek’t”

“you like this” He mercilessly scrubbed her face with a wet paper towel. She yelped, feebly trying to swipe his hands away.

“stoppit lemme suffur”

“no” He tossed the towel in the trash, then glanced down with distaste at the bottle in his hand. “wwhere do you even get this stuff” She leaned against the sink and sighed, closing her eyes.

“huh? havunt i told ya? my mum”

“bullshit”

“uh-uh. i thunk she herd i ‘lmost druwned sho she sent me shumthin stronger” She made a clumsy attempt to snatch it. He easily kept it out of her grasp, then tossed it over his shoulder to follow the towel into the trash with heavy thud. She squawked in outrage and tried to retrieve it. He looped his arm around her waist to hold her back.

“eriiiii!” She smacked her fist against the hold. “cud’t out!”

“oh my god rox youre sick as fuck”

“am not”

“rox you knoww enough fistkind to throww me into a wwall yet here i am holdin you wwith one hand from a trashcan a foot awway”

“ur sho mean!”

“youre so drunk”

“im ALWAYS drunk why da fuq do u care now?”

“you just threww up your guts wwhy do you wwanna keep drinkin” She grit her teeth and dug her nails into his arm. “coddamnit rox this is embarassin its just a bottle a swwill”

“is not!” Tears suddenly sprung up in her eyes. “muh…my mom gave’t to me…” Her legs gave out and she sunk to the ground. Eridan crouched with her, alert for any attempts to cut under him. “s-she nevur sends me a-anysung else”

“wwhat” He sat back, nudging the trashcan a little farther away. “do you guys nevver talk or somefin” She sniffled and shook her head.

“nuh uh she b-barely texts meh attall” She rubbed her eyes, “i-i think she hates me! she prubly wants me ta die a poison!”

“wwhoa clam dowwn rox thats the booze talkin” He tried to pat her on the shoulder but she swayed away from him.

“nuh uh then why wuld she send me alla dis crap ‘nless i’was sum test which i BOMBED” She broke down into another sobbing fit again. Eridan’s hands hovered over her shaking shoulders as he watched her with a mix of panic and bewilderment.

“uh hang on rox im sure that aint it um lets just calm dowwn here rox rox hey” He leaned back and looked around, which only served to remind him where he was.

“rox hey im sure it aint that bad just stop cryin okay please stop cryin i dont knoww how to deal wwith that” Disregarding his pleas, she kept crying. He groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. “cmon rox wwevve got bigger fish to fry than this remember the school” An idea shot into his head. He grabbed Roxy’s shoulders. “rox ROX”

“uh?” She raised her head. Her face was a mess of tears and make-up smudged by her knees. “wha”

“your mom didnt send you that”

“wha dyou-”

“its a trap rox” He shook her so her neck snapped back and forth, “its the school theyre sendin you this shit to keep you drunk because they knoww youre too smart for them”

“eri dats stoopid”

“is it” He locked their gazes together, “did your mom evver ask if you got any of her packages”

“no but-”

“cmon rox this is high grade stuff aint it wwhatevver the reason dont you think shed at least text an occasional ‘did you get my shipment’ or all that crap huh”

“but…but…” She stared down at her lap, “u rly tink dat?” He pulled her to her feet, holding onto her arm to steady her.

“ill say anyfin to get that stuff awway from you”

“oh cmon eri”

“nope” He towed her toward the door, “cmon lets get you to a shower and bed”

 

000

 

“…And yet despite l9gical th9ught being wh9lly against the idea, I am feeling m9re and m9re accust9med t9 the idea 9f the existence 9f an alien race, and even m9re strangely, that I may 6e 9ne 9f them. 9ne 9f these…tr9lls.”

“mmhm.” Cronus tuned his guitar, having tuned his friend out long ago. They were sitting up on the Hope House roof. “sure chief. cool.”

“Cr9nus I am really starting t9 w9nder if y9u have abs9rbed a w9rd I’ve said since I j9ined y9u up here.”

“hey nowv.” He strummed out a chord and winced. “it’s hard. i try but sometimes i feel like i need cliff notes just to talk to you, man. are we still talking about the alien thing?” Kankri crossed his arms.

“Please Cr9nus, this “alien thing” is a seri9us matter. It is making me increasingly triggered simply 6eing human. My existence is 6ec9ming very much 9f an 9rdeal.”

“alright then.” The blood student studied his friend, looking just a bit unsure.

“…If I may ask with9ut triggering y9u, and this 6y n9 means is an accusati9n, 6ut have y9u felt anything similar as well. Say, perhaps y9u feel even a small 6it 9ut 9f place as a human?” He chuckled and strummed out the intro to “Hey There Delilah”.

“me? nah. can’t say I have. wvhy?”

“9h…n9 reas9n.” He stared out across the lawn. “It’s just 9ccasi9nally my dreams feature 9ther pe9ple and-”

“wvait,” Cronus dropped the tune he’d been starting up. “i’m in these?” He flashed a grin and cocked an eyebrow at him. “you’vwe been dreaming about me?”

“Cr9nus **please**.” His voice held only the tinest bit of annoyance. “This is a seri9us matter.”

“hey just because you’re not interested in that stuff-”

“Excuse me I am celi6ate n9t asexual.”

“So you **are** interested?”

“Cr9nus…”

 

000

 

cladiusArtillery began pestering timeausTestified.

 

CA: hey so

CA: youre probably wonderin why im droppin in so suddenly to bother with messagin you

CA: dont flatter yourself or anythin this is just cause as it stands right now i really dont want to bother rox any more than i have to

TT: I see.

CA: we aint fightin or anything

CA: i just feel i should make myself scarce right now

CA: shes probably pretty mad at me right now

TT: Interesting.

CA: man rox really doesnt deserve all these shitty friends

CA: all we do is screw with her life

TT: I see.

CA: cant believe she hangs out with us

TT: Hm.

CA: okay what gives

CA: what the fuck is this

CA: am i not even good enough for your little auto responder now is that it

TT: So you do know who I am.

CA: well yeah

CA: i noticed dirk sounded weird sometimes so i asked rox about it ages ago

TT: But you never said anything.

CA: i dont really care

CA: i mean at least youre willin to humor roxs crush and have some weird flirtlarpin thing

CA: though i dont actually know if thats better since chances a you two hookin up are as nonexistent as it gets

TT: Wow, she told you about that too?

CA: a course were best pals

CA: well we were

TT: Right, what happened?

TT: I heard you tossed all her alcohol out the window or something.

CA: yeah while she was sleepin

CA: she didnt take it well

CA: and since shes actually sober enough to hit me now im makin myself scarce

TT: You sure that’s the best thing to do right now?

CA: what do you mean

TT: Well, from my observations, you two seemed close.

CA: yeah we just discussed that

CA: then i decided to toss that all down the drain like a fuckin moron and take on this job instead

TT: Dude, you’re completely overreacting.

TT: Do you really think you trying to help Roxy with her alcoholism is going to destroy your friendship?

CA: well yeah

CA: or its at least gonna change dramatically

TT: Probably not.

CA: what

CA: aint i obviously breakin out a our friendship to stop her toxic relationship with that shitty booze

TT: Dude.

TT: What?

CA: okay forget it

CA: just forget i said anythin

CA: just try to understand i cant be her bff and cockblock her alcohol at the same time

TT: It seems what you’re trying to say is that you’re willing to help Roxy even if she hates you for it.

CA: basically

CA: i guess thats the kinda guy i am

CA: im gonna help my friends my way even if they dont want me to

CA: someones gotta do it if they cant work up the fuckin guts themselves

TT: See dude, that’s actually not such a bad trait.

TT: That is, if you weren’t like, the last guy I would trust to make the right decision on most things.

TT: What kind of makes it more admirable is the fact that, from my observations, you basically use Roxy as a surrogate moral compass.

TT: Because yours sucks.

TT: Going against her must be hard.

CA: dont talk to me about morals you pretentious piece a plastic

CA: anyways its not like i actually have any business hangin out as her friend anyways

CA: she probably could only stand me because she was so dead drunk all the time

TT: Whoa hang on there man.

TT: That right there is just straight up bullcrap.

TT: 100% with all figures quadruple-checked.

TT: And like, a million significant figures.

CA: yeah right

CA: shes got plenty of other friends

TT: Yeah but none of us had the guts to throw all her alcohol out the window.

CA: she doesnt even need me to help with her alcoholism she would a gotten over it herself eventually

TT: Think about it.

TT: If you weren’t around, who would she giggle over wizards with?

TT: Who would make sure she didn’t flunk history or make ridiculous science projects with?

TT: Who would lend her scarves and insanely powerful rifles?

TT: Where did you even get that thing, anyways?

CA: uh

CA: whats your point

TT: I don’t think you’re as expendable as you think.

CA: well youre a program in a pair a glasses

TT: Yes, and yet I’m still pretty sure I know more about human social structure than you do.

TT: Why don’t you stop immediately assuming the worst here and take on a new outlook.

CA: i cant believe im takin advice from you

CA: but what do you mean

TT: I just think you should stop avoiding her.

TT: She’s out of her happy juice and even if it’s your fault, she probably still wants you around to help her through it.

TT: If you’re going to help her, you might as well go all the way.

CA: what like comfortin her

CA: thats really not my fin

CA: thin

CA: ill make it like ten times worse

TT: Do it anyways.

CA: no

TT: I’ll tell her you’re up on the dorm roof and you want to talk to her.

CA: what the

TT: Can I just remark by the way that is such a crappy hiding place.

CA: you traced me

TT: Yeah, and so can Roxy.

CA: coddammit

TT: Look, I know I’m a souless AI in a pair of glasses, but come on. You can’t be that much better at this than me.

CA: hey

TT: Is it so hard to believe that Roxy might still want you around?

CA: dont talk to me about believin

TT: Whatever dude. I’m just trying to help.

TT: Is there anything you actually wanted to talk to me about?

TT: I mean Dirk.

CA: meh

CA: not really i think i was probably just lonely hangin out on the roof alone

CA: wow how pathetic is that

CA: im sittin here on my ass talkin to an answerin machine

TT: Hey.

CA: what

TT: I have a name.

CA: you do

TT: It’s Lil Hal.

CA: lil hal

CA: did dirk give you that

TT: No.

CA: will it tick him off if i use it

TT: Yes.

CA: alright then hal

CA: guess i should stop hangin out on the roof already at least go to my dorm

CA: so im shuttin down

TT: Sure dude. Good luck with your relationship issues.

CA: whatever

CA: yknow its funny with the red text you look like the other strider

TT: Other Strider?

CA: yeah he texted me once or twice

CA: dave i think

TT: Wait, what?

TT: You know Dave?

CA: yeah dave strider he hangs out with egbert and hes annoyin as fuck

CA: hes got blond hair and round shades

CA: his chumhandle is turntech somethin hang on

TT: turntechGodhead

CA: yeah

TT: Are we talking about a student?

CA: uh yeah in the time dorm i think

CA: go look him up if you want im leavin see ya

 

cladiusArtillery ceased pestering timeausTestified.

 

TT: Eridan, hang on.

TT: Oh shit.

 

timeausTestified began pestering himself. 

 

TT: Dirk we need to talk.

TT: What is it?

TT: I was talking with Eridan.

TT: When?

TT: Just now.

TT: Just now? I wasn’t busy. Why did you answer?

TT: Did you want to talk to him?

TT: Not particularly but he called me, didn’t he?

TT: Are you sure, Dirk?

TT: Are you sure?

TT: Just tell me what the problem was.

TT: Which I would probably already know if you hadn’t intercepted my calls.

TT: Actually you wouldn’t.

TT: He knew bro.

TT: So? I must have mentioned him at one point.

TT: I don’t think they’ve met though, he’s never visited the school.

TT: I think they have.

TT: He knew what he looked like, and his chum handle and color.

TT: What’s more, I think bro’s at the school at this very moment.

TT: And has been for awhile.

TT: What are you saying?

TT: Take a look at this

TT: What? This is just a rooster of the Time Dorm.

TT: Stop trolling me.

TT: Look under S.

TT: So you messed with it.

TT: Did you actually find a picture of my bro as a kid that’s fucking creepy.

TT: Dirk please.

TT: Can’t we both agree bro is completely off-limits for messing with?

TT: I thought we did.

TT: Why don’t you ask around?

TT: Fine, but I don’t see what it will get me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Eridan, always splashing into the wrong quadrant. And always trying to help his friends with questionable tactics.  
> He nearly killed Horuss, who had been outside the Void dorm when the shower of bottles came.
> 
> Dirk is getting real tired of Hal's shit.
> 
> "References to Eridan's death" count: 7


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Dave is accosted by a puppet, John and Jane come to a horrifying realization, and the most awkward family reunion in the history of paradox space occurs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughhh this chapter is kinda forced. I guess I should mention they probably didn't start texting their parents until like High School living in the dorms. Before then weeeelll...*shifty look* Maybe we'll find out. Maybe not.  
> I'm seriously almost out of buffer but I swear to god this story will be finished don't give up on meeee! Thank you so much for reading my story thus far I love you all. *hugs to encompass everyone reading this*

timaeusTestified began pestering turntechGodhead.

 

TT: Hey.

TG: sup bro

TT: How’s it going?

TG: its all chill here

TT: Where’s here?

TG: what

TT: Where are you exactly?

TG: whats that supposed to mean

TG: are you trying to jump me

TG: oh man did you come all the way here to jump me

TG: haha awesome dude come at me

TT: That wasn’t exactly what I was thinking.

TT: Look, I’m going to ask you a pretty weird question.

TT: Just bear with me.

TG: sure dude whatever

TT: Which one of us is the older brother.

TG: whoa what

TG: that is a pretty weird question

TG: i felt we just broke some major taboo here

TG: like its so obvious you shouldnt mention stuff like that

TG: even for ironic purposes

TT: Sorry man, but I need an answer.

TG: well of course your older we both knew that

TG: wow i got that taboo feeling again like im such a chump for playing along with this

TT: You’re at SBURB academy.

TG: uh yeah can we actually stop saying all these really obvious things

TG: its just making me feel weird

TT: Yeah, same here. That’s probably why we never discussed it.

TT: I feel like an idiot.

TG: uh why

TT: Look, meet me by the front entrance of the main building of the school at 3.

TT: We need to talk.

TG: haha oh my god you are actually here right now

TG: thats awesome alright then ill go grab a sword

TT: We aren’t

TT: Whatever.

 

timaeusTestified ceased pestering turntechGodhead.

 

000

 

“Jane!” The girl nearly dropped an egg right into the cake mix. She took a quick breath, then turned around to face the student who had just skipped into the room.

“Jake! Hi, what is it?”

“Oh…” He grinned and held up his arm. A wide scrape ran from his wrist to his elbow. “I took a spill! Do you have a bandage?”

“Oh wow.” She eyed the wound with concern. “What happened?” He shrugged.

“Just a bit of roughhousing.” She bit her lip, then put her baking down and headed toward the kitchen sink.

“Well first buster we need to wash it!” She came back with a damp paper towel. “Why didn’t you go to the nurse’s office?”

“Well this was closer, so I thought I’d pop in to see if you were around!”

“Oh.” She ducked her head to hide the faint blush. “Right, okay then.” He yelped as she started to clean the wound.

“Whoa there buster thats some mighty rough scrubbing isnt it?”

“Sorry!” She eased up a little. “Uh, is that better?”

“Yeah.” He blinked, “Actually it doesnt hurt at all now! Wow jane!”

“Really?” She took the towel away and peered at the wound. “What?” She lifted his arm, then twisted it left and right in the light.

“Uh jane?” Jake gave her a confused look. “Is something amiss?”

“Where’s the scratch?!”

“Have you gone squiggly in the head? Its right…” He twisted his head, then pulled his arm free to look closer. “It was right…” He ran his fingers down the unmarked sink. “By my stars and garters!” He flailed the limb around, as if trying to shake the illusion away. “Jane! By the heavens how did you do that?!”

“I don’t know!” She flung her hands up, “What…Was that a prank?? Did you paint that on?!” She cocked her eyebrow at him, “That was pretty good. I need to remember that one.”

“No!” He shook his head, nearly flinging his glasses loose. “It wasnt a prank! I swear by my grandmother! There really was a wound there! Youve got to believe me!”

“I’ll believe you.”

They both spun around. Dirk was leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed.

“Dirk?!”

“How long have you been here?” He shrugged.

“We should talk.” He nudged himself off the support. “Has anyone seen Roxy?”

 

000

 

“cod damn lousy pesticides” Eridan flipped through his notes as he left the ecology club. He growled to himself and tucked the papers into his sylladex. “i swwear killin a feww choice people wwould solvve all sorts a problems shit is that politically incorrect or somethin”

A loud clatter made him look up. A student stumbled into the hall, wearing a familiar yellow helmet. Eridan groaned.

“fuck” Mituna’s head snapped up at his voice.

“4MMMM…” He reached up to clutch at his head, “4MMMMP-P-P0R444!”

“wwhoa hey” He raised his hands, glancing around for Latula. Any interaction he had with this guy ended with him getting in trouble. “i aint doin anyfin mindin my owwn business here”

“N0…” He shook his head wildly, and it took the other a second to realize he was looking around. “07H39 0N3!”

“other-oh” He rolled his eyes. “is cro botherin you again fuck that guy”

“MMMM4K3 H11M GGG0 4W47!”

“just go find lat or your creepy friend makara” He turned around and started to walk quickly for the other exit. Something crashed into his back and arms were slung around his chest. Saliva spattered against his cheek.

“N00! M4K3 H11M G0 4W47!”

“oh jesus **fuck** ” He threw the arms off, “okay do **not** touch me wwhere the hell is lat”

“11 D0NN000!”

“okay okay stop” He stepped back, but kept a grip on his sleeve. “ill take you to the doom dorm or somethin just stop spittin” He started to tug him down the hallway. “god since wwhen am i the retards babysitter oh wwait sorry **mentally disabled** ” He released his hold on him to make sarcastic air quotations.

“7UCK11NNG 842T4RD!” Eridan winced as his nails dug into his shoulder. “11…11WWW42N7 411W472H L11K3 7H112H…”

“yeah wwhatevver”

“11 H4D 4N 4CC11DUN7!”

“i dont care” He made an awkward “gaking” sound when the other threw himself over his shoulder again.

“11 CCC0ULD M0V3 222HTUFF W1TH M7 M11ND!”

“get the **hell** off me”

“11-11-11 H4D GR47 22HK11N 4ND…” Eridan felt clammy fingers groping at his hair above his ears. “TH11NGZZ R1GH7 H3R3.”

“wwait wwhat” He shoved him back at arms length, “wwhat wwas that” The older boy stared at him sullenly.

“11-11 W4SH 4-4-4” He hesitated, then hissed the word out carefully. “P22211ON11C. 11 R3M3M63R.”

“okay stop” He flung his hands up, “stop dont say anythin else forget it”

“6UT 11-”

“ **shut up** ” He snarled, “tell this to lat or kan or anyone but me”

“222H70P 73LL1NG 47 M3!”

“youre the one yellin”

“Hon3y!” He turned around as Latula ran in through the door. She immediately went to Mituna, patting his shoulder and examining him up and down. “Wh4t’s wrong? 4r3 you ok4y? 3r1d4n!” She turned around, “Wh4t-” She was greeted with an empty hall and the door to the exit swinging closed.

 

000

 

“Wait, powers?” Jane held up her hands, “I have healing powers?”

“Maybe.” Dirk twirled a can of soda on his finger before he let it drop into his hand. “It’s starting to look that way.”

“well it aint so hard 2 believe given all tha other stuff” Roxy’s hand absentmindedly danced across the counter before she remembered a martini wouldn’t be there. She quickly clasped them behind her back. “but the houses? never thought a that so wat ive got some voidy powers?” She wiggled her fingers, “wat would voidy powers do thats basically havin power over nuthin rite?”

“It’s just a theory.” Dirk popped the tab on the can with one finger, “Roxy, did you know Eridan saw the angels too?” She blinked.

“uh ya so?”

“Hang on a tiddly dirk. Do you think we both have the angels because were in the same dorm?”

“Yeah.”

“What does that have to do with hope though?”

“They could be more general.”

“I guess it could be true…” Jane splayed her fingers out and examined them closely. “That would be pretty useful! Have you experienced any strange powers, Dirk?”

“I’ve felt some things here and there, but nothing too noticeable.”

“Golly!” Jake grinned, eyes sparking behind his glasses. “This is making me downright giddy with excitement! What powers has the school bestowed upon this chap?”

“Probably some pretty badass shit, man.” Dirk smacked him on the back, “We’ll figure it out together, alright?” The boy chuckled.

“Uh right! Sounds like a plan!”

“yo!” Roxy jerked a thumb at Jane, “and janey can patch u fellas up when u go and nearly kill urselfs. wins all around.” Her friend started, then gave a small smile.

“Um, sure! Just don’t go overboard…”

“janey cmon” She nudged her with her elbow. “theyre all about overboard ur gonna need the entire life house on dis”

“Say where is mr eridan anyways?”

“club. shoulda just ended”

“Well, someone can fill him in later.” Dirk checked his phone, “I need to be somewhere.”

 

000

 

“And The Last Quadrant Is Auspistice Which Has The Role Of Mediating Between Two Other Trolls In A Caliginous Relationship”

“So it consists of three people.” The two girls were walking across the lawn as they talked, heading for the Light Dorm so Rose could show her something in her room.

“Yes The Term Is Called Ashen And”

“One moment.” She held up her hand, bringing their progress to a halt.

“Yes What Is It” She squinted and shaded her hand against the sunlight.

“Interesting.” She walked over to some bushes near the entrance to the main building. Following her, Kanaya caught sight of a figure crounching there.

“Dave,” She tucked her hands behind her back and leaned over her friend. “If I may inquire, is there a reason behind this?”

“goddammit rose” He flicked his hand at her while peering through the foliage. “cant you see im hiding cmon shoo”

“Is There A Particular Reason For Your Desire To Not Be Seen” He glanced up, having not noticed the other girl.

“jesus youre gonna give me away im waiting for my brother”

“Your brother’s here?”

“A Human Relative”

“yeah”

“Do You Not Want To See Him”

“sure i do” He scanned the empty lawn. “just trying to make sure i see him first its a thing you wouldnt get like if you tried to tell me all about your knitting or horrorterrors id be like okay that sounds really fucked up but from your perspective its totally normal do you see him”

“Someone Is Coming”

“oh shit” He ducked further into the leaves. “okay im not here why dont you guys help me out act casual or make out or something”

“Too late, they appear to be coming over to us. They look about our age though.”

“oh come on” He stood up, knocking a leaf from his shoulder. “whats a guy gotta do to-” His words faded, and for a few seconds his jaw worked silently, trying to find them again. “to…”

“Hey.” Hands dug into his pockets, Dirk faced the other with his usual calm expression. Roxy, standing beside him, peaked at the other boy curiously.

The two Striders stared at each other for several long seconds.

Dirk finally broke the stillness. He shifted his weight and cleared his throat.

“Sup Dave.” The other finally closed his mouth.

“what the fuck is this” He crossed his arms and cocked his head to the side. “who the fuck are you rose did you set this up is this some psychology trick not cool”

“omg dirk is this ur bro i thought he was liek 20”

“Yeah, me too.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “This sucks.”

“seriously who are you”

“I’m your brother, Dave.”

“uh yeah im pretty sure my bro is older than me by like at least six years”

“Oh dear.”

“You’re Dave Strider, aren’t you? You’re turntechGodhead and you make a webcomic called Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.”

“yeah okay thats me but i dont see any proof that youre my bro you probably just looked him up or some-” A mass of fabric slammed into his face, wrapping its long limbs around him from the momentum. He made some sort of muffled expletive and stumbled back. He ripped the doll off him and glared at it.

“okay what the fu-HOLY SHIT” He hurled the puppet away from him while at the same time jumping backwards into a fighting stance. Dirk caught it, then held it out again. The plastic grin and bright blue eyes stared at him eerily.

“Come on dude, it’s just Cal. I remember you gave him to me as a kid.”

“uh **no** i did not give you that creepy ass puppet i mean sorry lil cals awesome okay no actually if youre my age forget it lil cal is freaky as fuck that thing has haunted my dreams for years do **not** fucking throw him at me oh my god how do you have cal”

“Cal’s one of a kind. You know it.”

“oh my god” Dave pressed the palms of his hands to his temples, “shit its really you man okay give me a second here”

An awkward silence settled over the group. Dirk fixed the puppet around his shoulders, ignoring the disconcerted look from Roxy. Dave stared at the ground, still rubbing his temples. Kanaya leaned toward Rose.

“Could You Please Explain To Me This Particular Human Interaction”

“It would seem Dave’s brother, who was previously thought to be somewhat older than him and his legal guardian, is in reality almost the same age as well as a student here. The puppet appears to be a mutual acquaintance. Dave’s brother also seemed to believe Dave was his older brother and guardian. I would blame the school.”

“Excuse Me” She addressed Roxy, “Have We Met Before” The girl frowned in thought.

“uhhh maybe? u seem kinda familiar…”

“hey rox” Eridan zoomed up the pathway on his rollerskates. He screeched to a stop in front of the group, briefly bringing himself to the center of attention. “ivve been lookin all ovver wwhat” His eyes flickered to Kanaya. “oh cod dammit”

“now i remember!” She jabbed her finger into the air, “u were that girl wi tha egg thin! hows it goin?”

“Ah Yes You Were There When Eridan Returned It”

“rite, and uh…” She peered at Rose for a few seconds, “u look **rly** familiar…” The other girl crossed her arms.

“I should hope so, considering we’ve been in the same magic club for several year now.”

“oh ya ur that girl who reads in the back”

“And you’re the one who’s always drunk.” She stuck her tongue out at her.

“im not drunk **nao** …”

“hey” Eridan nudged Roxy and jerked his chin at the two boys, “wwhats up wwith the striders”

“wait hang on” Dave pointed at his brother, “you knew my bro was here”

“oh so you guys **are** related”

“Dude, how was this not obvious?”

“beats me i just thought strider meant insufferable prick in some language”

“hey to be fair he did ask me if i had a twin when we first met but i was like nah i have an brother whos WAY OLDER THAN ME”

“Eridan.” Dirk spun on his heel to face him.

“huh wwhat”

“You told me you had parents once, right? A family back in Finland.” He scowled at him.

“yeah but lookin back i guess i dont”

“But you thought you did.”

“yeah”

“The school messed with your mind.”

“jeez strider it aint like you to be behind the times”

“hey say something in finnish”

“fuck you”

“also whos the girl next to you is she single” Eridan glanced at Roxy while Dirk smacked his palm against his head.

“Aw hell.”

“wwhat do you think rox hes like dirk but likes girls”

“lol ill think bout it” She grinned at Dave and winked, “yo sup dirks bro im roxy lalonde”

“Roxy?” Rose pursed her lips and her eyes narrowed. “That’s my mother’s name.”

“wat roxy?”

“No, Roxy Lalonde.” She crossed her arms, allowing for the dramatic silence her announcement had made. “I am apprehensive to mention this, but **my** name is Rose Lalonde.”

“…oh” Roxy’s eyes widened and her hands crawled up to cover her mouth. “oh…my god”

“If I may ask, your pesterchum handle wouldn’t happen to be tipsyGnostalgic would it?”

“oh my goooood” She stumbled back. Eridan glided over and caught her shoulder, an old habit from her less sober days.

“rox you ok”

“i need a drink” She whimpered.

 

000

 

“Wait, so…” Jane set down a plate of cookies while at the same time giving Dirk a skeptical look. “You and Roxy found out your parents were kids? And students here?”

“Basically.” Dirk sat down, pulling several cans of soda out of his sylladex.

“yo” Dave, slumped back in a chair next to Rose, raised his finger. “thats me im dave”

“Um, hello?”

“Dave, that’s Jane. Jane, Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde, and…”

“Kanaya Maryam”

“Right.” He sent two cans skittering across the table to Eridan, who deftly caught one and deflected the other into Roxy’s grip. Dirk then simultaneously flicked two more to either side of him. Jake caught one while Jane caught the other as she sat down. This was all done in the space of less than five seconds.

“Was that a practiced performance?”

“ya” Roxy rested her head on the can. “dirk gets tha cans and and we’re all like oh shit time for air hockey” Jane opened hers with a faint *psst* while Dirk tossed some extra cans at the others, guessing on the flavors.

“What’s really interesting is when he gives us the wrong cans and we juggle them around a bit.”

“Interesting”

“goddammit you are bro”

“Golly gee wiz!” Jake leaned backwards, swinging his feet back and forth under the table. “This sure is a downright kooky turn of events! Who would have thought dirks old brother would be right here with us this whole time?!”

“right by the way” Dave pointed at the chuckling boy next to his brother. “who the hell is this idiot no offense man but no one talks like that even for ironic purposes its just that bad”

“Dave,” Rose gently chided him, “that’s rude.”

“cmon i couldnt have been the only one to be thinking it”

“i wwas thinkin it”

“eri not now”

Dirk leaned back, swiping the remaining can off the table.

“You wanted to meet my boyfriend, Jake English right?”

“yeah”

“That” He popped the tab off the can with one finger, “is Jake English.” He knocked back a gulp while the other Strider stared at him in utter disbelief for the second time today.

“bullshit”

“Nope.”

“this guy”

“Yeah.”

“who im pretty sure used golly completely unironically”

“Totally unironically.”

“dude” His face turned deadpan again, “as your apparently older brother i am so disappointed in you like here is me shaking my head in brotherly sadness this guy better be fucking **amazing** in bed or something”

Dirk choked on his soda and jerked forward. Jane ducked her head, but not before her face had gone cheery red. Eridan also fell into a mess of sputtering, but it soon became apparent he was laughing. Roxy jabbed him in the shoulder.

Jake blinked rapidly several times, looking, to his credit, uncomfortable.

“Well uh golly thats…”

“can you” He pinched the bridge of his nose and flicked his hand at him without looking at him. “stop saying that”

“Its just my meaning of speech!”

“you sound like a fifties movie”

“cmon strider” Eridan snapped suddenly, “it aint like your cool ironic speech sounds any less stupid least hes tryin to be original instead a some hipster act”

“youre calling **me** a hipster”

“omg eri did you just stick up for jake?”

“no” He answered loudly, then reached over to grab a cookies off the plate. His denial did nothing to change the smirk and wiggling eyebrows his friend was giving him. He returned them with the sourest look he could manage to give her. “goddamit rox you aint evven drun-WWAIT” He slammed his fist on the table and jabbed a finger at Rose, “ **youre** her mom” She stared at him with a mix of pity and disappointment.

“Well, there goes any hope we were all on the same page.”

“no i mean” He snarled and shook his head, “wwhat the fuck wwas wwith all that alcohol”

“Alcohol?”

“you sent her boxes a it didnt you wwhat the hell” She crossed her arms and gave him a calculating look.

“Do you really think that I, a girl of 16, would not only be able to purchase alcohol, but also decide to send it to my mother. That said, since it appears she has been here all along, would the school allow such a package to reach its students?” His mouth opened to respond, then closed.

“uh”

“eriii” She prodded him. Her voice lowered to an excited whisper. “it was the schoooool”

“wwhat are you serious”

“it was ur idea!”

“yeah but” He groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “jesus fuck”

“man” Dave adjusted his glasses, “the school seriously pulled some major wool over all of us like im talking every damn sheep on this continent all getting shoved right against our faces and we didnt notice shit”

“This is certainly a…shocking development.”

Dirk leaned over the table to stare at Dave, “I’m not even sure we’re actually related anymore.”

“you guys are definitely related” Eridan grunted before he nabbed another cookie, washing it down with some soda.

“Isn’t there another Ampora in this school?”

“dont even think about it” He growled, “i dont havve parents”

“where the hell did you come from then”

“you reelly wwanna knoww” Dave smirked.

“heh good point”

“wait eri how do u guys reproduce anyways?”

“yeah like im gonna dig through my memories just to think a that”

“hey!” They all glanced up as John stumbled into doorway. “rose! dave! we’ve been looking all over for you!” Jade popped up behind him.

“theres a thing at the breath house you gotta check it out! uh…” She ducked under her friend’s arm. “hi! who-” Dave jabbed two fingers at two empty seats.

“sit down youre not gonna believe this”

They glanced at each other, then took the seats. Jade waved awkwardly to Jake beside her.

“okay so” He pointed to Dirk, “dirk strider my bro who is apparently my age” He pointed at Roxy. “roxy lalonde whos apparently roses mom”

“wait, what?”

“huh?”

“bro mom” He gestured to his friends, “this is john and jade from the breath and space houses” Rose nodded.

“We may have come to the realization that the people we had been texting, who we believed to be our guardians, were actually just a couple more students here at school.”

“uh…” John gave her a blank look while his hand subconsciously crawled over to the plate of cookies. “how does that work?”

“Recall we have been in this school system for a long time. The memories I have of my mother…” Her face fell into a faint frown and her fingers laced themselves together on the table. “I do not recall much at all, aside from some faint recollections. I had thought this was normal, and saw no reason to probe too deeply.”

“uh, okay that’s…creepy.”

“yeah try to imagine youre dad actually being this other kid in some other dorm”

“haha, that would be pretty crazy!”

“yeah man this school is nuts”

There was some nervous laughter shared around the group, following by a contest of who could be the most interested in the table. It was Eridan who finally cleared his throat.

“uh is there a reason they cant be exactly”

“My grandmas name is jade too.”

“Son of a fuck.” Dirk smacked his forehead, then raised his hands. “Okay, everyone text their respective legal guardians.”

The phones all came out and there was a storm of beeping. A few seconds later it was answered with another wave of chirps announcing a message had been received.

“By my garters.” Jake breathed, staring at his screen. He glanced up at the girl beside him. “Jade **harley**? **Grandma??** ”

“oooohhhhh…” Jade pressed her phone against her mouth and returned the stare with wide eyes. “ohhh noooo…”

“see dude” Dave gestured to them, “this is what happens when you talk like that it gives people the wrong image”

“wat bout janey and john?” They all turned to look at the two kids. They both raised their heads slowly to meet the gaze, then simultaneously broke a fit of giggling.

“Is Laughter A Typical Reaction In This Situation”

“I’m fairly sure this situation in itself isn’t typical at all.”

“My dad.” Jane answered first, “He answered back. He even asked me how school was going.”

“mine too” John chuckled, “and i’m pretty sure you aren’t my dad! right?”

“No way!” They fell into another round of laughter, and this time they were joined by some others as the tension dropped away.

“oh man” John coughed, “still, this is pretty crazy! it’s way more interesting than the thing at the breath house for sure!”

“By george it is!” Jake leaned forward on the table, giving Jade a grin. “Grandma! Its so nice to see you! Youre a tad more youthful than i expected…” She giggled.

“same!”

“dont be so happy harley if i wwere you id shoot myself”

“oh hush!” She stuck her tongue out at him, “what about your parents?” His eye twitched.

“hes dead” She blinked, then closed her mouth.

“oh sorry. i forgot youre um…” Dave snapped his finger and leaned forward to draw the attention away from her.

“hey yeah dude how come you never went back to join your alien friends”

“i got my reasons” He grunted, ignoring the stare Kanaya was giving him. Dirk glanced over at Roxy and cocked an eyebrow. She just shrugged.

“Anyways.”He cleared his throat to draw their attention. “There’s also one more thing I wanted to talk about. Might as well tell all of you.” Dave straightened up and knocked his fist against his chest.

“hey bro if youre coming out i want you to know im a hundred percent behind you no matter what” Dirk slowly turned to look directly at him, then tilted his head very slightly as a silent “Really? **Really?** ”. He slumped back in his chair. “okay sorry go on”

“Right then.” He swept his gaze over the group, trying to regain control. “Who here is closest to their next examination?”

 

000

 

“those cookies were really delicious” Jane laughed as John handed her the rinsed plate. The others had cleared out of the kitchen and dispersed after the planning.

“Thanks buster! If there’s one thing I can do, it’s bake.”

“i’ll say!” He grinned, “they taste just like my dad’s, and thats a real compliment!”

“Heh, I see!” She popped the plate into her sylladex. “He seems like a great guy!”

“he’s pretty cool.” He gave her a sheepish look, “but he’s really uh, dad-ish you know?”

“Oh gee.” She gave him a deadpan look, “Believe me, I KNOW.”

“right!” He took out his phone, “it can get kinda hard sometimes hes always asking me about school and how proud he is and stuff.”

“Exactly! I know he’s being supportive and all but sometimes it can get kinda cheesy and repetitive.” She shrugged, “He’s also always sending me cookies and other stuff.” His eyes widened.

“really? me too! theyre pretty good but he sends so many sometimes i get pretty sick of it. For my birthday, he actually figured out how to send me a cake! it was huge! he also left me one of these notes” He screwed up his face in concentration, “i think it said something like ‘Son, you have finally turned 16. I have never been so proud of you. Good luck with school.’”

“Wait, mine too!”

“What?”

“Mine too!” She gave him an astonished stare. “He actually sent me a cake! And a note. It said the exact same thing, except it started with “daughter”.”

“weird…is there a secret dad handbook with these things or something?”

“Um…I don’t think so.” They stared at each other, fidgeting awkwardly for a bit.

“…Does your dad…” She twirled a lock of hair with her finger, “Does your dad wear a fedora all the time? With a pipe?”

“well yeah!” He shrugged, “i mean, a lot of dads do that! that’s like, the ultimate dad thing to do.”

“Yeah but…” She counted off her fingers, “He also bakes a ton, and writes notes that always end in how proud he is?”

“…so?”

“Can I…” She held her hand out, “Can I see what he wrote to you?”

“uh…” He glanced down at his phone, then handed it over.

 

ectoBiologist began pestering pipefan413.

 

EB: hey dad!

PF: SON. HELLO.

PF: HOW IS SCHOOL GOING?

EB: it’s been cool. a lot has been going on!

PF: BE STRONG. I KNOW YOU ARE CAPABLE OF ANY HARDSHIP YOU MAY FACE.

PF: I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU.

EB: haha sure!

EB: so uh what are you doing right now?

PF: I AM PROCURING BAKING MATERIALS.

PF: DO YOU NEED MORE COOKIES?

EB: no! i’m fine thanks!

PF: VERY WELL.

PF: HAVE YOU BEEN EATING ENOUGH?

EB: yeah really! it’s fine!

EB: so everything’s alright back at home?

PF: ALL IS NORMAL AT HOME.

PF: IT IS VERY QUIET WITH YOU GONE.

EB: really? haha, right!

EB: maybe next vacation ill try to get back

EB: if uh, that’s okay.

PF: OF COURSE.

 

“it’s just…” He shrugged, “y’know, normal stuff-whoa!” He jerked back as she jammed her own phone into his face.

 

gustyGumshoe began pestering pipefan413.

 

GG: Hi dad!

PF: DAUGHTER. HELLO.

PF: HOW IS SCHOOL GOING?

GG: Oh, fine! Some stuff has been happening and it’s been real exciting.

PF: BE STRONG. I KNOW YOU ARE CAPABLE OF ANY HARDSHIP YOU MAY FACE.

PF: I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU.

GG: Aw! Thanks dad!

GG: Um, so…what are you up to?

PF: I AM PROCURING BAKING MATERIALS.

PF: DO YOU NEED MORE COOKIES?

GG: That’s quite all right sir!

GG: Between my baking and yours the school will drown in sugar and frosting!

PF: VERY WELL.

PF: HAVE YOU BEEN EATING ENOUGH?

GG: Of course silly!

GG: So has anything interesting been happening at home?

PF: ALL IS NORMAL AT HOME.

PF: IT IS VERY QUIET WITH YOU GONE.

GG: Aw, I’m sorry!

GG: Maybe I’ll come back for a spell!

GG: It’s really been awhile, hasn’t it?

GG: Would that be okay?

PF: OF COURSE.

 

“It’s the same!” Jane shrieked, making the other wince. “Even the handle is the same!”

“um yeah?” He took his phone back, “that…what does that mean? why have you been texting my dad??”

“He’s my dad!” She jabbed her thumb at her chest. Tears were starting to prick at her eyes as a possibility became more and more likely. “At least I thought he was!”

“um.”

“John.” She swallowed, “I said my dad is sometimes a little cheesy and repetitive, right?”

“yeah, mine is too, I guess.”

“Well I know this sounds pretty mean, but has he ever seemed a little…robotic?”

“I…I guess??” He threw his hands up, “so what??”

“Dirk…” She rubbed her head, starting at the screen, “He’s got this…Auto-responder thing. If you text him while he’s busy it will answer and it **sounds** like him but it’s actually just a bot…”

“whoa wait!” He waved his hands to cut her off. “my dad isnt a robot! i lived with him! two years ago…”

“Eridan was apparently in Finland last year!” She leaned against the counter, staring at her hands. “Oh my God…you said two years ago? I came here two years ago. I…the school sent a car to bring me.”

“…yeah?” He nodded slowly, “me too.”

“He was waving.” She whispered.

“it was sunny wasn’t it?” He thumped down in a nearby chair. “it was hard to see him clearly because the sun was in my eyes.”

“Yeah.” She swallowed, “He gave me some cookies. It was a long trip from Washington to here.”

“with a note that said he was so proud I’d gotten a scholarship.”

“Was it real?!” She slid down the counter, clutching at her head. “Oh my God, is my life real?? Is my house even real?”

“is your house 21605 fir drive, maple valley, Washington?”

“Y…Yeah…” Her voice was strangled, high-pitched. “I…what did I do all day? It’s blurry. I’m not sure…” She covered her mouth, “Oh my god…”

“oh gee…”

They fell into silence as neither could find anything else do say, nothing else to do but sit there staring at nothing and surrounded by a disturbing realization.

Dave poked his head in.

“hey did i leave my” He broke off, “uh” He stared at the usually cheerful kids, glanced around, then quickly absconded. “guys somethings up with john and the other girl rose go do your psycho shit”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goddamn AI screwing with people's lives.
> 
> Eridan hasn't quite mastered not being offensive in the realm of abelism.
> 
> Dave is totally cool with asking his longtime friend (and maybe sister) to make out with her girlfriend to give him some cover.
> 
> Dirk knows better than to ever pass Jake's soda to Eridan because Eridan will never fucking let him have that soda and they'll play soda hockey for hours and no one will get to drink. It's all very complicated because he can't pass to Dirk either because Dirk will pass to Jake and Jane just smacks it back to Roxy who passes it to Eridan so sometimes Eridan has to pass his own drink to keep it going and yeah I could probably draw a diagram on the whole thing.
> 
> "References to Eridan's death" Count: 7. (This will go up again I swear)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan fucks up his examination, the trolls gain some new guests, and Roxy sleeps over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4/13 everyone! I'm trying to post weekly now. So every Monday.  
> The references run strong here.

“how about a dead corp2e or 2omethiing.”

Karkat lowered his book, glaring at Sollux and Aradia over the top.

“…WHAT?”

“an albino corpse! of an animal” Aradia made some vague gesture with both her hands while her eyes gleamed with excitement. “it would be white like a lusus! so we leave it in his respiteblock and-”

“HANG ON.” He snapped his palm out to stop her, “WHAT THE SWEET NOOK PAILING FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ACTUALLY DON’T TELL ME, BECAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S A BAD IDEA ANYWAYS!”

“2hee2h kk.” Sollux leaned back and raised his hands in a sign of exasperated surrender. “we’re ju2t tryiing to help wiith ed.”

“OH.” Karkat slid down in his chair. “HIM.”

“what’2 the deal wiith that anyway2? you haven’t gone off lately and ky-”

“KANAYA’S COMING BACK.” He cut in, “SHE’LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.”

“what?” He blinked, which was an eerie effect with his bicolored eyes. “oh 2o what about ed-”

“I DON’T KNOW!” He roared, hurling his book into the air. It smacked against the roof before falling to bounce against his head. He snarled, rubbing between his horns. “ALL I KNOW IS HE’D RATHER HANG OUT WITH HIS HUMAN FRIEND INSTEAD OF COME HOME. APPARENTLY HE DOESN’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH US ANYMORE SO HE’S TOLD US TO KEEP OUR BULGES OUT OF HIS LIFE AND LET HIM GO FUCK IT OVER HIMSELF MAYBE WITH THE AID OF THAT BLONDE HUMAN.”

“…2o he’2 not comiing back?” Karkat gave him a long scrutinizing look. “what?”

“HOW UPSET WOULD YOU BE,” He spoke slowly, “IF I SAID NO?”

“uh.” He shrugged, “je2u2 kk why are you a2kiing **me**?”

“WHO SHOULD I ASK THEN??”

“ii don’t know, not me!”

“WHY NOT??” He held his hands out at them. “JUST…OKAY SO ERIDAN DUMPED US. HE MIGHT NOT BE COMING BACK *EVER*. ALL I WANT TO KNOW IF HOW SERIOUSLY I SHOULD CONSIDER HIS RANTING TO BE THE RESULT OF AN OUTSIDE INFLUENCE ON HIS THINK PAN.”

“…2o…what?”

“FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER PITIFUL GOD THIS PLANET HAS! ALL I’M ASKING-” A loud crash cut him off and they all glanced toward the doorway.

“FUCKING HELL!” He slammed his fist down on the arm of the chair before shoving himself up. “DOES NO ONE RESPECT THE MEANING OF A LOCKED DOOR??”

“you wouldn’t kiick down an open one 2o…” He shoved a middle finger at him as he walked past to head for the front door.

“OKAY WHOEVER IT IS, POLICE, PRINCIPAL, IDIOT IN A RED SWEATER, GET THE FUCK OUT BEFORE I SHOVE MY SICKLE UP YOUR-” He stopped short, anger deflating into surprise. “OH FUCK!”

Roxy stared back at him. She was covered in little scratches and smudges of dirt, indicating a rough trek through the forest. Her feet were splayed out wide for balance as she held Eridan’s arm hooked over her shoulder, trying to keep him from falling. From the way his head was sunk into his chest and how his legs refused to accept any weight, he was either unconscious or very close to it.

“WHAT…” Karkat gaped at them, looking them up and down. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWEET BULGE HUMPING FUCK HAPPENED?”

“the school did somethin to him!” She dragged him a step forward, panic sparking in her bright pink eyes. “i dont know what happened but hes really sick! can you…can you help? i dunno if its an alien thing but…”

“O…OKAY…UH,” He whipped his head around. “BRING HIM INTO THE LIVING ROOM. WE’LL PUT HIM ON THE COUCH.”

 

000

Earlier today

 

“so egbert and jane havve been talkin to a clevverbot or somethin”

“i guess?” Roxy shrugged as they headed toward the main building. “kinda crazy i always thought janes daddy was kinda hot from what i herd” He nudged her on the shoulder.

“wwell apart from him bein wway too old for ya hes also nonexistent so chalk up another heartbreak i guess” She blew her cheeks out at him in a mock show of annoyance, then released it as a sigh.

“hey try not to mention it to her k?”

“wwhy she in denial or somethin”

“no! its just hard 4 her rite now k? shes rly confused an stuff. i mean…” She locked her fingers together behind her back. “if we dont have parents wat’re we? u know wat u r but we aint got a clue its pretty scary” He patted her on the shoulder.

“maybe youre a troll” She chuckled.

“u think?”

“sure” He held three fingers against her ear, splayed out like a fin, and wiggled them. “seem familiar” She giggled and swatted the hand away.

“um no? why would i be a fish troll anyways?”

“wwell obvviously you wwould be” He scoffed, “trust me” She rolled her eyes.

“well dont try that on jane okay she doesnt need it rite now”

“wwhy wwe all kinda got the same shtick didnt wwe”

“buh!” She smacked him on the shoulder. “jus dont! k?” He rolled his eyes.

“okay fine jeez rox you dont need to keep hittin me its not september anymoray” He slapped his hand over his mouth while the other giggled.

“moray. pssh…”

“shaddup im goin” Her grin faded into a frown as he turned toward the main building.

“eri wait” He glanced back.

“wwhat”

“u sure bout this?” She bit her lip, “jus cause u were next doesnt mean u have 2.”

“cmon rox itll be fine” He shifted his weight to one foot and crossed his arms, trying to look nonchalant. “sometimes science requires risks and usin yourself as a guinea pig okay”

“dont call urself a guinea pig!” He shrugged.

“sides theyre gonna hound me if i dont showw up wwhere the hell am i supposed to go to avvoid that” He realized the meaning behind her look and shook his head violently. “hell no”

“y not?” She twisted her fingers together behind her back, “aint you got a room and ppl there?”

“i dont care” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, smoothing any stray locks back into place. “stuff happened forget it” She just gave him that pout that said “you aren’t giving me satisfactory answers and I’m really hurt.” He turned back toward the school to avoid having to face it.

“sides after this is jane wwhat are wwe gonna make her do it”

“well…”

“itll be fine ill be back in an hour or somethin see you then”

“k…” She answered hesitantly, “ill be rite here”

“dont wait out in the sun idiot”

He shoved the door open, focusing on the cool blast of air on his face to distract him from his nervousness. He turned left down a hallway, then right, coming to a stop in front of the doctor’s office. He knocked and the door opened quickly.

“uh” He swallowed, “im here for an examination” The doctor gave him a gentle smile.

“Eridan Ampora from the Hope Dorm?”

“yeah”

“Come on in.” He moved aside to let him in. “Has everything been alright?”

“sure” He lied, hopping up on the counter.

“How are the angels?” He stiffened, earning a odd look from the man.

“uh” He shrugged, “theyre gone” The doctor frowned.

“Gone?”

“i got rid of them”

“You got rid of them?” He echoed, as if the other has casually mentioned coming back from the dead. “How did you do that?”

“wwho cares” He snapped, “they wwere just vvisions and a pain” The other blinked, then leaned back.

“…Of course.” He smiled again, then held something out to him. Eridan took it and found a small tablet in a dish.

“Your medicine.” He responded to the quizzical look. “Like every month, remember?”

“right” He said after a beat. “right yeah” He accepted the glass of water. The doctor watched as he popped it in his mouth and washed it down with a gulp.

“Right then.” He turned to gather up some papers. Behind his back Eridan tossed the tablet into the nearby potted plant.

 _“for once thanks for your stupid tricks egbert”_ He straightened as the man turned back to him.

“Can you stand on the scale?” He obeyed, then stood against the measuring stick, then sat down again where he took his glasses off he could get his eyes checked. As he was getting his blood checked he realized the doctor, instead of watching the meter, was peering at him out of the corner of his eye.

“wwhat” He quickly glanced down at his watch.

“Nothing.”

Eridan breathed out deeply, leaning back against the wall. _“fuck am i supposed to do somethin”_

Sleep. He remembered dozing off during these a lot. So what was he supposed to do, fall over?

“Lie down on your back, please.” He gave a quick nod and lay down. As the doctor listened to his heartbeat the student allowed his eyes to flutter closed. A few seconds passed. “Eridan?” He didn’t answer. He felt a gentle prodding of his shoulder. “Eridan.” He resisted the urge to twitch. Figures his nose would start itching at this moment.

He heard the door open and some odd shuffling, soon accompanied by quiet murmuring. He was just about to try taking a peek when someone grabbed his shoulder and rolled him off the counter.

He didn’t even have time to yelp before he fell onto a soft cushion only a few inches lower. He bit down hard on his tongue and tried his best to stay relaxed.

 _“oh my god fuck fuck fuck”_ Someone nudged his head to the side to let him breathe. There was the sound of wheels squeaking and the bed he was on slid forward. He contemplated scrambling off the cart and making a run for it, but quickly discarded the notion as hopeless.

He heard a muffled clang, then a drop in his stomach told him he was rising. _“wwhat the fuck there aint any elevvators in the main buildin”_

They slowed to a stop, and someone pushed him forward again. He cracked his eyes open a slit and saw bright white hallways slowly passing him by, partially hidden behind some adults walking beside him.

He shut his eyes, trying to stay calm. He repeated to himself over and over again that they had apparently been doing this to him for months.And what did that get him? Angels.

He stiffened as the cart came to a stop again. Hands grabbed his arms and legs and he had to bite his tongue again to keep from thrashing as they turned him over and set him down on some hard surface.

 _“wwhy the shell did i sign up for this”_ He risked another peek. Through his eyelashes, he could make out a bright pale yellow light shining down on him. He could hear someone tapping out some keys, and a faint beeping. The light grew brighter and he was forced to close his eyes again, but he could tell the intensity was increasing from the heat coming down on his body.

 _“im gonna die im gonna die im gonna die rox i hope you get all my wwizard shit and my scarvves too”_ His testimonial plans were cut off as he thought he heard someone, some **thing** , whispering in the back of his mind. His thoughts turned to horror as the voices grew louder.

 _“HELL no”_ He resisted snarling, _“not you winged prats again i got rid of you”_

_“cant get rid of hope”_

_“goddammit go fly into a meat grinder”_

_“we can help you”_

_“youre the **problem** ”_

_“accept our power”_ He felt a chill run down his spine. _“we can help you fight”_

 _“right noww wwhat i wwant is”_ A voice interrupted his mental argument. The familiarity of it surprised him so much he opened his eyes to glance over. It was the principal.

“40%. Begin.”

A loud humming turned his attention back up to the light, which faded for a brief second before blazing alive again. A shot of energy crashed into him and he screamed, fully convinced he had been electrocuted. The energy enveloped him, then poured into him. It ran up and down and boiled through his body like fire and he felt it pushing against him, threatening to tear him apart like a wet paper bag and the **voices**. The angels screamed at him and their hideous breathy voices ran through his mind all shouting at once so he couldn’t make out a word of it.

“GET OUT” He shrieked, clawing at his chest. “GET **OUT** ” He threw his hands up at the ceiling. White light burst from his hands and spiraled up into the roof. There was a telltale shaking and a deafening crash alerted him that he had broken something. He groaned and rolled off the table before any debris could hit him. Through a kind of muted hearing he registered shouting and looked up. Several adults were running toward him.

“no” He croaked, then raised his hand. “stay back” The white light burst once from his fingertips, effectively scattering them and carving a sizable hole into the ground. He cringed, then tried to stand up, but quickly buckled again. The burning feeling had faded but it wasn’t **gone** , and the angels continued their cacophony, like background static in his head. He stared at his hands. Pale white vapor was leaking out of his entire body.

“haa” He forced himself up, then wobbled toward the first door he saw. “gotta” He swallowed, “gotta get out”

A firm hand clamped down on his shoulder.

“That will be enough, Mr. Ampora.”

He yelped and twisted around, ready to slam his burning white hand against the other. Strong fingers caught his wrist and jarred it to a stop. Another stream of light flew into the far wall, creating another deep hole. With the last shot he felt the rest of the power flowing out of him. He shuddered, then winced as a palm pressed hard against his forehead.

“I said that will be enough.”

He groaned again and sunk to the ground, feeling cold and tired and so very empty. He was only very dimly aware of someone grabbing his shoulders before he blacked out.

 

000

 

“Eridan…Eridan…” The steady shaking of his shoulder slowly reeled him up into consciousness. He opened his eyes to see the familiar face of his doctor, who gave him a gentle smile.

“You fell asleep there for a few minutes. Have you been getting enough rest?”

“uhn” He mumbled groggily, trying to shove himself up. “wwha”

“You fell asleep.” He repeated, “The examination is over. Why don’t you go back to your room and take a nap?”

“um uh” He gave a wobbly bob of his head. “right yeah”

“Just this first.” He felt a tablet pressed into his hand as a glass of water slid into the other. “Take your medicine please.” He stared down at the pill blankly. “…Eridan.” He twitched, blinked, then shook his head.

“right sorry” He popped the pill in his mouth and took a gulp of water, then sputtered and gagged a bit. The doctor gave him a light pat on the back.

“You okay? Did it go down alright?”

“yeah yeah” He nodded and put the glass down. “how long wwas i asleep” The man glanced at the clock on the wall.

“About ten minutes or so.” He answered cheerfully. “You should take a nap if you still feel tired.”

“right okay” He slipped off the counter. “okay uh bye then”

“See you next month.”

“mmhm” He stumbled against the door, gave it a bewildered look, then shook his head again and turned the knob to pull it open.

The doctor’s shoulders sagged as the it clicked closed again.

“Goodness.” He muttered, “That was terrifying.” The principal appeared out of thin air behind him.

“Did you see how his eyes lit up white?” He stared at the door he’d left through with interest. “How easily he took out the ceiling and walls?”

“I won’t forget it any time soon.” He mumbled, striping off his gloves. “He was like a **demon**.”

“I wouldn’t use that word exactly.” He rubbed his chin. “Demons don’t wield the holy light of hope, do they?”

 

000

 

Roxy glanced up as Eridan came out through the door.

“eri!” She hopped up to him. “howd it-” He strode right back her without a glance. “-go? eri hey!”

He ignored her calls and paced quickly to the bushes near the front. There, he stumbled to the ground and vomited up the remains of his lunch. Roxy yelped, then slapped her mouth over her hand and gave a quick look around to make sure they were alone.

“oh god” She ran over. “oh god oh god…” She gingerly settled her hands on his jerking shoulders, lowering her voice into a whisper. “eri, eri r u ok?” He gave some garbled unintelligible reply that devolved into a faint moan. She shook him gently. “eri?”

“rox” He gasped, “rox we need to get out”

“ok ok cmon” She tugged him up, pulling his arm over her shoulder. “cmon lets go i gotchu”

 

000

 

Eridan cracked his eyes open and found himself staring at a dull gray ceiling. He groaned and clutched his throbbing head. “wwhat the shell”

“eris awake!” He turned his head to the side and realized where he was. Roxy was sitting cross-legged on the floor nearby, playing some card game with Tavros. She had a deep violet cloak draped around her shoulders.

“SO HE IS.” He looked back up again to find Karkat glaring down at him behind the sofa, arms crossed. “ASCEND AND LUMINATE, YOU SHITSTAIN OF A WRIGGLER.” He returned the glare, then rolled off the sofa, awkwardly hitting the ground with a grunt.

“howw the fuck”

“ROXY BROUGHT YOU HERE. SHE ACTUALLY DRAGGED YOUR SORRY ASS ALL THE WAY, WHICH WAS PRETTY *DAMN* IMPRESSIVE GIVEN THE NEARLY DEAD STATE YOU WERE IN.”

“You Were Quite Unresponsive” Kanaya walked in, “Fortunately It Seemed Most Of The Damage Was From Exhaustion Apparently You Overexerted Yourself Rather Profusely During Your Short Time At The Clinic” She crossed her arms to study Roxy, “The Fact That Roses Mother Was Able To Bring You Here Even Before I Myself Arrived Was Indeed Impressive”

“ha you think thats impressivve” He heaved himself up, “you shoulda seen that time she flipped cro into a table and broke it rox wwater wwe doin here”

“cause the school did somethin crazy bad to u!” She sighed, “cmon eri its alright here” She gestured to the troll beside her. “taurus is teaching me bout somethin call finduspawn. its kinda like pokemon or magic-gatherin!”

“iT’S, uHH, tAVROS,”

“also check’t out!” She held the cape out, flapping it excitedly. “its a cape! its **ur** cape!”

“wwhat” He gave her a grouchy look. “do i look 9 wwhy wwould I wwear a cape”

“YOU AREN’T EVEN NINE YET, FUCKASS.”

“but eri!” She bounced up, making the fabric ripple from the movement. “its ur color! and sides u would totes wear dis”

“wwould not” He crossed his arms, “its stupid”

“fine then!” She also crossed her arms, imitating his haughty pose. “guess ill keep’t then!”

“fine”

“its mine now” He rolled his eyes.

“wwhatevver”

“imma make it into a pretty dress wi frills at the hem and a pink cat on’t!”

“fine”

“fine!”

“fine” They glared at each other for several long seconds.

Eridan’s mouth twitched. “givve it” She stuck her tongue out at him.

“nope”

“rox” She bounced back on her heels, swirling the cape around her with a smirk.

“nope! mine now!”

“no wway” He jumped after her. She spun backwards. He growled, trying to catch the agile girl as she hopped around the room.

“…UH,” Karkat watched the game of tag with a mix of wariness and bewilderment. “GUYS, WHAT-”

“Oh, Eridan’s awake.” They stopped to glance up as Rose walked in. “And…he’s chasing my mother around the room.”

“wwhat” He rubbed his head, “wwater you doin here”

“hey!” John’s grinning face appeared in the doorway. “he’s awake!”

“egbert howw the fuck-”

“rose brought us” He waved his hand at his friend. “it was kinda weird she texted all of us and told us we had to go like right now.” She leaned against the wall.

“Yes, for some reason I got the sudden feeling that was the correct choice of action.” She nodded to Kanaya. “Sorry for making you put us up.” She smiled warmly in return.

“It Was No Trouble”

“SURE!” Karkat threw his hands up, “HAVING FIVE RANDOM HUMANS FUCKING AROUND OUR HIVE IS A COMPLETE AND DOWNRIGHT *HONOR*. HAVE I CRIED WITH GRATITUDE ENOUGH FOR ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN?”

“ **fivve** dont tell me-”

“yo” Dave popped in, “you guys have a wifi password or something jade wants to show me something on youtube like its probably some squiddles thing so its totally cool if you dont but in the long run there better be some damn internet”

“oh cod” Eridan adjusted his jacket, “ok yeah fuck this im outta here”

“WHERE? BACK TO THAT SCHOOL?” A flash of panic ran through his eyes as his entire body tensed up. “YEAH, I DIDN’T THINK SO. WHAT HAPPENED ANYWAYS?” He turned to glare at him.

“wwhat do you care” He rolled his eyes and dragged a long exasperated sigh through his teeth.

“I CARE BECAUSE ROXY DRAGGED YOUR BEDRAGGLED UNCONSCIOUS BODY HERE WITH THE ONLY INFORMATION BEING THAT IT WAS THE SCHOOL’S DOING AND FOR THE FIRST FEW MINUTES I WASN’T SURE IF YOU WERE GOING TO GET UP OR HOW YOU WERE GOING TO BE WHEN YOU *DID* GET UP SO I RESPECT THE FACT THAT WE AREN’T MOIRAILS AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO DISCUSS TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES WITH ME BUT HOW ABOUT DROPPING THE MOPING FOR *TWO FUCKING SECONDS* TO TELL ME WHETHER YOU’RE GOING TO DROP DEAD OR NOT?”

Eridan leaned back, blinked a few times, then shook his head. When he finished his scowl had returned.

“im fine”

“WONDERFUL.”

“so” Dave glanced around, “seriously wifi password do you have one”

“1T’S FRU1TYR41NBOW!” Karkat turned to glare at Terezi.

“IT IS *NOT*!” She stuck her tongue out at him.

“1T 1S S1NC3 TH1S MORN1NG!” She bounced toward the door. “COM3 ON D4V3! 1’LL SHOW YOU. TH3R3’S 4 C3RT41N W4Y YOU H4V3 TO TYP3 1T.”

“ugh” Eridan thumped back down on the couch, “cod i mean **god** my fuckin head i wwanna lie back dowwn”

“HOW ABOUT YOU DO IT IN YOUR OWN RESPITEBLOCK INSTEAD OF TAKING UP THE ENTIRE COUCH THIS TIME?”

“my room” He echoed, looking a little unsure. Karkat crossed his arms.

“IT’S UPSTAIRS. DO YOU NEED A MAP?”

“no but” Roxy tugged at his sleeve, eyes sparking with excitement.

“eri lets check it out!”

“wwhy” She yanked him up.

“i wanna see what its liek! duh!”

“wwhy its probably just like my dorm only…” He words faded away as she dragged him out the door toward the stairs. Karkat crossed his arms while Kanaya made a faint “Hm” noise.

“NOT PALE MY ASS.”

“ooooomg” They both scanned the dusty room. “eri this is totes ur room”

“guess so” He opened and closed the door a couple of times. “wwhat the shells up wwith my lock”

“u remember livin here?”

“a little” He rubbed his head, “i mean its familiar but still a little odd an-hey” His eyes widened as she grabbed the handle to a large cabinet.

“geez eri why do u have a fridge here any snacks?”

“dont open tha-” She threw it open. Immediately about twenty wands rained down on her head. She blinked rapidly while Eridan smacked both his hands over his face.

“sorry those are just” She squealed and scooped one of them up.

“oh em gee theyre wands!” She examined the ornate design and laughed, “theyre so fancy but also kinda shitty” She giggled, tapping it against the container, then another thing caught her eye.

“awww look’t dis!” She hopped across the room and poked a wizard statue in the corner. “its a lil troll wizord wi horns!”

“thats serran the erudite” He came to stand beside her, swiping a bit of dust off the stone horns. “he wwas a real terror could make the lawws a nature dance to his wwill” He coughed, “i mean fake wwill hes not reel just a story”

“psh” She glanced around, “how come you aint gotta bed? oo!” She pointed to a pile of pillows against the wall. “u sleep here then?”

“uh”

“weeee!” She threw herself onto the pile, throwing cushions everywhere. “haha cozy!”

“oy careful” He knelt down beside her, “wwhat if it had been full a wands underneath”

“well its not” She rolled over to stare at him upside down. “its comfy” She yawned. “and its pretty late can i crash here?”

“wwhat you think ill havve you wwalkin around askin one a the others to share a room” He knelt down and started pulling at the pile. “ill just make twwo piles i guess”

“kewl”

“wwoww this is kinda wweird” He tried to create a flat area, then decided to shape them into a mound. “im used to a bed noww”

“itll be fine” She dragged her pillow share toward her. “pillows r nice”

“i guess” He curled up, then glanced at the door. “the locks broken so be careful you got ahabs crosshairs right” She gave him a blank look.

“wut?”

“oh fuck” He smacked his forehead, “the blue gun”

“oh ya why?”

“just checkin” He sighed and closed his eyes. “bathrooms twwo doors dowwn if someone givves you trouble hittin the guys in the crotch still hurts”

“lol k” She yawned, “nite!”

 

000

 

Dave lay on the roof, staring up at the stars. Every so often he checked his phone. The glowing screen displayed the time, about five minutes from his last check.

A dark silhouette appeared over him, blocking off his view of the moon.

“Are you awake?” He squinted through his shades, barely recognizing Rose in the dim light.

“i thought you were with your alien girlfriend”

“I wanted to make sure rooming arrangements were covered and I couldn’t find you.” She clasped her hands behind her. “I think Terezi said she could put you up. Plenty of torn stuffed animals to slumber on.”

“i cant share a bed with an alien chick i hardly know ill sleep out here”

“Technically I assumed the piles would be separate. Regardless, this doesn’t seem like a comfortable place to sleep. You could catch a cold, if that old wives tale actually held any water.”

“you arent my mom” She fell silent at that. Dave groaned, covering his eyes with his arm. “fuck sorry”

“…I see.” She sat down next to him. “So that’s what was on your mind.”

“not really i mean” He held his hand out. “i never really wondered about my parents cause bro never told me i assumed something happened but whatever it wasnt a big deal but now its just really weird like do i even have parents or did a fucking stork drop me here or something” She tucked her legs up under his chin, staring at the dark shapes of the trees.

“There’s probably an explanation. I worry for John as well.”

“yeah that’s pretty fucked up too i saw him staring at his phone earlier and what the fuck do you say to that sorry man i guess your dad is actually some computer program he makes great cookies though”

“I doubt that holds the comfort he needs right now.”

“yeah”

“Have you talked to him?”

“who john”

“No, your teenage guardian.”

“oh hell no fuck that”He sat up “forget john i dont have a fuckin clue what id say to that guy”

“You’ve talked to him for years.”

“i havent seen you talking with your mom”

“She was busy.”

“yeah she looked real busy sitting next to an unconscious douchebag for two hours”

“Touché.” They fell into a few minutes of silence.

“rose”

“Yes?”

“were fucked arent we”

“If by that you mean we have recently realized our past has been a lie, our school system has been modifying us in some way, and that we are presently hiding out in the woods with several aliens…”

“yeah”

“Then yes, we are so very fucked.” She tilted her head back, “The stars are pretty though.”

“i guess”

“You can’t see them, can you?”

“what of course i can”

“You’re wearing a pair of shades at midnight. I doubt it.”

“whatever”

“Why don’t you take them off?”

“what no”

“You’re missing a beautiful view. Have you ever looked at the sky without those silly things?”

“its not like a huge thing”

“I would still recommend it. It can be soothing.”

“…” Dave freed one of his arms out from under his head. He brought his finger to the bottom of the lens and slowly pushed the glasses upward. Rose watched him out of the corner of her eye.

“Well?” He stared at the sky for a few seconds, then dropped his shades back into place.

“you light students are so weird”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sollux and Aradia were hoping to remind Eridan of his past job on Alternia. In reality it would just be Eridan returning to his dorm after a long day to find a dead animal in his room, then going to sleepover with Roxy.
> 
> I can't remember if the P4SSWORD was a reference when I made it. Probably...
> 
> Aw, is there anything sweeter than Eridan telling his friend the weaknesses of his other friends?
> 
> "References to Eridan's Death" count: 7, plus one instance he was sure he was about to die.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan has an identity crisis, Roxy works him through it, and Jane burns bridges with her phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sassy Eridan is best Eridan. Too bad he only get's to be sassy like twice before crushing identity crisis.  
> This is where I shamelessly imitate canon in an AU setting.

 

Eridan mumbled and rolled over. The odd shifting beneath him made him crack his eyes open. He blinked, then groaned and sat up. He rubbed his face and found a note stuck to his forehead. With a grimace he peeled it off and checked the front.

 

eri i went out dont freak k? :)

 

He blew a huff of air out of his cheeks and rolled his eyes, then headed toward the bathroom. He needed a shower.

He glanced around, then opened the medicine cabinet. There was his hair gel, same brand. Obviously no one had touched it. He turned the sink on and caught the falling water in his hands before bringing it up to splash against his face. He scrubbed his cheeks for several seconds, then glanced up at himself in the mirror. His own reflection squinted back at him. There was some smudge still on his cheek. He frowned and rubbed at it with his knuckles, but it only served to smear it farther. The student growled and leaned closer to look. It was some sort of gray shit, but the harder he rubbed the more it spread.

He slammed his hands on the sink and brought his face inches from the glass. There wasn’t anything on his face; it was more like the skin itself was getting a grayish tint. His gaze flickered to meet his own eyes. It could have been just his imagination, but the pale blue irises might have had veins of violet in them.

He swallowed and decided to skip the shower.

 

000

 

“:33< *ca has awakened!*” Roxy glanced up and grinned as Eridan walked in, rubbing his head.

“yo eri thought youd sleep forever” He scowled at her.

“gimme a break i had a bad day”

“tru” She rubbed Nepeta’s head and the troll purred appreciatively. “been talkin with nepeta here shes filled me in on some stuff”

“great she swwear you off my company yet” She rolled her eyes.

“nu eri”

“alright” His stomach growled and he checked his watch, then turned to head toward the kitchen. “im gonna go-” He nearly ran into someone coming in.

“O)(! )(e’s up!” He stepped back several quick steps.

“go…sit ovver here” He skittered over to Roxy and sat down beside her. Feferi tilted her head to the side, staring at his hunched shoulders, then shrugged.

“HE’S UP? FINALLY!” Karkat poked his head in. “ERIDAN! WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE DICKWADS?”

“for fucks sake kar youre gonna havve to be more speci-”

“Hey.” Dirk walked in, “Ampora, you alive?” Eridan glared at him.

“oh you wwater you doin here”

“Roxy messaged us. Apparently some shit went down so we decided to bounce.”

“wwe” He gave him a suspicious look, “wwait does that mean english and jane are here too”

“Yeah.”

“YES THE CHEERFUL MORON AND GIRL WHO LIKES BAKING HAS JOINED US AS WELL. WE ARE COMPLETELY INUNDATED WITH HUMANS. IT IS A GODDAMN INFESTATION. AND FOR FUCK’S SAKE NEITHER JOHN NOR THE GIRL WHO LOOKS LIKE JOHN WILL STOP PUTTING BUCKETS ABOVE THE DOORWAYS.”

“oops no wwait i dont care”

“yo eri u got somethin on ur cheek” She moved to swipe at the area. He jerked back and batted the hand away.

“no there aint” She gave him a bewildered look. He ducked his head and rubbed his cheek. “its nothin reely”

“uh k…”

“so uh” He glanced around, “did i miss anyfin wwhile sleepin”

“not rly just some info tradin and catchin up” She bit her lip, “btw wat happened at the checkup?”

“ugh” He rubbed his head, “its a little fuzzy noww but there wwas this light”

“What color was it?” He gave Dirk an annoyed look.

“wwhat the hell do you mean”

“I mean what color. Was it dark pink?”

“no i guess it wwas white or pale yellow” The heart student crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, but continued to watch him with his creepy impassive demeanor.

“Right. The Hope colors.”

“i guess wwhy wwould it be pink”

“I’ve never been a heavy sleeper.” He shrugged, “When I began seeing these things after my examinations, that’s when I started getting suspicious.”

“wwell gee thanks for wwarnin us”

“It’s not like I had any proof. It was just me and a hunch for awhile.” His eyes narrowed, “Seriously dude, Roxy’s right you’ve got some shit on your face.”

“cap it strider” He growled harshly “i dont need this kinda disrespect”

“Whoa dude.” He raised both his hands, “Calm down.” The other just grumbled then stood up.

“wwhatevver im goin to find some food rox you wwant anythin”

“nah”

He ran into Jane in the hallway.

“Hey buster! You’re up!”

“yeah hey” He brushed past her, “anythin good in the kitchen”

“I think there’s some cereal and fruit.” Her eyes widened as a realization hit her. “Oh wait, don’t-”

He yanked the door open. A bucket tumbled down to land perfectly on his head, dousing him in water. Jane covered her mouth, partly in horror, and partly from laughter.

“CROCKER” He roared and hurled the bucket on the ground.

“Sorry! I forget from seeing you that I just set that up!”

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” They looked up at the clatter of footsteps approaching.

“omg janey” Roxy giggled, “u got eri didnt u?”

“shaddup”

“JANE HUMAN. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP MESSING WITH THE FUCKING PAILS?”

“Sorry!” She ran back into the kitchen, returning with some paper towels. “I’ll stop, promise.” He snatched the towels from her hands and smashed them against his face.

“dont evven see wwhat so funny bout it” He lowered the napkins and shook his head out. “you need to showw some cod damn respect” Jane cocked her eyebrow at him.

“Uh, **excuse** me?” He blinked, then shook his head again.

“i mean uh dont go puttin buckets around other peoples houses”

“Oh, okay.” She frowned and squinted at his face. “What’s that on your cheek?” He slapped his hand over the area.

“nothin”

“WAIT, HANG ON.” Karkat shoved his shoulder to face him. “IT’S GRAY.”

“it is **not** ” He leaned back as the troll looked directly into his eyes.

“YOUR EYES ARE TURNING VIOLET, TOO.”

“they are **not** ” He shoved him backwards.

“—Eridan.” His eyes flickered to Feferi, who cocked her head to the side thoughtfully. “You didn’t take t)(e medicine at your checkup, rig)(t?”

“yeah so wwhat”

“:33< *if ca stopped taking the medicine*” Nepeta patted at her horns, “:33< *he’ll purrn back purrtty quickly!*” He stared at her, slowly registering the information.

“oh god” He clutched at his head and stared at the floor. “oh cod damn it”

“eris gonna turn back into a fish alien?”

“YEAH. IT SHOULDN’T TAKE LONG.”

“shut up” Eridan snapped. He spun away from them and tried to stomp off into the kitchen. Apparently he’d forgotten about the puddle of water though, because his foot slipped and did a spectacular fall.

“omg” Roxy knelt down and pulled him up into a sitting position. “u ok?”

“oww” He groaned and rubbed his head. “wwhys this wwhole buldin concrete its a coddamn safety haza-” He fell silent, then slowly brought his hand up to his eyes. Reddish-purple blood was smeared across his fingers. Not quite violet, but clearly not human red either.

“eri uh…” She hesitantly touched his temple, fingers just next to the wound. “ur bleedin. i think ur bleedin? uh…” She frowned, then pressed her palm to his forehead. “whoa eri ur so cold wats-”

**“dont touch me”** He snarled. Roxy whipped her hand back.

“eri?”

“oh god” He covered his face with his hands. “oh god oh jesus fuck”

“CALM DOWN, AMPORA. YOU FLIPPING YOUR SHIT HAS ABSOLUTELY NO USE THIS OR ANY SITUA-”

“SHUT UP” He screamed, making the troll scramble back. Eridan stood up and glared at him vehemently. “just” He groaned, swiping at the violet-red mess running down his cheek. “shut the fuck up asshole” Before Karkat could react he had stormed past him back to the living room.

“WELL ALRIGHT THEN!” He shouted down the hall after him. “GLAD YOU KNOW YOU’RE TURNING BACK INTO YOUR OLD DICKWAD SELF. I ALMOST-” Someone grabbed his shoulder and yanked him around. “WHAT-”

Roxy’s fist smashed hard against his cheek. His head snapped to the side before he stumbled and hit the ground. He picked himself up, mumbling obscenities and rubbing his jaw. Through his spinning perspective on the world he was dimly aware of footsteps running away from him.

“SHE HIT ME!” He gasped, “WHY THE BARFING GLOBES OF FUCK DID SHE HIT ME??” Dirk crossed his arms.

“I dunno dude. Maybe because you were implying her best friend was going to turn into a massive douchebag?”

“OH WOW. I’M SORRY. DID I FAIL TO NOTICE THE TIME WHEN HE **WASN’T** BEING A MASSIVE DOUCHEBAG? GAMZEE WAS RIGHT! MIRACLES DO EXIST! AND I SOMEHOW MISSED THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY!” He didn’t react to the outburst.

“…How much is being an alien going to change him, anyways?”

“HOW SHOULD I KNOW!?” He threw his hands up, “YOU THINK I KNOW BACKFLIPPING SHIT ABOUT TURNING FROM A HUMAN INTO A TROLL? NEPETA AND FEFERI STAYED MOSTLY THE SAME AS FAR AS I CAN TELL BUT IT’S NOT LIKE I REALLY KNEW THEM AS ONE OF YOU WEIRD ALIEN MONKEYS.” Dirk lowered his head to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“Okay, calm down. Just…did he hate humans when he was a troll?”

“WHAT?”

“Is he going to hate her?”

“…OH.” His shoulders slumped, “I…DON’T KNOW.”

“Of course not!” Jane picked up the bucket and tucked it away into her sylladex. “Eridan and Roxy are best friends!”

“YEAH BUT ERIDAN IS A RACIST ASSHOLE. BUT WHO KNOWS HE GOT OVER *MY* BLOOD.” Dirk cocked his eyebrow.

“What’s your blood?”

“NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.”

 

000

 

Eridan sat on the edge of the roof, staring out at the sea of treetops. His hands rested in his lap, absentmindedly twisting at the rings on his fingers.

“yo” He tilted his head back. Roxy was standing behind him, hands clasped behind her back.

“wwater you doin here” He winced at the harshness in his own voice, then groaned and smacked his face into his hands. “sorry”

“its kewl” She sat down beside him. “u ok?”

“no” He ran his fingers through his hair. “im gettin all these shitty memories and twwo sides inside a me are equally disgusted wwith the other i wwas just an asshole to my friend and kinda an asshole to my old friends and i dont wwanna be here but i dont wwanna be at school either and im not sure anyone in the wworld is gonna wwanna deal wwith me” He whined and rubbed his neck over the scarf. “and my neck glubbin **hurts like shell** also my head” He ran his hand over his head and shuddered when he felt something hard. “aww fuck it”

“lol cmon eri” She nudged his shoulder, gently. “youll werk it out”

“yeah so wwhat happens then am i gonna wwant to krill you”

“um i doubt it nepeta and feferi didnt”

“yeah wwell i aint fef and nep” His shoulders slumped, “fuck rox im gonna go turn into some dick and wwhat wwas probably the best ten months a my life is gonna go up in smoke aint gonna mean shit” He wrapped his arms around himself. “it wwas all a dream fake memories fake life”

“hey eri cmon” She nudged his arm again but he didn’t react or look at her. “eri…” He jerked away. Roxy leaned back blew a long breath out of her lungs, tilting her head back to stare at the clouds.

“yo eri” He glanced over at her. She was still watching the clouds. “remember when u threw that cake at jake”

“wwell yeah a course” He shrugged, “like i could forget janes face sheesh”

“remember when we crammed all nite for the history final?”

“wwe had to you thought napoleon founded socialism”

“remember that time in march rite before u got a haircut i put ur hair in pigtails” He shuddered.

“ugh yeah not to mention the skirt that wwas definitely real no wway im forgettin that” She released a loud peal of laughter.

“and i got the pics 2 prove it!”

“wwhat” He jerked his head at her to give her an alarmed expression. “hey i thought wwe agreed you deleted those”

“weeeeeell i mighta kept one or two”

“coddamnit rox” She giggled again, then fell into a more sober expression.

“theyre real memories tho. that shit actually happened. is’t gonna be **that** different if you got horns and gray skin?”

“i dunno” He rubbed his shoulder. “its not like i wwanna stop bein your friend but part a me finds it disgustin and thats such a dickish fin to be”

“i think youll get over it” She patted his graying cheek. “k? no more sadness” He screwed his face up at her, then sighed.

“yeah wwhale wwell see” He stuck his finger at her. “hey you knoww you could turn into somefin too if you stay off those pills long enough” She blinked.

“me? nah” He shrugged.

“cod be” She giggled.

“how big is the fish pun thin gunna be anyways?”

“its fine just hard right noww wwith my memories comin back” He crossed her arms, “but i can stop it anytide i wwant”

“omg”

“h-hey” He sputtered, “that wwas totally on porpoise i manta do it”

“eri this is adorable”

“hey i am **not** adorcable im manatee as fuck fuck FUCK IT” He swatted a chunk of cement over the edge while Roxy burst into laughter.

 

000

 

“hey karkat!”

“HUH?” The troll turned around just in time to get a flurry of cards in his face. The spun around him in a mini-hurricane of wind before scattering to the ground. John threw his hands in the air.

“52 pick up!”

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE JOHN. YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO CONTROL AIR AND *THIS* IS HOW YOU WASTE IT? WITH SOME WRIGGLER CARD GAME?” He grimaced, picking the ace of spades out of his collar. “WHY DON’T YOU SUCK THE BREATH OUT OF SOMEONE TO MAKE THEM SHUT UP? I HAVE A FEW SUGGESTIONS.” The human only chuckled as he knelt to gather them up.

“i dont know how to do that! im still working on it.”

“WELL STOP PRACTICING ON ME! WHY DON’T YOU GO MOLEST YOUR HUMAN FRIENDS?” He paused in reaching for a card.

“uh, well.” He shuffled the deck together. “rose is with um, kanaya, and i think dave is talking with his bro, and jade’s talking with i guess her grandpa?”

“OH, WELL,” He shrugged, “WHAT ABOUT…UH, THE LAST ONE? JANE?”

“well…” He scooped up the rest of the cards. “i mean shes nice and all but i don’t know her! and after we figured out the thing with uh…our dad. its kinda awkward.”

“YOU BOTH SEEM IN ENJOY SHOCKING THE SHIT OUT OF US WITH YOUR PRANKS.”

“heh, i guess…”

“WHERE IS SHE ANYWAYS? I HAVEN’T SEEN HER AROUND.”

“uh…i dunno. i’ve seen her in the kitchen a lot…”

“FUCK, WATCHING THIS MANY PEOPLE IS GOING TO REDUCE MY THINK PAN TO A THIN SLIME.”

“reduce your what into what?”

 

000

 

Jane sat on a worn stump, head propped up on her knees as she stared out into the forest. Her phone, held within her loosely curled fingers, dinged. She dragged it up to her face.

 

golgothasTerror began pestering gutsyGumshoe.

 

GT: Jane!

GT: Are you around?

GG: Hey.

GT: There you are!

GT: I feel like i havent seen you around all day!

GT: It has been rather hectic lately hasnt it?

GG: Mm.

GT: I mean with all the stuff going on with the school and the all the magic power malarkey.

GT: And the whole thing with my grandma! Wow i never imagined she would be anything else besides a kind strong old woman.

GT: But it turns out shes actually a kind strong young woman my age!

GT: Its a smidgen loopy but this old chap is quite all right with it!

GT: Take life as it comes right?

GG: Sure.

GT: Im sure all this folly will eventually sort itself out. Thats what the angels say.

GT: Theyve been a bit chattery lately and i feel like there are more than usual. I guess its just because of the times!

GT: Dont get me wrong theyre still wonderful chaps to hang around with but it can get a little overwhelming if there are too many!

GT: Especially if no one else can see them i wonder if eridan has any advice on it?

GT: I think dirk is starting to worry a bit too.

GT: He was going on a bit about how they might be dangerous or a result of something.

GT: I suppose he might have a point but i wish he wouldnt get his britches in so much of a knot over it.

GT: He can be a bit clingy you know what i mean?

GG: Jake.

GT: Its sweet sometimes but sometimes i need my own space or maybe hang out with someone else like jade.

GT: Shes really fun and knows her way around a rifle.

GT: I wish one of us had a gun so we could show each other our skills.

GG: Jake.

GT: It could be like some kind of familial bonding exercise. Nothing having a good shooting practice with family.

GG: JAKE I DON’T HAVE A FAMILY.

GT: Oh.

GT: Oh right! I forgot about that! Haha sorry!

GG: DON’T SORRY ME BUSTER.

GG: MY DAD DOESN’T EVEN EXIST! IT WAS A TRICK AND SOME FANCY BRAINWASHING. I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO THROW UP EVERY SINGLE LIE OF A COOKIE HE SENT ME.

GT: Well lets calm down here. Im sure its not that bad!

GG: NOT THAT BAD?!

GG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE I CAME FROM!

GG: NONE OF US KNOW WHERE WE CAME FROM! BUT I DON’T EVEN HAVE ANOTHER STUDENT WHO TURNED OUT TO BE MY GUARDIAN!

GG: EXCEPT SOME KID WHO AS FAR AS I CAN TELL GOT STUCK WITH THE SAME JOKE I DID.

GG: WELL DONE SCHOOL. YOU WIN THIS ROUND’S PRANKSTER GAMBIT!

GT: Jane?

GG: AND YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SECOND BIGGEST JOKE OF MY LIFE?

GG: IT WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.

GT: What??

GG: THAT’S RIGHT! AND I CAN’T BELIEVE I FELL FOR SUCH AN INSENSITIVE JERK.

GG: YOU’RE JUST AN ASSHOLE.

GG: AN INCREDIBLY HOT CHARMING ASSHOLE.

GT: Uh thank you?

GG: SHUT UP!

GG: JUST SHUT UP!

 

gustyGumshoe blocked golgothasTerror.

 

 

 

Jane slammed the phone down on the wood, biting back tears. She regretted nothing and everything.

 

Her phone buzzed again. She yanked it up to glare at the screen.

 

 

 

pipefan413 began pestering gutsyGumshoe.

 

PF: DAUGHTER HOW IS SCHOOL GOING?

GG: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!

PF: DAUGHTER?

GG: HEY DAD!

GG: WHAT SOUND DOES ONE HAND CLAPPING MAKE?

PF: I AM CONFUSED.

PF: IS THIS QUESTION CONNECTED TO YOUR STATUS AT SCHOOL?

GG: THIS STATEMENT IS A LIE. WRAP YOUR BRAIN AROUND THAT ONE.

PF: IT IS A PARADOX.

PF: IS SCHOOL GOING WELL?

GG: WOW, YOU REALLY DO HAVE SOME GREAT AI.

GG: SCHOOL IS GOING TERRIBLY BECAUSE AS IT TURNED OUT IT’S NOT ACTUALLY A SCHOOL IT’S A LAB FULL OF EXPERIMENTS AND FAKE DAD CLEVERBOTS.

PF: I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

PF: ARE YOU OKAY?

PF: WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COOKIES?

GG: NO!! I’M NOT OKAY!

GG: MY ENTIRE LIFE IS FAKE AND I’M TALKING TO GOD KNOWS WHAT.

GG: I SHOULD TURN MY PHONE OFF BEFORE YOU TRACK ME.

GG: SO BYE!!!!!!

 

She hurled her phone at a tree and took off sprinting in the other direction. She nearly ran into Roxy, who gave her an alarmed look.

 

“janey wat-” She barreled past her. “janey?! hey! oh gawd”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silly Roxy forgot the time she tried to hook Feferi up with Eridan for the Christmas dance, then found out Eridan had been trying to get Dirk to go with her. The efforts were mutually unsuccessful and they spent the night watching the Doctor Who Christmas special.
> 
> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 7


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jake has a self-doubt crisis, Eridan provides free relationship advice, and then proceeds to seek out his friend as well as some answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where I give up not using punctuation for Eridan and Dave. I'm sorry. It's too hard. Next time I won't follow the quirks so much like this.  
> It's also me realizing I might have a soft spot for JakeDirk.
> 
> (Oh God so cheesy I hate it must get through.)

 

“coddammit.” Eridan fiddled with his ears as he walked, deciding they were definitely getting longer and wider. He growled and rubbed his head again, checking the progress of his horns.

Dave appeared around the corner, hands dug into his pockets as he strolled toward him. He looked up as they approached.

“jegus man you really are turning back.” The Hope student smacked his hand over his cheek. By now his face was a comical mix of gray and cream splotches.

“cap it strider twwo.” The other just shrugged and passed him by.

“whatever man.”

“sheesh.” He grumbled to himself as he strode onward, “i thought one wwas bad noww i gotta deal wwith twwhoa!” He smacked into someone as he rounded the corner. “hey wwatch…” He paused, then blinked several times. Dave fixed his glasses and looked up.

“aw hell.”

“wwhat the-?” He gaped at him, then whipped his head back over his shoulder. “wwerent you just-?”

“chill man.” He turned back to glare at him suspiciously.

“howw did you do that?” A smirk flashed across his face and he shrugged.

“seriously chill ive just been tryin out my powers. if it seems like i pop around a lot dont think about it.”

“wwhat?”

“also dont mention this to me if we meet again.” He passed him by, giving him a light bomp on the shoulder. “til next time.” He stared after him, then shook his head and stomped off.

“coddamn fuckin striders.”

 

000

 

“I havent the faintest clue what happened!” Jake perched on a small boulder as he scrolled through the chat, giving it a bewildered look. “One second we were talking and now…I never thought…What should i do?!” Dirk shrugged. He was sitting beside him running a cloth over his sword.

“No idea. Sorry dude.”

“And she wont answer back at all now!”

“hey,” They glanced up as Eridan strode up to them. “you guys seen ro-”

“Eridan!” Jake jumped up, prompting him to step back. “I need- golly youve got quite the appearance right now.”

“He’s right man. How long is it going to be like that?”

“do i look like i knoww or givve a fuck just tell me if youvve seen rox.”

“No.”

“k bye.”

“Hang on a jiffy old sport.” Jake gave him a wide-eyed puppy stare, “I need your advice on something. I was talking with jane and she just…out of nowhere…”

“wwhat did she finally shell you her feelins?”

“Yes i wait you KNEW??” He rolled his eyes.

“EVVERYONE fuckin kneww you blatherin fool evven dirk knew.”

“What?!” He whirled to face his boyfriend, “You did??”

“Uh,” He cleared his throat, then dug his hands into his pockets. “Well she never told me but I thought it might have been a possibility.”

“Oh nevermind!” He turned back to Eridan, which Dirk seized as an opportunity to glare at the human-Seadweller and mime getting his stomach slashed open. “What am i supposed to do about it??”

“go out wwith her and havve dirk and rox hook up.”

“Dude.”

“I dont think thats a first-rate solution chap…”

“wwhy dont you ask your angels?” He gave him a distasteful look, “cod theyre fuckin **evverywwhere.** ”

“I know!” He flung his hands over his head. “Theyve been buzzing around quite a bit lately and its starting to become somewhat of a sore ordeal! What happened to yours anyways?”

“none a your business.” He took out his phone.

 

claudiusArtillery began pestering tipsyGnostalgic.

 

CA: rox wwhere are you

TG: yo eri

CA: somefin happen are you ok

TG: yeah i saw janey run off

TG: she looked pretty upset so im lookin for her now

CA: oh ok

CA: apparently she bleww up at jake

CA: kudos

TG: omg eri

TG: poor janey id better

TG: fack

CA: wwhat wwhat is it

TG: shiiiiit

CA: wwhats wwrong

CA: rox are you ok

 

A loud crash jerked their heads up to the sky. A flock of birds scatted into the air, pursued by another bang and a spire of lightning shooting up into the sky.

“ROX!” Eridan took off sprinting in the direction of the explosion, followed closely by the two humans.

“JESUS FUCKING A PAIL CHRIST.” Karkat leaned out of a window, staring up at the sky. “AMPORA! WHAT-” He spotted him streaking past below. “WAIT, WHO-HEY!”

He ignored the shouting, ducking around the trees and trying to calculate where the blast had been.

“Eridan!” Dirk’s voice called out from somewhere ahead and to his left. “Over here!” He scrambled over and crashed through some bushes, wincing when he realized they had been brambles.

The sight that greeted him was charred holes in some trees, deep gouges in the earth, and twisted chunks of metal littered around the ground.

“fuck.” His head whipped around, “ROX CAN YOU HEAR ME?” A flash of blue caught his eye and he dashed over. Ahab’s Crosshairs sat in the grass. It had been neatly sliced in two. He swore and started to pace around, looking for any other clues.

“HEY CAN WE NOT HAVE PEOPLE RUNNING BLINDLY INTO LOUD EXPLOSIONS LIKE A BUNCH OF DECAPITATED CLUCKBEASTS?” Karkat came up to join them. He gave the scene a startled look. “OH SHIT. THIS…THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE WHERE ERIDAN WENT MISSING.”

“Hang on.” Dirk took out his phone, “I’ll trace her phone signal. Jane’s too.”

“IT DOESN’T TAKE A DAMN GENIUS TO REALIZE WHERE THEY ARE.” Karkat pulled his sickle out and scanned for any stray movements. “WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE.”

“HELLO?” He winced as Jake cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted up at the sky. “ROXY? JANE?”

“STOP THAT.” His hissed, “DO YOU WANT TO GET YOUR SLIMY HUMAN CARCASS DRAGGED BACK TO THAT SCHOOL?”

“The signals are gone.” Dirk put his phone away, “Shouty’s right. We should leave.”

“But…” He bit his lip, “Whats going to happen to them?”

“Hey, we’ll get them back, alright?” Jake frowned, then leaned in a little.

“What?”

The Heart student gave him an odd look, but leaned in a little closer as well despite being only about two feet away.

“I said **we’ll get them back** , okay?”

“Arg!” He slammed his palms over his ears and his eyes went wide. “Why the devil are they being so loud!?”

“YOU JUST SAID TO SPEAK U-”

“No,” Dirk held out his hand to stop him, but kept his eyes on his boyfriend. “Jake, can you hear me? What’s wrong, what are they saying?”

“I don’t know!” He squeezed his eyes shut, “I think most of them are saying its going to all be dandy but ever since my talk with jane theyve been a little odd. And now with this im starting to really doubt things are going to end all sorted after all!” His eyes snapped open again, reflecting a sudden horror. “And by george its NOT isnt it? Its not going to end sorted out at all!”

“Jake, hey, calm down.”

“Were all going to get captured or killed or WORSE!” His eyes glazed over with tears, “And i just made my friend cry and she hates me now! And now her and roxy are captured and GOD KNOWS WHAT is happening right now! AND ITS MY FAULT!”

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE. CAN SOMEONE GET THIS SNIVELING LITTLE WRIGGLER A MOIRAIL OR SOMETHING?”

“Come on, Jake.” Dirk reached out to put his hand on his shoulder. “It’ll be fi-” As soon as his hand made contact there was a brilliant flash of white light. Karkat yelped and threw his hands up, tripping backwards. When he lowered them and blinked the spots from his eyes he found Dirk on his back several feet away. Jake was staring at the ground with his arms curled tight around himself. He had that same white glow around him, which was steadily increasing in intensity.

“HEY!” He scrambled up, “JAKE! STOP THAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT BEFORE YOU REDUCE US ALL TO DISGRUNTLED BITS OF ORGANIC MATTER!” He didn’t react to the command in any way. What’s worse, creatures started to fade into existence, swirling in tight circles around him. “FUCK.”

“Jake!” Dirk grunted and shoved himself up. “Cut it out! Calm down!”

“YEAH, I DON’T THINK HE CAN HEAR YOU.” An angel burst out of the formation to fly up into the sky. It was followed by another, then another, flying out in random directions. The troll drew out his weapon, though he doubted it would even work on them. “ARE YOU SEEING WHAT I’M SEEING?” He tried to creep a little closer. Immediately one of the angels broke away from the vortex and charged him. He yelped and scuttled backwards several feet, waving his sickle wildly. It gave him a warning hiss before zigzagging around him.

“Itll be fine.” Karkat winced at the chorus of whispers that washed over him. He could see Jake’s lips moving with the words. “Everything will be fine.”

“YEAH RIGHT. JUST FOR ONE DAY I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A WHIRLING DEVICE NOT COATED IN SOME NEW BRAND OF SHIT. HEY YOU STUPID SQUISHY MONKEY! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME HOW ABOUT YOUR TRY CALLING OFF YOUR CRAZY FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT PROVIDING EVEN THE SMALLEST SCRAP OF USEFUL-HUH?” Eridan walked past him, toward Jake. He gave him an annoyed look. “WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?! WAIT DON’T-”

One of the angels burst out and streaked toward him, mouth wide and screaming. Without so much as a flinch his hands flashed up and clamped down on either side of its head before he slammed it down on his knee. It shrieked and writhed a bit before dissolving into white sparkles. He strode over the storm of angels and raised his hand.

“UH-”

He swung down hard, cutting through the spirits to deliver a loud slap right on the boy’s left cheek. His head jerked to the side and he blinked several times in astonishment. The angels scattered and faded, at least from Karkat’s vision. The two Hope students stared at each other.

“you lucid noww?”

“Um…” He swallowed and nodded. “Y-Yes I think-”

“good” He slammed his fist against his cheek again, throwing him to the ground. “NOWW SHUT THE FUCK UP!” A small confused squeak escaped the student’s lips while Karkat and Dirk both gave a shout of protest. He ignored them, snarling down at his target. “for gods sake QUIT WWHINING!”

“Mr amp-”

“oh my cod i thought i hated you BEFORE but noww…” He threw his hands up in the air. “now its like i wwant to obliterate evvery single shred a your bein! your wwaterwworks had to be the most pathetic and disgustin reaction ivve evver seen! its almost like youre somehoww wworse than evven **me**.” He whimpered at the hostile comments.

“But-”

“dont you DARE finish that sentence” He hissed with terrifying vehemence. “i am completely sure anythin you say is goin to make me kill you.” Jake shut his mouth, “i dont evven knoww howw ivve managed to not do that yet. i guess i must reelly not wwant to find rox just to havve to tell her i killed her asshole friend. one a her asshole friends anywways.”

“I-”

“no! i dont wwanna hear it! i cant stand one more bitchin wword about howw too many people lovve you and howw youre goin through some self doubt cycle and all that crap!”

“Hey.” Dirk grabbed his arm, “Stop screaming at my boyfriend.” He whirled around to face him, jerking himself free.

“and you! i havve absolutely no idea wwhy rox is into you! but you knoww wwhat?! im actually fuckin GLAD your taste is so terrible you prefer this clueless insensitivve douchebag ovver her!” He threw his hands up, “you suck as a boyfriend! no wwonder he wwas thinkin a dumpin you!”

“What?” The half-human held his clenched hands up as a symbol of disbelief.

“you are somehoww able to both wworship him” He held out his left fist, then jerked the right one forward. “wwhile at the same time bein the most- **second** most clingy possessivve insecure lovver i could imagine! i wwouldnt be surprised if ya fuckin tried to stab someone through for hittin on him!” He huffed and backed up a step. “i mean WWOWW at least wwith fef i only wworshipped her and wwas incredibly possessivve on the **inside.** ” He shrugged, “i mean i nevver actually dated her but you knoww wwhat that shouldnt matter a flipper fuck anywways.”

“Uh, dude-”

“the wworst part has to be identifyin wwith you both. i cant believve im actually lecturing you on somefin i cant get right myshellf! wwhy is rox fronds wwith ANY a us?!” He whirled away from them. “wwell fuck you both im gonna go find her. i doubt i can savve her but i cant stand the thought a bein wwith either a you morons a second longer.” He threw them a middle finger before stomping off into the trees. Karkat stared after him, then realized his jaw had been hanging open. He closed it and shook his head.

“HEY! HANG ON! YOU CAN’T JUST GO STRUTTING OFF INTO CERTAIN CAPTURE! THAT WILL HELP LITERALLY NOTHING! AMPORA! WE **JUST** GOT YOU OUT!! HEY!” He ran after him, leaving the two humans alone.

Jake remained sitting on the ground, staring at the grass in front of him. He started tracing a little path in the dirt with his finger. Dirk walked up, then sat down next to him. Neither spoke nor looked at the other for about a minute.

“…What…” Jake spoke slowly “What in heavens just happened!?” Dirk leaned back on his palms.

“I think we just got lectured on our relationship by Eridan Ampora.” The Hope student gave a weak laugh.

“It…Its gotten that bad huh?”

“Apparently so.” He paused, “…Were you actually thinking of dumping me?”

“Well…” He shrugged, continuing to study the grass. “I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed you know? Im not saying its not a blast and all but sometimes a chums gonna want his own space is that strange?” He started fiddling with a small twig on the ground. “I know i really should have discussed it with you but i didnt know how! I didnt want to make you feel bad but i guess thats exactly what happened and now everything is a royal mess of gobbly-gook.” He sniveled again. Dirk patted his shoulder.

“Hey man, don’t go angelic on me again. I wasn’t handling it all that well either. I’d freak out every time I didn’t know what you were doing and that’s just a shitty thing to do. I was so scared of you drifting away that I actually started pushing you away and it sucked. People need their space. You especially, but I didn’t get that.”

“I guess we really should have been more vocal with each other huh?”

“Yeah.” He tilted his head back, then took off his glasses to stare up at the clouds. “…Jake.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to like…try again?”

“Like a fresh start?”

“Yeah.” He put his shades back on and shrugged. “Just…if you want to. You think we could fix it?”

“I…” He turned to him and gave a shaky smile. “Sure why not?” It was almost indiscernible, but the tiniest bit of tension eased off of Dirk’s shoulders. His mouth twitched upward.

“Alright. Awesome.” Jake gave a weak chuckle. Their hands inched a little bit closer so they just barely touched.

Dirk’s glasses buzzed loudly, making him jerk back and rip them off his eyes.

 

TT: Sorry to interrupt but you do realize there is still a situation with friends in peril?

 

“I swear to God I will **break you half**.”

 

TT: Hey don’t shoot the messenger.

 

000

 

Eridan took a quick glance around as he ran across the school grounds. No one came to intercept him as he made his way to the rifle shed. He took a step back, then jumped forward, slamming his foot right under the doorknob. The lock snapped and it swung open.

 _“pretty terrible security.”_ He plucked his favorite rifle from the shelf and a couple of extra magazines , then shut the door behind him and hurried away from the scene.

He snuck into the main building through the back door and took the most unused stairway up. Unfortunately “most unused” didn’t mean “entirely”. Kankri paused in his descent to stare at his mix of troll and human features.

“9h Eridan, y9ur-”

“im busy!” He shouted and quickly brushed past him.

“Wait! I needed t9 ask y9u a69ut…” He lept up the stairs two at a time to leave him behind.

The stairway ended at the fourth floor. He started running down the hall until the door marked “unauthorized entry prohibited”. He drew his rifle out and slammed it open. A large window with a metal frame met him. He scrutinized it as he closed the door behind him, then raised his gun.

A short blast of gunfire shattered the glass. He lowered the weapon and stepped through the broken wall. Apparently the panel with buttons hadn’t appealed to him, and he hadn’t considered how hard fourth walls were to fix. Inconsiderate asshole.

He flipped the lever to the top floor and the elevator started to rise. His phone beeped as he waited.

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling claudiusArtillery.

 

CG: HEY FUCKASS WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO SPAWN A WORKING THINK PAN?

CG: GET YOUR SORRY ASS BACK HERE.

 

claudiusArtillery blocked carcinoGeneticist.

 

He shoved the phone back into his sylladex as the elevator dinged its arrival. He held his gun ready and peeked out into the hallway. It was empty, and no sounds implied anyone approaching. He ran out and started jogging down the hall. He glanced at some of the signs as he passed. It seemed the top floor was mostly offices instead of experiments.

 _“shit”_ He paused to lean against the wall for a second, _“rox wwont be here”_ Footsteps from behind made him jerk up. He quickly darted around the corner. A dead end greeted him, with a single door. A green sign with white lettering was fixed over it.

_Dr. Scratch_

Eridan blinked, then glanced over his shoulder. The footsteps had faded. Whoever it had been must have gone through another door. His gaze returned to the door. He set his jaw and his fingers slid up to wrap around the trigger. He sucked in a quick breath then stepped forward.

The electric doors slid open and he immediately jerked his gun up. The walls of the room were covered with screens, some dark, some lit up with various views of the school. He quickly spotted his principal, his white suit stark against the dark screens on the far wall. His back was to him, hands clasped behind him.

“hey!” He stepped forward into the room, keeping his sights trained directly on his heart. “ivve got some questions for you.”

The man turned halfway to regard him. He quickly adjusted his aim to compensate.

“You were such a good student.”

“are you jokin?” He heard the door slide shut behind him.

“Well you stopped getting detention at least. You had good grades. Your essays had interesting viewpoints. I’ve read a few personally.”

“yeah wwell i nevver thought my principal wwas doin experiments on us.” He snarled, “answers.” The man turned to face him fully. He seemed unconcerned over the rifle aimed at his chest.

“What would you like to know?”

“wwhat did you do?” He growled, “to me? howw did you turn me human?” The faintest of smirks slid across his face.

“Science. You can’t contest that, can you?”

“gonna havve to be more specific if you dont wwanna bullet in your chest.”

“Hm,” The smirk widened just a little. “Violent, are we? Do you think you have the courage?” His eyes narrowed.

“half a me is laughing at that question.”

“What about the other half? How does he feel about it?” He grit his teeth.

“he wwants answwers.”

“That’s understandable.” He held his hand out. “We gave you hope.”

“gimme a straight answwer asshole.”

“We discovered the existence of twelve aspects of this universe. If infused within people, they can be harnessed. We gave you the essence of hope.”

“so wwhat wwas wwith those angels?”

“The Hope Aspect is one of the more abstract ones. We don’t know everything, but the angels will occasionally come to some of the students under that certain treatment.” He picked up a folder off of a nearby desk. “We consider it a promising sign.”

“yeah right.”

“Reactions to them vary. Usually they’ll either drive the pupil insane,” He tossed the folder out. It sailed through the air and landed neatly on the coffee table near Eridan. “…or they eventually fade away.” He stole a quick glance at it. The tag read “Cronus Ampora”.

“i aint interested in that greasy assholes story.”

“Neither am I.” He clasped his arms behind his back again. “What I have never heard of, is someone who actively destroyed theirs.”

“maybe you shouldnt a put me in that stupid dorm to being wwith.” He leaned forward.

“Why did you do it?”

“wwhat do you mean wwhy?” He snapped, “i didnt havve time to be dealin with shit like that.” He cocked an eyebrow.

“No time for hope?”

“no time for crazy hallucinations.”

“I see.” He chuckled. Eridan’s eyes twitched.

“so wwhat are the angels gonna drivve english nuts too?”

“Are you worried for him?” The student growled at him. The principal started to pace beside the computer screens. “Jake English is another promising student. He’s had the angels for years, and he’s become as much a part of them as they are a part of him. He’ll go far.”

“hes already gone far.” He grunted, “far away from this hellhole anywways.”

“For now.” He put the folder down. “Well? I have answered all your questions so far, despite your hostile demeanor. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Eridan hesitated. For a second his eyes darted around to scan the room before focusing back on him. Dr. Scratch had his tiny knowing smirk on again.

“Oh, but you have one more question, don’t you?” He didn’t answer. “Go ahead, we have plenty of time.”

“…rox.” He adjusted his grip on the gun, “wwhat…wwhat is she? did you turn her human too?” The man chuckled again.

“Would you like that? The human girl, revealed to be another Seadweller, just like her prince.”

“ **shut. up. and. answer.** ” He snarled. The other only shrugged.

“She’s human. Human enough, at least.”

“wwhat?” Puzzlement took over some of the anger in his face. “wwhat does that-” He winced as the principal gave two sharp claps.

“Alright then. I think we’re done here. Please take care of the rest.”

Eridan heard the door slide open behind him and spun around, jumping backwards. He yanked his rifle into position, but faltered when he caught sight of the arrival.

“wwhat the-” Metal prongs jabbed against his chest and he felt a stream of electricity shoot through him. He screamed and dropped the gun. It clattered to the ground as his knees buckled and he lost consciousness.

Dr. Scratch watched as the body was dragged away and the door shut behind him, then he turned to the screens on the wall. A few flickered on, showing various views of the school. There was the front gate, where he assumed some of the other runaways would soon appear. There were some students talking in front of the main house.

His gaze fell on the last screen, which showed nothing but static.

“Hm…” He shut the other screens off. “It seems she’s still in place as well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eridan's keeping it real with Dirk and Jake.
> 
> "References to Eridan's death" Count: 8 (Haha you fuckers thought you'd seen the last of me.)
> 
> Deep down Eridan is still kinda confused on how/if he's going to get a happy ending and what that would entail.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Roxy breaks herself out, Dirk steals some files, and Eridan is once again is forced to auspisticize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had trouble breaking this and the next chapter up but it's more even this way.

 “…urg…” Roxy opened her eyes, then sat up. She was lying in the middle of a dark cell. The only light was from a tiny window on the door. “fak” She rubbed her head. She couldn’t exactly remember what happened, but she was pretty sure Jane had been with her. Then…something had shown up.

“aw shit, janey?” She glanced around, then got up. “hello? u here?” She stood up on tip-toes to peer through the window, but it only gave her a few of another empty, if more well-lit, room. She tried the knob, and was unsurprised to find it locked.

“shiiiit” She searched through her sylladex, but they had somehow managed to confiscate her phone out of it, plus a few other potentially dangerous items.

She didn’t feel particularly hungry or thirsty, so it probably hadn’t been too long. The girl backed up at step, then got into a fighting stance. She delivered a solid side-kick right below the knob, and was dismayed to find it didn’t even shudder.

She pressed her face against the glass again. It felt too thick to break and the window was too small to crawl through anyways.

“heeeeey!” She called out, “anyone there? cmon…” Several seconds of silence gave her the answer, prompting her to huff and dig her hands into her pockets. Her fingers hit something hard. She blinked and pulled it out.

“aw hey” She squinted at the plain gold ring in the dim light. “i forgot all about u. is eri still missin ya?” She flipped it up and caught it a couple of times, wondering if her friends had noticed her absence yet.

“damn” She snatched the jewelry out of the air one last time then held it up to her face to examine it. It looked like there was some sort of inscription on the inside, but she couldn’t read it. She giggled.

“man itd be kewl if it was like **tha** ring” She fondly pondered the night she had sat Eridan down to watch the “Lord of The Rings” movies with her. If she recalled, it ended with her throwing one of his rings out the window screaming “For Middle-Earth.”

She yawned, trying to catch the faint light on the metal.

“one ring~” She sang, “one ring to rule’em all one ring to uh somethin somethin ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL…” She spun away from the light of the door into the darker corners while her voice dropped into a dramatic whisper. “and in tha darkness bind’em”

She slipped the ring onto her finger, and promptly disappeared.

 

000

 

“Alright then.” Dirk peeked around the corner of the building to get a view of the school’s front gate. “Let’s go.”

“Um wait.” Jake prodded at his shoulder, looking a little apprehensive. “Are we just going to mosey on in?”

“We’re still students, aren’t we? We can tell them we went on some camping trip or something.” He glanced back at him. “…You know you don’t have to come. Do you want to wait outside or-”

“Of course not!” He sputtered, then bit his lip. “Unless you dont think ill be much help…”

“Of course you will.” He returned his gaze to the school, “If anyone asks we’re heading to the nurse’s office to-”

“HEY!” They both winced, then turned around. A human-disguised Karkat jogged up to them, looking somehow a little more irate than usual. “DID YOU SORRY BULGEGULPERS THINK YOU COULD SLITHER OFF WITHOUT ME FINDING YOU?”

“What are you doing here?”

“I’M COMING WITH YOU, OBVIOUSLY.” Dirk blinked slowly.

“…What?”

“DID I STUTTER?” Karkat crossed his arms to glare at the two humans. “I SAID I’M COMING. ARE THE TWO OF YOU ALONE GOING TO RESCUE THOSE IDIOTS?”

“Well yeah. And I was planning on a stealth mission, which really doesn’t seem like your kind of thing. Do you even **do** quiet?”

“HAHA. SO HOW COME YOUR BABBLING MATESPRIT GETS TO COME?”

“I can be quiet!”

“YOU WEREN’T EXACTLY LOW KEY WHEN YOU SUMMONED A TORNADO OF ANGELS AROUND YOU.” Jake opened his mouth to retort, then closed it. Dirk sighed.

“Look, don’t worry. We can handle this.”

“BULLSHIT. I’M COMING.”

“Don’t you have a house of aliens to watch?”

“YEAH, AND ONE OF THEM IS STUCK IN THAT SCHOOL!”

“Ugh.” The Heart student squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. “We’re wasting time. Just come on.” He stepped out and started to walk toward the gate, forcing the other two to catch up after him. He flashed the card at the gate and jerked his thumb at Karkat.

“He’s with us.” The lady at the gate gave him an odd look.

“You two have been gone for a few days.”

“We had a camping trip.”

“Without notifying the school?”

“It was a spur of the moment thing.”

“Also…” She turned her attention to Karkat, who did his best to look non-threatening. “You know you have to register him at the main off-”

“Right, we’ll head straight there.” He grabbed the troll’s sleeve and started to drag him toward the main building.

“THAT WAS TOO EASY.” Karkat growled under his breath.

“I know.”

 

000

 

“How did she get out?”

“The camera kept glitching out, so we aren’t sure.”

Roxy stood perfectly still in the corner as two guards searched for her in the cell.

“We would have seen the door open.”

“She’s a Void Student right?” One of them swept his gaze around the area. “She’s probably not really gone. Guard the door. The other went to close the door while the first one began to move systematically over the cell, holding their arms out in front of them.

“Roxy?” He called out softly, “Come on Roxy, come out. We can have a nice conversation about all this.”

_“liek hell we are”_ She backed up a step as he came closer, then another. She swallowed as her back came up to the corner. The guard took a swift step toward her. She jerked away and stumbled backwards.

Bright light lit up the room. She blinked rapidly and shook her head, then looked around. They hadn’t turned on the lights; she was in another room entirely.

_“ok wut”_ She squinted at the wall in front of her. _“did i just like…fall through the wall?”_ She picked herself up, then hesitantly reached out. Her hand melded into the white plaster. She gulped and pulled it back. She turned around. There was a door on the far wall, not that it seemed to matter.

_“c ya losers”_ She snuck across the room and hopped through the wall again. “ _ro-lals bouncing”_

The student found herself in a plain white hallway. She glanced down both ways, then chose right at random. _“wow am i in the main buildin?”_

She trotted down the hall, glancing around at the signs as she passed. None of them looked like another cell though.

The sound of approaching feet reached her, accompanied by the faint squeak of wheels. She whipped her head around, then stumbled into a small alcove next to a water fountain.

_“this would be a shitty time to realize im just transparent instead a invisible”_ She closed her eyes as the sounds grew closer. The girl took a deep breath and opened her eyes, then nearly choked on it when she caught sight of Eridan’s sleeping face pass by her.

_“oh goddammit”_ She leaned out to watch them push the cart away, then started to dog after them. _“gawd DAMN it eri”_

She followed the cart through one of the doorways into a large dark room. Aside from the screens on computers set up against the wall, the only lights were fixed on the very center, where several glass tanks that looked just big enough for a person.

Two scientists lifted Eridan off the cart and started to drag him over to one of the tanks. Roxy swore under her breath and looked around. Someone had left a coffee mug on the floor beside one of the computers. She scooped it up and hurled it across the room. It shattered and drew a few curious looks.

“Leave it.” She jumped and whirled around. Her principal was standing only a few feet from her, hands clasped behind him. “It is of no consequence.” The others shrugged and continued on their work. They shoved Eridan into one of the glass tubes and fastened his arms to the sides with metal clasps. The walls of the cell slid shut. Roxy bit her lip and hopped a few steps closer to see.

“Begin.”

Water crashed down from the top of the tank onto his head. He sputtered and his eyes snapped open, widening in horror when he saw the pooling liquid already up to his mid-calves. Roxy could distinctly make out his lips moving to form “oh shit” before he yanked his arm against the bindings. He snarled at the stubborn metal and his movements became more violent and desperate as the water continued to rise at an alarming pace.

Roxy ran forward, intent on kicking the glass in herself. Something like a marble hit the ground in front of her and released a bright flash of light. The girl screeched and fell backwards as it burned her skin and eyes. A steel-like grip clasped down on her upper arm.

“A little bit of Light Aspect, Miss Lalonde. You shouldn’t be sneaking around and interfering with the work of adults.” She squeezed her eyes shut then blinked rapidly to clear her vision, then looked back up at Eridan just in time to see him take a last panicked gulp of air before his head was submerged. Eyes squeezed shut, he continued to try and wiggle out of the cuffs.

“stoppit!” The Void student tried to break out of her principal’s grip. “he’ll die!”

“Hardly. I’m more careful than that.” He gestured to one of the scientists at a computer, whose fingers started to fly over the keyboard.

A bright pulse of light ran up the tank and Eridan snapped back into a troll. He gasped, winced, then realized he wasn’t drowning. He glanced down at his hands, then raised his chin, feeling the water running through his gills. Roxy’s shoulders sagged in relief, then Dr. Scratch spoke again.

“Let’s try 50%.”

Pale yellow light flooded the tank. Eridan jerked and threw his head back in a silent scream. After a few seconds the white vapor hissed out from the tank and dissipated.

“14% absorption rate.” One of the scientists reported, “It’s better than when he’s asleep.”

“Try again.”

The light shot through the tank again. The Seadweller grit his teeth and hunched his shoulders, glaring at the ground.

“He’s improving.” Dr. Scratch spoke casually to the girl beside him. “During the checkups, he was lucky to hit 8% absorption. Would you like to know your scores?” Roxy sunk her teeth into his arm and kicked at his shins. His arm whipped forward and she found herself tossed backwards. She winced at the sharp pain of her shoulder hitting the ground, then struggled up.

“That’s incredibly disrespectful.”

“suck my metaphorical dick!” She shoved her middle finger at him.

Eridan looked up again as the power faded. He blinked, then leaned forward to squint through the glass. His face turned to utter disbelief as he very deliberately mouthed “rox!?”. Roxy scrambled up and ran toward the tank but two guards grabbed her.

“I think it’s time for Miss Lalonde to return to her cell, this time with the company of some Light aspect.

“FUCK U ALL.” She roared, kicking one of them right up the chin while another held onto her arms. Her friend snarled and started trying to break out of the bindings again.

“See, now you’re making the other student misbehave.” He walked toward her while addressing the scientist at the computer. “Try 55% please.” Roxy winced as the tank lit up again. Dr. Scratch reached down to grab her arm again. “Don’t make me escort you personally.”

The glow faded abruptly. A second later the baffled voice of the scientist spoke up.

“100% absorption rate.”

The principal paused to glance back at the tank, as did Roxy. For one second they could see Eridan standing completely still in the dark chamber. Then the glass exploded.

The guards released Roxy just in time for her to throw her hands up against the flying shards. She hit the ground and instinctively rolled away from the explosion. When she figured all the pieces had landed she turned back to look.

Eridan stood just outside of the ruined tank. Yellow-white vapor rushed out from his entire body like a kettle. His eye glowed bright white, as did his hands.

Roxy stood up slowly, then took a hesitant step towards him.

“eri…?”

“rox.” He managed a hoarse grunt, “hey.” She came a little closer, glancing around the room. No one else was awake, or maybe they were faking. The principal had disappeared. The computer screens were all cracked, and a few stools were stuck in the walls.

“wat happened?”

“i mighta…” He wheezed, “i mighta givven inta some voices promisin me limitless powwer.” He swallowed with visible difficulty as the glow faded from his eyes. “uh sorry.” He pitched forward. Roxy yelped and ran to catch him before he broke his nose on the floor.

“aw shit hang on eri hang on well gechu outta here.”

 

000

 

The cover of a ceiling vent crashed to the floor. A second later Dirk dropped down. He jerked his head in a quick glance around the room, then relaxed.

“We’re clear.” An irate voice echoed from above him.

“EXCELLENT, NOW WOULD YOU MIND SHOVING YOUR SLIMY ASS OUT OF THE WAY SO WE CAN GET OUT OF THIS CRAMPED METAL SNAKE?”

He moved aside. Jake jumped down through the the vent and barely managed to scramble out of the way of Karkat’s landing.

“FINALLY!” The troll pulled his arm back in a stretch, then noticed Dirk had gone over to one of the computers on the far wall. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“It’ll make sense later.” His tapped at the keys with lightning speed and precision. “It shouldn’t take long. I’ll catch up.”

“WHAT IF YOU GET CAUGHT?”

“I won’t. You worry about yourself.”

“WELL *FINE* YOU SMUG LITTLE SHITBAG. JUST DON’T MAKE ME DIG YOU OUT OF A CELL.” Karkat dug his sickle out of his sylladex and stormed out the door. Jake hesitated, then wandered over to the computer.

“What **are** you up and doing?” Dirk opened his mouth to reply but a message alert beat him to it.

 

TT: Something that would go much faster if he let me take over.

 

“Stop cutting in like that.”

 

TT: What? You’re busy, aren’t you? I’m answering for you.

TT: But you know I could hack that thing infinitely faster than you, right?

 

“Yeah, like I’m giving you a computer.” He leaned forward as the machine declared he had gained access. He found the search bar and rapidly typed out “Strider”, “Lalonde”, “English”, “Crocker”, “Harley”, “Egbert”, and “Ampora”, each time downloading all the corresponding files into his USB key.

 

TT: Would you like to know how much time you just wasted?

 

“No. Shut up.” He snatched a few more random files, then yanked the flash drive out and stood up. “Let’s go.”

 

000

 

“can u stand?”

“uhhhh yeah.” Eridan tottered off her support, then shook his head. “yeah im ok noww thanks. havve you seen my glasses and scarf?” She kept hold of his wrist to guide him.

“nope sorry” They paused at an intersection. Roxy took a quick glance down the halls. “howre we supposed to-”

“HEY!” Her head snapped back to the left. Karkat was running toward them, followed by Jake and Dirk. “THERE YOU IDIOTS ARE.”

“Roxy! Eridan!”

“Are you guys alright?” Dirk gave them a quick look up and down. “You turned back. And why are you wet?” The Seadweller shuddered.

“i dont wwanna talk about it if i wwasnt hydrophobic before i shore am noww.”

“eri ur a fish now”

“INDEED. SO ARE YOU DONE GETTING CAPTURED?” She grinned.

“ya totes. u guys seen janey yet?” Eridan raised his finger.

“uh about that-”

“HALT.” They jumped and whirled around. Someone in a bright red coat and hood was stalking toward them, a red trident gripped in their right hand.

“Shit.” Dirk stepped forward, drawing his katana out of his sylladex. “Hang on, I got this.”

“hey strider you might wwanna be careful since-”

“Wait.” Jake leaned forward to peer up under their hood. “Jane?!”

The girl tipped her head back slightly to they could see her face better. Her eyes had gone completely black, with glowing red irises. A suspicious red tiara was wrapped around her forehead and her face held no emotion, only a startling sense of focus. She swung her trident out to jab it at the group.

“All of you,” Her voice held a strange auto-tuned quality. “Surrender, and come with me immediately. More guards are on the way. Resistance will only be met with additional pain.”

“WELL FUCK.” Karkat slid back into a battle stance. “HOW MANY MORE GUARDS?”

“Don’t.” Dirk held his arm out to stop him, “Don’t fight her, she’s under some control.”

“I WON’T KILL HER.”

“put tha sickle down dude” Roxy turned to her friend. “hey janey cmon-”

“Silence.” She kept the fork trained on the group while her face remained impassive. “Submit now, and lower your weapons.”

“Jane…” Dirk slid forward a step, still holding his sword. “You’re being controlled. Take the headband off.”

“Put down the sword.” She answered coldly, “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

“hey just fyi…” Eridan eyed the weapon warily. “that fin-”

The Heart student shifted his weight and apparently Jane took that as a sign of resistance because she lunged. He swore and slammed his back against the wall, barely missing the blow. At the same time Karkat caught the blur of motion and jumped forward to attack. The dull points of the trident caught him right in the chest. There was a brilliant flash of electricity and he crumpled to the ground, twitching faintly.

“…its a taser.” Eridan gestured to the fallen troll, “the forks a taser by the wway.”

“TH-A-NKS A FUCK- **TON** E-RI-DAN.” He choked, glaring at him through the pain.

“Jane snap out of it!” Jake waved his hand, then snapped his fingers at her. “Its us!”

She moved her head a bare half a centimeter to focus on him.

“…Jake.” His eyes lit up.

“Right! Come on why dont we-”

“DON’T TALK TO ME!” He yelped and jumped back as her red eyes sharpened with anger. “YOU…YOU FUCKING HEARTBREAKER! I’LL COULD JUST STAB YOU RIGHT NOW!” She waved her trident to enunciate her point.

“oh cod. ok ok hang on.” Eridan, wearing a tired grimace, stepped between them and spread his hands out to stop them. “clam down lets clam dowwn cray?”

“What…” Jane lowered her weapon as part of her rage changed to downright bewilderment. “Eridan!? What are you **doing**?!” He sighed and waved his hand at her, ignoring the hostile tone and weapon near his stomach.

“hey look i get it youre mad,” He gestured to Jake, “he broke your heart he broke roxs heart he broke dirks heart he broke my heart-”

“What do you mean i broke YOUR-” He shot the boy a glare and jerked his hand to silence him, then turned back to Jane.

“but you knoww you dont actshelly wwanna krill him.”

“Stop making puns!” She snapped. He leaned back and raised his hands.

“alright alright no puns just listen. is stabbin english through the chest **reelly** gonna solvve anyfin-i mean anythin? think about it.”

“Are you out of your mind!?” She slammed the butt of her fork down against the floor. “Was that actually supposed to help **anything**? I must have fried your brain when I tased you!” He shrugged and dug his hands into his pockets.

“wwhale yeah mostly i just wwanted to givve rox some time.”

“What?” Her gaze snapped to the rest of the group. Dirk was helping Karkat up and Jake was watching her warily, but Roxy was gone.

“hiya!” The girl jumped out of the wall next to her and snatched the tiara off. Jane gasped and her hands flew up to clutch at her head. She clamped her eyes shut and groaned, rubbing circles around her temples. Roxy gently squeezed her shoulder.

“u ok janey?” The Life student looked up at her. Her eyes had returned to their normal light blue.

“I’ve got a terrible migraine but at least I’m not a machine.”

“G-G-GREAT.” Karkat hissed, leaning heavily against Dirk. “NOW CAN WE *PLEASE*…” A loud crash shook the hallway. Jake glanced over his shoulder.

“What the tiddly darn was that?”

“Oh shoot!” Jane winced at her own loud exclamation. “The other guards!” Dirk held his sword in one hand while the other supported the troll. His eyes narrowed as he stared down the hallway behind Roxy.

“Do you know how many? And what kind of other guard makes that sound?”

“Um, a lot.”

Eridan raised an eyebrow at the approaching clanking sound. “they students too?”

“No, they-”

“shit.” He took a step back as a hulking metal shape came stomping down the hallway. “wwhat the **fuck** …” It was almost humanoid, but too thick in the arms and feet. Its back and head bristled with daunting spikes and crude steel clamps made up its hands.

“oh my god.” Roxy whispered, staring at the approaching robot. “eri i know wat that is” His eyes darted over to her for a second.

“you do?”

“i remember them…” Her fingers came up to curl through her hair. He realized she had frozen up. “i…i ran away eri. id run away and **those** things would get me.”

“wwait a sec wwhat-” He blinked, then his eyes widened in horror. “oh shit oh **shit** i remember those too ok yeah neww plan.” He grabbed his friends hand and whirled around to run down the other hall. Karkat gave him a look of disgusted confusion.

“YOU’RE *RUNNING*?! SINCE WHEN ARE YOU A COWA-” Dirk shoved him back as the droid lunged forward. Karkat yelped as the heavy metal claw dug into the floor beneath his feet, then turned to scuttle after them with the others.

“OKAY, YES, NEW PLAN. NEW PLAN IS GOOD. WHAT’S THE NEW PLAN?”

“ **run.”** Eridan barked over his shoulder.

“ANYTHING ELSE?”

“i thought you wwere the leader.”

They stopped at another intersection. Dirk glanced over his shoulder.

“Shit. I’ve seen those before.” Jane swallowed. She was still holding onto her trident.

“Can we take them?”

“Fighting in a hallway sucks. I can probably take one or two.” Eridan squinted down the hall.

“fuck they took my glasses howw many are there noww?”

“Looks like eight.”

“heads up!” Another droid crashed through a door next to them. The group scrambled as its claw snapped out. Jake ducked out of the way just in time. He winced at the whistling noise it made near his ear.

“Are they trying to catch us or kill us?!”

“YOU WANNA FIND OUT!?” Karkat swung his sickle down on its arm. It bit into the metal then stuck. “FUCK!” It lifted him off the ground, then threw him into Jane. Dirk leapt forward and shoved his sword into its chest. He twisted it, then yanked upwards and out.

“Okay.” He examined the sparking wires jutting from the twisting metal. “ **That** did something.” Roxy glanced back at the other approaching robots.

“k but wat about-”

“Get down!” He grabbed her shoulder and shoved her to the ground as the machine exploded. He heard Karkat yell and Eridan swore before he realized he was falling. His eyes snapped open and he straighted out just in time to land on his feet on the next floor down.

“Shit.” He glanced around. They were in some room, thankfully empty. “We blew out the floor?”

“um nah” Roxy looked up at the intact roof. “i think i phased us thru.”

“What?” He looked up as well, then shook his head. “Shit. What about the others?”

“still up thar.”

“So that’s your new Void powers?”

“oh i dunno.” She held up her ring, “i think it had somethin to do with-” They winced as a crash sounded from somewhere worryingly close. Dirk flipped his sword up.

“Okay we’ll sort it out later.”

They headed over to one of the doors on the far wall. The Heart student kicked it open and found a hallway.

“do we have any idea where were goin?”

“I’ll figure it out.” He growled as a message dinged in his glasses.

 

TT: If only you had thought to download a map while you were hacking.

TT: I suppose we were pressed for time. One can only push buttons so fast.

 

“This isn’t the time.”

“wut?”

“Nothing.”

“i could try and phase us thru the ground again”

“That’s a good backup plan, but let’s see if we can meet up with the others first.”

“k” She sighed and checked over her shoulder, “hope theyre ok…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 8  
> "References to Karkat's Death" Count: 2 (including this one and the one far back with the lava.)
> 
> In case you wanted to know about the scores:  
> Eridan: Usually 45% power with a 5-8% absorption rate.  
> Roxy: 50% power with a 11-16% absorption rate.  
> Jane: 50% power with a 12-15% absorption rate.  
> Dirk: 45% power with a 6-9% absorption rate.  
> Jake: 55% power with a 13-18% absorption rate. He could probably go higher if conscious.
> 
> Princes naturally have trouble as they tend to resist their Aspect. Pages naturally do well. Eridan isn't super behind because this level of the procedure was started fairly recently for all of them.
> 
> I wrote this before I learned apparently one must do some highly advanced hacking before ripping the tiaratop off Jane's head. Let's just assume she's fine and move on.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan attempts to weaponize Jake, Roxy attempts to convince Eridan he's a wizard, and Karkat totally ruins the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Behold my shittiest plot twist yet (at the end).
> 
> Bring on the Reference to Summerteen Romance from Paradox Space.
> 
> Karkat is always ready to get up to date on the romantic situations of everyone, regardless of incoming peril.

“OKAY SO,” Karkat stole a quick look at the girl beside him as they sprinted down the hallway. The heavy clanking behind him was giving the troll some serious motivation for speed. “QUESTION ONE: WHAT ARE THE CHANCES YOU’RE GOING TO GO BATSHIT CRAZY AND RED AGAIN?”

“Roxy got the headband off!” Jane glanced over her shoulder as they ran. “And I’m pretty sure we left it behind there!”

“ALRIGHT THAT’S SOME GOOD NEWS FOR A CHANGE. QUESTION TWO: DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF HERE?”

“Um…” Her eyebrows furrowed in deep thought. “It’s pretty fuzzy right now. I’m not sure. We might come across some stairs right…” They rounded the corner and she jabbed her finger at one of the doors. “There!”

“EXCELLENT.” Karkat shoved it open and they started their descent. “QUESTION THREE: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED TO ERIDAN AND THAT OTHER GUY?”

“I think they ran the other way.”

“FIGURES.” He paused at the ending to gulp down some air. “I DON’T HEAR THEM COMING. THINK WE’RE SAFE?”

“Maybe for a little while…”

“ALRIGHT.” He crashed down on the steps. “WHEW. OKAY. SO UH, WHAT WAS THAT THING ABOUT THE HEARTBREAKING?”

“Ugh…” She sighed heavily and sat down as well, resting her trident against her shoulder. “Forget it. It’s horrendously embarrassing.”

“HE’S DATING DIRK, RIGHT? BUT YOU LIKE HIM TOO?”

“Yeah…”

“AND ERIDAN LIKES HIM?”

“No!” She shook her head. “I mean I don’t think so! He was aways talking about how he hated him!”

“OH. DID HE GET REJECTED?”

“ **What**?!”

“IT’S A SIMPLE FUCKING QUESTION.”

“No it’s not!”

“LOOK, I’M JUST TRYING TO GET UP TO DATE ON THE ROMANTIC WEBBING HERE.”

“We are being pursued by giant robots!”

“OKAY, YOU HAVE A POINT.” He got up, “LET’S GO BEFORE WE GET CORNERED HERE. I HOPE THE REST OF YOU ASSHOLES ARE OKAY.”

 

000

 

Eridan screeched to a stop at a dead end. He jerked his gaze up and down the windowless plaster, growling in frustration. Jake caught up and bent over to rest his hands on his knees, breathing heavily.

“I-I say old chap y-you sure can run. Are you still on track?”

“i quit that in fall” He strode over to a door and rattled the knob. “my exercise came mainly from runnin from angels SHIT” He whirled around to face the marching sound. “and wwhy did i havve to get stuck wwith you for cods sake please tell me you at least brought a gun or twwo”

“Um no?”

“wwhat!?” He jerked his head over his shoulder to give him a look of disbelief. “are you jokin?! wwhy the fuck did you evven come here if you aint evven armed?!”

“I dont know!” He threw his arms up in a shrug. “I just wanted to be of some help!”

“wwell howw are you helpful wwithout a gun!?”

“I dont know.” He bit his lip, tears gathering in his eyes again. “I guess im not! I shouldnt have come at all!”

“thats not wwhat i meant you dumbass.” He spun and side-kicked the wall, but it yielded no results. “cant you do fistkind or fisticuffs or wwhatevver you call it?”

“I cant pummel those!” He jabbed his finger down the hall. “I couldnt even beat dirks science project robot!”

“for fucks sake” He snarled and stalked over to him, grabbing his shoulders. “then use your stupid angels!” He shook him so violently he knocked his glasses ajar. “use wwhatevver damn hope powwer shit you havve from makin friends wwith those monsters.”

“But-!” He shoved his glasses back into place to stare back at him. “You got rid of them!”

“are you jokin i didnt get rid a them i just smacked em awway if they aint showwin up its cause a you.”

“So what about you?”

“i only do shit wwhen ivve been juiced up like a battery youre the hopeful one.”

“What am i supposed to even do!?”

“i dont knoww **somefin**.”

“I CANT DO ANYTHING!” He shoved himself out of his grip and fell backwards. His tears welled over to run down his cheeks. “I CANT DO A GOSH DARN THING AND WERE GOING TO GET CAPTURED BECAUSE IM JUST SO USELESS.”

“ARGGG!” He slammed his fist into the wall in frustration. “are wwe reelly doin this noww?! i havve no idea wwhy dirk is into you! i havve no idea wwhy **i** wwas into you!” Jake stared up at him in horror.

“I thought you hated me!”

“YES I FUCKIN HATED YOU!” He threw his hands up, glaring down at him. “i hated you but i respected you i wwanted to fight you and mess with you i wwanted to be your **rivval** but noww im just fuckin disgusted! if you realize you aint as great as you thought then suck it up and GET BETTER. race me to get better! do **somefin**!”

“Like what!?”

“for fucks sake.” He glanced back at the approaching droids, calculating around 30 seconds more before they caught up. “cod damn it.” He grabbed Jake’s shirt and yanked him up so their eyes locked. “okay listen theyre gonna catch us in half a minute and youre our only hope since i sure as shell dont havve any.”

“But…”

“howw about this:” He shook him again, trying to force his face out of a snarl. “if you cod havve **anyfin** to get us out of this jam right noww wwhat wwould it be?”

“What?” He croaked, “How-”

“ **anyfin**. a bomb a gun wwhatevver the fuck you wwant just **hope** for it or somefin. wwhat do you wwant right noww?”

“I want you to stop yelling at me!”

“THEN DO SOMEFIN BEFORE WWE GET CAPTURED.” He shook him again. “YOU WWANNA GET SHOT THROUGH WITH BURNIN LIGHT?!”

“No!”

“then wwhat do you wwant!?”

“I want…” He swallowed, “H-How about a prince?” The Seadweller leaned back to give him a stunned look.

“a prince.”

“I guess!?” He sniveled, still being held off the ground, “I dont know im feeling like its curtains for both of us so i guess i wish someone would come give us a hand!”

“a prince.” His face twisted into its most terrified snarl yet as he began to shake him vigorously again. “YOUVVE ALREADY GOT SOME CODDAMN ROYALTY RIGHT HERE AND ALL HE FEELS LIKE DOIN IS PUNCHIN YOUR FACE IN.” Jake flailed his arms at his tormentor, trying to get him to let go.

“YOU ARENT THE ONE I WANT!”

“for cods sake…” Eridan could feel panic, frustration and rage all building up into one killer of a headache. He was so freaking **mad** right now at this sniveling piece of company and he really did want to punch him and yet he kinda still wanted to kiss him too and God where the fuck did Roxy go? Why was he even asking for Roxy right now? What did **that** mean? He groaned and tilted his head back. His brain was probably going to explode before the droids even caught them. A human hand on his shoulder broke him out of his simmering thoughts.

“Hey.”

He dropped Jake and spun around. Dirk was facing him. Dirk was facing him and pulling his fist back.

A sharp right hook sent the troll stumbling backwards. Jake jumped out of the way, then looked up in astonishment at his boyfriend.

“Dirk! When did you…How did you…”

“and **wwhat** …” Eridan sat up, scowling at him and rubbing his cheek. “…are you wwearin?! aint that the costume from the fair?” He gestured with distaste at the fancy dark pink outfit.

“One question at a time. Actually, we kinda have a bigger issue first.” He turned around, facing the robots. “One sec.” He flipped his katana up, then shot forward. He swung the blade out and sliced through the chest of the first before making a quick spin to decapitate the other.

“wwhoa.” The Seadweller stood up, still rubbing his cheek. “but howw did he get here, especially wwearin that ridiculous getup?”

“I dont know!”

“Hey.” Dirk turned to them and jerked his head. “Let’s go before more come.” They hurried to follow him back down the hall. Eridan fell into step beside him.

“wwait so wwheres rox i thought you wwere wwith her and wwhen the fuck did you change into that **also** wwhat-”

“Okay calm down.” He held his hand out to stop the flood of questions. “Basically, I’m not **exactly** the real Dirk.”

“What?!” Jake looked like he might start crying again. “But-”

“Whoa whoa, hang on.” He waved his hands to calm him down, and for a second his whole being seemed to flicker. “I **am** Dirk. Sorta. I’m just like…a dream.”

“dreams are fake.” Eridan grunted, glancing over his shoulder for droids. “so wwere just hallucinatin again i **guess** its a step up from the angels.”

“Yeah well this hallucination just saved your ass so you’re welcome.” The other could only offer a muttered obscenity at that. Dirk stopped at a doorway, then kicked it open.

“Here, stairs. You guys should be able to at least get to the fifth floor from here. Good luck.”

“Wait…” Jake frowned and gripped the hem of his shirt. “You arent joining us?”

“Nah man.” He held up his hand, which was starting to turn transparent. “I can’t stay. See?”

“Not on my watch!” He pressed the heel of his hands against his temples and squeezed his eyes shut. “Stay!”

“Hey, easy.” The dream flickered bright for a second, then held his hands up to make him stop. “You’re going to burn yourself out. Just find me and Roxy, okay? Also Jane and the loud one.”

“But jane-”

“She doesn’t hate you.” He knocked his fist against his fading chest. “Trust me.”

“But-”His shoulders slumped, “I cant…”

“Come on, Jake.” He gave him a thumbs-up. “You’ll be fine. I believe in you as much as you believed in me just now.”

He flickered out. The two boys blinked, then Eridan sighed and shook his head.

“wwhatevver lets go.” They shuffled down the staircase. It was silent for a bit until the troll mumbled something under his breath.

“kneww you could do it.”

“Did you say something?”

“i said youre an idiot.”

 

000

 

“GODDAMN LOUSY ROBOTS!” Karkat screamed as he and Jane pelted down the hall. “WHERE THE HELL IS THAT DAMN ASCENSION CELL?”

“Try left.” Jane panted, glancing backwards as she ran. The troll whirled down the suggested path and slammed into someone.

“FUCK.” He fell backwards and shook his head, then looked up. “OH.” Eridan fixed his glasses and scrambled to his feet. He looked past them at the approaching droids, then back over his own shoulder.

“ugh damn.”

“Jane…” Jake swallowed, “Uh,”

“no time” The Seadweller hissed, dragging him down a third hall. “this wway! movve it!” The other two followed. Jane paused, noticing a sign on one of the pipes above. She jammed her fork into it and a dark liquid dripped out to spatter on the floor. The girl touched the tip of her weapon into the mess and hit a button. There was a bright spark and flames rushed out to fill the hallway.

“SMART.” Karkat grunted as she caught up, “WILL IT HELP?” The first droid reached the flame trap, and proceeded to walk right through it.

“Guess not.” Jane groaned.

“Uh…” Jake pointed down the hall, where another line of robots were approaching. “Chaps?”

“HOW DO THEY EVEN HAVE THIS MANY?” The troll kicked open a door nearby. “LET’S HOPE THIS IS A WAY OUT!”

The door led to a huge dark room. Eridan found the lightswitch and hit it, revealing two broken tanks in the middle.

“huh.” He eyed the broken glass, “wwonder wwhat nasties **these** had.”

“It could have just been some students.” Jane pointed out.

“Hey chums.” Jake glanced around the room, “I dont see any other exits do you?”

The door flew off its hinges and one of the droids forced its way through the entrance. The kids scrambled back and those that had them raised their weapons.

They scattered as the first droid charged. Eridan slipped and fell backwards, nearly cracking his horn on the ground.

“shit shit shit…” He propped himself up on his elbows as the robot turned toward him. It reached out for him, but paused as something ricocheted off its head.

“LEAVE’M ALONE!” Roxy hurled another green cube at the droid. It bounced of its chest harmlessly, but served to bring its attention over to the two newcomers.

“Hey,” Dirk nodded to them, “Everyone alright?”

“rox wwhat…” Eridan got up, “wwhere did you get those?” He got his answer when she raised her hands above her head, summoning another one out of thin air. She tossed it high into the air. As the robot leaned back to watch it Dirk rushed in and sliced it up the chest.

“howw did you do that?” Roxy shrugged as she hopped over to him.

“i dunno i just wanted something to throw and *pop*!” She wiggled her fingers and another lime green cube appeared.

“huh,” He squinted at it, “wweird howw-”

“later!” She turned to the others and raised her hands, “yo! everyone gather round!”

“WHAT?” Karkat backed toward her while keeping his eyes on the droids. “SO WE CAN BE A SMALLER TARGET?”

“jus do’t!” He grumbled but ran to join them as they gathered. Roxy locked arms with Eridan and Dirk and grabbed Jane and Jake’s hands. “yo nubbies touch my arm or somethin”

“PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS SOME ELABORATE-” Dirk rolled his eyes and snatched his hand to plant it against her shoulder. “HEY-WHOA!” They dropped through the ground. Karkat counted three hallways flashing past him before everything went dark. A second later he felt himself fall into a pile of objects in which at least the majority was soft.

“UGH.” He winced and rolled away from the others. He sat up and held his hands out in front of him. Not even trolls could see in pitch darkness. “FUCK. WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?” He heard Eridan’s grudging voice somewhere to his left.

“hang on hang on.”

There was a faint crack, then a bit of light appeared in the room. The Seadweller shook the glowing object, then held it up to look around.

“WHAT…” Karkat tilted his head to the side and squinted at the beacon. “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CARRYING A LUMINESCENT ROD?” He gave him an annoyed look.

“gee kar howw about somefin more along the line a “wwoww eridan good fin you had a glowwstick on ya nice job”.”They glared at each other until the Hope student sighed, “they gavve them out on the fourth a july and i nevver used mine ok?”

Dirk took off his glasses to see better, “Looks like we fell backstage in the auditorium.”

“Ow…” Jake shoved himself up, rubbing his side. “I think i fell on a prop sword…Jane could you get off me?”

“Oof, right.” Jane got up, “Thanks for uh, breaking my fall I guess? Glad I didn’t impale anyone with this fork.”

“YOU MEAN IMPALE SOMEONE *AGAIN*?” She bit her lip and shrugged awkwardly.

“Sorry…”

“Anyways,” Dirk got up, offering a hand to Jake. “Let’s get out of here. Those robots might-” He fell silent as a loud thud echoed out from the darkness.

“SHIT.” Karkat growled, holding up his sickle. “WHAT LIMB DO I HAVE TO SACRIFICE TO GET *ONE MINUTE* OF…”

“Quiet.” The blond human waved his hand at Eridan. “Eridan put the glowstick away.”

“wwhat you think they cant see in the-”

“Put it away.” He stowed it back into his sylladex, throwing the room back into darkness. The group huddled in silence as a quiet shuffling gradually approached.

“wwait,” Karkat heard Eridan hiss way too close to his ear. “that doesnt sound like-”

The lights flickered on, revealing two humans in the doorway. The first one was a girl with long hair and a green sweater, while the second was a tall boy with a mop of unruly locks and a skeleton-print shirt. They both stared at the kids with bewilderment.

She girl cocked her head at them, then blew out her cheeks to glare in annoyance. She raised her hand and her fingers flew around to form several pattern in the air.

“WHAT THE?” The troll nudged Eridan, “WHAT DOES SHE WANT?”

“shes probably mad wwere messin around wwith the props.”

Roxy hopped up and clapped her hands together, giving them a wide apologetic grin.

“sorreee!” She rubbed her hand over her chest in a circular motion. “um we can explain!” The boy turned to the girl and signed out something with his hands. She watched him, then turned back to the others and rested her hands on her hips, obviously waiting for said explanation.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? SOME SECRET SCHOOL CODE?” Eridan smacked him on the head.

“meu is deaf you dumbass and kur is mute and wwere all gettin sent to the main office if wwe cant get out of this.”

“ok so…” The Void student gave them a nervous smile, “uh would u believe me if i said evil school robots were chasin us and we just phased thru the floor and happened to fall down here?” They gave her a look that very obviously answered in the negative. “ok so how bout-”

The ceiling caved in above them and they scrambled out of the way as a droid dropped down with a heavy thud.

“seriously?!” Roxy yanked Eridan into a run away from the bot. “aw man they aint even tryin to hide now”

They skittered out onto the stage. The Seadweller glanced around.

“wwhered the others go?” The girl winced as several more loud crashes reverberated through the auditorium.

“sounds liek theyve got their own shit”

“aww shell.” He swallowed as the droid ripped its way through the curtains. “rox do you havve a wweapon?”

“uh i had the blue gun…”

“wwhich got snapped in half right” He groaned as they started backing away.

“maybe we can take it.”

“are you kiddin?” He waved his hand at it, “wwater you gonna do **punch** it to death you aint eq.”

“didnt you have some other strife thing sides riflekind?”

“uh,” His eyes widened and he flushed a deep violet before doubling over to clutch at his head. “oh SHIT the buckets! i just fuckin realized-”

“ok ok later worry bout that later” She battered him on the shoulder to get his attention back. “anythin else?”

“ugh just wwandkind.” He snorted, “wwhats that good for sides play…” He paused as his friend whirled around to grab his wrist. “…pretend?” Roxy shoved an ornate wand into his hand and held it up to his face.

“yer a wizard, eri” She whispered, meeting his eyes. Eridan stared back, blinked, then disbelief slowly crawled up into his face.

“did you actshelly savve one a my shitty wwands!?”

“hell yes” She spun him around to face the robot. “cmon do the hopey thing”

“wwater you **mean** do the hopey fin?! i cant just” He held his hands up to make air quotations, “do a hopey fin”

“sure u can! u did it before!”

“yeah but-” He gulped as the robot stomped closer until it loomed over him. “shit.” He hesitantly raised the prop wand. “fuck uh…” He flicked the end at it, “avvada kedavvra?” The droid paused, then reached down and scooped him up around the waist.

“hrk! fuck!” He squawked and flailed the wand madly as he was raised up off the ground and brought level to the machine’s head. Lights flashed in the slits where its eyes would be, indicating some kind of scan. Eridan stared at the head, then looked down at the wand.

“oh screww this” He jammed the wooden rod right into one of the slits. The droid stumbled back and dropped him while a frantic beeping sounded from its head.

“eri!” Roxy grabbed him as he fell to help him land steady. He heaved a deep breath in and out, then lifted his shirt to glance down at his stomach.

“wwell i might be finner but at least im still in one piece.”

They glanced back as the robot yanked the wand out of its eye, then tried to teeter toward them. A shadow leapt up from behind it and there was a sharp crack as Kurloz brought two clubs to the back of its head. Meulin ran out in front of it with some rope as it stumbled forward. The rope caught and its pitched forward before crashing to the ground.

Kurloz gave his clubs an astounded look. They had been props from a circus performance and had unfortunately been the source of the crack, not the robots. He dropped the broken weapons and jabbed his finger toward the exit, a very clear sign for “GTFO”.

“ya good idea” Roxy swung her arm toward the exit, “YO GUYS CMON!”

They ran out into the grass. Karkat winced as a low whining sound assaulted him.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT HIDEOUS SOUND?”

“It’s the school’s emergency siren!” They turned to find Aranea and Meenah running toward them. Meenah gave a low whistle.

“jeez you guppies are alwaves gettin into shit aint ya”

Roxy grimaced and plugged her ears with her fingers.

“they didnt even play this when jake caught the kitchen on fire!” Aranea held up her phone.

“The school just declared a campus emergency. Everyone is required to get indoors and stay there.” Jake glanced around.

“They wouldnt bring those bots out here would they?”

“wwanna bet?”

“you guys better shove off if ya catch mah drift” Meenah gave them a sharklike grin, “say hi to seaket two for me cray”

“mees right” Eridan jerked his thumb toward the wall. “wwe should get the shell outta here beshore they go hooking for us.” He blinked, realizing the Life student was staring at him. “wwha-oh shit.” Before he could realize his mistake she had captured him into an affectionate headlock.

“AWWWWWWW” She squealed and prodded at his cheek, “yo amporca two when did ya start usin fish puns if that aint just A-DORCA-BUBBL--E”

“IM NOT ADORCABLE!” He screamed, trying to wiggle out of the iron grip.

“oy and water these” She poked at his fins, “are these reel howd you do dat i want some”

“DONT TOUCH THOSE.” Karkat winced as the Seadweller’s voice raised an octave. Roxy lightly touched his arm and he slipped through the hold. He stood up straight and shook his head.

“thanks.” He mumbled, rubbing his fins.

“Hey chums?” Jake scanned the sky, biting his lip. “The siren stopped.”

“IS THAT A GOOD THING?”

A stream of robots burst up from the roof of the building. They circled once before dropping down to glide toward them.

“YOU *MUST* BE JOKING!” Karkat grabbed two fistfuls of his hair as he stared at the sky in horror. “THOSE DEMENTED CHUNKS OF IRON CAN *FLY*??!”

“Run!” The group followed Dirk’s orders and made a break for the wall.

“UH, I’M PRETTY SURE AT LEAST HALF OF US CAN’T JUMP THAT!”

“We’ll figure something out.” He grunted, “Shit.” They skidded to a stop as several droids landed in front of them.

“HEY, OPEN AREA COMBAT.” Karkat raised his sickle, “I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.”The rest came down to surround them in a tight circle. “UH.”

“hey! there they are!” An unnaturally strong gust of wind crashed into them. Karkat growled and raised his hand to keep the dust out of his eyes as he glared up at the sky.

“EGBERT! HOW ABOUT KNOCKING OFF THE WINDSTORM!?” They followed his gaze to the boy floating above them.

“sorry!” He shouted over the wind, “i’m trying to stay in the air!”

“hey guys!” Jade zoomed over, also flying. “catch!” She hurled two rifles and pair of pistols into the circle. Eridan’s face lit up into a frightening grin as he caught the rifle.

“harley i cod kiss ya!”

“Hang on a jiffy chum!” Jake caught one pistol and stooped to pick up the other one. “Thats my grandmother-daughter youre talking to!” He snorted and rolled his eyes as he cocked the rifle.

“yeah and dave **totally** approvves a you” He leveled the barrel at the nearest robot’s head. “betcha i can dowwn more a these suckers than you can”

Roxy rolled her eyes as she cocked the remaining rifle. “yo guys dont go overboard”

“shore”

The next few moments were an explosion of gunfire and the screech of metal on metal. Karkat took the first gap he saw and rolled through, then slashed at a droid’s joints, trying to make another opening.

“HEY WIGGLERS GET YOUR BULGES IN GEAR. THE FASTER WE GET OUT OF HERE THE BETTER.”

Jane leapt up and jammed her fork into one of the robots’ chests. She hit the electricity. It spasmed and threw her back to the ground. Roxy heard a sickening crack and winced.

“janey! u okay?” The girl sat up, tears running down her cheeks. She turned and spread her hand out over her ankle. Green light oozed out to cover the area.

“Come on!” She grit her teeth, “Heal! Heal Goddammit!”

“fuck.” Eridan backed up a step, “gotta hit them right in the eyes to do **anyfin.** ”

“Mr eridan hit the deck!” He dropped to the grass as Jake shot a round over his head at a droid’s face. The gun made a tell-tale clicking noise, prompting its user to stare at it in horror. “Oh bollocks!”

“wwhat?!” Eridan straightened up to glare at him. “youre **already** out?!”

“These arent exactly cut out for a lot of shots!”

“oh for fucks sake.” His head whipped around. The bots were closing in. Jane was still on the ground. And he didn’t have that much ammo left himself.

And then he was doused with goop.

“AUGH!” He shook his head and tried to sweep the fluffy white stuff off his clothes and gun. “wwhat the shell?” He held his hand up to his nose and sniffed it. “is this…” He gave it a baffled look, “is this shavvin cream?!” He glanced back up at the droids to find them in disarray. It was probably messing with their sensors or something.

“HEY.” He felt someone prod his shoulder and turned around.

“wwhat?” Karkat jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

“SOME HUMAN ADULT IN A FEDORA JUST PICKED UP JANE AND RAN OFF.”

“…wwhat? what?!” He jerked his head around to spot a figure fleeing across the lawn, one hand holding Jane over his shoulder while the other kept his hat from blowing away in the wind. “wwhat the? wwho the shell is that?”

The man set her down a bit away from the fray and ran back to hurl some more cans at the droids. They whistled through the air and exploded against them, spattering more of the white gunk.

“Damn.” Dirk wiped the shaving cream off his glasses. “How hard is he throwing those?”

“HEY JOHN!” Karkat raised his arms, also coated in the soapy mess. “HOW ABOUT SOME CLEAN UP? JOHN?” The Breath student had landed beside Jane and joined her in staring at the newcomer. “UH, GUYS?” He watched as the man turned back to walk toward the two kids, then knelt down to capture them both in a tight hug. “HEY! EXCUSE ME! ESCAPE IN PROGRESS! EGBERT MOVE YOUR-” Someone jabbed him sharply in the ribs. He whirled around to glare at Roxy. “WHAT?!”

“theyre havin a moment!”

“WE’RE HAVING A MOMENT TOO! IT’S THE BRIEF MOMENT IT TAKES FOR GIANT METAL DEMONS TO WIPE OFF SOME HYGIENIC FOAM BEFORE THEY GO BACK TO TRYING TO KILL OR CAPTURE US!”

“He has a point.” Dirk stepped forward and shouted across the lawn. “Egbert! Can you get us out of here? You can bring your dad. Or Jane’s dad. Whichever.” He turned his head to look at him.

“w-wha-oh! right!” He waved his arms to break out of the hug. “umm…! okay!” He swung his arms upward and the wing tossed all three of them into the sky. He flung his hands over at the rest of the group to pick them up as well.

“shit!” Eridan yelped and clutched his gun to his chest as he flipped backwards into the sky. “hey howw about some wwarnin!?”

“QUIT WHINING.”

John dumped them on the sidewalk outside the wall. A good portion of the town had gathered to inspect the commotion.

“UGH.” Karkat got up and smacked some more of the cream off him. “OKAY. ARE THEY FOLLOWING US?” Dirk tilted his head back to look at the sky.

“Doesn’t look like it.”

“GREAT. IS EVERYONE HERE?” He spun around, counting them off. “ERIDAN, HIS FRIEND, YOU, YOUR BOYFRIEND, FLYING GIRL, EGBERT, THAT OTHER GIRL, AND PLUS ONE MORE APPARENTLY.”

“w-wait…” John pointed a shaky finger at the man. “you…are you…?” The adult reached out to ruffle his hair, then turned to do the same to Jane, but she jerked away and covered her head.

“Hang on! I don’t know who…what’s going on here?! Are you his dad or mine??” The man cocked his head to the side, pondered the questions then took out his wallet. He flicked through the sylladex slots a bit before pulling out a tattered photograph to show them. He himself stood in the middle, flanked by two grinning dark-haired children in glasses.

“wait, is that me?!” John pointed at the young boy on the left. “i don’t remember this! or wait yes i do. this was my thirteenth birthday.”

“It was **my** thirteenth birthday!” She leaned back and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Ugh, my head is hurting a ton again…” She groaned and rubbed her temples. “And just when the one from the tiara had finally left…Hang on. I need to look through those stupid memories again. There’s all foggy but…Wait…just wait a second…John?”

“yeah?”

“John…” She repeated the name to herself, quietly. “John…I think…I think we had siblings.”

“what no way.” He leaned back and crossed his arms. “i would totally remember if i had a sibling! like uh…dad was the one who pranked me all the time right? and uh…there’s that room i cant remember what was in it but i’m sure it was just…uh…”

“ **My** room?”

“no! it was…um…um…oh wow…maybe?” He stared up at the man, “but what are you doing here?” He held out his phone, which showed the messages Jane had sent him.

“oh ok i guess that would-whoa!” He yelped at the man pulled both him and Jane up and pulled them over to the curb. He stood on the curb and let them go to drop a large sedan out of his sylladex onto the street.

“Uh, wait.” Jane stepped back as he opened one of the doors. “Hang on! You can’t take us home right **now**!”

“WHOA.” Karkat grabbed onto John’s arm. “DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT? HOW ABOUT NO MORE KIDNAPPING?”

“It’s not kidnapping if he’s their legal guardian.” Dirk pointed out. Roxy cocked her head to the side.

“ya but is he?” A familiar voice cut in from the crowd.

“That appears to be them over there.” Rose and Kanaya pushed themselves through the cluster of people. “Oh dear. Is that who I think it is?”

“Who Is It”

“KANAYA?” The Cancer troll released John to turn and face her. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I LEFT YOU TO WATCH THE OTHERS!”

“We Got Concerned”

“For good reason, it would appear.” Rose swept her gaze over the group. “Perhaps we should beat a hasty retreat.”

“Eridan You Have Returned To Your Seadweller Form” Eridan gave a grimace and rubbed his shoulder.

“yeah it wwas reel fun speakin a fun fins.” He threw his hands up on the air. “auspisticism fuckin SUCKS!” She gave him a blank stare, then blinked slowly.

“Im Sorry What”

“wwhy didnt you tell me wwhat a pain it wwas wwhen i kept botherin you bout me and vvris?!” He groaned, rubbing the back of his neck. “i nearly got stabbed and zapped **again** for some crybaby douchebag sheesh.”

“Well PARDON ME MR ERIDAN.”

“shut it.” He rolled his shoulder, “damn i think i pulled somefin tryin to get out a that tank.”

“What” Kanaya turned as he walked past her. “Eridan What Was That What Happened Did You Attempt To Auspisticize Someone Eridan Wait A Second”

“uh…” John awkwardly gestured to the adult beside him. “so can we…bring him back to your house?” Karkat gave him a dark glare.

“ARE YOU ASKING THAT I INVITE A STRANGE HUMAN ADULT MALE WHO CAME LITERALLY OUT OF NOWHERE INTO OUR HOME?”

“um yeah?”

“YOU KNOW WHAT?” He whirled and started to stomp down the street. “FINE! EVERYONE’S INVITED! PLEASE FOLLOW ME WHILE I LEAD YOU BACK TO ALL MY COMRADES!” John’s eyes lit up.

“thanks!”

“SHUT THE HELL UP.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John and Jane: Reunite with your loving human father.  
> Come on guys, did you really thing I was going to get rid of this lovable homestuck father?
> 
> That awkward moment when you realize your dad isn't actually a robot and you have to come to terms with the fact that you scared him so much he somehow managed to get here from Washington in the span of a few hours (Maybe he was on a Serious Business trip?).
> 
> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 9  
> "References to Jake's Death" Count: 1  
> "References to Jane's Death" Count: 1
> 
> Eridan is the Prince of Hope, therefore he destroys with Hope. Jake is the Page of Hope, therefore he is Hope itself. Therefore apparently Eridan utilizes Jake to wreck shit? ^_^0  
> Eridan is highly confused at Jake's reaction because while he himself would wish for power to beat the droids, Jake wants someone to help him beat the droids. Hence their differences.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which questions are answered, plans are made, and bodies are hidden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to realize I kinda suck at writing Rosemary but oh well *shoves random bits of Rosemary in anyways*
> 
> Yay for awkward explanations of origins. And EriRox. Roxy freaking out over ear fins. These two nerds are so adorable. ^u^
> 
> Regardless of previous rants, Eridan remains a hardcore RoxyDirk shipper. He'll stop when Roxy is over him.

“yo eri” Eridan flinched at he felt someone flick the back of his head. “whatre you doin up on the roof again?” He turned around to glare at the blonde girl behind him.

“ coddammit rox dont do that.”

“lol” She plopped down beside him, tossing her legs off over the edge. “do wut?”

“surprise me wwhat if id shot you or somefin”

“pfff” She smacked his shoulder. “rite ok how liekly is that gunna happen?”

“i dunno.”

“soooo…” She propped her chin on her hands to stare at him. “ur officially a fishy alien again!”

“uh yeah.” He scratched his nose, “is it…is it wweird?”

“weird?” He swore and smacked his hands over his face.

“jesus christ did i reelly just ask a human if she was ok that i wwas a seadwweller?”

“hey” She patted him on the shoulder. “its fine. i dont care if ur a fish k? its kinda kewl even liek…” She reached out for his head. “youve got these fin things…” He jerked away, flattening the fins against his head.

“wwhoa hang on a-” His words were cut off as his companion released a deafening squeal and jabbed her finger at his face.

“u can move em!”

“…wwhat?” He gave her a baffled look. “yeah a course.” He tentatively wiggled them again. She made some inhuman noise and covered her mouth.

“oh em GEEE thats so neat!”

“uh yeah.” He flicked them harder so they smacked against his neck. “its just somefin wwe can do is it reelly that interestin?”

“EEEE!” He winced as she squealed again, then hesitantly extended her hand toward them. “can i?” He pursed his lips, then leaned forward.

“ok but you gotta be **reelly** careful theyre sensitive as shell.”

“k k” She carefully stroked the thin membrane with her finger. “oh wow dats kewl.” He made them flutter again, prompting a giggle from the girl.

“do they help you swim?”

“they help wwith my gills.” He pressed his fingers under one of the thin slits on his neck. “wwater direction and debris that stuff.”

“neato”

“wwhile wwere on the concept a odd skills,” He pointed at her, “wwhat wwas that shit wwith fadin through the floor and stuff?” She shrugged.

“i dunno guess its just my voidy thing?” She stretched her arms out in front of her. “or it mighta just been this ring” She held her hand up in front of his face so he could see the ring. “i found it awhile ago and thought it was urs?”

“wwhat?” He tapped it, “this aint mine vvris had my lost one.”

“eri?” She gasped, eyes growing wide. “its a magic ring!”

“no it aint you doofus.”

“nuh uh!” She wiggled her fingers. “it turned me invisible! its…” Her voice dropped into a whisper. “its **tha** ring” She bopped her glasses. “bam”

“it is not.” He grumbled, fixing his eyeware. “stuff like that is fake and-rox?” He looked around, then horror flashed across his face and he leaned over the edge to peer down below. “rox?! hey-”

“JK!” She reappeared and smacked her hands own on his shoulders. He gave a mix between a sputter and a yelp and his arms flew up to grip her wrists.

“codDAMMIT” He growled, “you scared the bubbles outta me! i thought you fell!”

“daw sorry.” She plopped down behind him. “im sorry fer all the bubbles that i scared right outta your little fishy gills” He just made a disgruntled whining noise. “so howd i do THAT mister skeptic?”

“whale…” He glanced back over his shoulder at her. “…does it have an inscription?”

“it does!” She pulled it off. “couldnt read it before but lets checkit out now” She held it up to the light and squinted at it with one finger. “it says…”

“…wwhat?” She smirked.

“excited?”

“oh just out wwith it.”

“uhn…” She frowned in concentration. “looks liek…“to the jewel a my life” or somethin” Eridan leaned back, smaking at her hand with the back of his head.

“yeah that somehoww doesnt sound like the mysterious vverse a doom.”

“no kiddin aw” Her disappointment faded into confusion. “so is dis…?”

“rox did you fuckin steal someones wweddin band?”

“it was on the ground!”

“wwoww”

“hush” She fitted it onto the point of his horn. “well i guess u can have twelve rings or whatever number youll have” He grimaced and took it off.

“wwhy dont you keep it?”

“cause!” She flopped down on her back. “the only time im gunna wear a gold ring is if some cute guy in a tux is puttin it on me!”

“fair enough” He gave her a quizzical look. “so if it wwasnt the ring its wwhat the school did to ya?”

“i guess?” She brought her hands up to stare at them.

“whale it shore beats the angels”

“pff i dunno u did some pretty badass stuff back there”

“it wwasnt reelly me doin it” He rubbed the back of his neck. “i just kinda…did it. i dont remember howw.”

“it was pretty crazy back then. dun worry youll get the hang a it” She wiggled her fingers and a bright green cube popped into existence between her hands. “hows this a voidy thing tho?”

“beats me can you make anyfin else?”

“”uhh…” She sat up, “lemme try” She closed her eyes and brought her hands together. Her brow furrowed in concentration and she bit down lightly on her lip.

There was a faint pop and something heavy fell into her lap. She blinked and held it up.

“rox…” Eridan gestured with his palm at the pumpkin in her hands. “wwhy?”

“ay it aint a cube rite?” She tossed it at his chest. “well give’t to the mayor or somethin”

“yeah but-”

“ok then fishboy wat do **u** think i should summon?” He thought about it for a second.

“…howw about ahabs-”

“EEEey!” She broke into a large grin. “imma summon some booze!”

“wwhat NO FUCK NO!” He made a cutting motion with his hand. “no booze!” She huffed and rolled her eyes.

“lol i was jokin seriously wwhat should i summon?”

 

000

 

“HEY! ERIDAN! ROXY!” Karkat yelled as he tromped up the stairs to the roof. “ARE YOU TWO UP HERE SHITTING YOURSELVES OR WASTING TIME IN SOME OTHER SIMILAR MANNER?” He heard a faint yelp followed by Eridan’s urgent voice.

“fuck rox put that awway”

“wat why?”

“just do it” There was some rustling, and when Karkat stepped out onto the roof he found the two of them sitting awkwardly amonst a pile of green cubes, pumpkins, and weird lumps of god-knows-what.

“uh” Eridan raised his hand in an awkward wave. “hey sup.” The other troll gave him an odd look, then shook his head.

“I AM SO SURE I WILL BE 100% HAPPIER IF I DON’T ASK. THE STRIDER WITH THE POINTY SHADES WANTS TO TELL US SOMETHING.”

 

000

 

“haha oh man.” Dave chuckled to himself as he rummaged through the fridge. “did you actually forget you had a sibling what an asshole like imagine how many birthdays you missed and shit.”

“it’s not my fault!” John huffed, leaned back against the table. “i was brainwashed!”

“yeah but still wow thats just fucking incredible man the school screwed us up so bad.”

“HeY MoThErFuCkErS.” Gamzee shuffled in, “kArKaT FoUnD AlL ThOsE OtHeR GuYs wE’Re aLl sEt tO Go.”

“cool!” John hopped up, “c’mon dave!”

“one sec.” He shoved some bottles of faygo aside. “im trying to find some aj theres gotta be some here right cmon damn this whole thing is fucking milk and faygo.”

“HeY BuDdY.” He felt something cold wind around him from behind and a long arm reached under his to grab a soda, revealing a bottle of apple juice. “tHaT WhAt yOu’rE LoOkInG FoR?”

“yo thanks” He snagged it and ducked under the door. He shoved it closed behind him as he slipped through the doorway, not noticing the muffled distressed honk behind him.

In the living room, the other humans and a few of the trolls had gathered around Dirk, who was sitting at the table with his laptop.

“whoa youre a fish again” Dave pointed at the Seadweller. “nice gills”

“thanks” He answered sarcastically, then crossed his arms and leaned down to peer at Dirk’s computer screen. “so wwhats this fin you brought us dowwn for.” The human smacked his palm against his cheek and shoved him away.

“Step back I’ll tell you.” He shook his hand out. “Damn why is your face so cold its like touching a dead fish.”

“He smells l8ke one too.”

“clam it vvris.”

“SHE3’S R1GHT THOUGH.”

“aw it’s a nice fishy smell liek tho liek sushi”

“et tu rox?”

“Anyways…” Dirk snapped his USB key into the port. “I got some files that might shed some light on all this.”

“wait” Roxy leaned forward on the table, “u mean u can figure out wat we r?”

“Hang on.” He leaned in a bit to stare at the screen.

“MAYBE IF YOU TOOK OFF THE STUPID SHADES YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO SHOVE YOUR NOSE TO AN INCH OF THE SCREEN.”

“whoa man.” Dave nudged Karkat with his elbow. “dont disrespect the shades.”

“YOUR OBSESSION WITH OPAQUE EYEWARE IS DISTURBING.”

“Guys! Come on!” Jane waved her hands to make them stop. “Forget the glasses! What’s it say, Dirk?”

“We don’t have parents.”

“What?” He leaned back to look at them.

“We don’t have parents.” He repeated, “Jane, Roxy, Jake, and I. We were created artificially by the school through some gene program.”

“…wut?”

“We were raised by the school. Our memories were adjusted along the way. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.” He gestured to Rose and Dave. “Later on we were given parental figures.”

“I see.” Rose pressed her fist to her chin, “Facinating, but I notice you neglected to mention the origins of the other half of us.”

“Yeah I’m working on it.” He opened up their files. “You guys are something similar, though it looks like you were made by combining the genes of two people, so technically, you **do** have parents. They…” He stopped talking abruptly. Jade leaned in.

“what is it? come on!”

“Oh God.” He jammed his fingers against his forehead and slumped over. “Son of a fuck.”

“damn br-uh dude youre killing us here.” Dave spun the laptop around so he could see. “oh shit youre my **dad**?” He leaned in closer, “rose is my **sister**?” He glanced at Roxy. “shes my **mom**!?”

“wat” She blinked rapidly, “im wat? wait u mean me and dirk-”

“HA!” Eridan slammed his palm down on the table and lunged forward to jab his finger at Dirk. “SEE DIRK YOU ALREADY HAD FUCKIN KIDS WWITH HER YOU CANT SAY YOU AINT MEANT TO BE.” The human gave him a well-practiced look of annoyance.

“We have literally gone over this like 50 times.”

“GENEALOGICAL EVVIDENCE you cant wworm outta this one. marry her thats wwhat you gotta do wwhen you have kids.”

“eeeeeriiiii…” Roxy looped her arm around his neck and yanked him back. “lets go somewhere else 4 awhile k?” She started to drag him for the doorway. He continued to scream and flail his arms at the Heart Student.

“STRIDER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY YOU DOUCHEBAG OR ELSE I SWWEAR TO COD-oww rox hey rox wwatch the gills ivve got gills on my neck noww you cant…”

“…right.” Dave glanced back down at the computer as the troll’s protests faded down the hall. “yo john your sister is your mom just saying and also apparently my dads boyfriend is your actual dad wait what does that make our relationship is that like a stepson once removed or what?” The Breath student gaped at him.

“are you serious?!”

“serious as that math teacher we had last year.” He turned the laptop toward him. “see?” Dirk snatched the computer and spun it back to face him.

“He’s right.” He massaged his eyes with one hand. “Jade too. She’s your sister.”

“CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT’S GOING ON?” Karkat slammed his fists down on the table. “FIRST OF ALL. WHAT THE FUCK IS A PARENT? AND WHAT THE BARF-SOAKED FUCK IS A SIBLING?” A plate of cake was set down by one of his fists, he glared at it. “OH YEAH.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the man behind him. “COULD SOMEONE ALSO PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS GUY?”

“hey yeah!” John pointed at him as well. “if i was made in a lab why do i have a dad?”

Dirk scratched his cheek, scrolling through the files. “Apparently you went missing in an accident, and were only discovered and recovered a couple years ago.”

All eyes fell on the adult holding the plate of cake. The man cocked his head to the side, then raised his finger to show he had a solution and put down the slice of pastry. He pulled out his wallet and brought out a large and well-worn card. He handed it to Jane and John, who smushed in close to read it.

 

_ DEAR SON AND DAUGHTER _

_ IF YOU ARE READING THIS NOTE IT MEANS YOU HAVE BOTH BECOME INDEPENDENT ENOUGH FOR ME TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH. THERE IS NO STORK WHICH DELIVERS NEWBORN CHILDREN. ON THAT NOTE YOU ARE ALSO BOTH ADOPTED. I FOUND YOU UNSUPERVISED AMONG THE WRECKAGE OF A CAR CRASH AND TOOK YOU IN TO RAISE YOU AS MY OWN. THERE WAS A SMALL CARD ON JANE DECLARING HER NAME, BUT JOHN I NAMED MYSELF. REGARDLESS OF THIS INFORMATION, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU BOTH AND HOW PROUD I AM. NOW, REGARDING THE TRUE METHOD OF REPRODUCTION- _

 

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” John threw the sheet up on the air. “YOU ADOPTED US?! when were you going to tell us THAT?!”

“Maybe…” Jane shrugged, “Maybe when we came back from school?”

“i don’t think i ever did that…”

“Yeah me neither…”

“Also.” Dirk held up a phone. “Jane, this is yours right? I found it out in the forest. You threw it so hard the battery fell out.”

“Heheh…oops…” He tossed it to her.

“I cleaned out the stuff the school had on it. You might want to look back on some chats. A few messages had been canceled. Namely some of the ones with your dad.”

“Oh…” She absentmindedly stared down at the screen. “Thanks…”

“WOW. OKAY.” Karkat got up. “I STILL DON’T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON BUT LET ME PITCH IN MY MOST SINCERE EFFORT TO BE FLIPPING MY SHIT OFF ALL THE HANDLES. OH GOD HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? CLEARLY WE DID NOT SEE ANY OF THIS COMING.” He tossed his hands up as he walked toward the kitchen. “THE SHOCK IS TOO MUCH. I NEED A DRINK. TAKE FIVE EVERYONE.”

“Rose” Kanaya prodded the girl next to her. “There Are Some Things I Am Unclear On As Well”

“Yes, this may take some further explanation and fact-sorting. It would seem-” An enraged yet baffled shriek overtook her words.

“GAMZEE WHAT THE *FUCK*?? PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE NOT SOMEHOW MANAGED TO WEDGE YOUR LANKY CORPSE INTO THE HUNGER TRUNK. ARE YOU ACTUALLY STUCK?? IN THE NAME OF BARFING BULGES ARE YOUR HORNS LEGITIMATELY JAMMED AGAINST THE ROOF?! HOW IN THE NOOKSTAIN OF GOD DID YOU MANAGE THIS?!”

“HoNk.”

“wow okay.” Dave edged toward the door. “thats my cue to get out see ya guys.” He disappeared as the sound of grunted obscenities, uncomfortable honks, and heavy clunking drifted out from the kitchen.

“Yeah, I think he’s gonna be gone more than five minutes.” Dirk turned his attention back to his computer. “You guys can go ahead and wander off. I’ll tell you if anything else comes up.”

“Very well.” Rose stood up and smacked at her skirt in a mock show of dusting off. “If you will excuse me, dear father, I wanted to show Kanaya something up in her room.” She started to lead the troll to the stairs. Dirk pointed at her.

“Hey.” They turned back to look at him.

“Yes?” His pointed finger flipped to a thumbs-down.

“ **Never** call me that again.” A small smirk flashed across her face.

“Noted.”

A loud crash echoed from the kitchen, followed by the loudest swearing yet.

“COULD SOMEONE *PLEASE* COME AND DRAG THIS UPTEENTH-DAMNED HUNGER TRUNK AND USELESS CLOWN OFF OF ME?!!”

“hOnK.”

 

000

 

“Rose” Kanaya leaned over the kneeling girl, attempting to peek over her shoulder. “What Is It You Wanted To Show Me”

“One moment. I had just finished it this morning, and hidden it for safekeeping.” She moved aside a pile of fabric. “It may seem a little odd, but bear with me.” She held up what appeared to be a (far too large) knitted hat. The troll examined it for several seconds.

“Is It A Hat With Extra Space To Accommodate My Horns” Her guess prompted a faint snicker from her companion as she lowered the bundle of yarn.

“No. Not quite. I suppose since your kind is raised by lusii, this would be hard to explain.” She folded it over her arm. “You see, when a human is expecting a child, there’s this peculiar tradition that involves knitting an article of clothing for when the newborn arrives. A handmaid gift to demonstrate the care and attention…” She led of, then sighed and held it out, dropping her head to hide the faint dusting of pink on her cheeks. “It’s for the Matriorb. It’s a knitted cozy for the Matriorb.” The troll gave her a blank look, then realization lit up her eyes.

“Oh” She accepted it, “I See I Think I Understand I” Her lips curved into a gentle smile. “Thank You Im Sure It Will Create Some Positive Affect”

“That is a dubious claim.” She returned the smile. “But you’re the expert.”

“Rose” Her fingers gathered around the knotted string. “Thank You Truly I Understand This Gesture Is More Than The Physical Object”

“Kanaya please.” She waved her hand and busied herself examining one of the tapestries hanging on the wall. “We wouldn’t want this to lead into some spiral of tearful drama, would we?”

“No Of Course Not” She felt cool arms wind around her shoulders. “But I Believe A Hug Is A Suitably Demure Method To Get The Feeling Across”

“…Well.” She returned the hug, enjoying the soft fabric of her shirt against her cheek. “I suppose it is.”

 

000

 

TT: Dirk, you might want to look at this.

TT: What?

 

The Heart student scanned through the files on his screen.

 

TT: Which one?

TT: This one.

 

Another document opened. It had been one of the ones Dirk had taken on a whim. He frowned.

 

TT: “Tier G?”

TT: It’s a program to advance choice students to a new level of their powers.

 

He scanned through the description and felt a deep sense of disturbance growing in the pit of his stomach.

 

TT: Damn. This is some fucked up shit.

TT: The students have to actually die?

TT: If the process works they come back.

TT: Though occasionally it doesn’t, even if they try and make sure they’re prepared.

TT: Fuck.

TT: Jane, Roxy, Jake. We were all slated for this. The other kids too.

TT: Looks like you missed your final project by getting out. I wonder how that’s going to affect your grade.

TT: Would you shut up?

 

“hey”

His head jerked up as Eridan walked in, looking somewhat like a squirted dog.

“im sorry i yelled at you about your sexuality” He grumbled, turning the phrase over with a mechanical tint.

“It’s cool.” He leaned back in his chair. “I know you haven’t meant it since October.”

“…it aint a bad reason” He grumbled, digging his hands into his pockets. “makes it feel like its nothin personal.”

“Uh,” He cocked an eyebrow at him, “Sure.”

“anywwavves” He glanced around the empty room. “wwhatd i miss?”

“Jane and Jake are the biological parents of John and Jade.” He flipped through the files again. “John and Jane got lost in an accident and their dad picked them up and adopted him.”

“alright” He shrugged, “so wwhats the plan?”

“We haven’ t decided.”

“oh come on strider” He leaned back against the wall. “you knoww damn wwell wwere gonna havve to trash that place.”

“We could just drop out. Get out of their radar.” He rolled his eyes.

“strider wwe both knoww that aint your fin. your style is to wreck any shit thats a problem. it aint bad its direct ill respect that.”

“Can I just…” He held his hand out at him. “Can I just mention how **scary** it is to be on the same wavelength as you in something like this?”

“wwhale **sorry.** ” He snorted and leaned off the wall. “fine ill leavve you to your plannin wwhich clearly wwont invvolvve takin this place dowwn bye.”

“Hang on.” He made a beckoning gesture to bring him back. “There’s some stuff I wanted to ask you about.” He turned back, wearing a grudgingly curious expression.

“wwhat?” His fingers drummed out a rapid beat on the tabletop.

“Did you mean it when you said you might kill Jake?” The Seadweller rolled his eyes, then sighed heavily.

“nah. i mean i hate him but id nevver reelly wwanna krill him or anyfin i wwas just frustrated as shell and couldnt deal wwith his shit at that moment.” He dug his hands into his pockets, then coughed faintly. “to be conchest i admire him a bit you knoww hes got potential and hes well liked. hell be able to go far if he can get his damn confidence back” He rubbed the back of his neck and his face screwed up briefly. “i aint jealous though i could still wwipe the floor wwith him”

“Wipe the floor with who now?” He spun around on his heel as Jake walked in, holding a bowl of chips. “Whos licking who?”

“you” He didn’t miss a beat, “just talkin about howw i could cream you”

“Right after praising him.” He whirled back to jab his finger at Dirk.

“ **you** be quiet”

“Whatever.” He closed his laptop. “I had something else to ask you about. You’re entirely Seadweller now?”

“uh” He glanced down at himself and lifted his arms a bit. “yeah wwhy?”

“And that’s…cool? You aren’t trying to kill us?”

“yes brilliant so wwhat?”

“You’re still alright with us? With Roxy?”

“wwhale **yeah** i mean…” He dragged another long sigh out of his lungs, “i livved as one for 10 months wwhen i started turnin back it wwas a bit hard for a little wwhile but im ovver it.” He dug his hands in his pockets, looking almost sheepish. “im pretty shore id rather stay friends wwith rox evven if it does mean i havve to givve up feelin that somefins beloww me it seems to be a happier existence anywwavves.”

Dirk crossed his arms, then gave a tiny nod. “Right.” He turned his head to call into the kitchen. “Hey Jane! We won the pool!”

“W8 what????????” Vriska swung herself into the doorframe. “Hang on, you’re planning on staying with these losers?!” Eridan gave her a blank look.

“wwhat? pool?” Jane poked her head in from the kitchen, wearing a wide grin.

“Suckers!”

“Ugh!” The Scorpio troll tossed her hair over her shoulder, “Rotten luck! You let me down, Dualscar.” Dirk slapped his hand down on the table.

“Pay up.” She huffed and brought a wad of money out of her sylladex. She counted out a large amount and tossed it on the table.

“ **excuse** me…” Eridan scowled at them. “wwhat just happened?”

“Vriska made a bet you’d ditch Roxy when you turned fully into a Seadweller.” The Heart student swept the money off the table and started counting it out.

“you…” He sputtered, “you **bet** on me and rox?!”

“Hey,” He handed a share to Jane and Jake. “Seemed like some easy cash. Anyone seen that 3D kid? He owes us too.”

“Damnit.” Vriska groaned and smacked her forehead. “Who would have thought 8etting against Eridan 8eing a8le to keep a quadrant was a 8ad idea?”

“ok first a all:” He held up one finger, the middle finger. “fuck you. second a all:” He flipped her off again. “wwe aint **in** a quadrant” She rolled her eyes.

“Uh yeah. SUUUUUUUURE.”

“oh my cod i hate you all”

“You want a cut?”

“no i dont wwant a cut!”

“Come on mr eridan!” Jake grinned and raised his finger. “Think of it as our total faith in you!” Eridan glared at him, then his eyes flickered to the side. He pulled a book out of his syllade and hurled it at the boy, but it was way off and passed by on his left. Either way he squeaked and jumped away.

“Are you trying to clobber them again?! They just finally came back!”

“a course i am keep those hallucinations awway from me! did they tell you to bet on me?”

“Maybe?” He raised another, larger book over his head. The other Hope student yelped and fled the room.

“cod” He lowered the projectile, “wwhale as long as they stay wwith **him** its fine”

“Right.” Dirk sat down again, “He said his angels came back.”

“a course they did they aint stayin off his hopeful ass for long”

“Do I want to…” He made a spinning motion with his finger. “Ask about your feelings on him?”

“clam the fuck dowwn strider im not floatin **near** your quadrant” He nudged Jane. “by the wwavve did you three get all that shit sorted out?”

“I…think so?” Jane sighed heavily, “We talked about it a bit. It was pretty awkward, but it’s probably best that he knows now.”

“hey cheer up” He ruffled her hair, “least youre still fronds. there are other fish in the sea alright?” She rolled her eyes.

“Right.”

“im serious one day a knight in shinin armor is gonna come swweep ya off your feet and be ten times more suavve than that bastard.”

“hey” One of the doors swung open and Dave poked his head in, “you guys seen johns hot mom?” They all turned to stare at him. Jane blinked slowly, then went beet red.

“oh…jesus christ.” He swallowed, “i meant johns mom. just johns mom. shit.” He ducked his head, “bro just saw that too wow. im not rebounding from this. im just gonna…” He backed out and closed the door.

“…ok so” Eridan gestured to the closed door, “suavve might not be the exact phrase but you get wwhat i mean.” She drew a cooking spoon out of her sylladex and smacked him on the head.

 

000

 

“hey.” Rose looked up from her computer as Dave ambled over to her. “you busy with your girlfriend?”

“Do you see her here?” She gestured to the empty roof around her.

“no but you could have been chatting with her on your computer or something.” He sat down beside her, “so if you arent typing out sweet nothings to your troll lover what are you doing?”

“I’m logging the recent events.” Her fingers flew over the keyboard. “I assume once this is over people will want some sort of history reference. Let’s see…“My recently discovered brother joins me on the roof. He appears to want to discuss something. Or perhaps he is trying to avoid an embarrassing situation.” Is that about right?”

“whoa hey whats this about an embarrassing situation im not gonna get into any stupid situations.”

“Dear Lord, what did you do?”

“nothing i just wanted to talk to you.”

“About?”

“sibling stuff” He rubbed his head, “like i guess were siblings now so we have to do all that brother sister chatting stuff and crap like oh hows your girlfriend you tap that yet?”

“Dave do you really thing that’s what siblings ask each other? Did you ask your brother that?”

“hell no he was thirty or something i just assumed but never thought about it” He smacked his palms over his temples. “jesus fuck why the hell did you make me think of that?!”

“You brought it up first.” She made a small humming noise and returned to tapping on her computer. “Could it be…the realization that we’re siblings has caused you to be suddenly aware of a certain incestuous barrier between us, so you are rapidly trying to shore up this barrier and dive deep into the role of brother to flee from any taboo thoughts you had in the past?”

“oh my god”

“If I recall, you also refered to our mutual mother as “hot.” Hmmmmm…”

“whoa whoa that doesnt count. if i didnt know it doesnt count.”

“I see. So…do you **still** find her hot?”

“can we **not** discuss whose moms i find hot? can this **not** become one of your weird psychology sessions? ill give you half my dessert for a week or something and i wont tell mom you were writing wizard fanfiction in history class.”

“Dave.” Rose closed her computer, “If you would bother to examine our relationship, I think you would find siblings have been the closest thing to define us for a long time now.”

“what really?”

“Yes really. From the very first moment we met when you squirted ketchup on my dress in kindergarten.” She paused, “Assuming that actually happened.”

“oh hell yes.” He grinned, “you didnt even tell the teacher you just started waving your pencil at me and cursing my soul or whatever.”

“Yes, then I threw my pudding cup at you. We introduced ourselves in the time-out corner.”

“wow yeah” He fell into a round of chuckles and leaned back on his hands. “man shit was so simple then. remember nap time?”

“Yes. The nap that occurred at the end of the day. Do you recall what happened after that?” His smile vanished.

“no”

“Neither do I.”

They sat in silence for awhile. Dave tipped his head backward to stare at the sky.

“rose this is fucked up like what are we even gonna do about this?”

“Good question. I have heard whispers of taking down the school.”

“well yeah i mean that seems like a good plan its that obvious thing we have to do but besides that. were a bunch of messed up kids is the government gonna come for us are we gonna get put up in orphanages?”

“No…” She closed her eyes, “No I don’t think we will.”

“how do you know?”

“I have my ways.” She traced the light symbol over her laptop. “It will be difficult but I believe a solution can be made, when the time comes.”

“ok great that wasnt cryptic as fuck.”

“Come Dave. Have faith in your dear sister.”

 

000

 

“ALRIGHT THEN.” Karkat spread a large sheet of paper over the table. “VRISKA. WHAT DO YOU FRIENDS SAY ABOUT THE SITUATION IN THE SCHOOL?” She rolled her eyes and checked her phone.

“Says it’s a l8ckdown. They’re all stuck inside their dorms with the curtains closed and not allowed to leave.”

“GOOD FOR THEM.” John came in from the kitchen, holding a plate of cookies.

“guys jane, dad, and i made some more cookies! what are you doing?”

“QUIET JOHN. THIS IS A HIGHLY IMPORTANT PLANNING SESSION.” He scribbled out some boxes on the paper. “SINCE IT’S PRETTY OBVIOUS THIS SO-CALLED EDUCATION CENTER IS NEVER GOING TO GET OUT OF OUR CLEARLY DESIGNATED PERSONAL SPACE, THE DECISION HAS BEEN MADE TO WRECK IT.”

“oh cool!” He pointed at the drawings. “what’s that?”

“THE SCHOOL, OBVIOUSLY. AND THESE ARE THE DORMS.”

“there are twelve dorms. they go around in a circle.”

“THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT.”

“He’s right though.” Dirk pointed at the cluster of boxes off to the side, “They go all around the school. That’s going be an issue in deciding where to enter and approach.”

“OKAY FINE!” He hurled the pencil at Dirk. “YOU MAKE THE SHITTY DIAGRAM!”

“Cool.” He flipped the paper over and started sketching out some more squares.

“so…” John sat down beside them, “what’s the plan?”

“WE’RE WORKING ON THAT.”

“O8viously the 8est idea would be to spread out so those stupid droid things don’t outnum8er us too much.”

“GREAT EXCEPT WHAT WOULD THAT GET US? WE CAN’T HAVE OUR OBJECTIVE BE “DESTROY ALL THE DROIDS.” THEY MUST HAVE HUNDREDS OF THEM!”

“I have a plan.” Dirk tapped the center building. “All I need you to do is get the attention of as many droids as possible. Try and keep them away from the main building.” Karkat gave him a curious look.

“WHY? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?”

“I’m going to find the principal.” He started drawing circles in the map. “It would be best to try for here, here, and here. This is the nurses station. They have supplies here that would help. Do any of you guys know first aid?”

“UH.”

“Well Feferi used to volunteer there. She and Jane can show you the way and they’ll know what to do with it. The martial arts club has their weapons in the basement down here…”

“HEY, SLOW DOWN. WHO ARE YOU TAKING TO SEE THE PRINCIPAL?”

“Just me.”

“BAD IDEA!” He made a cutting motion with his hand. “I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S UP WITH THAT GUY, BUT HE ISN’T YOUR AVERAGE ELDERLY HUMAN. YOU’RE GOING TO NEED BACK UP IF YOU’RE GOING TO TAKE HIM ON.”

“It’s fine.” He drummed the eraser end against the paper. “I have a plan, but I have to go alone.”

“THEN IT’S A SHITTY PLAN.”

“Dude, trust me on this.”

“HOW ABOUT YOU FILL US IN ON THE DETAILS?”

“I’ve got a secret weapon.”

“OKAY…?”

“Look…” He tapped his glasses back into place. “No offense but…”

“give’t up” Roxy slumped down on the table, “this is dirks thing he lieks to be a secretive and stuff.”

“YOU MEAN HE LIKES TO BE AN IDIOT.”

“Ok fine.” Dirk slapped both his hands down on the table. “You can come, but you have to follow along with what I’m doing and not get involved unless it is **bitingly** obvious I’m about to die.”

“FINE. I’LL WAIT UNTIL YOUR WEIRD HEROIC NOTIONS FAIL AND I HAVE TO BAIL YOU OUT.”

“Sure, deal.”

 

000

 

John sat with his back to the wall, holding his pendant so it swung back and forth a few inches from his face. He pondered the spirograph printed on the white disc, then cupped it to his hand.

“uh…hey davesprite? can you hear me?” The necklace hummed back a few seconds later.

_“whats up are you breaking out”_

“we did actually! me, rose, jade, and other you! also these other kids. you won’t believe this thing we found out about our parents! well their parents mostly. anyways though, tomorrow we’re going to try and beat the school, so i was wondering if you could help.” There was a long pause. “hello?”

_“tomorrow i dont know im still looking”_

“what? you haven’t found that thing yet?”

_“ok one its not a thing its a she two yes im still looking because i have no leads whatsoever but i think shes still in this forest if i havent found her by tomorrow morning ill come back to lend a hand ok”_

“ok great! good luck with uh, her.”

_“thanks”_

“JOHN!” He paused in tucking the necklace back under his shirt to look up.

“over here!” Karkat stomped into the room.

“WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR GUARDIAN GOING TO SLEEP?”

“oh yeah about that.” He got up. “would it be alright if the three of us slept down in the living room together?”

“WHAT?” He gave him a suspicious look, “DID MY SNORING KEEP YOU UP?”

“haha no! well yes, but that’s not the point.” He dug his hands in his pockets and gave an awkward grin, “its just we haven’t been together in ages and well…”

“YEAH FORGET IT.” He shoved his hand in his face to stop him, “I HALF GET IT AND THAT’S ENOUGH FOR ME. BUT YOU’RE THE ONE DRAGGING THE CUSHIONS DOWN THERE.” His grin widened.

“no problem!”

 

000

 

“hey strider twwo!” Eridan walked through the forest, glancing around between the trees. “davve are you out here? kars tryin to get us all in for the night and hes wwonderin if you got caught by some drones. hey asshole if youre here answwer.” A bit of movement caught his eye. He hopped over a bush and swung around a tree before stopping dead. “wwhat the shell?” Dave looked up, then back down at what appeared to be his own dead body, which he was presently dragging away deeper into the forest.

“shit” He dropped the corpse and stood up straight to make some jerky calming gesture with his hands. “ok i know this looks bad like really hugely bad but calm down a second first of all yeah this is me yeah hes dead its honestly pretty creepy but anyways dont freak out especially dont make some sort of tiny high pitched scream or some shit like that because haha come on who would do that?” He coughed, “so yeah but im still dave like im real this isnt some weird movie with shapeshifters i guess its a time travel thing and he fucked up like i dunno messed with the timeline too much and doomed himself im not really sure what he did to get that hole in his chest im still figuring out the whole time thing and this is totally out of the blue and really weird but do you know how to hide a body? ok yeah that’s a really weird question isnt it-”

“yes.”

“yeah i thought so anyways dont mention this to anyone ok they might freak out and if you like see any other dead mes just-”

“no.” He pointed at the body. “yes i knoww howw to hide a body.”

“uh” His eyebrows went up a little. “oh ok.”

“first a all” He walked over and grabbed it by the ankles, “wwater you a moron dont havve it dragging a trail the wwhole wway cant you put it in your sylladex or somefin”

“it didnt occur to me to be shoving my own dead corpse into my sylladex.”

“wwhatevver” He jerked at him with his elbow to signal he pick up the other side. “we dont havve some giant monster but i think theres a ditch ovver that wway wwe can bury him in.”

“wow youre cool with this.”

“move it” He shoved him forward to make him start walking. “i dont wwant to run into fef or someone and havve to explain this.”

“right cool” They started to shuffle down through the trees. Dave glanced down at the dead him, then quickly looked over his shoulder to watch their progress. After awhile he started humming faintly, until Eridan raised his head to stare at him.

“are you hummin wwhat i think you are?”

“will you help me hide a bodyyy” He muttered.

“strider i swwear keep it up and ill be diggin twwo graves”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be silly Dave. Eridan couldn't care less if you're the real one or an imposter sent to murder him and take his place.  
> Dave is humming the "Do you wanna build a snowman" Parody. ^^0
> 
> Gamzee isn't entirely stuck in the fridge. He's most kinda bent over with his horns jammed at the top. They got him out don't worry.
> 
> Yes I added the betting thing. It was an idea from a fan (Mistystarshine) and I couldn't resist. (--;) Unlike Eridan, Roxy's gonna demand a cut.
> 
> On that note, the way things are going it kinda lines up with the actual homestuck plot. Right now we just finished the planning session. And next week will (hopefully) have some action.
> 
> "References to Eridan's Death" Count: 9


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which people are armed, awkward discussions are made, and Dirk goes and does his own thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternately: "In which I mirror the events of Kanaya: Return to Core and see if I know where to stop."
> 
> Awww Eridan is so happy when he's handed a weapon of mass destruction.
> 
> The preparation phase of this chapter is basically me pointing out ways in which Eridan's experience at the school changed him. Basically he got more laid back and huggy apparently.

 

“ok!” Jade dumped a pile of firearms onto the table, “here’s what ive got!”

“Goodly gracious!” Jake picked up some spare magazines for his pistols. “This is quite the arsenal grandma!” She giggled and took a small rifle.

“i just grabbed as much as i could carry!” She glanced around, “has anyone seen eridan and roxy? they’ll need some extra ammo…”

“GOOD TO KNOW WE’VE GOT THE TRIGGER-HAPPY MORONS ALL SET.” Karkat turned to the two Striders. “WHAT ABOUT YOU?”

“im set.” Dave held up a sword, “i grabbed this from the training room awhile back its just a training sword and dull as hell but at least its metal.”

“I’ve got this.” Dirk drew his katana out of his strife specibus. “It’s metal, sharp, and unbreakable.”

“fuck his is bigger.” He glanced at over at his brother/son.

“What?”

“what whats up i didnt say anything.”

“Here.” He tossed him a sharpening stone. “Jane?”

“I still have this!” She held up the red trident. John hefted his sledgehammer.

“i think this will work.”

“heyo!” Roxy bounced in, followed by Eridan. “look wat **we** got fixed!” She shoved a repaired Ahab’s Crosshairs up above her head and imitated the Zelda treasure chest tune. Karkat gave her a doubtful look.

“HOW DID YOU DO THAT? IT WAS CLEAVED IN TWO!”

“superglue fire and some a tha sweaty dudes robo parts!”

“D--> What”

“dun worry ill find u some new ones” Karkat noticed Eridan holding a plain rifle for himself.

“SO SHE’S TAKING THE PSYCHO LIGHTNING GUN?” He shrugged.

“yeah shes the one wwho fixed it sides ill feel better knowwin shes got somefin like that by her side.” He frowned at the weird look the other troll was giving him. “wwhat”

“NOTHING.”

“wwhale fine” He tapped his weapon. “do wwe havve any extra magazines” He cocked an eyebrow at the pile of firearm supplies on the table. “damn harley wwhered you get those?”

“i raided the gun shed!” She groaned at the memory, “the school law brigade was already there dealing with **your** break in!”

“oh man” He snagged a few magazines, “that must havve been fun hey did he covver the wwhole place in police tape again?”

“ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THAT ANNOYING SKATEBOARDING GIRL AND HER BOYFRIEND?”

“no” He clicked one of the ammo-sets into his rifle, “theres this one asshole wwho wwas so obsessed wwith laww and shit the school finally cavved and made this wwhole neww job for him noww hes in charge of parkin tickets and invvestigatin vvandalism.”

“hes pretty funny tbh”

“hes funny until you take a nap in an unauthorized zone and wwake up covvered in yelloww tape wwith a ticket stuck to your forehead.” He aimed his gun at the wall and peered down the barrel. “still cant say i wwouldnt rather havve somefin wwith a bit more kick than this.”

“I May Have A Remedy For That” He lowered the weapon and turned around as Kanaya came up to him.

“wwhat?”

“Rose And I Have Been Experimenting With A New Form Of Weaponry” She drew a long thick wand out of her sylladex. “I Believe This Would Suit You Best” He scowled at it.

“is this a joke?”

“Oh No” She gave him a sweet smile, “This Wand Has Been Augmented With Some Very Powerful Technology It Is Certainly Not A Toy But Rather A Highly Dangerous Weapon” His look remained skeptical but he took it.

“dangerous huh” He twirled it around a bit, “stronger than ahabs crosshairs?”

“Oh Yes” She clasped her hands together, “Far Stronger Than Ahabs Crosshairs”

“thats a pretty damn big claim kan”

“Please” She gestured to it. “Try Pressing The Button On The Side” He pressed his thumb over it as she instructed. The wand came to life with a bright glow and faint humming noise.

“Good” She nodded, “Now Be Very Careful-” He pointed it at the wall and flicked his wrist. A stream of white light burst from the tip and shot forward, blasting right through the heavy concrete and triggering a yelp of surprise from the next room.

“what the fuck wa2 that!?”

“OH MY GLUB T)(AT N---EARLY )(IT M—E!”

“HOLY SHIT.” Karkat squatted down to peer through the hole. The shot had gone on to smash the far wall to outside. He turned back to look at Eridan. The Seadweller remained frozen in his stance, staring ahead with a mix of wonder and shock. Then slowly his expression changed to one of pure glee and excitement as he brought the wand up to his face to examine it. He bounced around to face Kanaya.

“this fin is flippin **awesome**!” She offered him a pleased, if somewhat startled smile.

“I Hope It Will Aid You In The Battle To Come”

“oh it wwill.” He leaped forward and captured her into a hug, “kan reelly thanks so much i owwe ya a thousand.” He spun away from the ruffled troll and raised the weapon into the air, causing a few of the others to step back. “rox cmon lets go practice!”

“lol k” He ran out of the room with his friend trailing behind him.

“UH…” Karkat turned around and jerked his thumb over his shoulder after them. “AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES WHAT A POTENTIALLY HUGE PILE OF REEKING SHIT ON THE WHIRLING DEVICE THIS COULD CAUSE?” Kanaya folded her arms behind her.

“Im Sure It Will Be Alright”

“wow the dude looked like a kid on christmas who got the exact toy he asked for sitting right there in his pajama-clad lap” Dave pressed his fist to his chin, then seemed to study the position of the hole. “oh wait” He tilted to the side to stare through it, “blew the wall out right there then…wow ok mystery solved.”

“WHAT?”

“nothing man.”

“Christmas. Sure.” Dirk knelt down to examine the damage as well, “If that kid had asked for a grenade launcher.” He looked up at the Jade troll, “Hey, can I see the blueprints for that thing? Is it possible to whip up some more?”

“It Will Be Difficult To Provide The Requested Plans But Obtaining More Would Certainly Be Possible” Her eyes slid off to the side. “Though I Should Warn You The Effect Will Not Be The Same For Anyone Besides Him” Karkat’s eyes narrowed with suspicion.

“NOT THE SAME?”

“As In There Will Be No Effect”

“YOU MEAN…” He held out his hands. “UNLESS HE’S USING IT, IT’S JUST-”

“A Toy” She held up a small label and squinted at the label, “To Be Exact It Would Be A “Harry Potter Light Up Wand With Buzzing Action” Plus Some Batteries Which I Borrowed From Rose Since They Were Not Included” She tossed the label into a nearby trash bin. “Nothing More”

“EXCUSE ME??” He jabbed his finger at the hole, “IF ALL YOU GAVE HIM WAS SOME WRIGGLER TOY HOW THE HELL DID IT MANAGE TO DO THAT?!” She gave him a calm look and pressed her finger to her lips.

“It Can Do That Precisely Because He Believes It Can Therefore Please Refrain From Telling Him Otherwise”

“Jesus Christ.” Dirk ran a hand through his hair, “He can do shit like that as long as he believes in it?”

“I Was Unsure That It Would Work But Apparently So” A tiny smile tugged at her lips, “His Cynicism May Hamper His Abilities But At The Very Least He Is Gullible”

“Interesting.” Rose held up two slender steel knitting needles. “I wonder if I could create something to a similar effect.” Kanaya pursed her lips.

“Rose I Said Before-”

“Oh not to worry, Kanaya.” She flashed her a quick smirk. “Unlike him, I believe in magic.”

 

000

 

“ERIDAN?” Karkat poked his head into the living room. “HEY DOUCHEBAG WHERE ARE YOU?”

“in the kitchen kar.” He followed the voice to find the other leaning against the counter eating a cookie. He had changed into his regular outfit, minus the scarf and cape.

“ARE YOU ACTUALLY JUST STANDING HERE INGESTING BAKED GOODS IN THE LAST FEW MOMENTS BEFORE THE BATTLE?”

“actshelly im wwaitin for rox she wwent upstairs to get somefin and wwhale jane makes some glubbin awwesome cookies” He shrugged, “are wwe goin?”

“IN A FEW MINUTES. UH…” He tested the fridge door, just to make sure Equius hadn’t broken it while righting it earlier. “I WANTED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.”He cocked his brow at him.

“alright”

“DO YOU HAVE LIKE, SOME SORT OF CONCRETE PLAN FOR THE AFTERMATH OF ALL THIS?”

“college i guess.”

“WHAT?”

“it was a joke.” He dusted the crumbs off his shirt. “not reelly i think rox and some a the others wwanna stick around and help all the other students.”

“THEN WHAT?”

“they might tag along wwith jane to wwashington as a startin point. this place aint built for 8 more kids.”

“ARE YOU GOING WITH THEM?”

“yeah wwhat else am i gonna do?”

“STAY HERE YOU THICK FUCKPAIL.” He pointed at the ceiling. “YOU HAVE A DAMN ROOM.”

“yeah”

“SO…?”

“wwhale…” He shuffled a bit and shrugged, “i dunno kar.” He swiped at some imaginary crumbs on his cheek. i mean if rox goes…”

“SHE CAN STAY HERE. FROM THE WAY THINGS ARE WITH ROSE AND KANAYA THE OTHER LALONDE IS PROBABLY GOING TO AS WELL SO WHY NOT?”

“kar its not…” He made some vague gesture with his hand. “wwe dont havve a plan reelly ok? i dont knoww howw this is gonna go i only knoww wwere gonna go wwreck the place for some vvarious reasons.”

“VARIOUS REASONS.”

“wwhale yeah.” He gave him a long hard stare.

“I MARVEL AT, PITY, AND ENVY YOUR SENSE OF SIMPLICITY IN MANNERS CONCERNING DESTRUCTION.”

“wwoww thanks?” He scowled and dug his hands into his pockets. “i cod list em i guess but that usually gets me the “these are shitty reasons” tirade and wwhale fuckit rox says its ok.”

“OKAY YOU’RE RIGHT.” He raised his hands and took a step back. “FORGET IT. WE’RE GETTING SIDE TRACKED BY SOMETHING WE ARE ACTUALLY ALL IN AGREEMENT OF FOR ONCE. I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT YOU ACTUALLY *DON’T* HAVE TO GO RUNNING OFF TO WASHINGTON OR WHEREVER YOU END UP STICKING YOUR BULGE? LIKE, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO THEN FINE BUT IT’S NOT AN ONLY OPTION HERE.” He didn’t answer. “WELL?”

“alright” He nodded. “alright i get it.” He nudged himself off the counter. “…thanks.”

“yoooooo!” Roxy slid into the kitchen, a dark violet cape flying out behind her. “here i am!”

“ARE YOU SERIOUS?” He pointed at the cloth. “THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?”

“totes” She tossed the back over Eridan’s head. “eri said he wasnt gunna soooo…” He ripped the fabric off his horns and scowled at her.

“yeah cause its gonna get in the wway.”

“nah” She spun around a bit. “cmon it looks kewl if it gets too bad ill throww it into my sylladex”

“wwhatevver i better not havve to untangle you from a bush or somefin”

“lol deal” She gave a sly grin. “what were you talkin bout?” She nudged Eridan’s arm and winked. “was i interruptin?” He glanced at Karkat.

“wwait wwere wwe?”

“NOT IN THE DARKEST PITS OF HELL.”

 

000

 

“hey man.” Eridan looked up as Dave strolled up to him, sharpened sword held over one shoulder. “sup?”

“wwhat do you havve another body you need to hide?” He smirked.

“nah dude just wanted to thank you and shit for the help.”

“wwith the body?”

“nah not just that.” He made some “ehh” gesture with his hand. “see ive been checking out my powers a ton and hopping around these past few days and its been fun as hell but yknow.” He chuckled and shrugged. “the funny thing is eventually i realized the best thing to do with time travel is not to use it like thats the big lesson i learned from all this time jumping is just i guess i have some responsibility to protect the timeflow or something.”

“strider this is reelly facinatin as shell but” He held his hands out, “wwhat the fuck does it have to do with me?”

“chill man im getting to that.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “can you do me a **huge** favor go head over there.”

“wwhat?” He fixed him with an incredulous stare. “strider wwere about to **go-** ”

“i know i know itll only take a second.” He hopped on past him, “trust me ill see you later ok good luck with the battle.” Before he could think of a retort the other was gone.

“fuckin cryptic as fuck striders” He growled and stomped off in the indicated direction. “cant believve hes got roxys genes in hi-wwhat”

“oh shit” Dave jumped a bit, nearly dropping his sword. “oh hey man.”

“…oh my cod…” Eridan slowly raised his hands in a kind of clenching motion, “i just…i just want to strangle you all.”

“whoa dude chill is the big fight getting you nervous? thats cool i mean” He gave an awkward one-shoulder shrug, “this is all still crazy as hell right im actually not quite sure im all ready for this you get what i mean?”

“no.”

“i mean i know whats about to happen were all gonna go crash in and start kicking robot ass ok alright that seems cool but at the same time im still kinda like whoa ok hang on here this is pretty crazy not sure im gonna be able to jump into this and like” He shrugged again. “i dunno man its all getting really damn epic like a movie and shit and im not cut out for this. im not cut out to be this big hero guy.”

“not a hero huh?” He scowled at him and gestured to himself. “wwhat you think i am?”

“nah man youre more like” He gave him a quick look-over. “if harry potter went to the dark side before it was cool.”

“oh cod” He smacked his hand over his face. “do i reelly havve to do this wwhy me?”

“huh?”

“ok fine you knoww wwhat you should do?” He jabbed his finger at him. “aint you a fuckin time student go do a timey fin.”

“what?”

“if you need some more time take it. do…” He waved his hand and rolled his eyes. “do some time shit and basically bother the crap out of us in the past. howws that?”

“you basically think i should fuck with time”

“yeah do that.”

“is that like safe?”

“aww is strider jr scared that life doesnt havve a sea-belt?”

“dude hey.” He sighed. “ok fine if some alien in a fez can do it in a phone booth it cant be too hard.”

“ok you fucker dont disrespect the doctor plus wwere on the next reincarnation.”

“sure whatever.” He glanced down at himself, “might as well just once or twice. maybe i can figure out what caused that hole in the wall. so what do i just…pop?”He wiggled his fingers, “ok how about a record time is a record and it keeps spinning so if i just…” He imitated scratching a record backwards. Everything went fuzzy for a second. Eridan blinked, then found himself alone.

“…wwelp.” He turned around to go meet with the others. “its past mes problem noww.”

 

000 

 

CG: ALRIGHT ALL YOU DOUCHEWORMS. IS EVERYONE IN POSITION?

TT: Hey we’re ready.

TG: yo me eri and rosy r 2

GA: I Am Prepared As Well

CG: KANAYA YOU’RE RIGHT NEXT TO ME I KNEW THAT.

AT: aRADIA, mE, aND, uHH, jAKE, aRE ALSO ALL SET,

AT: tHAT’S, uHH, yOUR NAME, rIGHT,

GT: Yes you got my nomer quite right.

CG: IF HE’S WITH YOU WHY ASK ON THE DAMN CHAT?

GG: john jane and i are ready! :B

CT: D--> Nepeta and I are ready

CC: UMMM Sollux and I are )(ere but Vriska isn’t! 38/

CG: VRISKA!!!!

AG: Hey chill I just picked out a better spot to go in.

CG: GET BACK TO YOUR *ASSIGNED* ATTACK POINT.

AG: Pfff yeah right I’m o8viously being a third wheel anyways.

CG: WE ARE GOING TO BE STORMING THIS SHIT IN 2 SECONDS!

AG: Yeah yeah.

AG: Why are Tavros and the wimpy human even on this mission?

AG: You know they’re 8asically useless right?

AT: tHAT IS, uHH, aCTUALLY NOT TRUE,

AT: wE HAVE A, uHH, vERY IMPORTANT MISSION,

AG: Oh suuuuuuuure.

 

“haha oh man” Dave perched up on a sizable tree-branch as he scrolled through the chat log, “this is hilarious.”

“As long as they’re ready in time.” Dirk grunted, peering through the leaves. “You all set?”

“oh yeah brad totally.” He glanced over his shoulder at him.

“Brad?”

“fuck i mean dad i mean bro no dark birk DIRK” He shoved his thumb up. “dirk right everything is cool im so ready to trash some robot ass.”

“…Right. So…troll girl. Terezi, right?”

“TH4T 1S CORR3CT.”

“Mind stepping off a bit?” He patted her shoulder a bit in an attempt to get her out of his personal space. “Are you…trying to smell me?”

“NO.”

“I’m pretty sure you are.”

“4M NOT! DUMB4SS!”

“tz cmon.”

“Hey.” He shoved her away with one hand and pointed with the other. “Time to go. Here he comes.”

The guard at the gate looked up as an adult man strode purposefully up to the gate. He looked like he came right out a business meeting, with a dress shirt and tie.

“Can I help you?” He held out two papers. He took them and peered at the title. They were two student transfer forms. It was…well it was the first time he had ever seen any. He didn’t even realize they had them.

“Um, sir. We’re having a slight emergency right now. I’m afraid we can’t…” He crossed his arms and started tapping his foot impatiently. The other resisted pulling his face into a grimace and pulled out his phone, dialing for security.

“Hello?” His mouth went dry.

“Dr. Scratch. I was trying to call-”

“Yes, I know. I take it the man at the door wants to transfer his two children out.”

“But surely he doesn’t actually-”

“He actually does have custody over them. We’ve been trying to assassinate him for years and make it look like an accident.”

“So-”

“I suppose we’ll have to let him in. Escort him to the third conference room. There are no windows in it.”

“Yes sir.” He put the phone away. “Okay sir. Please follow me.” He turned and opened the gate enough for him to enter. The man immediately leapt forward and kicked the door so it swung wide open, then threw something at the ground. In half a second the whole area was covered in smoke.

“NOW!” Karkat leapt out from behind a hot dog stand and pointed with his sickle. “ATTACK!”

“Woo-hoo!” Vriska leapt out of a third-story building onto the wall, then hopped down.

“Shit!” The guard gagged on the fake smoke, then pulled out a walkie-talkie.

“Pardon us my good sir!” Jake charged through the gate, pushing Tavros with him. Aradia flew above them.

Karkat leapt up some discarded boxes and managed to get up to the wall. Dirk landed beside him.

“Check it out.” He pointed with his sword up at the main build. Large clouds of droids were flowing out from the roof and walls. “Looks like they’re serious.”

“RIGHT.” He adjusted his grip on his sickle. Across the lawn he could see other groups vaulting over the walls. Three streams of light, two pure white and one blue lighting, shot up to smash into the mass of droids. He heard the sound of gunfire and a heavy gust of wind hit him.

The battle had begun.

 

000

 

The chilling screech of metal on metal hit the air as Kanaya dragged her chainsaw through one of the droids. It made some weak attempt to grab at her before tumbling to the ground. Another landed in front of it, only to get a blast of white light in the face. She turned around to find Rose, holding her smoking needles with a smug grin. The troll gave a faint smile and nodded to her.

“Thank You” She responded with a deep bow.

“My pleasure.”

“HEY.” Karkat pointed at her with his sickle, which was already coated with black oil. “AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ROXY AND ERIDAN?”

“It’s hard to stay together given the present chaos.” She turned around as a crowd of several more dropped down. “Oh dear.” They held out their arms, and the claws spun backwards to be replaced with long thin blades.

“UH…” He backed up a step. “WHAT’S THAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?”

“If I Had To Hazard A Hypothesis” Kanaya raised her chainsaw, “They Have Officially Decided To Risk A Few Fatalities” Rose settled back into a fighting stance, wearing a grim frown.

“This could be an iss-”

*PHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET*

“AUGH!” Karkat slammed his palms over his ears, nearly stabbing himself in the process. “WHAT THE *FUCK*-”

“yo h34ds up los3rz!!” A familiar girl in red shades sprung up behind one of the robots on her skateboard, then slammed the metal spokes down on its head. “woot! S3RV3D!”

“OH GOD. GOD NO.” The Cancer troll backed up a step, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HE-”

“Excuse me.” A loud roar made him jump aside as a young woman swept by him, holding a large chainsaw similar to Kanaya’s. She swung the weapon into another droid, slicing off its legs.

“h3y troll dud3!” Latula landed by Karkat, “n33d a h4nd?” He gave her a suspicious look.

“WHY ARE YOU HELPING US? AREN’T YOU WITH THE SCHOOL?”

“h3y 1’m h3r3 to prot3ct th3 stud3nts!” She grinned and ruffled his hair. “4nd 1’m not gonn4 h3lp th4 m4n 1f h3’s down w1th br41nw4sh1ng m3 4nd turn1ng m3 hum4n!”Rose sidestepped toward them, shooting light as she went.

“So are you too also a troll?”

“sure am s1st3r!” She grinned, “f1gur3d 1t out th4nks to my buddy.”

“DON’T TELL ME-” He winced as another ear-splitting whistle pierced the air. He turned around to find a certain student in a red sweater a few yards away. He appeared to be directing a crowd of kids toward the front gate. “WHAT NOOK-STAINED USELESS ACTION IS HE UP TO?”

“He’s helping evacuate the students!” Aranea joined them, grinning cheerfully. “We were worried they weren’t safe in their dorms. I 8elieve one of your friends already accidently threw a droid through the Void 8uilding.”

“THEY SEEM PRETTY CALM DESPITE THE FUCKING WAR GOING AROUND.”

“Well…” She offered a bashful smile, “I may 8e playing a part in that.”

“WHAT?”

“To get them out I may have had to provide a little…” She tapped her temple, “…push, I suppose. It seems I’m a8le to manipulate the minds of some, to an extent. This is a 8it of an invasion, I suppose, 8ut given the circumstances I 8elive it to 8e-”

“S)(--ELL Y—EAH” Meenah tackled her from behind, throwing an arm around her neck. “mah lil seakets all grown up” She actually sniffled a bit. “makos me so proud”

“Yes well…” She coughed, “There were some whose minds I couldn’t touch. I’m worried they might-”

“eh itll be fine” She stabbed her trident into the ground and grinned. “cmon lets brine some suckas”

Kankri let out another whistle blast, making Karkat roar in frustration.

“CAN SOMEONE TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HIM?!”

“no wave man i aint touchin dat”

“Karkat” Kanaya looked around, “Did You Not Have Some Job You Had To Do That Involved Dirk”

“WHAT? OH SHIT!” His head whipped around, but the human was nowhere in sight. “HE DITCHED ME! THAT BULGESUCKING TOOL!”

“yo shouty” Meenah grabbed his hand and turned him around to face some oncoming robots. “eyes front”

“FUCK!” He raised his sickle, “OUT OF THE WAY! I’M CLEARING A PATH FOR THE MAIN BUILDING SO I CAN MURDER SOMEONE!”

 

000

 

“wup” Dave leapt into the air and brought his sword down on one of the droid’s heads. He kicked off its shoulders and flipping onto another.

“hey dave! heads up!” He glanced up to see Jade hovering up above him, holding something in her hands. He sprung away as she released what appeared to be a handful of marbles. As they fell the marbles grew until the droids found themselves in a shower of bowling balls.

“HM. NICE BALLS.” Dave jumped and whirled to see Damara standing casually next to him, smoking.

“what the fuck megido?” He made some gesture with his sword. “stay in the time dorm its a fucking warzone out here.”

She pulled her cigarette out and smirked at him, then slid the needles out of her hairdo. Dropping the cigarette on the grass, she flickered and vanished. “oh shit.” His head whipped around as Damara was suddenly across the lawn. She swung her arm and a nearby droid suddenly jerked to the side and rammed into another. “oh no.” She flickered again to stab her needles into the head of another. “fuck! damara no! youre messing with the timeline! thats not…” His words led off as he was distracted by a small figure running from the droids. “cool…wait is that…OH HELL NO.” He broke into a sprint toward them.

“hey hey HEY!” He waved his hand to try and get their attention. “mayor! over here! this way!” The boy heard him, but to the Time student’s horror all he did was stop running to stare at him. “oh FUCK!” The closest robot raised its blade and swung downward.

“LAST TIME.” Dave gasped, holding the Mayor tight to his chest from where they sat against the wall. “i swear to god that was the last time im using time shit i swear.” He stood up, then nudged the other toward the gate. “get the fuck outta here man its dangerous.”

Damara raised her needles, preparing to jump again. A ball of black light hit her from behind. She stumbled forward as it swirled around her, then snarled.

“FUCK.” She turned and gave the offending droid a telekinetic shove.

“Damara!” Jane ran toward them. “What was that? Are you ok? Do you need healing?” She shrugged.

“NO BLEEDING. FEELING SPACEY. CAN NO MORE JUMP.”

“Jump? What-” She yelped and ducked to avoid a shot of dark green light. “What was that!?”

“oof!” Jade took a shot of red right in the chest. “uh…” She started sinking, then dropped to the ground. “whoa!” Damara raised her hand and the plummeting girl slowed to land at a safer speed.

“i can’t…” She wiggled her fingers, “i can’t use my powers!”

“shit.” Dave ran to join them, dodging blasts of black light as he went.

“hey guys!” Roxy and Eridan ran over to join them. “its aspect! theyre gunna mess wi ur powers!”

“That would explain the color-coding.” Rose and Kanaya came over as well. “It seems to wear off after awhile.”

“Those Who Are Relying On Their Powers To Fight Should Take Care” Eridan raised his wand.

“not a problem for me” He shot Kanaya a grateful look. The other troll did her best to focus on something else.

“It would be best to try and avoid them anyways.” Jade shuddered.

“yeah! it feels weird!”

“yo look out!” Roxy tackled Rose as a blast of dark blue shot toward her. It hit the Void student right in the back and she disappeared.

“Mom!?” Rose sat up and looked around. Eridan gave some mix between a shriek and loud stream of swears, whirling to face the droid that had shot her. Before he could raise his wand the robot disappeared as well, along with a few more.

“hai!” Roxy popped back into existence. “sry bout that” She grinned and shook her hair out. “that felt pretty kewl liek i grabbed some voidy superstar!”

“oh hell yeah i gotta try that hey jade cmere.”

“what?” She backed toward him, holding her rifle. “what are we doing?”

“yo!” He waved his arms at the nearest robot. “hey rust buckets lookit me im about to do some time shit.” Eridan snickered.

“rust buckets i gotta remember that one”

“Yes Racist **And** Sexual How Perfect For You”

“aaaand now” He grabbed Jade around the waist and spun her around in front of him.

“dave! what-” She got a gob of black light right in the chest.

“sweet are you ok?” She dropped the rifle, then held her hands out. As she brought them together several of the droids shrunk down until they were lost among the grass.

“whoa…”

“welp looks liek you guysre all set” Roxy bounced back toward the main building. “were gunna check out what dirks up 2 k?”

“Alright.” Rose shot a stream of white light to intercept another Void attack. “Be careful.”

“ya sure u 2!”

“rox wwait up”

 

000

 

“D--> Uh” Equius stared at the crumbling hole in the Void Dorm. “D--> Fiddlesti%”

“8=D < It’s quite alright!” He turned to find Horuss standing nearby, giving his usual wide grin. “8=D < We were stable to hoof everybody out in time.”

“D--> I see”

“:33< w3333!” Nepeta rode on the shoulders of a droid as it gave its last dying jerks. “:33< *ac brings down the giant metalbeast!*” She ripped her claws out and jumped free as it fell, landing beside the other two. “:33< *the prey topples ready to be devoured!*

“D--> Nepeta these are not for consumption”

“:33< pfff!” She rolled her eyes. “:33< i know that!” She groaned as another ten or so landed around them. “:33< how many are there!?”

They winced as a loud crash sounded from somewhere to the left.

“8=D < oh sh*ot!” Horuss’ smile faded into a worried frown. “8=D < That was the stables!” Equius raised his eyebrows.

“D--> Are you implying the hoofbeasts are in danger”

“Blinkers alive everyone!” There was a deafening storm of galloping as several horses bolted past them, two of which had a boy clinging to them.

“yESSSS…” Tavros grinning, arms flung around the animal’s neck. “i TOLD HER, i TOLD HER I HAD, uHH, aN IMPORTANT THING TO DO,”

“D--> Oh my” Equius swiped at his forehead. “D--> They have released the hoofbeasts”

“Good golly…” Jake tumbled off his, rolled a bit, then shoved himself up. “That sure was a pound and a half of excitement!” He dusted himself off. “Now if youll excuse me i must be off!”

“:33< mrr?” Nepeta cocked her head to the side. “:33< *ac wonders where the silly talking boy is going!*

“Er…the silly talking boy…” He pointed over his shoulder at the main building. “Is going to go see what his chum is up to!”

 

000

 

“Hey!” Dirk walked through the sliding doors into Dr. Scratch’s office. “Is the principal in?” The man turned to glare at him. All the screens on his wall were on, showing the battle in full. He looked unusually tense, which the Heart student decided to take as a good sign.

“I took you as someone smarter than one who would try to fight me alone.”

“Chill.” He raised both his hands to show he was unarmed. “I’m not here to fight. Let’s make a deal.” He received an incredulous stare.

“A deal.”

“This:” He held up a USB key. “This is all the data I took from the school. I didn’t make any other copies. I could take this to the police. Sure it’s far-fetched, but it would be enough to warrant an investigation, don’t you think?”

“What’s your point?”

“Take it.” He said evenly, “Take it. I’ll get everyone to pull out. You leave us alone. The eight of us, plus Eridan and the other trolls. We don’t come back. We don’t start shit.”

“Why should I think the rest will follow your orders?”

“I have my ways. I’ll get them to follow. You can probably even get this disaster covered up. If you don’t I’ll leak this shit everywhere until your name is synonymous with “evil conspriracy”. Complete with students and a parent as witnesses.” He let his shoulders fall, “We aren’t here to get on the front page of the newpaper. We just want to get out and leave this shit behind.”

“…” The man held out his hand, “Let me see that.” He tossed him the flash drive.

“Do we have a deal?”

“We’ll see.” He plugged it into his computer and brought it up on his desktop. “Where are the files?”

“They’re all in the folder labeled “school files”.” The principal’s eyes narrowed.

“It’s not here.”

“Yeah they are. It’s the only folder there.”

“It’s not here.” He repeated.

“…Aw Hell.” He facepalmed, then tapped his glasses. “My bad. I guess I actually put them on the huge storage space I have in my glasses.” Dr. Scratch glanced over his shoulder to fix him with a mix of bewilderment and suspicion.

“Why?”

“Oh.” He smirked as every single screen in the room went black. “For purely ironic purposes, I assure you.”

The middle screens started to glow red and a mechanical voice buzzed through the speakers.

 

TT: Oh Dirk, I do hope some dusty old files won’t be enough to replace me.

 

“Can you shut down the droids?”

 

TT: Not immediately. They’re part of a different system.

TT: Give me an hour or so.

 

“Fine.” He looked around. The principal had vanished again. He backed toward the door. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

 

TT: Of course.

 

Dirk ran back out into the hall, drawing his katana to face the oncoming bots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently Doc Scratch is a moron. He acts like he knows everything and he kinda does but I still don't actually know how omniscient he is in this fic. Let's go with "not very."
> 
> I don't know why Dave chose Eridan of all people to coach him on this. But the only answer is it's because future Dave did.
> 
> Where's Gamzee you ask? Karkat left him at home because he didn't want the stoned clown getting crushed by some bot.
> 
> We all know the Mayor is totally worth destroying the flow of time.
> 
> "References to Eridan's Death" count: 9, wow what an uneven number.
> 
> P.S. If you put the hints together, you'll realize how the dead Dave came to be. *COUGH* Eridan accidentally shot him and he jumped back for other Dave to see. *COUGH*


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which several quiet kids make appearances, Eridan experiences disillusionment, and the "RtED" count hits 10.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Semesters and Strife": "Cheerful and humorous"? I'm sorry, did you mean "Heart-wrenching and needlessly cruel"? 
> 
> This is the chapter in which the blood warning comes in, though I wouldn't call it a "Graphic Depiction"...
> 
> Anyways, the song Eridan and Roxy are singing at the beginning is "Slipping" from "Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog". These two nerds probably marathoned it at one point.

“go ahead!”

“run awway!”

“say it was HO-RRI-BUL!”

Eridan and Roxy strolled through the fourth floor of the main building, shooting as they went and taking switching off on the lyrics of the song.

“spread the wword!”

“tell a friend!”

“tell them the tale!”

“get a pic!” Roxy kicked a piece of rubble out of the way. Eridan grinned and shot another robot.

“do a blog!”

“heroes r ove-oof!” She pitched forward as a droid that had apparently not been completely totaled got her in the back with a shot of light. Ahab’s Crosshairs skittered across the ground to smack against someone’s foot.

“shit!” The Seadweller spun and finished the attacker, then knelt down beside her. “you alright rox?”

“ya just feels like i suddenly got a rly shitty sunburn” She raised her head to see where the gun had gone. “uhh…”

“hey peeps!” Cronus grinned and snuck his foot under the gun, tossing it up into his hands. “need a hand?”

“oh SHELL NO!” Eridan threw his arms out in a stopping motion at him. “put that dowwn you havve no fuckin clue howw it wworks youre gonna-”

He fired. The lighting arched around them neatly to hit another droid square in the chest.

“wvell then.” He rested the gun against his shoulder and winked at them. “excuse me but i’m a **pro** at handling my equipment.”

“wwhat the?” The Seadweller jabbed his finger at it, “that shit is alien tech howw the shell do you knoww howw to wwork it?” He shrugged.

“i dunno actually i think i had something like it at one point.”

“wwhat?” His eyes lit up in interest. “wwhere? itll be useful evven in your greasy hands.” The other shrugged awkwardly.

“uhh…i think i sold it to a pawvn shop for a guitar.”

“ARE YOU FUCKIN SERIOUS!?” He threw his hands up in the air. Cronus backed up a step.

“hey wvhat can i say im a lovwer not a fighter.”

“wwhatevver” He grumbled, “givve that fin back to rox its still practically useless in your hands.”

“wvell excuse me.” He huffed, “and wvhat are you doing?” He gestured to the wand in his hand. “lil old to be playing wvizard aincha?”

“excuse me?” He growled, “this:” He raised the wand, then jerked it to the side to blast another droid with such force that it crashed through the wall. “is a fuckin wweapon a scientific destruction!”

“omg” Roxy stared at the gaping hole to outside. “eri u gotta be careful!”

“eh” He shrugged, “it probably wwont land on anyone theyre smart enough to get outta the wway” He smacked Cronus in the shin until he grimaced and tossed Roxy the gun. “cmon lets go bust some more metal heads”

 

000

 

Outside, a short pale girl in a colorful bandana stumbled to the ground. Wincing, she pushed herself up and stared in terror at the metal creature looming over her.

A thin figure leapt up onto the droid’s back and she caught the sharp glint of a blade before it was stabbed repeatedly into slim opening where the head met the chest. One last screeching jerk later it appeared that some movement nerve must have been servered because it crashed forward, making the girl scramble back.

The boy stayed crouched on the fallen droid’s back. He wore a dark expression and had a scar over one eye. He glanced over at her, then extended his hand.

“It’s dangerous out here ma’am.” He briefly gripped the edge of his hat in a kind of greeting. “Name’s Slick. I’ll get you to safety.”

 

000

 

High up on the roof of the Blood dorm, a kid lay flat on his stomach, peering through the scope of a high-power rifle. He wasn’t quite sure what was going on. He was aware that some students yesterday had had the gall to rob the rifle shed, resulting in a need for copious lines of police tape. He was also aware that they had actually been the co-presidents of the sharpshooting club, but they had not provided any permission to be moving the guns regardless. Lastly, he was aware that he had also moved a gun without permission, and was presently using it outside a club activity.

His eyes narrowed as his finger settled on the trigger. Above all this, he was very much aware that he was the LAW, and that these robots were in FLAGRANT VIOLATION of rules concerning dangerous objects on the school lawn.

 

000

 

A tall girl flew down one of the paths, perched on the end of a shopping cart with her gray headscarf flapping behind her. The cart had a well-worn banner that read “SBURB Mail Delivery” but the usual packages had been replaced with the multitude of first aid kits that were presently rattling inside. She blew her whistle to alert an approaching group of kids, then hurled one of the packs at them. She made a hard turn and kicked off a couple of times to get her speed up again.

A droid slammed down into her path, extending its blade toward her. She refused to slow, instead pulling out a long black blade tied to her waist. Some guy at the post office desk had tossed it to her. She had decided not to ask questions.

She grit her teeth as the metal beast approached. Neither rain nor sleet nor a robot invasion would stop the mail.

 

000

 

“D--> What” Equius picked up the red box that had landed on the grass. “D--> Is this some type of e%plosive”

“:33< no!” Nepeta snapped her hands out as he prepared to hurl it at one of the droids. “:33< it’s a first aid kit! it has medical supplies!”

“D--> Oh” He popped off the lid and examined the contents. “D--> Very well. Sit down, you have substained some damage”

“:33< huh?” She pointed with both fingers at the scrape on her forehead. “:33< aw it’s just a scratch!”

“D--> Nonsense” He ducked to avoid a flying chunk of robot. “D--> Have a seat. Uh” He pulled out a fistful of band-aids. “D--> I can do this” A droid landed behind as he attempted to get the wrapping off without tearing the bandage. He paused to lean back and yank one of its legs off.

“D--> These are tr00ly terribly made” He held up a stripped band-aid. “D--> Er” He stared at his moirail’s bleeding forehead, then started to sweat. “D--> Hold VERY still” He swallowed and carefully moved it closer to her face. “D--> Just a little more”

“FOR FUCKS SAKE” Meenah slid in beside them. “water you guys doin sittin here like fish in a barrel” She noticed the first aid kit and scooped it up. “aw sweet YO SEAKET GIT OV--ER H--ER--E”Vriska hopped over, glancing around for more droids.

“What’s up?” The Life student tore a piece of bandage with her teeth.

“gimme that bloody arm a yours” She slapped it on and tugged it tight. “cant bereef that stupid trainin i got proved useful” She wiped a bit of cobalt blood away, “nice color you go there by the wave” She glanced back at the other two. “what the shell are you still sittin around for” She snatched the band-aid away from him and slapped it onto Nepeta. “there problem solved lets go sheesh”

 

000

 

“Dirk?” Jake trotted through the halls, glancing around. A series of loud crashes hit his ears. He swallowed and held his pistols tight in his hands, then crept forward. “Hello?”

Dirk swung around the corner and went barreling toward him. He stopped for a brief second then snatched the other’s jacket with an oil-stained hand and yanked him into a run.

“Shit.” He glanced backwards as a crowd of robots rounded the corner after him. “Damnit Hal, they better shut down soon. Jake, what are you doing here?”

“Looking for you!” He fired a few shots behind him. “I guess i was successful in that endeavor at least!”

“Yeah great let’s try and find the exit now.”

“Hey chap.” A wide grin spread across his face. “I think we can take them! What say you?”

“I say maybe if we can find an open area.”

“Maybe if i…” He flicked his hand, then waved it over his shoulder. “Um…hey angel chums you wanna lend us a hand here?”

“I don’t think this is the time for experimental hope powers.”

“Guess not.” He laughed, “Well i have another idea if youll humor me.”

They ducked into the doorway leading to the stairs. The droids crashed in after them.

“Ahoy!” Jake fired a couple of shots at them, standing on the platform below. “How well can you chaps do stairs?” He bolted as they went clattering down after him.

Dirk dropped down from the upper floor, landing onto the shoulders of the last bot and digging his sword into its neck. He then kicked it into the next one. He landed on the steps and leapt forward again to tackle a third while Jake hit the front with a barrage of fire.

“Whew!” Jake’s grin broke out again as the last droid fell. “That was quite a rush!” Dirk landed next to him.

“Right.” He flipped his sword around a bit, “Are you uh, okay?”

“Peachy keen!” He changed the magazines on his guns. “Shall we-”

“Wait.” Dirk held his hand up. “Hal’s messaging me. What is it?”

 

TT: Sixth floor.

TT: What?

TT: You might want to get over there.

TT: Fast.

 

“Shit.” He shook his head, then jerked his arm to indicate the other follow him. “Come on. Sixth floor.”

 

000

 

Karkat yanked his sickle through yet another robot’s torso, breathing heavily. He was either on the fifth or sixth floor. He turned down a hallway and found evidence of previous fighting: Bits of robotics and charred holes in the walls. He examined one and deduced the work of Ahab’s Crosshairs. A loud crash up ahead prompted him to roll his eyes.

The troll found the duo in a large room surrounded by machine bits, broken glass and plaster, about half a dozen live bots, and utter chaos.

“wwhoa.” Eridan ducked a blade and glanced over at him. “kar is that you?”

“OH MY GOD.” Karkat dug his sickle into the joint of the nearest droid. “HOW DID I KNOW YOU TWO WOULD BE GETTING INTO SHIT WAY ABOVE YOUR RESPECTIVE HEIGHT LEVELS?”

“nu uh” Roxy popped into the air beside him, nearly causing him to slice her face off. She wagged her finger at him. “were totes alright” She disappeared again, only to reappear across the room to shoot another bot down.

“yeah.” The Seadweller grinned and twirled his wand between his fingers. “wwere dominatin these-oh fuck!” The weapon tumbled out of his grip and clattered against the ground. He swore and bent down to scoop it up again.

“HEY FINFUCKER!” Karkat tore his blade through the head of another bot. “GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME.”

“chill kar.” He hit the button on the wand, but it refused to light up. His frown deepened and he stabbed at it again. It flickered and gave a half-hearted buzz before dying again.

“uhhh” Roxy glanced over, concern starting to creep up in her eyes. “eri u alright?”

“yeah uh” He banged it a couple of times, then started clawing at the bottom. “h…hang on…”

“OH PAILING *FUCK*.” Karkat leapt off the robot and started toward him. “ERIDAN YOU MORON! WATCH YOURSELF! YOU’RE IN A BATTLE!” He seemed too absorbed into his present act to hear him. The bottom of the wand popped off, and two double A batteries tumbled out. He stared at them in disbelief, then peered down in the wand, trying to find the real technology.

“**ERIDAN**!!!” The troll shrieked as one of the droids noticed the preoccupied opponent. “YOU DON’T NEED THE SHITTY TOY WAND IT’S YOUR OWN POWER SHITTING OUT ALL THAT STUPID WHITE APOCALYPSE SO GET YOUR HORNS OUT OF YOUR NOOK AND *WATCH OUT*!”

“huh?” He finally looked up. His eyes widened and he dropped the wand while making some mad attempt to scramble backwards from the blade whistling toward him. A desperate blast from Ahab’s Crosshair’s missed by a foot as the robot sliced across his stomach. Eridan was thrown into an arc. He hit the ground and rolled a full 10 feet, leaving a smear of violet after him.

Roxy screamed, then vanished to materialize right in front of the bot. She fired point-blank twice, then dashed over to the fallen Seadweller as it fell. Karkat swallowed and crept forward. The other was on his stomach; he couldn’t see the damage.

“e-eri?” She knelt down and felt her knees and hands hit something cold and wet. She raised her fingers to see them stained with with violet. She forced a gag down and shook his arm. “eri eri hey! u alright? cmon…” She tugged his shoulder to pull him over but while his torso shifted his legs hardly moved, so she grabbed his pants with her other hand and heaved him onto his back. His head faced away from her and he stared off into nothing with a kind of empty blindness.

“oh god” Her fingers gingerly traced the soaked tear in his shirt. “eri eri over here” She tilted his head toward her. “lookit me look over here…” For a few seconds he didn’t respond, then his eyes slowly slid over to meet hers. Dark violet that still had a few shots of gray in them.

“rox” Her name slipped through his lips in the faintest whisper. “im turnin into sea foam rox.” She tried to give some sort of laugh but it was strangled by a sob.

“noo nonono…” She pulled the cape over her head and wrapped it around his waist. “ur gonna turn into an air spirit remember” She reached out to stroke his hair. “thats how the book went she dove into the ocean and turned into an air spirit thingy” His features twitched into a brief grimace.

“cmon rox that endin w-w-was crap you know-ww it.” He choked and turned his head to cough out a mouthful of blood.

“well get janey.” She gasped, tears running down her cheeks. “well find janey she can get u all patched up its gonna be fine k? k?”

“rox” He repeated, a little louder and with a tinge of whining. “you know-w she cant she aint close enough-”

“stopit eri” She whispered, “stopit you aint dying.”

“GODDAMMIT ERIDAN.” Karkat snapped, “PUT THAT STUPID HIGHBLOOD RESILIENCE YOU’RE ALWAYS HARPING ABOUT TO SOME USE.”

“nah kar” He raised his hand to stare at the blood, “god ivve just…i swwear i mustvve thought i w-was gonna die so many fuckin times these months…” His hand spasmed in some kind of spinning motion. “but this feels…pretty damn real like…sorry i dont **w-wanna** go but…” The cloudy look returned to his eyes. “this aint so bad…its a fighters death.”

“nope” Her head whipped around, looking for some answer. “nope nope no way theres gotta…theres gotta be somethin like…i dont know but youre gonna be **fine**!”

“rox im nearly in tw-wo pieces.” He groaned, “i dont believve in shit like miracles.”

“Tough.” A loud voice made them look up. Dirk crossed his arms. “You’re about to become one.”

“heh” Eridan blinked slowly, “w-whatre you gonna do strider put my soul in a jar and build a bot?” Jake glanced over at his boyfriend.

“Are you?”

“Not exactly.” He tilted his head back.

 

TT: Are you seeing this?

TT: Yeah through the security cameras.

TT: Dare I ask what plan you have that involves me?

TT: The procedure. GT.

TT: Can you activate it?

TT: Are you nuts? That won’t fix anything.

TT: You saw the files. Eridan was pegged as “not ready” and taken off the program entirely when his angels disappeared.

TT: Plus it takes hours to load up. He doesn’t have minutes.

TT: Force the system then. Mess with it to improve his chances.

TT: It’s worth a shot, isn’t it? He’s aleady got the dying part down.

TT: Come on, we’re wasting time.

TT: Hello?

TT: I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dirk.

TT: What?

TT: What the fuck does that mean?

TT: Well technically I could.

TT: All the security and passcodes are easy.

TT: But the procedure isn’t meant to be done at the drop of a hat.

TT: It would probably overheat and blow up the building.

TT: How long would it take to break down?

TT: By my calculations, ten minutes or so. Fifteen at the most.

TT: That’s more than enough time to get out.

TT: Said the human with legs.

TT: You’re in the system now, aren’t you?

TT: It’s a very isolated system. I’m pretty sure if this place went up, I’d be going with it.

TT: Call me selfish and cynical, but I don’t feel like sacrificing myself to engage a process that probably won’t do much besides give him a flashy cremation.

TT: Nor do I think you would be willing to stop by and get me.

TT: Sure I would.

TT: Please don’t argue with me, we’re the same person.

TT: Dude, I will okay? We’re wasting time.

TT: Dirk, there isn’t a 1% chance this will work.

TT: Hal.

TT: Please.

TT: He’s important to Roxy.

TT: He talked with you.

TT: You know he’d message me specifically when he knew I was busy.

TT: I know. It’s pretty unfortunate.

TT: I’ll make sure you get out, okay?

TT: Just help us try this.

TT: Hm…

TT: What do you mean “Hm…”?

TT: You don’t need to think.

TT: I know.

TT: It seems I’m going against the better chance for survival.

TT: Probably only because you might smash me in retaliation.

TT: Or perhaps I’ve contracted some weird virus.

TT: Codename: FRIENDSHIP.

TT: Roxy and Karkat can bring him up a flight and set him on the table in the second room on the left.

TT: But I’m not starting until you’re here.

TT: Fine. Deal.

TT: One more thing.

TT: Seriously!?

TT: I want a body.

TT: What?

TT: Ok fine.

TT: I’ll make you a fucking body just get ready.

 

Dirk growled, then pointed at the dying troll. “You two, get him upstairs and put him on the table in the second room on the left. Once and if he comes back, you need to get out because the place is gonna blow. Jake, you’re with me.”Roxy didn’t even ask. She just looped her arms under his and heaved him up while Karkat scrambled to grab his legs. “Try not to tear him in half.”

“AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE DOING?” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

“I need to go relieve the concerns of a frustratingly accurate AI.”

“cmon eri.” Roxy whispered as they headed for the stairs. “were gunna get you better.”

He gave some garbled mumble that sounded somewhat like “not gonna let me die in peace”

 

000

 

Rose spun her needles around her fingers before pointing them to send a bolt of light into another cloud of droids. She leapt out of the way of a Void shot and jabbed her weapons to return fire.

“Dear me.” She sighed, “I would like to avoid seeing anything metal and moving for a good while after this.”

“Agreed” Kanaya muttered, chopping off an arm that had been lunging for her.

“Speaking of after this.” She mused thoughtfully. “Have you ever been to the café down by the corner?” The troll’s eyes darted around for any other incoming machinery.

“I Do Not Believe So”

“They have the best little cakes. Perhaps I could show you them later.”

“I See” She glanced over to smile at her. “That Sounds-” Her head jerked up at the sound of a loud crash above them. “Rose”

The human glanced up to find several chunks of wall and robot falling toward her. For a second she froze and the issue of fight or flight washed over her. She raised her needles in a desperate attempt to destroy the wreckage.

A hard shove sent her flying forward. She hit the ground and rolled a few feet, feeling the impact of the debris through vibrations in the earth. She spat out a few strands of grass and shoved herself up.

“Kanaya?” Her head slowly turned to take in the surroundings. “Kanaya where…” She at last reluctantly forced her gaze to fall on the pile of stones and metal. “K…Ka…” Her throat closed and she scrambled over. “K-K…” She heaved the plaster and warm metal away until she found the her head. She gently turned it so she could see her face. A line of jade ran down her forehead. “Kan…” She swallowed, “Ka…na…ya…?” The troll’s eyes slowly opened and flickered over to meet hers. Her lips moved but no sound came out. Her face screwed up in pain and she forced one of her arms up. It was holding a single gold key. The key vanished and the matriorb fell onto her chest, all wrapped up in the yarn cozy. She managed to give it a faint push so it rolled off her into the grass. Rose forced another swallow, feeling hot water running down her cheeks. She raised a shaking hand toward it.

It shattered under the foot of another droid. A bit of the orb flew bounced against her knee. She stared a the ground dumbly, then turned her head to look back at Kanaya. The Jadeblood gazed at the mess and a deep sense of anguish rose up in her eyes just as they slowly closed. The tiniest noise floated out from Rose’s throat as she watched her for even the faintest sign of movement. The dark blue light of Void Aspect rained down on her, but the accompanying feeling of emptiness was already there.

“H3Y!” There was the loud screech of metal on metal, and a crash beside her indicated the droid was gone. Terezi knelt down beside her. “UH, H3LLO? 34RTH TO ROS3!” She snapped her fingers under her nose, then paused to sniff at the wreckage. “W41T, K4N4Y4!?” She leaned forward but Rose’s hand suddenly whipped out, snatching her shoulder with a grip of steel. “UH.” She glanced over to give her a bit of a sniff. “4R3 YOU OK4Y?”

The human slowly got to her feet, using her grip on the troll as support. She slowly took in the chaos around her. Several droids glided toward her.

She screamed out a lungful of utter rage and pain before jabbing her needles in her direction. Only a dim spark left them. Terezi scrambled up.

“YOU GOT H1T W1TH VO1D. YOU C4N’T-”

“NO!” She shrieked, throwing them forward again. “NO THIS WILL WORK. I WILL MAKE THIS WORK!”

“C4LM DOWN! YOU’R3 GONN4-” She halted to sniff the air. “UH…” Rose glared at the approaching enemies, teeth grit so hard they might crack. Slowly, dark smoke rose and curled up around her body. Her skin faded to an ashy gray and her lavender eyes turned to black. She once again flicked her needles in their direction. Shadows rushed out to engulf the coming droids. There was a cacophony of crushing metal and when the darkness faded there was only a pile of pieces.

“OH WOW.” Rose stalked off, still surrounded by the black smoke. “D4MN 1T.”

 

000

 

“shit man” Dave flipped over one of the droids and whirled around to dig his sword into its back. “these things are like huge lethal mosquitos damn i hope the mayors alright fuck” He hopped back a few steps as another bot advanced, pulling its blade back.

“Behind you!”

“huh?” He whirled around to see another droid rushing toward him. “shit” He glanced back at the first one. “shit shit SHIT” He dropped his sword then spun sideways and threw his arms up. The blades sliced through the front and back of his shirt, but he only got a couple of nicks on his skin. “whoa fuck” He exhaled carefully, “ha ok that was sick” The droids drew back both their swords. “aw hell” He ducked as the blades whistled over his head.

He snatched his sword and leapt forward, jamming it into the chest of one of them. He ripped it out then turned to face the remaining bot.

There was a heavy thunk as three red prongs sprouted from its chest. They were ripped out and the machine crumpled to the ground, jerking faintly.

“Not very well made, are they?” Jane panted, leaning on her fork. “Dirk and Roxy could build better stuff than this.”

“right guess i didnt inherit that or uh you know what forget i said that hey sup” He waved and her face fell into a deep frown.

“You’re bleeding.” He glanced at the torn sleeve and small trickle of blood.

“oh yeah chill its fine”

“No way buster!” She spread her hand out toward him and it glowed light green. His arm lit up as well and the wound closed.

“sweet” He shook it out, “thanks so uh you seen bro around”

“I think he went into the main building.” She glanced over at the structure and chewed her lip. “I’d go but I have to stick around for healing.”

“right im sure theyre fine tho-oh holy shit what is that” He pointed with his sword at the stream of shadows sliding across the ground. “is that oh shit is that rose”

“It…” She squinted across the field. “It looks like it might very well be!”

“aw hell” He pulled his skateboard out of his sylladex and dropped it to the ground, “ok i think i should check that out uh hang tight janes mom wait no just jane its jane right”

“Y…eah.”

“right good luck” He tossed her a thumbs up then went gliding off toward the storm of shadows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmmyep, that went from 0 to 600 in no time at all. Apparently I didn't know where to stop in those Return to Core References.
> 
> Eridan is referencing the story of the Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson. The mermaid, after being rejected by her crush, dives into the ocean to become sea foam, but actually turns into an air spirit, which some people argue is a strange last addition to the tragic tale. Basically it's a weird literary metaphor I decided to add and then waited 20 chapters to write that one line about the damn sea foam.
> 
> Did I actually put a reference to the death count in the actual fanfiction? I'm definitely insane. OTL
> 
> Haha you fuckers thought I was gonna kill Dave for a second too, huh?
> 
> "Reference to Eridan's Death" Count: All the references. All of them. All the references to all the deaths.
> 
> Oh noes...Kanaya...yeah...she's totally not coming back. It's not like...there's some magical secret...^^0
> 
> If it seems like Rose went grimdark with absolutely no background information, that would be because I had decided against her doing it and neglected to add anything about it. Tempted to go back and fix that... OTL
> 
> Okay that's all for this week. Now excuse me while I go lie around and imagine a possibility where Eridan dies among people who give a shit.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan receives dubious CPR, Jade levels up, and fucking glitter, butterflies and DirkJake everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eridan stopped using fish puns due to the gravity of the situation.
> 
> Please indulge me in the chapter and it's poor writing/shitty one-liners. I blame Eridan and his love of Doctor Who and Harry Potter. I have literally been writing these in the span a chapter in one week.

“Alright.” Dirk plugged his glasses into the computer. “We’re ready. Are they there?” The computer buzzed a response.

“Almost.” The screen blinked to show them heading up the staircase.

“Okay.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Jake.”

“Huh?” The other boy spun to face him. “What?”

“I have to go make sure they get out.” He pointed at the door. “Let’s…split up for a bit. As soon as this goes off you take Hal and head for the exit. We’ll meet up later. Okay?” Jake stared at him for a few seconds, then grinned and flashed him a thumbs up.

“Clear as water!”

“…Great.” He turned back to watch the three on the screen.

 

000

 

Eridan gave some garbled mumble, making Roxy glance down at him.

“eri?”

“s’strider” He muttered, “he better wwatch out for ya”

“eri shh dont talk rite now k?” She glanced over her shoulder to watch their ascent on the stairs. “later k?”

“m’serious” He coughed a bit, “evven if he cant lovve you he better there for you or i swwear ill haunt him forevver” He shifted his eyes to look at Karkat, “kar make sure shes alright im not sayin she needs a goddamn lusus i just-”

“SHUT UP. NOW.” He snapped, “YOU ARE *NOT* FOISTING YOUR MOIRAIL DUTIES OFF TO SOME PRICK. FOCUS ON STAYING ALIVE INSTEAD OF SOME INANE DRIVEL.”

“probably wworryin for nothin again” His eyes slid out of focus again and he continued to babble despite their protests. “shes got good friends shell be fine”

“eri i swear to GOD” She kicked the door open. “you…youre gonna be fine ok just shut up for a bit”

“i cant do this rox i aint meant to do somethin like this”

“yes you are even if you dont believe it” She shouldered her way through. “cause i believe it and im gonna believe in you so hard ill kick the asses of all your not-believin shits”

“HEY.” Karkat jerked his shoulder at one of the doors. “THIS ONE, RIGHT?”

“ya ya cmon”

A raised platform sat in the middle of the room. The various machines hovering over and around the thing made Karkat at least partly apprehensive about putting Eridan on it, but they didn’t really have a choice at the moment.

“alright alright” Roxy carefully lay him down on the cloudy fiberglass surface, then gave a quick look to make sure he was completely on. “k eri hang on youll be fine” She swallowed. “eri?” The troll lay perfectly still. His eyes were half-open and dull as they stared at the bright ceiling lights. “eri…?” She lightly touched his cheek. The usual chill had faded to room temperature.

An autotuned version of Dirk’s voice blarred from a loudspeaker in the corner.

“Get back.”

She nodded and backed away from the body. The top of the table started to glow bright white, then gradually grew in intensity.

“UH…” Karkat squinted at the growing light, “I DON’T THINK ANYTHING IS HAPPENING.” The speaker answered him.

“We’ll see.” The light suddenly burst out to ten times the intensity, crashing down from above as well as below. Karkat shrieked and clapped his hands over his eyes.

“FUCK! OKAY SOMEONE JUST TELL ME IF ANYTHING COMES OF THIS.”

 

000

 

Dirk swore as a faint tremor ran through the building. There was a lot of frantic beeping from a lot of different machines in the room.

“Is it working?”

“Not really. He doesn’t have a pulse, and his body’s heating up at an alarming pace.”

“Can you-” He paused as a hand gripped his wrist to get his attention. He glanced over at Jake. His head was tilted down to stare at the ground. “Jake?”

“Its the angels.” His eyes remained fixed on the carpet. “They’re going somewhere.”

“Going where?”

“If I had to hazard a guess…”

 

000

 

Roxy peaked through her fingers, trying to see through the brilliance. She inched a bit closer, wishing she had one of Dirk’s shades.

“eri?” Through her eyelashes she could just made out a dark figure floating in the air. The light twisted around her friend’s body like living creatures. She swallowed, trying to ignore the sharp tingling feeling the light was giving her.

A shockwave crashed into her and she went skidding backwards, accompanied by a cascade of shattering glass. She winced, then blinked the dots from her eyes. A rush of panic hit her as she realized the lights had all gone out.

“oh god” Her head whipped around, trying to make out something in the darkness. “what broke?!” She heard Karkat grunt from somewhere behind her.

“I WOULD GUESS EVERYTHING.”

“shit” She bit her lip, then called out. “eri? can you here me?” Dead silence greeted her. “ERI!”

She held her breath. After a few seconds she thought she heard a rustle, then a voice, raw as if it had been sandpapered.

“rox?”

Her grin split wide and she feel tears welling up in her eyes. Karkat mumbled a few relieved obscenities.

“SHIT MAN. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE FOR. UH, YOU ARE ALIVE RIGHT? DOES ANYONE HAVE SOME SOURCE OF LUMINESCENCE?”

A faint light lit up the center to the room. Eridan sat hunched over on the side of the platform. One hand hovered half-cupped in front of his chest, white flames dancing around his fingertips.

“hey” He wheezed. Roxy made some sort of sobbing hiccup and took a few steps toward her.

“eri are you…how do you feel?” He inclined his head a bit, then grimaced.

“like the boy wwho livved i guess” She choked, then burst into a fit of laughter. He gave a half-hearted chuckle as well.

“actually i feel pretty damn terrible to be honest”

“WOW HORNFUCKER. WAY TO GO.”

“gimme a break kar i just got sawed in half and electrocuted or somethin wwhat am i supposed to say i feel like a fuckin **go-** wwhoa!” Roxy tackled him, throwing him back onto the platform. “oof rox rox wwhoa youre gonna kill me again oww…” His glowing hand flailed a bit in the air before she got up off him.

“youre ok!”

“guess so” He coughed a bit, then sat up. “wwoww i wwas sure i wwas toast uh…” He wiggled his flaming hand. “uh…ok this…this is a thing…” He looked down to fiddle with the gash on his shirt. “aww fuck this wwas-”

They looked up as the sound of clapping echoed through the room.

“Extraordinary.” Dr. Scratch leaned against the wall, gloved hands beating out a brisk rhythm. “I never thought you would succeed at this level and especially not these circumstances. To say that you’ve exceeded expectations would be a major understatement.”

Eridan sputtered while Roxy raised yanked her gun out of her specibus. Karkat, only a few feet away, charged and swung his sickle in a wide arc. The man deftly caught his wrist while keeping his gaze on the other two.

“The roof, if you would please.” He vanished with the troll.

“FUCK” Eridan snarled, struggling to stand up off the table. Roxy guided him up, then towards the door.

“cmon lets grab ur nubby friend and ill void us outta here”

 

000

 

“Alright.” Dirk snapped the plug off his glasses, then tossed them to Jake. “Get going.” He ran out into the hallway, then realized he could hear footsteps behind him. He glanced backward to find Jake running at his heels, grin spread wide.

“Hey.” The blond jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “There’s an elevator back there that will take you all the way to the bottom.”

“I know!” He answered cheerfully.

“Damn it Jake, this isn’t time for using the stairs in an emergency. Only an elevator will get you all the way out.”

“I know!” The glasses in his hand buzzed to life.

“Give it up Dirk. He’s coming with you.”

“Dude this isn’t safe!”

“Of course not! So i cant leave you alone to it can i? Catch!” He tossed him the shades.

“…” He ducked his head as he put them on to hide a faint smirk. “You bastard.”

“Lets hurry on now before we all go up in smoke!”

 

000

 

Dr. Scratch appeared with his captive troll on the top of the roof.

“YOU SLIMY PIECE OF DRIED NOOK SLURRY!!” Karkat swung his sickle at his face again. The man immediately hurled him off the building. “**FUCK**!!” He tumbled down a few stories before a blast of wind crashed into him. His descent slowed dramatically until he thumped to ground with no more force than if he had tripped. He stared up at the boy hovering in the air above him.

“whew!” John gave him a toothy grin, “that was a close one! are you-oof!” He flipped backwards as a glob of brown light shot him in the chest. “whoa…whoa!” He flailed around in the air for a few seconds, then dropped to the ground, arms pinwheeling.

“hang on!” Jade flew in out of nowhere and threw her arms up. Her brother jerked to a stop, then was lowered down at a safer pace.

“wow!” He heaved a deep sigh. “thanks jade!”

“AND THANKS FOR THE CATCH YOURSELF.” Karkat nudged him with his sickle. “HOW ARE THINGS GOING OUT HERE?”

“well uh,” He shrugged, “there are still a ton of robots…ugh!” He glanced down with annoyance at a weird pendant hanging around his neck. “where is he?!”

“WHO?”

“i uh, called someone.” He hefted his sledgehammer as a crowd of droids approached them. “except he hasn’t shown up!” Karkat backed up a few steps, locking onto his next target.

“IS YOUR FRIEND USEFUL?”

“maybe?” He charged and swung his hammer into the chest of the nearest robot. Karkat leapt onto another one and dug his sickle into it’s head. The machine jerked and threw him. He tumbled over the grass before managing to right himself. John skidded to a stop next to him.

“HOW LONG BEFORE YOUR WINDY SHIT COMES BACK?”

“i don’t know!”

“WONDERFUL.” He raised his weapon against the bots looming over them. His eyes darted around for another opening.

A streak of orange flashed in front of his eyes and one of the bots in front of him crumpled to the ground, a giant slash running right through its chest.

“caw caw motherfuckers”

“dave sprite!” John grinned, staring up at the strange ghost-bird-friend.

“hey sorry im late for the party” He pointed up at the sky. “i brought a friend though” They followed his finger to a small sliver of green high in the sky.

“you can come down” He called, “its probably safer down here than in the sky” It obliged, and as it glided closer Karkat recognized the semblance of a girl, a familiar one.

“wait…” Jade fixed her glasses and peered at the ghost with a mix of astonishment and curiousity. “is that me?!”

“i was.” The sprite mumbled back, hugging herself. “then i got turned into this!” She gestured to her ethereal body, then the two dog ears sitting on the top of her head.

“um wow” The girl stared at the other her, completely lost for words. “what…you…?”

“hey guys” Dave glided in on his skateboard. “rose is-wait what the fuck?”

“ill explain later” Davesprite nudged the other ghost, “hey go ahead” She turned her head to give him a doubtful stare.

“can i??”

“you gotta ask yourself that” He nodded to the human girl.

“uh…” She blinked, “ask me what?”

“i want…” The sprite shakily held her arms out toward her, “i-i want to be normal again. a human…” The girl blinked again, slower, then held her arms out as well.

“you mean like…” The ghost plunged into her chest and her body lit up green.

John yelped and scrambled back, gaping at his glowing friend. “jade what-!?”

“CALM DOWN.” Karkat patted him on the shoulder. “I HAVE DEDUCED THAT GLOWING IS PROBABLY A GOOD THING RIGHT NOW.”

The light faded. Jade stared at her hands, then reached up to touch the dog ears that had sprouted from her head. They flicked a bit.

“uh…” John hesitantly reached out to tap her shoulder. “jade?”

The girl grinned, then stood up. She rose into the air, capturing the attention of a group of droids.

“FUCK.” Karkat craned his neck back to watch them. “HEY, WHOEVER CAN FLY MIGHT WANT TO HELP HER OUT?”

“hang on” Davesprite shook his head, though he hovered a little closer to her with his sword ready. “lets see if-”

The girl raised her hand toward them. The robots froze, then seemed to implode within themselves. She threw her hand down and the twisted chunks of machinery crashed to the ground. The kids below flung their arms up to shield themselves from the flying bits of metal.

“oh wow” Dave shook a wire out of his hair, then glanced up at the orange ghost beside him. “are we gonna do that”

“nah man im cool like this”

“cool” He poked Karkat, “so anyways rose kinda went nuts” The troll scowled at him.

“HOW MANY WOODFRUITS ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?”

“uh…” John tapped him on the shoulder, then pointed to the spire of darkness shooting up across the campus. Tendrils of shadow unfurled to snatch the droids out of the air and suck them in.

“UH, OKAY, THAT’S NEW. WHY IS SHE DOING THAT?”

“uh right thats the other bad news” He coughed a bit and scratched his nose. “so kanaya might be dead”

“…WHAT? **WHAT?!**” Karkat grabbed him by the shirt with both hands and yanked him in so their faces almost smashed together. “ *****WHAT***!?!** ”

“yeah i dunno” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the pile of rubble nearby. “maybe it was an alien thing i was kinda hoping it was an alien thing”

“MOVE!!” He shoved him aside and sprinted over to the wreckage. “KANAYA!?” He crouched down, trying to keep the bile down at the jade blood that coated his friend. “OH GOD…” He hesitantly raised his hand to touch her face. “OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD NO THIS CAN’T BE REAL. OH GOD…” He leaned forward, trying to figure out if she was breathing. “KANAYA? KANAYA PLEASE TELL ME YOU CAN-” A hand clamped down his collar and yanked him down. “WHA-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

 

000

 

“The Hell?” Vriska glanced around. “Who’s shrieking like a wriggler out here?”

“FUCK” Her head whipped back to Meenah. The other girl was hunched over, clutching her side.

“Sh8t!” She tossed her dice at the robot. A lucky roll triggered an explosion large enough to dispatch it. “Hey hey!” She knelt down as her friend dropped to her knees. Blood was seeping out between her fingers. “Hang on, I’ll find that girl-”

“nah dont bother” She growled, gripping a fistful of grass. “just stand back cray ive got dis”

The troll frowned, but backed up. Meenah sucked in a breath of air. Vriska leaned in, astonished, as the grass around her shriveled and died. She exhaled slowly and a green glow enveloped her wound. After a few seconds it faded and she stood up.

“WOO” She locked her arms over her head and twisted a bit, showing the healed skin through the hole in her shirt. “close one thar” She returned Vriska’s curious look with a grin. “clam down i just pinched a bit a health frond the grass neat trick right” She returned the grin and nodded.

“Definitely.”

“de- **fin** -itelly” She repeated, sounding out the syllables. “wwanna see somefin **reelly** coral”

“Sure.” She frowned at the pout the student gave her. “Uh…” She held her hands up in a shrug. “… **Shore**?” The wide smile returned.

“aw yeah” She spread her arms out, “cray so i just remembered i can do dis but i aint quite shore how also if it rips mah shirt up you owe me a new one”

“Deal!...How ripped up are we talking?”

 

000

 

“YOOOOO!!” Roxy kicked the door open and stomped out onto the roof. “shadowcat and jubilee wanna have a chat with the professor!”

“wwhoa hey” Eridan fixed a finger at himself. “wwhy am i jubilee i aint jubilee”

“u shoot light from ur hands rite?”

“yeah but i dont wwanna be jubilee howw about the scarlet wwitch”

“the scarlet witch doesnt do the same thing!”

“i **knoww** but-wwait wwheres kar” The man standing in the middle of the roof shrugged.

“I threw him off the building.”

“WWHAT” Eridan’s eyes bugged and he rushed over to the side.

“I believe Mr. Egbert picked him up though.”

“fuck” He peered over the edge, then turned to glare at the principal. Roxy joined him, gun held ready.

“you made some serious oopsies invitin us up here” She hefted the blue weapon. “git ready for a fresh can a-”Eridan held his hand in front of her face to cut her off. “wut?”

“rox hang on” She glanced over at him. He splayed his fingers out. “i…dont havve a wweapon”

“omg!” She groaned, trying to resist rolling her eyes. “eri u dont need a weapon just shoot it from ur hands or somethin like before!”

“no! thats not…thats wweird” He raised his finger, shooting their adversary a quick look as well. “hang on ivve got somethin gimme a second” He ducked his head, eyes darting through his sylladex.

“seriously?”

“Well,” Dr. Scratch clasped his hands behind him. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious.”

“got it!” Roxy’s bewilderment turned to disbelief when she saw the object he held up.

“eri…eri…” She lowered the gun and draped her hand over her forehead. “is that…is that the sonic screwdriver i gave you for christmas?”

“wwell yeah” He pointed it at the ground and hit the button, making the tip glow and a faint whirling noise to emit from the speakers. “number elevven that damn goofball” He raised it up in a fighting stance and a sharp grin crawled across his face. “’fraid its the end for this doctor” The man cocked his head to the side.

“You expect to beat me with a toy?”

“ITS A SCIENCE WWAND” He roared, slinging out a blast of white energy.

 

000

 

timaeusTestified began pestering tipsyGnostalgic.

 

TT: Roxy did you guys get out?

TT: Roxy?

 

timaeusTestified began pestering cladiusArtillery.

 

TT: Hey are you guys out?

TT: Guys come on.

 

timaeusTestified began pestering carcinoGeneticist.

 

TT: Hey.

CG: OKAY WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CONTACTING ME?

CG: CAN THIS WAIT UNTIL LITERALLY ANY OTHER TIME? I’M TRYING NOT TO PASS OUT FROM BLOOD LOSS HERE.

TT: What? What happened?

TT: Are Roxy and Eridan okay? They aren’t answering.

CG: OH FUCK RIGHT.

CG: THEY’RE PROBABLY UP ON THE ROOF DUKING IT OUT WITH THAT CRAZY PRINCIPAL.

CG: MORONS.

TT: This place is going become pretty damn uninhabitable soon. They don’t have time for that.

CG: YEAH I GET THAT.

CG: I CAN’T GET UP THERE THOUGH, SO DO ME A FAVOR AND DRAG THEIR ASSES OUT OF THE TIMEBOMB, OKAY?

CG: I’LL WORK ON GETTING EVERYONE ELSE CLEAR.

TT: Alright fine.

 

timaeusTestified ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist.

 

Dirk turned to Jake. “They’re on the roof. I’m not sure we’ll be able to get out in time. Are you sure-”

“Crystal clear.”

“Okay let’s go.”

 

000

 

“Hey Kanny!” Porrim caught sight of her friend’s bright red sweater and strode over. “Is everyo+ne o+ut?” He nodded.

“I 6elieve s9.”

“Go+o+d.” She flicked some oil off her chainsaw. “Have yo+u seen Rufio+h? I haven’t since the battle started.”

“N9t recently.”

“Maybe things go+t to+o+ ho+t fo+r him.” She shrugged, glancing around for her next metal victim. “It’s pro+bably-what the?!” A tremor ran through the ground, lasting several seconds before dying down. “Earthquake?”

“I…” Kankri crossed his arms, “I’m n9t sure…”

 

000

 

“shit” Eridan stumbled as the building rumbled. “wwhat the fuck wwas that?!” Roxy appeared behind the principal, but he disappeared before she could shoot. He reappeared near the edge and gave a small wave. Despite their efforts his suit wasn’t even scratched.

“it was probs the building gettin ready to explode”

“oh great” He fired another blast at the man. “should we cut and run?”

“ugh yeah maybe-” She yelped as their opponent teleported again and shoved her down from behind. He vanished again just as Eridan shot another bolt right for his head.

“fak” She growled, “can someone pull up a walkthrough or a cheat code 4 dis boss battle?”

“calm down rox” He trotted over to her, eyes darting around for another appearance. “hes only pretendin to knoww evverythin and it just so happens he can teleport wwe can get him”

“rite sure” She frowned at him. “u alright? ur lookin a bit uh, pale kinda? liek a diff shade a gray.”

“im fine” He grunted, “just aint exactly in prime condition right noww i could seriously use a na-shit!” They grabbed each other’s shoulders as the building shook again. “fuck rox i dont think wwe should be stickin around here”

“but…” She glanced over at the principal, who was standing near the exit.

“I suppose that’s enough for today.” He checked the a fancy watch clinging to his wrist. “I’m very impressed with both your abilities. I look forward to seeing how you improve next time we meet.” Roxy snatched a tight grip on Eridan’s arm.

“eri wait keep im talkin”

“uh” He pointed his sonic at him. “n…not if i end you noww” The man’s mouth twitched.

“Gusty as always, I see, but by now you must realize you can’t harm me. It’s not too hard to predict the actions of two teena…” He lead off, then slowly looked down to stare at the hole in his stomach.

“It’s not hard to predict what?” Dirk flickered into existence behind him. The hand he had shoved through the other’s torso sparked with a reddish mauve light. He yanked it sideways. A ball of red lightning clung to his fist before fading quickly.

“holy fuck” Eridan gaped as the body tumbled to the ground. “strider wwhat the **hell** did you just do”

“I might have ripped his soul from his body.” He shook his wrist out and nodded to Roxy. “Thanks for the cover.” She grinned and flashed him a thumbs up.

“no probs”

“Now can we please get the **fuck** out of here before-” There was a deafening boom, and the ground underneath them didn’t just shake, it buckled.

“shit shit shit!” Roxy stumbled backwards, feeling hot blasts of air as the roof started to crack and fall to pieces. She felt a cold hand clamp onto her arm, then the building under her feet burst apart and a shockware threw her into the air.

She felt Eridan yank them together, hissing a stream of swears as they soared through the air. Blinded by dust, she groped around until she found the hands locked around her stomach.

“eri-” They jarred to a stop, making her head slam into his chest with enough force to make him cough a bit. “oof! what the?” She blinked the dust from here eyes. The first thing she saw was her feet dangling above about a hundred feet of empty air. She gulped.

“eri?” She forced a breath of air through her lungs, “uff how r we-” Something sparkled on her arm. She squinted at it, “wtf is this purple glitter?”

“rox do me a favvor” He spoke clearly, but there were definite traces of panic in his voice. “do me a really quick favvor ok look ovver my shoulder for me”

“wut?” She glanced up at him. His glasses had been knocked off, and he had the face of someone very badly containing a complete freak out. “uh…” She twisted around and grabbed onto his shoulders, tugging herself up a bit to look behind him. She went rigid with surprise, then blinked rapidly.

“holy shit.”

“tell me my sight is really shit wwithout my glasses” He continued, “tell me im hallucinatin again please to god tell me theres a scientific logical explanati-”

“WINGS!” She shrieked right in his ear. “HOLY FUCK ERI YOU’VE GOT WINGS.”

“oh god no fuck no this makes no sense” He groaned. Roxy tentatively reached out to touch one of the translucent violet butterfly wings. Her hand came away smeared with more glitter. Eridan shuddered.

“i felt that”

“oh my gooood…” A fit of laughter bubbled out of her. “eri were **flyin**!”

“yes!”

“its magic!”

“its not magic!”

“ur liek a fairy!”

“im not a fairy!

“ur liek a butterfly!”

“im **not** a butterfly!”

“were flyin!”

“yes!”

“omg” She laughed again, wrapping her arms around his neck. “omg omg wat the fuck is goin on is this a troll thing?”

“i…dont…think…so?” His eyes flickered to the new appendages. “i mean i remember flyin but…i thought that was my lusus…shit i thought i remembered evverythin…”

“SHIT!” The glee on her face dropped into a look of horror. “dirk and jake! where…” Her head whipped around.

“call it a wwild guess…” The Seadweller shifted his hold on her to point. “but theyre probably in that stupid bright bubble ovver there” She looked up and caught sight of a large orb of light shining several yards away from them. Countless angels swirled around it, ducking in and out. Squinting, she could just make out a couple of human figures inside.

“MR ERIDAN!” Jake shouted at them from the center of the ball. He had a tight hold on Dirk and a rather triumphant looking grin. “IT APPEARS THAT MY ANGELS ARENT SUCH MADE UP HOGWASH AFTER ALL!”

“FUCK YOU ENGLISH!” He shouted back and flipped him off, though his grin betrayed his good spirits. “YOU LOOK STUPID AS HELL!”

“Said the dude with butterfly wings!” Dirk shouted back, one arm slung over the other boy’s neck.

“SHUT UP ILL FIGURE THAT OUT LATER!”

“Whatever.” He glanced down at the ground and whistled. “Thanks for saving me man.”

“My pleasure.” He chuckled, “This reminds me of a movie. Have any theories as to what sort of actions played out next?”

“Explosion? Floating together in the air?” He shifted himself a bit, “I guess they might have kissed. Or someone got dropped.” His glasses hummed.

“I have an almost 100% estimate that he was referencing something more along the lines of the first option.” Jake laughed.

“Perhaps.” He pinched the corner of the glasses and lifted them off. “Excuse me Hal.”

“oh my god” Eridan rolled his eyes and cupped his hand to his mouth. “GET A ROOM YOU TWWO!” They simultaneously flipped him off without breaking out of the kiss. “ugh hey rox i bet i can knock em outta the sky”

“wut ERI NO!” She smacked the side of his head.

“cmon” He pointed his sonic at them. “bet you ten bucks i can pop his stupid hope bubble.”

“eri put it down”

“but-”

“ERI IF I DIDNT THINK YOU COULD DO IT I WOULDNT BE TELLIN YA TO PUT THAT THING DOWN!”

“wwhatevver” He shoved the screwdriver back into his pocket. “hang on i gotta figure out wwhat this shit is uh…phone…wwheres my phone-oh fuckit” White glasses with the Aquarius symbol appeared on his face. “glad i grabbed these from my room this wway i can keep hold a ya anywways. call kar.” He paused, then started talking. “hey kar are you alright? ok good so can you explain the wwhole wwings thing? i totally forgot i can fly…yeah i said fly. thanks for mentionin it by the wway…wwings yeah. howw is this evven wworkin?...yeah im flyin right noww…howw high up?” He looked down. “uhh i dunno a hundred feet at least wwhy?...youll tell me later? wwhy…ok ok fine sheesh.” His glasses vanished again and he rolled his eyes. “wwhat a drama queen”

“so uh…” She peered at the small figures below. “howre we gonna get outta here before some droids decide to get us?”

“)(--EY FISHBAIT AND LIL AMPORA” They followed the voice to find Meenah gliding toward them, followed by Rufioh.

“you guys…” He stared at the wings on their backs. “are you…youre trolls??” Meenah cocked an eyebrow, then shrugged.

“uh yeah”

“guess so!” Rufioh grinned, flexing his orange wings. “1’ve got w1ngs…1 can’t bel1eve 1 forgot 1 had w1ngs!”

“uh yeah same”

“whale water you doin sittin around here” Meenah jerked her head. “just floatin around is gonna get you speared”

“right uh” He glanced at his wings, then down at the ground. “uh”

“ok wow you halibut got a clue how to work those do you”

“um”

“RUFIOH” She shoved him at the two. “yer on tugboat duty ill make shore the bots dont git any bright ideas”

“sure doll.” He came up to them and snagged Eridan’s elbow. “you’ll get the hang of th1s pretty soon…hey you know when we start turn1ng back 1nto l1ke…trolls and stuff?”

“right after your next examination”

“oh sh*t…” He laughed, “that was today…oops.”

“wwhat your blood color?” Roxy smacked him on the head. “oww rox wwhat”

“dats rude eri”

“is not”

“is 2”

“is not”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sonic Screwdriver = Science Wand. Get it? Get it? Ehhhhhh?? *shot*
> 
> They'll fix the Rose problem at some point. Return of the sprites!! Woot!
> 
> Dirk telling Jake to split up was supposed to be a metaphor for like, him trying to work more with Jake's comforts. Jake's reaction is then his own attempts to yeah whatever forget it. 
> 
> Almost done! Just a couple more chapters or so!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gamzee goes to see what's going on, Jane and John get some inheritance, and everything might just end up okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm kinda late guys. This is the last chapter, but I'm planning to add an epilogue, as well as maybe some extra chapters that aren't in the main story.
> 
> Armen Renaud is AR, the Armed Renegade.

Gamzee wandered through the front gates of the school. He gave the droids zooming over his head a curious look before deciding to see what that smoldering building was all about.

“WWHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY AINT NORMAL?!” A loud shriek turned his attention off to the side. That sounded like his fish brother. More yelling indicated he was up and having a conversation with his own motherfucking moirail.

“HeY MoThErFuCkErS.” Gamzee slid over and papped Karkat on the shoulder, noticing he had a small bandage on the side of his neck. “yOu nEeD To gEt yOuR ChIlL On. HoW BoUt iT?”

“WHAT THE!?” The troll jumped back and gave him a dumbstruck stare before quickly switching into a snarl. “GAMZEE I TOLD YOU TO STAY HOME!!!”

“ChIlL My bEsT FrIeNd.” He repeated, “i jUsT CoUlDn’t sToP GeTtInG My wOrRy aLl oN, aLrIgHt?” He waved his hand at Eridan. “WhAt mIrAcLe hIt oUr gOoD BrOtHeR ErIdAn?”

“THAT IS AN *EXCELLENT* FUCKING QUESTION!!” Karkat flung his arms out at the wings on his back. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE!? BECAUSE WE SURE AS HELL DON’T HAVE THEM!!”

“HOWW SHOULD I KNOWW?!” He batted at one and winced. “mee and ruf had em!”

“BLAME THE SCHOOL THEN.” He huffed and crossed his arms. “GUESS I’M NOT THE ONLY FREAK ANYMORE.”

“wwhoa wwhoa WHOA!” He wave his hands to cut him off. “ok FIRST of all this is gentic modification or some shit it aint the same as your candy red fin” The troll stayed firm in his stance.

“IT’S STILL A MUTATION.”

“fuck you and SECOND of all-hang on” He grabbed Gamzee by the collar and swung him around just in time for him to block an oncoming blast of Rage aspect. “SECOND of all im totally ovver your-”

“DID YOU JUST USE GAMZEE AS A SHIELD!?!?” He shrugged and released him.

“hell be fine it wwont do anyfin probably”

“PROBABLY!?!?”

“kar chill hes not gonna die or…” He paused then glanced over his shoulder, “wwait wwheres he goin?”

“GAMZEE!” Karkat shrieked after him, “DON’T RUN THAT WAY FOR FUCK’S SAKE THOSE ROBOTS AREN’T FRIENDLY THEY WILL HAVE NO QUALMS OVER*MURDERING* YOU!! GET THE FUCK BA-” The next words in his mouth promptly fucked off, interrupted by the crash of crumpling metal.

“uh” Eridan’s eyes widened as the crashing continued. “wwoww ok thats” They stood together in silence for a few seconds. A shard of metal whistled over their head. “wwell then”

“ERRRRIIIIIIIDAAAAAAN…” Karkat growled low in his throat as he turned to face him. “YOU BETTER-” He winced as a deafening roar shook the air. “YOU *BETTER* BE ABLE TO FIX THAT!!”

“wwhale i could…” He shrugged and held up his sonic. “i could shoot him that might wwork”

“NO! THAT IS NOT A SOLUTION! CALM HIM DOWN WITHOUT VIOLENCE!”

“uh…” He scratched his nose. “i dunno kar hes your moirail right?” He gulped another crash announced the death of another robot.

“OH HELL NO.” Karkat jabbed his finger at him. “YOU DID THIS!”

“cmon kar dont go foistin your moirail duties on some prick am i right? He hopped backwards and gave him a salute with two fingers. “im gonna go trash the rest a the bots sea ya”

“ERIDAN GET YOUR PAILFUCKING ASS BACK HERE!” He yelped as the head of a droid smashed into the ground near his feet. “OH GOD…”

 

000

 

“rose!?” John glided up to where his friend hung frozen in the air. “uh…are you ok??” He skirted around the shadows that billowed around her. “rose! can you hear me?!” Her head moved the tiniest bit toward him. “uh, hi!” He waved, “there aren’t a ton of droids left so i think you can turn your um…thing off.” He kicked at one of the dark tendrils. “this thing…? can you uh, turn it off? maybe i should get karkat or somethi-whoa!” He yelped as one of the shadows wrapped around his ankle and yanked him down. Flipping backwards, he saw a droid charging over him. The darkness burst forth to set upon it and by the time he righted himself it had been smashed to pieces.

“oh wow…” He floated to the ground. “that was clo-”

“John!” He looked up to see Jane, who pointed with her trident behind him. “Head’s up!” He spun around to see another oncoming bot. One of it’s arms was missing, but the other remained perfectly deadly. He swallowed and raised his hands to face it.

The loud drone of a chainsaw cut the air and the robot burst apart as Kanaya leapt past it from behind, sweeping her weapon through its abdomen. She landed neatly on her heel and, seeing no more droids in the vicinity, sheathed her chainsaw back into lipstick.

“kanaya?” John blinked, then flipped his glasses up to make sure they weren’t playing tricks on him. “i heard you died! are you uh, are you glowing? is that normal? is this a troll th-” She raised her hand to stop his questioning. Her head was tilted back to watch Rose slowly descending toward the ground. Her feet touched down on the soft grass in front of the other. They stared at each other, a human girl coated in darkness and a troll shining bright white.

“Well” Kanaya scratched her nose, then rubbed off a bit of the remaining jade blood off her cheek. “Could This In Human Culture Be Considered An Awkward Situation Because In Troll Culture We Could Consider This A Somewhat Awkward Situation”

“Excuse me!” Rose turned her head to the noise, but her eyes stayed on Kanaya for several seconds more, confusion and disbelief warring on his face. “Excuse me!” She finally shifted her gaze to find Aranea walking toward her. Her hands were raised to eye-level and glowed with golden light.

“No need to 8e anxious.” She spoke gently as she approached. “Just stay right there if you may.” She slowly brought her palms forward to press against the sides of Rose’s head. “Close your eyes and relax. I should 8e a8le to just…” Rose winced and shut her eyes as a warm tingling feeling rushed through her skull and down her body. After a few seconds it faded. She blinked, then looked down at her hands, finding her skin had returned to its normal color. She raised her head to look back at Kanaya. In the back of her mind she was aware that Aranea had launched into some explanation about healing by returning her Light and some further background information but she could not for the life of her pay attention to it.

“…Kanaya.” She croaked, “Kanaya I…I’m sorry I just…” The troll pulled her into a hug.

“Its Alright” She murmured, stroking her hair. “For Now Everything Is Alright”

“I thought…” She swallowed, “I thought you were…”

“I Was” Rose leaned back to study her glowing face.

“And now…?”

“Now I Suppose I Am Something Similar To The Vampires Of Your Culture”

“…Oh.” She returned to resting her head against the other’s chest. “I think I can live with that.” Kanaya smiled and ruffled her hair.

“That Is Quite A Relief To Me”Dave glided by on his skateboard and called out to them.

“still a better love story than twilight!”

“Note to self:” Rose muttered, “Become an only child.”

 

000

 

“OKAY. ALRIGHT THEN.” Karkat stomped across the grass, dragging Gamzee with him. The clown stumbled along with his moirail’s fast pace, holding a smoking joint between two fingers. “ONE CALM CLOWN, CHECK.” He whipped his head to the right and spotted Nepeta waving at him. Equius was nearby with Horuss, guarding a group of grazing horses. “CRAZY CATGIRL, SWEATY DOUCHEBAG, CHECK.” He spotted Tavros on one of the horses. “CHECK.” He jerked his head to the left. Meenah was showing Vriska one of her piercings. Terezi was stabbing a fallen droid a couple more times either out of caution or for fun. “CHECK. CHECK.”

“hey kk.” Sollux and Aradia landed in front of him. “that look2 liike the la2t of them.”

“ALRIGHT GOOD. WHERE’S FEFERI?”

“shes running around with some medical stuff!” Aradia grinned, “she wants to make sure no one died or anything!”

“I’D LIKE TO KNOW THAT TOO. OR AT THE VERY LEAST THAT EVERYONE WHO *DID* DIE CAME BACK TO LIFE.” He twisted around and caught site of a large group heading toward them.

“hey” Dave raised his hand in greeting. “sup i guess all the bots are toast now”

“whew!” John spun a fedora around on his finger. “im beat!” He tossed the hat like a frisbee. Karkat watched the wind carry it through the air until it was caught by the boy’s father, who put it back on and flashed him a thumbs up.

“JOHN, JANE, YOUR LUSUS GETS CHOCOLATE SQUARE POINTS FOR ADAPTABILITY.” He noticed Kanaya and Rose. The two had their arms wrapped around each other’s waists and seemed lost in some mutual thought. “SO UH, KANAYA…UM…” The Jade troll looked down at something in her hand. He stepped closer and realized it was some shards from the Matriorb. “OH FUCK…”

“Its Gone” She spoke in a quiet monotone. “I Dont” Her fingers closed around the shards. “I Dont Know How To” Rose squeezed her gently. The others fell into silence.

“hey guys” Eridan dropped to the ground beside them. Roxy let go of him and spun around a bit to stretch. He sat down on the grass and his wings folded in to vanish into his back. “i think i got the hang a this noww has anyone seen” He caught the glare Karkat was giving him. “wwhat?”

“uh…” Roxy plopped down beside the Seadweller. Her eyes lit up with concern at the dismal mood. “wat happened did someone die?”

“IT’S THE MATRIORB.” Karkat grumbled, “IT’S…GONE. IT GOT DESTROYED.”

“the wut?”

“uh” Eridan coughed and put his hand on her shoulder. “its the egg fin rox remember the spiky egg fin”

“oh…” Her eyes widened. “OH…” Her eyes flickered over to Kanaya. “uh rite rite it…got busted?”

“YEAH, AND IT WAS KIND OF IMPORTANT.” The troll dug his hands into his pockets. “THAT WAS HOW WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING OUR RACE BACK. FROM EXTINCTION. AND SHIT I DON’T WANT TO BE TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.”

“rite uh” She scratched her cheek and fixed her face into a somber look. “rite sorry…bout…that…”

The silence returned. Aranea clasped her hands together and pressed her lips shut. Dave crossed his arms and stared at the ground. John and Jane exchanged an unsure but upset look while their dad, despite probably not having a clue what was going on, took off his hat and pressed it to his chest. Karkat heaved a sigh. He needed to find the rest of the group. He needed to make sure everything turned out alright. But it was hard to find the motivation with extinction looming in his future.

Then he heard someone giggle.

“WHAT?” His head jerked up to meet a few other confused faces. The giggling intensified into full on laughter and he jerked his head to snarl at the source. His jaw dropped in disbelief when he found that Eridan and Roxy had for some reason dissolved into hysterics.

“oh my god” Eridan smacked his hand over his mouth and batted at Roxy’s shoulder. “rox rox s- stop wwe look like such assholes”

“’s not my fault!” She gasped, “u started first! i was doin fine!”

“forget it” He grit his teeth in an attempt to snarl away his grin and ducked his head. “just just-pffhaha-rox givve it i swwear to cod shell kill us quick showw em ‘fore she kills us”

“rite k” She sucked in a breath of air then raised her hand. A bottle appeared in her hand. “uh ok eri sorry if this hurts” She smashed against his horns. A perfect replica of the Matriorb popped out, which she caught and held out to Kanaya. “did it look like this?”

The Jade troll stood speechless and staring, so Karkat jumped in with the obvious question.

“WHAT THE ***FUCK***?!?!” He flailed his arms at the object. “IS THAT?! NO WAY!? WHY IS IT!? HOW?!!?”

“ok ok i can explain” She balanced it on one hand and waved her other in the air. “so liek awhile ago b4 the battle eri and i were on the roof and i was tryin to summon shit w/ my totes kewl voidy powers but we couldnt think a anythin to summon so im liek “hey how bout that egg thing” and eris liek “wwhat wwhy wwould you wwwwwanna do that” and IM liek-” She broke off as Kanaya strode over, then gently lifted the orb off her hand. She ran her fingers over the surface and tested the horns, counting and examining them like she had so many times before.

“This Is Impossible” She stated, despite holding onto the egg like it was the last real thing on the planet. “Even If You Had The Power To Conjure Objects Into Reality You Could Not Possibly Create Something So Inticate As The Matriorb On A Whim And At The Very Least Without A Detailed Description”

“weeeeell” Roxy smirked and nudged her friend, who paused in picking glass out of his hair to notice all eyes were on him.

“wwell yeah” He shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly very interested in the sky. “but sea for one fin rox is amazin and for another” He turned a little violet around his cheeks. “maybe doin impossible shit like this is a little easier wwhen youd happened to havve done a little scientific research on the object such as recordin the wweight size texture and takin like half a dozen pictures…” He sighed, “ok remember wwhen wwe thought it wwas a bomb?”

“When You Thought It Was A Bomb”

“fine wwhen **i** thought it was a bomb wwell wwe kept the files ok no reason to get rid a some perfectly nice scientific observations and wwe decided since wwe had them wwe might as wwell yknoww” He shrugged again, “use them to help rox practice?”

“YOU DECIDED TO SUMMON A MATRIORB FOR *PRACTICE*.”

“her idea” He pointed at Roxy, who just laughed.

“but ya anyways if it turns out it doesnt work i can always try again just lemme know k?” She cocked her head a bit as Kanaya continued to stare at her. “…k?” Despite the pointy texture, she hugged the egg to her chest.

“I Have Come To The Conclusion That Your DNA Must Possess Some Sort Of Gene For A Higher Being”

“…thnks?”

“translation” Dave smirked and fixed his glasses, “lalondes are goddesses” He kicked his skateboard into his hand. “and i guess i am too if im related to rose i mean she probably didnt mean me but hey ill take that indirect compliment like im some second cousin three times removed greedy for some hella sweet inheritance fuck yeah striders are gods the alien girl said it”

“dave!” John jabbed him in the arm. “cut it out!”

“Ahoy!” They looked up as Jake and Jade glided down toward them. He touched down with a puff of white light that made Eridan sneeze. “Is this where we have decided to gather ourselves up?”

“APPARENTLY SO. WHERE’S DIRK?”

“He asked me to drop him off at the heart dorm.” He shrugged, “I guess he wanted to get something.”

“i haven’t seen any of the scientists.” Jade sniffed the air a bit. “i think they ran off already. there are some teachers, but from what i can tell they had no idea what was going on. also,” She pointed at one of the gates. “now that everything’s died down the students are coming back.”

Karkat followed her finger to find that there was indeed a large crowd coming through. He groaned.

“OH WONDERFUL. THE LAST THING I NEED IS A BUNCH OF CONFUSED STUDENTS WANDERING AROUND. CAN SOMEONE ROUND THEM UP?”

“Chill I’m on it.” He spun around. Dirk was walking toward them. Slung over his shoulder was a long pole with the Heart Dorm flag tied to the end.

“Good golly!” Jake chuckled, “Did you swipe that right off the building?”

“Sure did.” He swung the banner in a wide arc and walked off. “Hey! Heart students meet over here! Heart Dorm! Over here!”

“that’s a great idea!” Jade floated up into the air again. “i’m going to go grab the space flag! see ya!”

“ALRIGHT. DON’T-” He cringed as a far too familiar whistle blast hit him. He turn to glare at Kankri, who was waving his arms to gather attention.

“Please gather with your respective d9rms! 6l99d D9rm, please meet around me!”

“He’s wasting his breath, as usual.” Porrim walked up to join Karkat, arms crossed. “The Blo+o+d do+rm will pro+bably just gather aro+und each o+ther o+n their o+wn. Rufio+h has the Breath Do+rm handled, by the way.” She pointed up at the boy flying in a figure 8, Breath flag billowing behind him.

Rose crossed her arms, eyes sliding over to Dave. “You should probably try and gather up the Time students.” He flicked himself around to face her.

“what me why?”

“You’re a Time student, aren’t you? I suppose you could see if Damara is interested in leading.”

“well ok you got me there so are you gonna go find all your light friends?” She tilted her head back and blew a lock of hair out of her face.

“We have actually already decided on a muster point in case of an emergency. I should head there.”

“yo!” Latula screeched in on her skateboard. “i h34rd w3’r3 g4th3ri1ng up by dorm? w3’ll h3lp out w1th th4t!” Karkat cocked an eyebrow at her.

“BY “WE” I HOPE YOU DON’T MEAN…”

“W33W00W33W00W3333333W00000!” Mituna ran across the grass, waving a red and blue tinted flashlight in each hand. Latula grinned at the sight.

“th4t’s gr34t hon3y! just h34d tow4rd th3 doom muster po1nt!”

“0K47!!” She turned to wink at Karkat.

“1’ll h4v3 th3 m1nd stud3nts m33t n34r th4t st4tu3 ov3r th3r3 k?” Before he could answer she was gliding off down the path.

“OKAY SO HOW ABOUT…” He turned to look at Eridan and Jake. “YOURS?”

“Leave it to me!” Jake clapped his hands together. White fire blazed up around his arms, which he hurled upwards. A geyser of light shot up into the sky and exploded like a firework to form the Hope symbol, complete with a crackling aftereffect. He looked back at Karkat with a wide grin. “Hope dorms meeting here! If it so pleases you!”

“flashy” Eridan grunted, which the other seemed to only take as a compliment.

“YO!” The Cancer troll spotted Meenah and Feferi walking across the lawn. The older girl had tied a light green cloth around her trident. “ANY SUCKAS IN THA LIF--E HOUS--E B—ETT--ER GIT TH—EIR BASS—ES OV—ER HERE!”

“WELL ALRIGHT THEN. WHAT OTHER HOUSES ARE THERE?” Eridan jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

“rox already wwent off to gather up the vvoid students.”

“THAT LEAVES?” His mouth twitched.

“rage. good luck wwith that” Jake laughed nervously.

“Hoo boy golly. Youre going to need quite a pinch of luck with that one.”

“maybe if you dug a pit…” Eridan twirled his finger at the ground. “and put dowwn a sign that said “fight me” or somefin…hey!” His eyes lit up. “lets throww english dowwn there as bait too!”

“HOW ABOUT NO?” Karkat rolled his eyes as Jake jabbed the other Hope student in the ribs. “WHO’S IN IT?” The remaining students glanced amongst themselves. Several shrugged and shook their heads. “OKAY I GET IT.” He spun around and cupped his hands to his mouth, screaming even louder than usual. “HEY EVERYONE!! GET YOUR NOSES OUT OF YOUR NOOKS AND LISTEN UP! I NEED A FUCKING RAGE STUDENT!! HELLO?! ANY LOSERS OUT THERE WHO ARE FROM THE RAGE DORM??! THIS ISN’T A TEST HERE!”

Someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around to find a tall, vaguely familiar student with messy long hair waving at him.

“WHO ARE YOU?” He answered with several fast signs with one hand, then held up a student ID, showing he was from the Rage Dorm. “OH RIGHT. YOU’RE THAT GUY WHO DOESN’T TALK. I LIKE YOU ALREADY.” He jabbed his finger at the crowd. “GO ROUND UP ALL THE BULGELICKERS IN YOUR DORM AND TRY TO KEEP THEM THAT WAY.” The student flashed him a thumbs up and nodded before running off. “IS THAT EVERYONE?” Eridan screwed his face up in thought.

“think so”

“GOOD.” He huffed and sat down. “GIVE ME A MINUTE.” He sat back and watched as the groups gradually coalesced together. A boy in a fedora was sitting a bit away from the Rage group, offering a girl some scotty dogs. Another kid was drawing on the sidewalk with chalk.

“Armen Renaud?” Jane walked along beside the girl with the shopping cart, reading out from a list. “A. Renaud from the Blood house! Have you taken your allergy medication? Horuss Zahhak from the Void House, are you here? Everyone, we have insulin if you need it!”

“Attention everyone!” Aranea called out to the crowds. “If I could have everyone’s attention please?”

“)(-----EY!!” Meenah roared, slamming her trident into the ground. “YOU FUCK—ERS LIST—EN UP!!” The noise dropped to a faint murmur as the majority turned to look at the commotion.

“Th…ank you Meenah. Ahem!” She spread her arms out and started to walk through the crowds. “I’m sure all of you are are very shaken up over everything. Some of you may want to contact your parents. Other might 8e recalling you don’t have any, and that you might not even 8e human. This is all quite all right for the present situation. If you’ll 8ear with me I’ll try my 8est to explain…”

“I’LL LET HER DEAL WITH THAT.” Karkat waved his hand, summoning his group over. “PLANNING SESSION. WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO NOW?”

“Everyone’s been accounted for. It’s a small school. About 40 people a dorm.” Dirk shrugged. “So that’s around 480 people we are now basically in charge of. Also the police are here. Naturally. They want to talk to someone.”

“TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF.”

“Hey may8e we should just…” Vriska waved her hand. “Can’t we dump some of these losers in their hands?”

“TEMPTING, BUT AT THIS POINT I DOUBT THE MAJORITY OF THEM ARE EVEN HUMAN. NOT TO MENTION THEY PROBABLY HAVE SOME OF THAT WEIRD SHIT LIKE…” He made a vague gesture to Eridan, who scowled at him. “WE’RE AT LEAST A LITTLE MORE PREPARED FOR THIS.”

“True but…” Dirk rubbed his chin. “How the Hell are we going to support some 500 students?” His glasses dinged. “Goddamnit.”

 

TT: I might have a solution to that.

TT: Of course you do.

TT: This was a private school, though obviously the parents weren’t paying tuition fees.

TT: As it turns out, while in the computers I realized they had significant holdings elsewhere, which funded them.

TT: Significant holdings?

TT: Ever heard of Betty Crocker?

TT: You gotta be kidding me.

TT: It would seem so, wouldn’t it?

TT: An innocent baking company, secretly owned and funding illegal experimentation.

TT: The company itself probably doesn’t even know.

TT: Anyways, I might have taken a few liberties in that computer.

TT: Mainly I decided to transfer ownership of the holdings to Jane’s Dad, since he’s the only legal adult here.

TT: He probably assumes it was some glitch or prank. I’ll leave it up to you to explain it.

TT: You’re serious.

TT: Indeed. I got the school’s bank password too.

TT: So you should have plenty of funds to make me a body.

 

Dirk groaned, pressing the heel of his hand to his forehead. “Right right. Whatever.” He turned to the rest of the group. “So Hal took care of the financial issues at the very least. The rest we can probably fix by hacking some custody files and maybe a few dozen bribes.”

“ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?”

“yo!” Roxy popped up and slung her arm around Dirk’s neck. She grinned and flashed a peace sign. “leave it 2 us! weve got tha haxs down tight! so damn tight tighter than ur shoelaces! tighter than dirks fuckin ass!” The Heart student’s eyebrow twitched and he nudged her off.

“We’ll take care of it.”

“FINE. SO…” He waved his hand at the rest of the kids. “WHAT ABOUT ALL THESE ASSHOLES? CAN WE JUST SEND THEM TO THEIR ROOMS FOR NOW? PLEASE?”

“If you asked Aranea…” Vriska started thoughtfully. Rose cleared her throat loudly.

“ **Preferably** without the use of mind control.” The troll just huffed and rolled her eyes.

“guys” Dave raised his hands and grinned. “party”

“I WANT A SERIOUS SOLUTION, ASSHOLE.”

“come on man” He gestured to the nearest pile of wrecked metal. “we just slayed a fuckin robot **army** ”

“He has a point.” Dirk nodded faintly, “A party would keep the rest of the students occupied. Plus we need to feed them anyways. Then they’ll get tired out and probably hit the hay.” Kanaya gave him a skeptical look.

“Will That Really Work”

“Students like parties. Why not? We can’t expect them to just sit around like nothing happened.”

“sweeeet” Dave snapped his fingers. “i call dj no wait fuck jade get your bass we can make this shit live anyone got speakers”

“Ill give the place the old razzel dazzle!” Jake wiggled his fingers, making light spark across them. Jane chuckled.

“I’ll help whip up some food! But it’s a big job so I can’t do it alone…” Eridan shrugged.

“ill help i guess if it gets me off lights duty”

“OH NO.” Karkat smacked his hand over the other troll’s chest. “I REFUSE TO BELIEVE ONE THING THIS SCHOOL TAUGHT YOU WAS HOW TO MAKE DECENT FOODSTUFFS. MAGIC POWERS ARE ONE THING. COOKING HELL NO.”

“ex **cuse** me” He protested, “wwho says i cant cook i didnt take a class but i got tips from jane i can cook fine” He whipped his head to look at Dirk nearby. “right?”

“What?” He looked up, then blinked slowly. “Oh uh, yeah sure.” He nodded a bit, then quickly switched to rapid headshaking and some meaningful gestures with his hands as soon as the Seadweller turned away.

“see?”

“UH YEAH.” His eyes flickered to where Roxy was giving him an awkward look and a faint headshake. “I SEE. WHY DON’T YOU WORK ON DRINKS INSTEAD?”

“yooo whats dis” Meenah slid in. “i heard somefin bout a party”

“WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?”

“whale” A wide grin split her face. “we partyin or not”

“WELL I GUESS WE WERE PLANNING SOME KIND OF-”

“AW---ESOME” She bounced up again and sprinted over to where Aranea was still lecturing.

“IN OTH---ER WORDS!!” She slung an arm around her friend and spun them around, not caring at what part she had interrupted. “ITS PARTY TID—E”

“Meenah **what**!?”

There was a bit of a pause, then a somewhat confused but nevertheless enthusiastic cheer ran through the crowd. It grew in volume and soon the air buzzed with questions and plans.

“DATS RIGHT!” Meenah shouted over the din, “SO GIT YOUR BASS--ES R--EADY” She made a chopping motion with her hand. “DISMISS—ED” The groups broke up. Most headed toward their dorms to get clothes or other stuff for the party, while a few even came up to Aranea for follow-up questions, much to her delight.

“Well then.” Rose leaned her head against Kanaya’s shoulder. “She certainly has a way with…shouting.”

“Hm” Kanaya glanced down at her torn and blood-soaked clothes. “Im Going To Change”

“D--> Perhaps we can set something up with the hoofbeasts”

“Oh hEy mAn i’m gOnNa gEt sOmE Of mY MoThErFuCkIn wIcKeD ElIxEr aNd bRoWnIeS.”

“JUST GET SOME FOR YOURSELF.” Karkat grumbled. He lay back on his elbows. He was pretty sure several types of Hell were going to come forward soon to tackle him. The police were probably still out there. There was the staff that had escaped. Eridan was a butterfly, along with some other students. Kanaya was glowing. A building had just exploded and the top half of it was basically rubble. His supervision count had just increased by 500.

But hey. He was alive. His friends were alive. The droids were dead. So maybe things would be okay for one night.

 

000

 

“hey rox” Eridan nudged the door open and walked out onto the Void Dorm roof. He had a cup of soda in each hand. “i got the drinks are you here”

“yo over here!” The sun had mostly set, but he could still spot her sitting on the edge with her back to him. Her shoulders were hunched up to indicate she was concentrating on something. “why didnt u just fly up?”

“im tired a flyin and i still dont even know how it wworks” He sat down next to her, “plus ivve already had like 8 people askin to see my wwings so it can kinda make a guy reluctant” He pointed to a small booth down near the main party. They could just make out Aranea surrounded by a group of students. Her light blue wings shimmered in the dim light as she gestured and talked. “and sides ar is already showwin them so i dont see wwhy theyre botherin me about it”

“urs r prettier”

He made some faint grumbling noise and put the cups down between them.

“wwater you doin up here anywwavves you lovve parties”

“i wanted to concentrate on this” He glanced over. She had her hands clasped tight one over the other.

“wwater you tryin to get?”

“its a surprise” He shrugged and took a sip of his own drink, gaze moving to watch the party.

“aww fuck” He grimaced. “theyre playin high school nevver ends again no fuckin taste i swwear to god” She giggled.

“hush it aint so bad”

“pff they might as wwhale play tires screechin”

“did u put in a request?”

“yeah i gavve them some songs that wwerent pure trash but strider just kinda pulled his shades dowwn to look ovver the rims at me i guess i offended his cool ironic tastes”

“lol” She frowned and peeked through a crack in her fingers. “aw eri this aint werkin at all gimme a hand here”

“howw am i supposed to help” She glared at him, then gave a dramatic eyeroll and sighed heavily.

“eriiiii” She shoved her closed hands at him. “give. me. a. HAND.” He stared at her for a few seconds, then laid his hand over hers. “perf”

“rox this aint gonna help shit”

“shhhh” She squeezed her eyes shut. “close ur eyes”

“rox-”

“close em!”

He grumbled a bit more and shut his eyes.

“they closed?”

“yes”

“gooood” She started humming. Eridan’s curiousity kept him from complaining further. “mmmmMMMM-POW!!” She jerked her hands up, peered into her palm, then grinned. “success!”

“wwhat” She held out something small and twisted it a bit so the faint light glinted off the surface. He fixed his glasses and squinted at it.

“youre makin gems?”

“jus this!” She held it in front of her eye. “i told ya once i always wanted a pink diamond”

“congrats but dont go tellin people you can do that” He nudged her, “unless you wwant me slayin evvery droolin treasure huntin peasant that comes your wway” She laughed.

“omg eriiii” She glanced back at the party. “oh lookie rose and dave are playin now”

“huh” He leaned forward a bit to watch them up on the makeshift stage. “its a little better i guess wwho wwould havve thought a violin and a synthesizer could sound halfway decent”

“ya its pretty neat” She carefully put the jewel next to the cups. “u think its real?”

“wwhats real”

“a real pink diamond” He tossed his shoulders up in a shrug.

“howw should i knoww scratch it against somefin hard and see if it breaks”

“ill scratch it against ur head” She yawned and leaned back. “omg cant believe half the shit we went thru this year”

“got that right”

“im bffs wwith an alien!”

“so am i”

“i can turn invisible!”

“ivve got wwings”

“we fought robots!”

“and killed the principal” She groaned and covered her eyes.

“and we still never got a fuckin date” Eridan winced.

“nope not evven close”

“fak” She sat up. “dirks wi jake and feffys with that 3d kid and here we are sittin on a roof with some shitty soda” She sighed and her friend patted her on the shoulder. “well im happy for em if theyre happy”

“the assholes wwould be fawwnin all ovver ya if they had any common sense”

“meh” She chewewd on her lip, then sat up. “yo eri”

“yeah”

“soooo the school blew up, u died for a bit, buncha people r aliens, ive got kids, and yet were still two nerds chillin with each other and talkin bout stupid shit”

“guess so yeah”

“so should we liek…” She waved her hand out in front of her. “be official or somethin?” The troll make some sort of sputtering choke, then tried to pass it off as a cough.

“official wwhat”

“uhhh…that…thing? monorail or somethin? palefriend?”

“its moirail” He muttered,

“whatever! everyone already says were basically it and it seems pretty kewl so why not?”

“uhh…” He cleared his throat, sat in silence for a bit, then sucked in a breath of air.

“rox…” He started carefully, “im… He brought his hands together. “not…the best at moirallegiance ok…im not sure you really wwanna try gettin into that”

“weeeeellllll…” She tilted her head back to watch the stars. “its tru im not exactly sure wat its liek i asked nepeta bout it so i sorta get it” She ran her finger over the concrete. “it sounds kewl and fun and i guess i could be wrong but im pretty sure its wat weve been doin this whole time anyways”

“i guess but” He swallowed, “i dunno rox im such a fuckin handful youd really wwanna be the one to wwade around in my drama and issues”

“omg eri cmon” She smacked her fist against his shoulder. “yes ur a handful but ur **my** handful and yknow wat im a handful too so lets go be together and make someone drop all their shit on the floor k?”

“but…”

“would it be that diff? from what weve got right now?”

“well no i guess not” He admitted. “i just…im gonna fuck it up i know it”

“pff nah cmon” She held her drink up, “give it a try?”

“wwell…” He scratched his cheek, then ducked his head. “its not like i can actually say **no** can i?” He raised his own cup. “rox do you wwanna be the poor sap that keeps me outta jail and chats wwith me ovver our other shitty quadrants?” She giggled.

“ya u wanna be thar to make me a cocktail when some other hot boy dumps me?”

“rox if some guy dumps you id bring you his **head** ”

“well work out the details later” She tapped the beverages together. “cheers!”

“cheers” He couldn’t resist the corner of his mouth from turning upward. “oh my god rox were gonna be murder together”

“u bet ur lil fishy ass we are”

“hang on” He brought out his sonic. “might as wwhale commemorate the evvent” He point it at the sky and shot a stream of white light. It exploded into a dazzling display of white and pale yellow wide enough to cover the entire campus. Some loud shrieks and exclamations of awe could be heard from below.

“wow eri” She gaped at the fading lights. “that was huge!” He shrugged.

“maybe im feelin a bit more hopeful than usual”

Another streak of energy flew up from somewhere in the crowds. When it reached the sky it exploded to form some sort of skull shape.

“IS THAT A CHALLENGE ENGLISH?” He roared, waving his wand at the sky. Roxy burst into laughter.

“dont go crazy k?” He was already lining up another shot. He felt his lips again curving into a smile at her words.

“shore rox”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “u think its real?”  
> “wwhats real”  
> “a real pink diamond”  
> “howw should i knoww scratch it against somefin hard and see if it breaks”
> 
> You know it's indulgence writing when Eridan lives, god tiers, and ends up playing some role in the resurrection of the Matriorb.
> 
> Welp that's the end. It's kinda waaaay too happy for a homestuck fic, but oh well. THANK YOU EVERYONE SOOOOO MUCH FOR STICKING WITH ME FOR OVER 100K WORDS OF WRITING HOLY SHIT!!!! OTL I just feel like I should hug anyone who bothered to go through every chapter. And it really touched me to see people really enjoying it. TuT Keep an eye out for the epilogue and extras which might be in this story or bundled up as a sequel I'm not sure.
> 
> I'd like to specially thank a few people. ciTohCysP and and Mistystarshine for ALL THE COMMENTS YOU LEFT OH MY GOD. They were wonderful and made me so happy. Also lots of thanks for my friend who doesn't have an AO3 account but he read every chapter and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have finished this without his support and excitement so thank you so much friend I hope you like this chapter.
> 
> That's...pretty much it! Thank you everyone who read this you are awesome every one of you! \\(^_^)/


	27. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hal gets a body, Eridan is babysitting, and the puppet is not to be trusted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early chapter because I can't post this Saturday! Just to see what they decided to do after that. The school is still around. There's some new staff. John and Jane have moved closer. Their dad owns it despite having no idea how to run it. Yet somehow it's still working.

One Year Later…

 

“OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!” Karkat shoved through a group of students hanging out on the pathway. “SEE HOW THE GROUND BENEATH YOUR FEET HAS NO GRASS? THAT MEANS IT’S FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY HAVE TO *GET* SOMEWHERE.”

“ChIlL BeSt fRiEnD.” Gamzee shambled on behind him. “wE’Ll gEt wHeRe wE NeEd tO Be iN AlL ThAt mOtHeRfUcKiNg tImE.”

“h3y bro!” Latula glided past them on her skateboard. “no push1ng alr1ght?” He mumbled some obscenity at her under his breath, which she probably heard given his volume level.

Despite the apparent hurry, the troll paused to glance up at the main building. The bottom part hadn’t actually sustained much damage, and they had cleared out most of the rubble (and hopefully all the dangerous and unstable substances) from the top.

“hey karkat!” He turned around. John landed in front of him. “dirk was looking for you!”

“TELL HIM TO STOP BEING AN IMPATIENT PIECE OF SHIT. WE’VE GOT THE STUPID PARTS HE COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO FIND HIMSELF.”

“cool! come on!” He bounced on to run ahead of them toward the Heart Dorm. Karkat rolled his eyes and followed.

“Hey.” Dirk looked up at they approached. He was against the wall kneeling over a mess of robotics and metal. For some reason Cal was with him, looped around his shoulders as casually as one could have a disturbing puppet clinging to one’s back. Equius was beside him, focused on some small bit of machinery. “You got the stuff?”

“HERE.” He heaved a large box out of his sylladex and tossed it to the ground, making the contents crash together.

“Careful man.” He grabbed the rim and dragged it toward him. “Some of this shit is fragile.”

“SEND SOMEONE ELSE OFF AS YOUR GODDAMN ERRAND DROID THEN.” He peeked over at their project. The metallic human lying in the grass gave him an eerie feeling, especially with its chest wide open and bursting with wires and microchips.

“Shouldn’t be long now.” Dirk lifted one of the arms, testing the elbow joint.

“Hello chaps!” Jake bounced up, a beverage in both hands. “It looks to be coming along swimmingly!” He handed a can of orange soda to Dirk and a thermos to Equius. “One fizzy pop and some first rate bovine goodness in a sturdy container!”

“D--> Thank you”

“Thanks.” He popped the tab. “We just need to-STOP!” He jerked his hand out at the Hope student, who had taken a few steps closer to see. He froze, then followed the other’s pointed finger to the ground where a pair of shades rested among the blades of grass.

“By my dear aunt sal!” He gave a nervous laugh and backed up. “Sorry about that!” His phone buzzed.

 

TT: Yes, as much as I enjoy irony, I would rather not be crushed the moment before I finally get a useful body.

 

“Right right.” He pulled his arms back in a stretch. “Should i gather some of the others in this monumental occasion?”

“He’ll probably accuse me of stalling again if we do. Jane was here, but she went off-”

“I’m here! I’m here!” The girl in question raced over, then slowed to a walk as she approached, scanning the ground until she spotted the shades. “Miss Paint needed help in the kitchen with-ACK!” She jumped back as a writhing snake was shoved right into her nose. She stumbled and fell on her butt while cruel laughter mocked her.

“GOT YOu DuMB BITCH!! YOu SQUEAL LIKE A PIG. AND YOu’RE ALSO FAT LIKE ONE!”

Jane’s face turned beet red as she glared at the strange child. Karkat backed up a few steps, staring with a mixture of shock and unease. The newcomer had an dark green complexion, and his skin seemed tough and stretched tight over his skeleton. His head was especially shocking, resembling a skull with bright red eyes.

“WHAT…IS…THAT?”

“One of the kids from the elementary school.” Dirk frowned and picked Hal up, setting him a little farther from the kid. “He’s a cherub. Someone **should** be watching him.” Jane got up, smacking the dirt from her clothing.

“You’re terrible!”

“SHuT uP. YOu ARE SIMPLY BITTER. THAT I HAVE SuCCEEDED IN DISTuRBING YOu.” He sneered and waved the reptile at her. “IS THIS MAKING YOu uNCOMFORTABLE? HAHA SuCH AN OBSCENE-”

“Oh **give** me that!” Jake wrestled the snake from his grip. “Youre crushing the poor fellow.” He tossed it away and it wasted no time slithering away.

“EWWWW! YOu ACTuALLY-”

“CAL!” They looked up to find Eridan racing toward them, looking severely pissed. He scooped the cherub up by his waist. “there you are no runnin off like that” The child shrieked and flailed around in his grip.

“NO!! PuT ME DOWN YOU DuMB FISH!” He shoved both his middle fingers in his face. The Seadweller didn’t even blink. Instead he glanced over to the rest of the group.

“hey guys”

“WAIT A SECOND.” Karkat gestured to them, “WHO PUT *YOU* IN CHARGE OF WATCHING A WRIGGLER?”

“i put myshellf in charge” He shook the boy a bit, “rox wwas about to pass out wwatchin both him and his sister so im lettin her get some rest” He returned his gaze back to the seething child. “alright cal you gotta apologize to jane noww”

“NO!”

“youre apologizin to jane or its nap time”

“NO!!!” He roared, trying to claw at his face. “THAT’S NOT FAIR! IT’S MY TuRN NOW!”

“ill say it”

“NO!!!!” He tried to kick him. “FuCK YOu!!” He responded by shaking him again.

“cal…”

“I’LL KILL YOu!!”

“calli…”

“FINE!” He threw his arms up, “I’M SORRY. THAT THE DuMB BITCH WAS SCARED OF MY LEWD SNAKE. HAPPY!?”

“no” He heaved his charge over his shoulder, then turned his attention to the robot. “so thats the neww body?”

“Sure is.” Dirk readied a solder gun.

“huh” He fiddled with the tiny pink jewel that was pierced into his left fin. “rox wwill be sad she missed it.”

“Let her sleep. She can get surprised later.”

“PuT ME DOWN!” The green child shrieked and smacked his knees into his chest. “I DEMAND. YOU PuT ME DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT.” The troll winced as one of the kicks hit his gills.

“cod do humans actshelly raise children on a regular bass-is?”

“Only the crazy ones.”

“stop that” He glared at the flailing legs. “look do you wwanna play a game or somefin? wwe can play wwith my wwand collection howw about it”

“MY SISTER IS THE ONE. WHO LIKES THE SHITTY WANDS!” He screamed, “GIVE ME YOuR RIFLES.”

“shell no”

“hey nowv wvhats all this?” Cronus slid up to them, resting a hand on Eridan’s shoulder. “wve’vw got a little party going on here, huh?” The Seadweller growled and jerked himself free.

“nofin that concerns you” He put the cherub down, but kept a tight grip on his sleeve. He gave the new arrival a quick look up and down. “its probably not my problem, but is there a reason youre still human?” He grinned and shrugged.

“wvhat can i say? i like being like this. guess im just meant to be one.”

“but wwerent you-” Karkat scrambled up and dove through the window into the Heart Dorm. “wwhat the shell-”

“Ahem.” His back went stiff as Kankri appeared beside the older student, arms crossed in his typical lecture pose. “Eridan please. We must accept Cr9nus and his transpecies feelings. Indeed, we sh9uld 6e happy he has managed t9 realize himself and has access t9 meth9ds that all9w-”

“ok ok youre right” He cut in hastily, “sorry it was a total slip up on my part sorry cro ill accept your identity”

“it’s cool.” He smirked, “and if you wvanna hear some more about it maybe wve could-”

“not on your life” John leaned toward Jane.

“is that why we’re calling horuss a horse?” She shrugged and made some unsure noise as the two left.

“Alright.” Dirk closed up the chest cavity, “Ready?” Equius flashed him a thumbs up.He snaked a cord into a plug in the back of the bot’s head. “Let’s see if this works.”

There was a pause, then the red lights that simulated eyes flickered on. The robot shuffled a bit, then slowly moved its arms so its palms were against the ground. It carefully pushed itself into a sitting position.

“Hello.” A speaker in its neck provided a voice. “My name is Lil Hal, and I can finally hit people when they annoy me.”

“That’s a heartening.” Dirk muttered while a few of the others clapped. He adjusted his puppet’s grip on him. “How do you feel?”

“It’s a little strange, but everything seems to be working correctly. I have yet to explode. And…hm…” He tilted his head back, pondering something.

“What? Are you overheating?”

“Dirk I have come to a very important conclusion.” He raised an eyebrow in response.

“Which is?” Hal fanned his metal fingers out in front of him for effect.

“Horses.” The human blinked slowly.

“Horses.”

“They’re amazing, Dirk.”

“Is this a joke?”

“No man, I am 1000% percent serious right now. I mean, have you ever thought about them? Think about them.”

“Dude, I know horses are awesome, but right now all I’m thinking is that we messed up a circuit some-” Equius cleared his throat. Dirk glanced at him, then squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“What did you do?”

“D--> I may have installed a” He tugged at his collar as a sheen of sweat appeared on his face. “D--> A very small e%tra microchip, in order to pass on a very nobel passion”

“Son of a…” He leaned back and sighed heavily, “Okay you know what? If that’s what keeps him out of trouble then by God let him be obsessed with horses. Go for it.”

“I’m so glad you agree, Dirk.” His eyes flashed again, “Because I’m presently downloading several hundred GB of horse-related content.”

“Uh…”

“Of course there are viruses. Cute attempts, really.”

“Wait a second.”

“Nah man, we’re riding this s*** all the wa-” He paused, “I mean s***…sss…f***ing…” His speakers made several more attempts, only to be taken over by garbled static. “what the H***?”

“That can’t be good.” Dirk leaned in to press his thumb against the speaker. “What-”

“D--> That may also have been an addition by me”

“You messed up his speakers??”

“D--> Only in the case of 100d language”

“Dude.” Hal curled his fingers against his neck. “Really?”

“D--> It is an improvement”

“Sure man, but no hard feelings when I rip it out.”

“D--> Very well” He fixed his glasses, “D--> Also, could I have a copy of the hoofbeast content”

“oh f*** yeah.” He held his hand up, “Gimme five.”

“D--> I am not sure that would be a wise course of action”

“Come on man. Don’t leave me hanging. I’m metal.”

The troll hesitantly held up his hand, allowing the bot to give it a hearty smack.

“Oh look.” Rose and Kanaya walked over to investigate the commotion. “It’s another moving robot. I suppose a full year is a far too long time to go without.”

“Chill.” He spread his arms out. “I’m not about to go on any murderous rampages. I’m practically your uncle. Would I hurt you?”

“If you are trying to make me feel at ease you are failing spectacularly.”

“I know.” He rubbed his face, “Hey Dirk, how about a mouth? That would have been better if I had given a creepy smile.”

“Yeah like you need that. Five minutes with a body and you’re already creepy as Hell.”

“I’m not the one with a grinning puppet wrapped around my head.”

“Whoa hey.” He patted his felt companion protectively. “Lil Cal is the shit man.”

“dirk that puppet is creepier than fefs lusus” Eridan grunted. Jake laughed nervously.

“It does tend to give one a smidgen of the heebee jeebees at times.”

“Come on guys.” He tugged it closer around him, “He’s fucking awesome. You just don’t understand.”

“HEY.” Karkat poked his head out the window. “IS THE RED SWEATER TERROR GONE?”

“Yes Karkat I Believe You May Leave Your Hiding Place Now”

“WHEW.” He clambered out. “OKAY SO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE CREEPY PUPPET? NO OFFENSE MAN, BUT I’M PRETTY SURE YOU SHOULD GET RID OF THAT THING IF ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH.”

“No way man.”

“He’s right, Dirk.” Hal motioned to it, “Shouldn’t you at least stop taking it around everywhere? For all we know he has some connection with the school.”

“Oh Hell no.” He looped it over his head, “Not Lil Cal.” Rose pressed her finger to her chin.

“You realize further denial of this is only further supporting the thesis that you have an unhealthy mental connection with it?”

“It’s not like that. I just-Hey!” Lil Hal swipped the puppet out of his grip.

“This is for your own good.”He tossed it backwards as the boy lunged for him. Equius smacked it away right into Gamzee’s face.

“HoNk?”

“D--> Apologies Highb100d”

“iT’S ChIlL BrO.” He clawed it off him and grinned at the bright blue eyes. “He’s a pReTtY CuTe mOtHeRfUcKeR.” He felt something tugging at one of the legs and looked down.

“THE PuPPET.” The cherub boy yanked on the limb, threatening to tear it off. “I DEMAND THE PuPPET. GIVE ME THE PuPPET.”

“cal for cods sake-”

“sUrE BrO.” The troll bent down to hand him the toy. “YoU HaVe fUn, AlRiGhT?”

He gave a triumphant scream and hoisted the puppet up over his head before running off. Eridan yelled and went sprinting after him. Dirk started to get up as well.

“That’s **my-** ”

“Come on Dirk.” Hal patted him on the shoulder. “Let the kid play.”

“He’s gonna wreck it!”

“GOOD.” Karkat grunted.

“CAL!” They could hear the troll screaming as they ran across the lawn. “CAL! CAL! CALLIOPE!” The fleeing boy abruptly tripped and fell on his face. Rose cocked an eyebrow.

“His name is Calliope?”

“Nah that’s his sister’s name.” Dirk watched Eridan help the cherub stand. The green child held up the puppet and gave it a look of confusion. “It’s complicated.” They headed back to the group.

“hey jane cals bleedin do you havve any bandages”

“I think so…” She rummaged around in her sylladex while he addressed the rest of the group.

“guys this is calliope” He gestured to the cherub. “shes cals sister”

“Um hello there…” She waved shyly with one hand while her other wiped at a smear of lime green on her cheek.

“I’M NOT GOING TO ASK.” Karkat waved back. “HI.”

“sorry i jUst-” Her eyes widened and she smacked her hands over her face. “oh bUggers! i’m not wearing my make-Up am i?”

“It’s fine, Callie!” Jane knelt down with a scrap of cloth. “You look fine, really.”

“noooo!”

“cmon cal” Eridan nudged her, “lets go see if rox is up wwe can try givvin you seadwweller fins again and ill tell you about the summoners rebellion.”

“I WILL SAY IT AGAIN:” Karkat watched him lead the cherub away, “WHO DECIDED IT WAS OKAY FOR HIM TO WATCH A KID?” Dirk flicked a bit of grass off his leg.

“Do you want to help babysit instead?”

“NO. I JUST CANNOT THINK OF A WORST CHOICE FOR A GUARDIAN, EVEN BY TROLL STANDARDS.”

“I’D HeLp wAtCh tHoSe mOtHeRfUcKeRs.”

“OKAY NEVER MIND I CHANGED MY MIND.” Karkat smacked his hand over his moirail’s chest, as if worried he would go off to follow him. “SECOND WORST CHOICE.”

“D--> They still have your puppet”

“Let them keep it.” Dirk sighed, “I’m not getting it back from that guy, and to be honest it **has** been freaking me out a little, lately.”

“AND BY LATELY YOU MEAN THROUGHOUT ITS ENTIRE EXISTENCE.”

“Nah, just after the battle really. I’m not a superstitious guy but it started to kinda feel haunted or something.” Rose’s lips quirked into a smile.

“Perhaps a vengeful ghost decided to take up residence.”

“Haha. Whatever, if he wants to play with it then I don’t see the harm. He’ll probably get bored of it anyways.”

“OR CREEPED OUT, AT LEAST. ALSO, WHAT WAS ERIDAN SAYING ABOUT TURNING HER INTO A SEADWELLER? SHOULD I BE WORRIED ABOUT THAT?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering, Lil Cal was indeed in Dirk's sylladex when he ripped out Doc Scratch's soul.  
> Funny how Lil Hal threw it, Equius smacked it, and it landed on Gamzee, to be handed to Calliborn.
> 
> (Eridan and Roxy raising the cherubs yesssss)  
> Eridan has several advantages for raising the cherubs. He can teach Calliope history and about trolls, he takes no shit from Caliborn, almost all his swears can be changed to fish puns for their younger ears, he uses wands and rifles, and he has a habit of calling people by shortened versions of their name.
> 
> Later Lil Hal will go around asking people to touch his new metal arms.
> 
> Silly Karkat can't judge who would make a loving parent.


	28. Extras 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan doesn't believe in ghosts, Dirk and Jane are lil shits, and Meenah is to be feared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just me messing around with stuff that didn't make it into the main story.
> 
> I got sad because I had to write Roxy drunk again. But also Eridan doing silly stuff with the Alpha kids which made me much less sad.

March 2015

 

“yo janey” Roxy propped her chin up in her hands. “is’t true the life house has a ghost?”

“A ghost?” Jane spun around to face her friend at the table.

“ya” She waved her hand. “meenah shaid shed have’t eat mah heart or wutever” Eridan looked up from his phone to roll his eyes.

“ghosts aint real”

“Yeah, and plus,” Dirk thumped down across from them, “Any heart-eating ghosts would be in the Heart Dorm.” He tossed out some cans of soda for the group.

“Well! I don’t know about any soul-munching…” Jane slid into another chair with a rather sinister looking grin. She tapped her glasses up on her nose a bit. “But I have heard many a rumor about a ceeeeertain spirit who wanders the halls.” She leaned toward Roxy, her voice dropping to be low and ominous. “It was a girl who was a student there. One Thursday, a serial killer got on campus. Naturally the school went into lockdown, but they had to wait really long, and eventually she had to pee so she snuck out. She heard a noise and turned around to see…BOOM!!” She whirled and jabbed her finger at Eridan’s chest. He yelped and dropped his phone. “Blasted right through the heart! Haha!” He scowled at her and attempted to hide any signs of surprise.

“bullshit”

“Maaaaaybe.” She chuckled and leaned back in her seat. “But it’s said every Thursday, she wanders the halls during the time of the lockdown, which is about midnight to morning. And if she sees you she’ll RIP OUT YOUR HEART!” This time her victim was Jake. She leaned toward him and jerked her fist up and towards her. He laughed nervously. “…To replace hers.”

“more bullshit” Roxy nudged Eridan with her elbow.

“So what if our unfortunate donor isn’t her blood type? How did they know she had turned around before seeing the killer?”

“Oh my God!” She huffed and rolled her eyes, “It’s a ghost story! Killjoys.”

“Hey, hey, I’m not trying to kill any joy here.” He raised his hands and shrugged. “It was a pretty cool story, but if you really want to hear some spine-chilling shit try the Heart Dorm ones. We’ve got at least a dozen well known ones. The Soul-Stitcher for one.”

“Uh-huh.”

“oooo we should totes have a ghost storytellin party sumtime!” Roxy snapped open her can of soda and poured it into a glass of whiskey by her elbow. “tha void houses got this thing its not exactly a ghost shtory its this guy called the nothin man and sumtimes y’can see’m at the bottom of the void basement dorms and then you have to not slam the door or else hell kill ya”

“What like in Antigonish?”

“in wut?”

“Yesterday, upon the stair,/” Dirk recited the stanzas with ease, “I met a man who wasn’t there./He wasn’t there again today,/ I wish, I wish he’d go away…”

“so wwhy didnt the guy get a shotgun” Roxy smirked.

“u guys got any ghosts or anythin?”

“no” Eridan rolled his eyes and his lips curled back in disgust. “all wwevve got is a stupid “guardian angel” wwatchin us or some shit typical a the hope dorm” Jake grinned.

“ **I** think an angel is just perfect for our dear dorm!” The other Hope student turned to cock an eyebrow at him.

“wwhy cause a the wwings on our crest”

“Well uh…” He ducked his head, trying to hide his smirk. “I suppose something along those lines!” He glared at the squirming boy for a few seconds, then shrugged and crossed his arms.

“wwell doesnt matter since none a them are real”

“You know…” Dirk swirled his drink around, “Usually the people who always say ghosts don’t exist are the ones who are the most scared of them.”

“i aint **scared** a things that are vvery clearly **fake** ” He growled.

“Obviously.”

“By george!” Jake leaned in and his eyes sparkled. “ **Tomorrow** is thursday! Hows about we pay a visit to the life house after dark?”

“oooo!” Roxy rocked back and forth, catching the same excited glint. “liek a ghost hunt? kewl!”

“Shouldn’t be too hard!” Jane grinned, “I’ll tell you when the coast is clear and you can sneak over.”

“Awesome.” Dirk raised his can in a toast. “Ghost hunt tomorrow. Don’t be late.” His eyes slid over to Eridan, who grumbled but raised his drink with the rest of them.

“goddamn wwaste a…”

 

000

 

“wwaste a time.” He repeated as he and Jake headed across the field to the Life House.

“Come on mr eridan its an ADVENTURE!” He wished it wasn’t so dark so the other could see how hard he was rolling his eyes.

“its an advventure” He mimicked him in a poor, high-pitched version of his voice. “an advventure in wwhich wwe spend sevveral hours wwanderin around the life dorm and maybe get caught instead a **sleepin** like any sane person wwould be-”

“pssst!” They stopped and turned toward the source of the sound. A small flashlight clicked on, revealing Roxy standing next to them.

“Whoa!” Jake jumped back a step, “I say roxy you came out of nowhere!” She beamed.

“im purty good at sneakin around”

“damn rox thats time top levvel sneakin skills.”

“a’course” She saunted on past them, “im very proud a havin maxed out my sneakin skills on **all** mah games and uh” She swirled her finger around. “…stuff”

“debuffs from alcohol.” Eridan muttered under his breath.

The door creaked open as they approached. Jane poked her head out, grinned, and motioned them in.

Dirk was leaning against the wall in the lobby. He nodded to them.

“Hey.” Eridan cocked his eyebrow at him.

“did you actually walk here in the dark wwith those shades on?”

“Maybe.” He pointed up at the roof. “Alright. Three floors of rooms. Jane and I can take the first one, Roxy and Jake can take the second, and Eridan takes the last.”

“wwho put you in charge?”

“Scared to be alone?”

“no but-”

“Great. Let’s go.” He dug his hands into his pockets. “And if you do find the ghost don’t scream too loud or you’ll wake up the dorm.”

“Righto!” Jake offered his arm to Roxy, “Shall we go off on our spirit hunt miss lalonde?”

“av course!” She smirked and took the arm. “good luck guys!”

They sauntered off to the staircase. Eridan shot the Heart Student a glare before heading off as well.

“…So then.” Jane crossed her arms, “This **is** an interesting choice in groups, buster.”

“Yeah, I figured you would be the most game for scaring the pants off Ampora.” Her face split into a wide grin.

“Hoo boy **am** I!”

 

000

 

“hmm…” Roxy chewed on her lip as they went tiptoeing down the hallway. “im worried for eri” Jake glanced over at her.

“You reckon he cant take the ghost on all by his lonesome?”

“oh naw” She sighed and shrugged, “i tink janey ‘n dirk r gonna try’n make ‘im wet ‘imself”

“Nonsense! They have a ghost to catch!”

“ya shur”

“Im positive theyre both patrolling the halls just as we a-wait!” His tone fell into a hush and he pointed ahead of them. “Did you see that?”

“see wut?”

“Just a flash of green around the corner.” He sucked in a breath, “Lets tread with caution now.”

“ooo fun”

 

000

 

“How about this?” Jane smeared some lipstick down her chin, imitating blood. “WooOOoo!” Dirk flashed her a thumbs up.

“Awesome.” He glanced around her neat dorm room. “Got a shirt you can smear some on too?”

“I think so…” She dug through her closet. “We should hurry before he decides to check on us!”

“Right.”

“Here we go!” She popped a white dress over her head, then rubbed some of the lipstick on. She then took off her glasses and tried a dead, zombie-like look. “Well?”

“Sweet.” He peeked out the open door, “Let’s go.”

 

000

 

“damn strider damn ghost stories damn everthin…” Eridan swept his flashlight around the hallway. His grumbling was a comfort in the admittedly eerie environment. He knew Strider was trying to scare him by making him go alone, well he was determined to prove that asshole wrong.

Wait, what was that?

He peeked over his shoulder, but there was nothing there. A faint creak ahead made him jump and whirl around again.

“h-hey…” He muttered, “wwhos there?” He inched forward a bit and held his flashlight straight out to try and see as much as possible. “strider is that you i swwear to god…” He paused at the corner, then grit his teeth. Ghost didn’t exist, and even if they **did** he could so take one, even bare-handed. There probably wasn’t even anything around that corner. He lowered his flashlight and very slowly started counting to three.

The dark figure of a girl swept out right in front of him. Her long dark hair billowed behind her as she reached out toward him. He shrieked and leapt back, throwing the flashlight up half to see and half as a weapon.

“…--Eridan?!” Feferi winced and blinked rapidly in the sudden flash of light. She was wearing a purple version of the school pajamas and had a toothbrush in one hand. “W)(at…W)(at the glub are you doing in the Life )(ouse?!”

“oh god.” He nearly dropped the flashlight, torn between extreme relief and horror. “uh um fef uh er hi wwhats up?”

“W)(at’s UP?!” She rubbed her eyes. “It’s ON-E IN TH-E MORNING!”

“right i can explain”

 

000

 

“uh jake?” Roxy hopped along as Jake pulled her down the hall, “u shur u saw something?”

“Crystal! It looked like some green light!”

“k but what if its someone with a green flashlight or some shit?”

“Have faith my dear chum! Im sure…” He led off as a sliver of green appeared in the darkness. “Ho! Who goes there?” They jogged toward it. The sliver grew into the vague shape of a human, with a ghostlike tail instead of legs.

“omg”

“By my stars and garters!”

The figure spun to face them, then suddenly burst upwards and vanished into the ceiling.

“It wont skedaddle that easily!” Jake yanked Roxy around, “To the stairs!”

 

000

 

“A ghost hunt?” Feferi yawned, “O)( okay. T)(at’s pretty cool I guess.”

“id rather be sleepin” He fumbled with his flashlight, “sorry to startle ya like that”

“O)( it’s FIN-E!” She laughed, “Seems I did most of the startling )(ere!” He awkwardly returned the laugh.

“right wwell no ghosts here guess i better see what the others are doing.”

“O-cray!” She giggled, “)(ave fun! Try not to wake anyone up!”

“right right” He waved as she went off down the hall. As soon as she disappeared behind the corner his shoulders sagged heavily. “god strider youre payin for this”He spun around and headed for the stairs. “a course ghosts dont exist this wwhole ordeal wwas just some shitty-”

A flashed of green burst out from the floor. He yelped and fell backwards. His fingers went up to set his glasses back into place, then he tilted his head back to gape at the glowing girl above him.

“where…” She whispered, then spoke louder. “where am i?” He stared at her awhile longer, then his jaw worked a bit before he managed to talk.

“…life dorm.” he answered, “fourth floor.”

“oh…” She glanced around, “i…i was at the main building and the people and the glass and and and and…and i needed to g-get out but…” She clutched at her head. “oooooh god what am i what just happened what do i do now?”

“uh.”

“oh my god…” She hiccupped, “what did they do to me…”

“uh…” Eridan cautiously stumbled to his feet, “this is…cgi or somethin right?” Her head whipped up to look at him again. He flinched back, and when he looked up again she was gone. He stood dumbfounded for a few seconds more, then some yelling brought his attention to the staircase. He shuffled his way down to see.

“I caught her!” Jake’s triumphant whooping echoed up from below. “I caught the ghost!”

“Jake!” Jane’s shriek followed, “It’s me! Get off!”

He came down to the landing to find Jake sitting on top of Jane, peering at her in astonishment. The girl groaned and covered her eyes in embarrassment. Dirk was leaning against the wall, his face buried into his hand. Roxy was on the floor and looked genuinely in danger of dying from laughter.

“…wwhat”

“o-o-oh…m-my…G-GOD!!” Roxy gasped, “th-this is 2 g-gud!”

“Jane!” Jake popped up, the confusion on his face mixing with horror. “Youre…Youre the ghost girl!?”

“No! It was a prank!” She sat up and scrubbed the red off her face. “Oh my God, you didn’t have to **tackle** me!”

“Sorry chum! I just…er…” He rubbed the back of his neck, “I got a bit caught up in the moment there!”

“oh gawd someone get me some cpr…”

“you heard her dirk.”

“Dude, please just-”

“ALRIGHT” Meenah stomped down the stairs, flinging Eridan aside into the railing. “YOU PIL-ES A CHUM HAV—E GOT THR—EE S-EACONDS TO –EXPLAIN W)(Y YOUR-E H-ER-E AND RUININ MAH SL---EEP”

“Oh shit.” Dirk bolted for the stairs, grabbing Roxy as he passed. “Run!”

 

000

 

“And then all I remember is this mad scramble to get out of there before Meenah skewered us all.” Dirk finished his tale with a flourish of his hand. Eridan rolled his eyes and leaned back on the sofa while Dave chuckled.

“shit man that sounds crazy did she get any of you?”

“obviously not since wwere all still **alivve** ”

“I remember t)(at!” Feferi bounced in and leaned over the end of the sofa. She prodded his cheek, “You reelly shrieked! Scaredy-gills!” He scowled and moved away from her intrusive finger.

“i aint a scaredy gills you just surprised me if it had been a ghost i could a handled it totally naturally” An orange head popped out of the coffee table.

“yo did someone say ghost?” Eridan groaned and used his foot to shove the nearby bowl of popcorn right into Davesprite’s head.

“also i think i handled jade showwin up pretty wwell” He added, “for someone wwho didnt evven knoww wwhat a sprite wwas”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GUYS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO SCARE ERIDAN.” Karkat dug his finger into his chest. “YOU’D BE LUCKY HE DIDN’T SHOOT YOU!”

“He wasn’t armed.” Dirk glanced at the Seadweller, “Were you?” He shrugged.

“i had mace.”

“You’d mace a ghost?”

“wwell obvviously it wwouldnt **be** a ghost since ghosts are **fake** and…” He paused, then his face settled into a grim look of annoyance as a white creature faded into view right beside him. He didn’t even bother to turn his head as its mouth opened wide as if to bite off his fin.

“dont evven think about it” It gave a sharp hiss. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second and Karkat could see a vein in his head jump, then he spun around and hissed back, louder. The angel squealed and flew back toward the doorway. He growled and shouted after it. “ENGLISH I SWWEAR TO COD ILL KILL THEM!” His only answer was a titter of laughter fading down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eridan is so done with Jake's angels. He sends them to poke at him regularly and at first he was pissed but now he's just done.
> 
> Thank God at this point all he had was a flashlight and not like, a magic science wand.


	29. Extras 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which this is forced education on human culture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, it's really short. (--;) Keep an eye out for another update I guess?
> 
> A commenter suggested a Harry Potter night. So I decided to do a Harry Potter night. ^^0

October 2015

 

“ERIDAN YOU PATHETIC SLURRY STAINED PAILFUCKER!!” Karkat screamed and smacked his fists against the Seadweller’s back. “PUT ME DOWN.”

“soon.” He answered lightly as he continued to trot down the hallway with the troll over his shoulder.

“NOT “SOON”, NOW!! RIGHT THIS DAMN SECOND BEFORE I DIG MY SICKLE INTO YOUR BACK.”

“cod kar chill your nubs.”

“MAYBE I WOULD IF YOU WOULD AT LEAST BOTHER TO TELL ME WHERE WE’RE GOING.”

“its a surprise.”

“I REFUSE TO BE INVOLVED IN *ANY* OF YOUR SCIENCE PROJECTS FOR *ANY* REASON AND IF-”

“damnit kar” He rolled his eyes, “that wwas **one time** and it wwashed out anywwavves. also im not ropin you into any more science projects ok”

“THIS IS STILL KIDNAPPING.”

“no it aint its rescuin you against your wwill”

“RESCUING FROM *WHAT*?!”

“ignorance.”

“THIS ISN’T LIKE YOU.” He complained as he tried to grab at one of his horns. “SINCE WHEN ARE YOU RELUCTANT TO UNVEAL YOUR BIG GREAT PLANS FOR SHIT?”

“shush”

“CAN I HAVE A HINT? DOES IT INVOLVE BURNS OF THE SECOND DEGREE?”

“not for you.”

“ERIDAN!!”

“chill kar its a movvie”

“…WHAT?” He craned his neck over to give him a withering glare. “SO WHY ARE YOU CARRYING ME?! WHAT MOVIE?”

“one it’s a surprise and twwo” He shrugged, making his passenger growl, “wwhale i just figured youd be grumpy and since i had to carry sol-”

“WHAT.”

“ok i had to knock out and carry sol since his psion-”

“ERIDAN!!” He returned to smacking at his back. “WRONG. INCORRECT. YOU DO NOT KNOCK OUT PEOPLE FOR MOVIE NIGHT! FORGET THIS.” He fumbled with his sylladex and managed to get his phone into his hand. “I’M CALLING ROXY.”

“good tell her wwere almost there” His eye twitched, then he groaned and let his head drop down in despair.

“OF COURSE.”

“hey rox!” He kicked open the door to the living room. “i found him!”

“woot!” Karkat twisted around to look at her. She was standing by the coffee table, which had been piled high with snacks. She had a grin that bordered on maniacal. “guess thats enough people 4 today”

“HOW MANY-” He looked around a bit more to find the room was **packed**. From the grumpy looks on some he could guess their recruitment had been similarly mandatory.

“Karkat” Kanaya gave him a small wave from where she and Rose were sitting on the far end of the couch. “Hello Apparently We Are Watching A Movie”

“YEAH. APPARENTLY.” Eridan put him down. The troll shot him a nasty glare before doing a quick headcount. Aradia and Feferi were on the couch poking at an unconscious Sollux. Equius and Nepeta were sitting on the ground. Vriska had snagged one of the armchairs and was examining her fingernails in an attempt to look bored, but the way her clothes were ruffled made it unsure how much she had planned to be here. Terezi was snacking on a bag of cheetos and Tavros had tucked his wheelchair over next to the couch. Gamzee was lying under the coffee table. He had a view of the TV, but if he got up too quickly he might crack the glass surface with his horns. Dirk was sitting on the couch with his arms crossed, trying to look cool despite being absolutely squished on the overcrowded furniture. Jake was sitting in the other armchair. His eyes sparkled and he kicked his legs in excitement.

“OKAY, WHO’S HERE BECAUSE ERIDAN DRAGGED THEM HERE?”

“D-->…I was ordered”

“Roses Mom Insisted Strongly”

“iT, uHH, sOUNDED LIKE FUN, bUT ALSO, i DON’T THINK NO WAS A REAL, uHH, oPTION,”

“TH3Y S41D TH3R3 WOULD B3 FOOD. 4ND DR4GONS.”

“Roxy mentioned a movie night so i moseyed right on over!” Jake bounced in his seat, “Nothing makes a good film better like some company.”

“Give it up.” Dirk grunted, “They blocked all the exits.”

“dont wworry kar” Eridan leaned back on the door with a wide grin. Karkat swallowed as it clicked closed. “itll be wworth it.”

“totes” Roxy held up a DVD case in each hand, matching his disconcerting glee. “behold! harry potter!” She fanned them out to instead show a total of eight. Her eyes gleamed. “all. eight.”

“WHAT?! WAIT HOW LONG ARE HUMAN MOVIES?” Rose’s mouth twitched into a wry smile.

“About two hours.”

“I AM NOT SITTING HERE FOR SIXTEEN HOURS.”

“cmon kar once you get into it itll blur right by.” He offered him a bag of chips. The troll snatched them out of his grip and grumbled something about escaping before stomping off to find a spot by the snack table.

“I WILL WATCH *ONE* MOVIE, WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE TERRIBLE, THEN I WILL BREAK OUT.” He dug his hand into the bowl of popcorn. “WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS IT ANYWAYS. IS THIS WHERE YOU GOT THAT SHITTY WAND?”

“no not unless you mean the one kan gavve me wwhich broke” He held up his sonic screwdriver. “this is from-” His eyes widened and he let the toy drop to his side. “holy shit rox wwe gotta showw them doctor wwho too!”

“omg yaaaassss!” She fell into a frown as the first movie loaded up, “jus the reboot or…”

“no wway wwe gotta start wwith the original.”

“Uh…” Dirk leaned forward and flicked Karkat in the back of the head. “Hey, unless you want to be stuck here for a week, you might want to stop them.”

“YOU STOP THEM.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, they escaped a few hours later once Eridan and Roxy fell into an argument regarding the mechanics of the sorting hat.


	30. Extras 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are rap battles and Eridan is pissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a headcanon that if Equius saw his poetry as a noble pursuit and Gamzee rapped then what if rapping was a Highblood thing. If so, does that mean Eridan can do it? O_O
> 
> Also, please don't assume I know anything about rapping. I don't, but I think the lines I wrote were pretty clever.

February 2014

 

“the duty of the prince…” Eridan leaned his chair back on two legs. His foot stayed hooked under the table to steady him as he flipped through the book. “personal morality…vverses needs a the state…hey dirk!” He turned to glare at the boy sitting on the floor nearby. He was hunched over his computer, but the other kid knew he wasn’t working on homework. “strider! howw about instead a wworkin wwith your stupid poems you help wwith our goddamned book report?”

“In a second.” He grunted, “I’m listening. You’re doing fine.”

“dont givve me that “im listenin” crap youre just pretendin you can pay attention to twwo different things wwhen you cant its like chewwin gum and wwalkin.”

“I can chew gum and walk.”

“god wwhy couldnt i havve rox as my partner” He groaned. Roxy chuckled from the other end of the table.

“sorry eri maybe next time theyll let us choose.”

“or maybe next time i at least wwont get an idiot…” He turned to all but yell at the student three feet from him. “WWHO CANT PUT ASIDE HIS CHILDISH CLAPTRAP FOR ONE MINUTE TO SAVVE HIS GRADE.” He wobbled on his chair and gave a faint yelp. Dirk glanced over to cock an eyebrow at him.

“Claptrap? Is weird vocabulary a Hope Dorm thing?”

“lump me wwith english and ill hit you wwith this book.”

“And also my raps are not childish. This is some tricky shit, I can’t just drop them to go work on a report on Machiavelli.” The other just huffed and rolled his eyes.

“They’re borin not difficult.”

“Hey man, these things take skill. Just because you don’t have the talent doesn’t mean you can bash them. What if I said it was easy to be a massive douchebag?” Eridan scowled.

“alright strider howw bout this” He moved his jaw a bit, then leaned forward.

“you think youre cool cause you break hearts and knoww lines” He flicked his hand at him, “but you **aint** the only one here who can rhyme.” He patted his chest, “i learned all this shit cause a some dumb tradition and im **spittin it noww** in hopes youll get a conniption. you think youre so great well ill havve you knoww,” He bared his teeth, “in this ocean a life im shark youre minnow.” He spiked his book into the floor. “there noww **help me wwith this goddamn report**.”

Dirk’s face remained impassive, even as Roxy’s low “oooooh” floated through the room. With great deliberation he cleared his throat.

“So you **think** you can-”

“I DIDN’T ASK FOR A RAP BATTLE.”

“eri cmon youre beggin him to respond.”

“i givve up” He groaned, “ill wwrite the damn thing myself.”

“Okay okay man, calm down. I’ll help out.” He picked up the book. “But seriously, can you do that in Finnish too? That wasn’t half bad.”

“pff.” He rolled his eyes again and flicked open his computer. “like i said it wwas some tradition that doesnt mean i enjoy it.”

“Too bad, because you still owe me a showdown. I gotta preserve my honor here.”

“i dont care.”

 

000

October 2015

 

“sooo…” Eridan blinked, then glanced to the left. Dave was standing there, and since there was no one else in the room he was obviously talking to him. “…ampora.”

“wwhat.”

“hey.”

“hey wwhat.” He shrugged.

“just hey. hows it going?”

“strider wwhat do you wwant?”

“bro says you rap.” He groaned and shut his eyes.

“I DO NOT RAP!” He threw his hands up in the air, “and your brothers a filthy liar wwho wwould dare lowwer me to such a stupid hobby.”

“nah nah man its cool its a cool hobby yknow i rap too-”

“im leavin.”

“he says youre not bad.” He hopped after him as the Seadweller began to stride away. “cmon lets go a round just for the sake of it.”

“no go ask eq or gam.”

“i did but bro gave ya his approval.”

“maybe just to spite me.” He growled under his breath.

“cmon man just a round? itll be fun.”

“no.” He increased his speed. If he could get outside he could fly off somewhere.

“cmon whats so bad bout dropping a few lines?” He prodded his shoulder, “you scared?”

“no.”

“no way man youre scared of getting roasted arent you?”

“i wwill shoot you.”

“is that it man? is that it?” He continued to goad and prod at him. “i know the real reason behind your rejection.” He turned to give him a suspicious look.

“are you-”

“dont wanna face all the coming depression.”

“oh my god.”

“thinking ive got too much skill too much spice.”

“stop.”

“to stay cool in my fire youve gotta be ice.” He whipped his hands up to wiggle his fingers in his face, and accidently bumped the frame of his glasses. Eridan growled and fixed them. He scowled at the smirking kid, then started off again. Dave called after him.

“my fires are sick and hot as-” He spun around suddenly and cut him off.

“youre like your brother wwith **silly pledges**.” He tapped his glasses. “but youre just him wwith **softer edges**.” His words didn’t slow as he advanced on him. “i aint gonna bother wwith youre pathetic ass rhymes,” He jabbed his finger into his chest. “cause **youvve got no hope** and **ivve got no time**.” He shoved a middle finger into his face and stalked off.

“…whoa.” Dave blinked a few times, then sprung off after him again. “dude those were pretty tight not like godly or anything but they werent bad kinda like the mac and cheese you get at a cheap ass restaurant like its not gourmet but its cheesy and hot so you cant complain so why dont you do that more often?” He paused to give him a befuddled glance over his shoulder.

“…get mac and cheese?”

“no man rap.”

“because its stupid.”

“no way man. you had to have enjoyed that.”

“go awway.”

“you know you wanna dont hide it dude.”

“youre officially more annoyin than your brother.”

“no one can resist some red hot raps.”

“wwatch me.”

“one round.”

“no.”

“yes.”

“no.”

“yes.”

“no.”

“yes.”

 

000

 

caligulasAquarium began trolling tipsyGnostalgic.

 

CA: rox help

TG: wut

TG: sup?

TG: where r u?

CA: im hidin up on the roof a the breath dorm

TG: from?

CA: wwhale it wwas davve

CA: noww its davve gam and eq

CA: maybe tavv by noww

TG: ohhhh

TG: does this have anythin 2 do wi that rap battle he was talkin bout a while ago?

CA: it has to do wwith all the fins

CA: all a them

TG: ic

TG: p sure dirks wi them now

CA: oh my cod

CA: wwhy

CA: wwhy are they draggin me into their stupid poems

TG: cmon eri jus rap wi them

CA: no its stupid

TG: its bein social

CA: its stupid its a pathetic wwaste a time that servves no purpose wwhatsoevver

CA: it certainly aint fun

TG: omg

TG: you like doin it dont you

CA: wwhat no

CA: wwhy wwould i like doin such pointless drivvel

TG: cause thats wat you say bout wizards n shit

TG: jus go join their rap party

TG: ill go too

TG: ill see if feffy wants to come

CA: shell no im not doin raps around her shell laugh her bass off

TG: kk but srsly

TG: jus cause it aint buildin an army doesnt mean it aint cool

TG: jus go have some fun makin poems or whatevs

TG: we can purtend i dragged ya there so you can keep ur chill hipster image

TG: k

CA: wwhale

CA: i guess ill try it once

CA: if you must insist so fervvently

TG: awesome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then they proceeded to have the greatest rap battle in the history of this particular fanfiction.
> 
> Eridan secretly liked his poems, but he didn't have anyone to share them with so he decided they were stupid and pointless. Now he does, and Karkat's looking for anything he can plug up his ears with that won't bite him.
> 
> And yes Eridan and Dirk are doing that report on "The Prince". Title symbolism. I love it.
> 
> I don't know what would have happened if Feferi had joined. Maybe she would have dominated with some fish pun-riddled beauty. O_o


	31. Extras 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Roxy and Eridan cram for finals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No I don't know what I'm doing anymore. They're just little short drabbles about more lighthearted stuff that went on at school.
> 
> It's not slayed. It's slain.
> 
> I used to have a lot of trouble remembering what letters to double in tomorrow. Still do sometimes.

June 2015

 

tispyGnostalgic began pestering claudiusArtillery.

 

TG: ERIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!1 ;°д°;

TG: FUCK

CA: what

CA: what is it

TG: OUR HISORTY EXAM IS TOMORROW!

CA: wrong our HISTORY exam is tomorrow

TG: omg eri stfu

TG: i dont know shiiiit

CA: cmon rox you must know somethin

TG: nope im done

TG: here lies roxy lalonde

TG: slayed by her history test

CA: are you sure its slayed

TG: idgaf

CA: if youre so worried about it ill give you some kinda crash course how bout that

CA: if i can get my damn angels to SHUT UP FOR AT LEAST A GODDAMN MINUTE

TG: lol

TG: omg would you??

CA: a course you know i love history what kinda friend would i be to leave you to fail

TG: ugh tell that to dirk last year >:(

CA: did he actually convince you hitler was secretly a fish monster

TG: shadup

CA: ok fine sorry

CA: you wwant me to punch him for you

TG: lol no

CA: shoot him

TG: um no!

TG: jus help me not fail in history tomomrow k?

TG: *tommorrow

TG: fuck which is the double letter?

CA: i get it

CA: come on over ive got coffee

CA: well pull an all nighter if weve gotta

TG: omg thaaaaaaaanks

TG: ur awesome eri

CA: it aint even remotely a bother

CA: see ya in fivve

CA: *five

 

000

The next morning

 

“So,” Dirk shoved open the door and walked through, holding it open for Jane to follow him. “You ready for the exam today?”

“Ready enough, I suppose. I don’t think I even need to ask **you** that question.” He shrugged off the compliment as they crossed the hallway. A couple of Hope students hurried past them on their way to their tests. Jake met them as he went stumbling down the stairs. He gave them a surprised look, then grinned.

“Top of the morning chaps! Are you prepped for our examination?”

“You bet man. You know if Eridan’s up?” He screwed his face up in thought.

“I dont believe so. I know he and miss lalonde were studying quite late last night. They were going for an all-nighter!”

“Of course.” He passed him by, “Better go check on them.”

The three of them headed for the third floor. Dirk strode up to the door and began banging on it at a volume that could probably be heard from the lobby.

“ERIDAN! ROXY!” He shouted through the wood. “GET UP!” There was a loud thud followed by a mix between and groan and expletive.

“fuck…” More shuffling indicated someone rolling the rest of the way off the bed. “izzat strider? STRIDER WWHAT DO YOU WWANT?”

“The test is in ten minutes.”

“are you fucking…” There was a brief pause, the length of time it took to check a clock. “fuck FUCK ROX GET UP.”

“wut wut oh shit!” More crashing. Dirk facepalmed while Jane giggled.

“So I guess that’s a no on being ready.”

“cap it strider hey rox you seen my tie?”

“no you seen my jacket?”

Dirk sighed and pulled a key out of his sylladex. He stuck it into the lock and threw the door open.

“wwhat the?” Eridan paused in putting on his tie to glare at him. “wwho gavve you my-”

“eri heads up!” His jacket crashed into the side of his head, engulfing him in pale yellow fabric. He ripped it off and growled some obscenity before throwing it around his shoulders. Jake poked his head in.

“How was your studious engagement?”

“fine a course.” He huffed, looking as haughty as one could while hopping around trying to get a shoe on. “wwe pull no punches it was a hardcore night a facts and learnin.”

“Really.” Dirk nudged a dvd on the floor with his foot. “And this night of facts involved Harry Potter?”

“that wwas settlin an argument about the effects in the goblet a fire.”

“This is the Half Blood Prince.”

“wwell that ones my favorite so-”

“Right.”

“shut up. ok coat tie…” He tapped his glasses, “glasses uh scarf!”

“It’s ninety degrees man you don’t need-”

“dont dis tha scarf man!” Roxy’s hand crawled around under the bed until it hit a bundle of soft yarn. With a triumphant grin she hopped up and threw the scarf around her shoulders. “alright! comin thru!” The students backed away from the door as the she came running out. Eridan followed her with a similar garment, slamming the door behind him. He shouted over his shoulder as they went running down that hall.

“im still gonna get that key back!”

“Sure man! But I’ll just kick your door down next time!”

Jane crossed her arms as she watched them disappear down the stairs. “…Anyone wanna tell them they’re wearing each others scarves?”

“I doubt they care too much.” Dirk headed after them. “Come on. We don’t want to be late either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roxy passed the test. Then they both fell asleep
> 
> If they watched the Goblet of Fire, then Half Blood Prince, you can be sure they watched Order of the Phoenix in between.


	32. Extras 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan trolls the everloving fuck out of Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
> 
> Pretty sure everyone knows exactly what video is mentioned, but if it's not obvious Eridan has discovered the human wonders of Rick-rolling.
> 
> Soooo many pesterlogs...

December 2015

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling caligulasAquarium

 

CG: HEY DOUCHEWAD, ARE YOU BUSY?

CG: AND BY THAT I MEAN NO, YOU AREN’T.

CA: wwhat i could be busy

CG: SITTING IN YOUR ROOM PLAYING WITH YOUR BULGE DOESN’T COUNT.

CA: i aint doin that kar oh my god

CG: OKAY SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CA: plannin murder

CA: see ivve got this duchess wwhos a little too big for her boots

CA: think shes plannin an insurrection

CA: so naturally as ruler as the realm i gotta take action

CA: thinkin either a poisonin or an unfortunate freak explosion

CG: YOU’RE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.

CG: I *HOPE* YOU’RE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.

CA: yeah i am

CA: wwhat do you wwant

CG: I NEED YOUR KNOWLEDGE ON HUMAN TO TROLL CULTURE TRANSLATION.

CA: wwhat did you do

CG: DON’T JUST ASSUME THAT I’VE COME CRAWLING TO YOU AFTER SPECTACULARLY FUCKING UP IN SOME RIDICULOUS AND EMBARASSING HUMAN FAUX PAS.

CG: THIS IS PURELY ME DECIDING TO BRUSH UP ON MY INTERSPECIES KNOWLEDGE.

CA: you fucked up didnt you

CG: AMPORA I AM SO TEMPTED RIGHT NOW TO GO RIGHT UP THERE AND SOCK THAT SMUG GRIN RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE.

CG: IF YOU MUST KNOW

CG: WHICH, MIGHT I ADD, YOU *DON’T*.

CG: I MAY HAVE UPSET JADE FOR SOME REASON.

CG: AND I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE I DIDN’T GIVE HER THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF SOME HORRENDOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL SOLICITATION OR SOMETHING.

CA: wwoww

CG: SO HERE I AM, THROWING MY DESPARATE SOBBING PATHETIC CORPSE AT YOU, IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET AN EXPLANATION THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SHIPPING CHARTS OR MISPLACED OPTIMISM AND FISH PUNS!!

CG: NOTE MY WISH FOR NO FISH PUNS.

CA: cod kar chill

CA: here ivve got just the fin for ya

CA: *thing

CA: here this is your first lesson on human culture

CG: WHAT

CG: A VIDEO?

CG: THIS IS JUST A VIDEO OF A HUMAN WITH ORANGE HAIR SINGING.

CG: THE LYRICS ARE VAGUELY FLUSHED.

CG: ERIDAN IS THIS A LOVE SONG?!

CG: DID YOU SEND ME A LOVE SONG!?

CA: no no kar

CA: this is a friendship song

CG: A WHAT

CA: i knoww right

CA: you send it to people to showw howw strong your friendship is wwith them

CG: YOU’RE FUCKING WITH ME.

CA: god im tryin to help and all i get are baseless accusations

CA: wwhy dont you go try it on some of the humans

CG: FINE. I’LL GIVE IT A TRY.

CA: great tell me howw it goes

CG: WHAT WHY?

 

caligulasAquarium ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling ectoBiologist

 

CG: JOHN. LOOK AT THIS LINK.

EB: haha oh wow!

EB: i haven’t seen this in ages! you totally got me!

CG: WHAT, DID THIS SHIT ACTUALLY WORK?

EB: yeah! i wasn’t expecting it from you!

EB: high five!

CG: THIS IS WEIRD.

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling turntechGodhead

 

CG: DAVE. LOOK AT THIS LINK.

TG: nice try dude but im not falling for that

TG: ive fucking memorized that link

TG: a for effort but youre not getting this round

TG: i aint clicking that

TG: that links a cat right there with a big twitching tail and some major hunger pains

TG: my mouse is hiding in his burrow all safe and snug and away from that feline of a link

CG: WHAT.

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling tentacleTherapist

 

CG: LOOK AT THIS LINK.

TT: Did John put you up to this?

CG: NO, ERIDAN.

TT: Good lord. His sense of humor is devolving.

TT: I didn’t think that was possible at his current level.

CG: WHAT?!

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling timeausTestified

 

CG: HERE.WHAT DO YOU THINK?

TT: Hm.

TT: Interesting.

CG: …OKAY?

TT: Yes.

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling golgothasTerror

 

CG: LOOK AT THIS.

GT: Wow!

GT: Sweet caramel crackers thats a catchy tune!

CG: I GUESS?

GT: Is this the latest fad jingle of the day?

CG: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?

GT: Well thanks for sharing it my good sir!

GT: Maybe ill go show this charming fellow to some friends!

CG: SURE, WHATEVER.

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling gutsyGumshoe

 

CG: LOOK AT THIS.

GG: Ohhhhh darn it!

GG: You win this round buster.

GG: But you better be on your toes! I’ll get you back good!

GG: It’s a promise.

CG: I AM LEGITIMATELY SHITTING MYSELF.

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling tipsyGnogstalgic

 

CG: LOOK AT THIS.

TG: awwwwww! how sweet!

TG: im totes touched! wat a nice lil friendship jingle!

TG: thaaaaaanks <3 <3 <3

CG: WHOA UH, WHAT ARE THOSE HEARTS FOR?

TG: oh lol sry

TG: those <3 were totes in a platonic friend-y manner

CG: HUMANS ARE SO WEIRD.

 

000

 

carcinoGeneticist began trolling gardenGnostic

 

CG: OKAY SO.

CG: I’M PRETTY SURE ERIDAN WAS FUCKING WITH ME ABOUT THIS SONG.

CG: OR AT LEAST HE DIDN’T TELL ME THE WHOLE STORY.

CG: BASICALLY FROM WHAT I GAINED IN THE EXPERIENCE IS THAT HUMANS ARE REALLY WEIRD.

CG: AND MAYBE THEY PERCIEVE THINGS DIFFERENTLY THAN US.

CG: LIKE I SEE A SHITTY SONG.

CG: BUT APPARENTLY HUMANS SEE MORE THAN A SHITTY SONG.

CG: SO AFTER STRENUOUS CONTEMPLATION I HAVE DECIDED TO GIVE UP ATTEMPTING TO UNDERSTAND EVERY DIFFERENT NUANCE OF TROLL AND HUMAN CULTURE,

CG: AND JUST APOLOGIZE FOR CALLING YOU AN IDIOT WITH A HEAD INFLATED WITH HELIUM GAS.

CG: I DIDN’T MEAN IT PERSONALLY.

CG: ARE YOU STILL MAD?

GG: did eridan actually give you a friendship song?

CG: YEAH BUT I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S A LOAD OF MUSCLEBEAST EXCREMENT.

CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW?

GG: he told me.

GG: i think he was trying to clear things up between us.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK? I ASKED FOR ADVICE NOT AN AUSPISTICE.

CG: BUT DID IT WORK?

GG: well sorta.

GG: mostly i just remembered how much of a jerk he was when he first came to the sharpshooting club.

GG: but i guess we kinda got used to each other and i realized he wasn’t a huge jerk

GG: just kinda like

GG: a not so huge jerk :B

CG: OKAY?

GG: also he mentioned that apparently you caught me after i was like sleep walking in the air or something.

GG: so i guess youre not really a huge jerk either! :)

CG: OH

CG: OKAY THEN.

CG: GREAT.

CG: YOU DON’T SEEM LIKE A TOTAL GASHEAD EITHER.

GG: thanks i guess?

GG: hee hee.

CG: SO

CG: HOW MUCH WAS ERIDAN MESSING WITH ME ON THIS SONG THING?

GG: well…

GG: youll probably figure it out eventually ;)

CG: OH COME ON!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eridan's playing Crusader Kings again.
> 
> Later John will send Karkat "a cool thing he found on the internet" and Karkat will just have to assume his friend suffers from some major memory affliction or chalk it up as "a human thing."
> 
> Also Jane's revenge will be terrifying and filled with pie.
> 
> I'm going to go mark this fic as complete now. Not sure I can get another chapter out. ^_^0 Thanks everyone who read and enjoyed this! You're all wonderful people!


End file.
